He said, Let's jump. So she'd jumped. She'd jumped but this time there wasn't the relief of ground. She'd jumped and now she was falling.

Rory sighed and looked out of the window. The avocado tree was in full bloom but she didn't enjoy its fruits anymore. She'd long tired of the taste. She was twenty-five and married. Twenty-five – it had felt important when she'd had her birthday, she'd reached a quarter of a century in life – but now it sounded young. Twenty-five and married. She may as well be fifty-five. They had been married just two years yet to Rory it felt much more. The memory of her life before marriage seemed a long, distant past, impossibly out of reach. Rory still didn't understand how something which had started so strongly had fallen to such a state of stagnation.

The first year had been wonderful. They'd had a large, luxurious wedding in Hartford in spring before honeymooning around Asia for two months. Rory didn't think she stopped laughing once and, whenever she looked at her husband, she felt filled with love and embarrassed that she had ever doubted her decision. So what if they were young? They loved each other, each day was an adventure and the sex was something else.

Things still were good when they got home. They moved to California where Logan was working and had an avocado tree in their backyard, as promised. It all felt like some kind of wonderful dream. One early morning Logan and Rory snuck out into the garden naked, made love and then fed each other fruit. It was like being in the Garden of Eden without the serpent.

Life outside the Garden was a little less perfect. Rory couldn't find a job. Logan reassured her, told her not to worry. "It can be tough at first, Ace," he'd said. "I can get you something at my company."

Rory didn't know why she'd said no. Reasonably she knew it would be a smart thing to do. She needed work and Logan was offering it to her on a silver platter. It was right there and she'd be working with Logan – what could be more romantic than that? Yet she'd shaken her head. Perhaps it was the experience of interning for his father but she'd never trusted jobs with family connections after that. She knew Logan wouldn't throw her out but there was a bad feeling about it and she imagined all the other members of staff whispering as she walked, you know she only got the job because she's his wife.

So she'd turned him down. He'd laughed, said she was crazy and then got a little hurt and annoyed when she wouldn't change her mind. She was being stupid. She needed a job, he had one and they were married, for God's sake. Why shouldn't they work together? But Rory stayed firm. Privately she decided that if she hadn't found something in the next month she'd reconsider but, as luck would have it, she did. A woman had left to have a baby at a popular paper and Rory slotted into the gap.

Everything was wonderful again. She was working, Logan was working and they both came home late but happy, arguing about who had had a tougher day. They'd cook dinner together, shower together and fall asleep tangled in the sheets before waking with a start before the alarm.

"I'm waking up way too early!" Logan had laughed. "You're a good influence on me, Ace."

Rory teasingly said she didn't know if she liked that but she couldn't stop laughing, even as Logan kissed her and whispered that she was really bad. It wasn't just that she had a job again and Logan was dedicated, it was that their marriage felt right again. The bad phase, if that was what she should name it, had passed and Rory knew everything would work out with her husband by her side.

By Christmas things felt altered. Nothing had changed but the weather was wrong. It was December, it was still warm and Logan had laughed when Rory sadly said there was no snow.

"It's California!" he'd exclaimed, as though she was stupid. "What did you expect, a blizzard?"

Rory had expected perhaps a little chill to the air but it was relentlessly sunny. She called Lorelai who told her all about the first snow, and how she had put out an extra cup of cocoa for Rory even though she wasn't there and Rory had laughed but had cried alone for an hour after the call. She looked at all her winter clothes, some of which she had stolen from her mother and remembered the bite in the air as the season changed. Here the weather never changed and she buried her face in a sweater, yearning for New England.

They stayed home that year. Logan said it was their first Christmas as a married couple at their new home and they should spend it there. Rory agreed but she felt achingly sad. She missed Christmas at home, her grandparents and the trip to Luke's. She missed her mother. Logan flew Lorelai out the day after but somehow it made it worse. Lorelai and Rory had gone for a walk around the town, so warm they barely needed sweaters and when they stopped by the ocean Lorelai had shielded the sun from her eyes.

"Wow," she said. "You wouldn't think it was winter, huh?"

Something strange had come over Rory. She looked at her mother and had a sudden urge to fling her arms around her and beg to be taken home on the plane with her. She didn't know why but it was all she could do to stop herself. Lorelai looked at her oddly.

"Something wrong, hon?"

Rory smiled and shook her head and Lorelai smiled too, though she sounded serious.

"You are happy, aren't you?" she asked, looking into her daughter's eyes. "You're happy out here?"

"Of course," Rory said quickly. "Getting married was definitely the right decision."

Lorelai nodded and she added,

"There's always a blue sky."

Lorelai laughed and Rory didn't tell her that she missed the rain.

The new year brought change. Rory didn't know when it started to feel different but after their first wedding anniversary she felt odd. She was happy but it wasn't the crazy, careless kind of happiness she had felt on their honeymoon and the first months of their marriage. She had a strange desire to cry but she didn't say a word to Logan. When their first anniversary came they stayed home. Rory cooked a homemade meal and they opened a bottle of wine. Rory gave Logan cufflinks and Logan gave her real pearl earrings.

"They say the first year is supposed to be paper," Logan joked. "But I thought you deserved something more special."

He fixed them in her ears and they'd made love there in the living room. Afterwards, when they'd got dressed, Rory wondered why she felt disappointed. The earrings were beautiful. They were beautiful and expensive and she didn't want them. She didn't know why. They didn't feel right and she'd wondered it whilst they'd had sex.

After spring things went downhill. The woman who'd had a baby came back. There was nothing Rory could do, it had been a short term contract but she and the managers of the company had expected the woman to take more time. She could certainly afford to but one day the manager called Rory in with an apologetic look on his face. The woman had hired a nanny and wanted her job back and, seeing as she had more experience, already knew the work and the contract had only been for a few months he would have to let her go.

Rory was disappointed but decided not to let it get her down. She applied for every job she could find but after three failed interviews and a general lack of response she found herself ceasing to care. What was the point? Most places barely replied to her emails. She had to really suck and anyway, if she was any good the first company would have kept her. She started getting up later and doing less in the day.

Logan was confused. He looked at her and asked what was going on. Rory was the responsible one of the two, the one who made him get up in the morning and made sure he had a decent night's sleep. She was the one who kept him on the straight and narrow.

Rory shrugged. Logan said the offer at his place still stood. Rory knew she should take it but she'd felt so tired lately – she was getting up late but there was a shroud of exhaustion around her shoulders and she couldn't sleep at night. Some days it took energy to just get dressed.

"I'm okay," she'd said. "I like having more time, actually."

It wasn't as though they couldn't afford it. Logan brightened and never asked after that. One day he remarked that he liked the fact that she waited for him while he was at work. Like a movie, isn't it? Rory smiled. She didn't say that some things were better in fiction.

The summer was the worst. It was too hot, too stifling and Rory felt as though she was being smothered. The California sun was baking, Logan was irritable and her days seemed to mesh into one. Summer faded to fall but she could barely tell.

Her twenty-fifth birthday was celebrated with a big party and the entire Life and Death Brigade came but Rory wished they hadn't. Colin and Finn's antics, so amusing when she was young, seemed stupid and immature and privately she wondered when any of them would grow up. Watching Colin drink an entire bottle of champagne on Finn's shoulders wasn't funny anymore, especially as she was the one who had to clean up the mess. Rory wondered, as she got out the mop, if she was starting to get old. When she was a kid she said she thought being twenty-five sounded boring and old and she and Lorelai had made a plan to play bingo and then drink shots. When she told Logan he laughed and changed the subject.

They went home for Christmas that year. Rory begged Logan after he said he wanted to spend it in California. He was reluctant but one day, when Rory dropped a plate and burst into hysterical sobs in the kitchen he was frightened.

"We'll go home," he said, putting his arms around her. "We'll go to Connecticut for Christmas."

They stayed in Stars Hollow. Logan was a little uncertain but he had no desire to stay with his parents and, as Rory pointed out, why bother staying at a hotel when they could go home for free? Lorelai made up the trundle bed and apologetically said that she should have fixed up a double bed in there by now but Rory was grateful. She was glad something hadn't changed.

Somehow going home made things worse, not better. They went to Emily and Richard's for Christmas dinner and everything was like a picture postcard of the perfect family. Christopher came with Gigi, they ate an enormous dinner and Richard made a toast.

"To more wonderful Christmases like this one," he said and Emily added wickedly,

"Perhaps we'll have to set an extra place at the table next year!"

She'd given a knowing look to Rory who felt a sudden rush of nausea and excused herself to the bathroom.

Everything was the same but everything had changed. There was snow, there were her family and friends but it all felt wrong. Lorelai went out one day and Logan suggested sex in her bedroom, teasing her about doing it where Rory Gilmore used to sleep. Somehow the idea revolted her and she pushed Logan away when he started to kiss her.

"God!" he'd exclaimed. "What's the problem? We did it last time!"

They had. It felt fun the first time, wrong in a good way but this time it felt almost sordid. She wanted to keep her childhood bedroom free from sex and Logan rolled his eyes.

"That's crazy," he said. "Didn't you lose your virginity in here?"

She didn't know why the question made her so angry but she found herself grabbing her jacket and storming out. She heard Logan shouting something behind her but she didn't try to listen. She kicked snow out of the way and started marching into Luke's. She didn't prepare herself for who would be inside.

A tall, slim man slowly lowered a paper at the furious jangle of the bell. Rory looked up, saw the familiar face and the raven hair and felt a terrible blush spread over her cheeks. Jess.

"Hey," he said slowly.

"Hey," Rory said quietly, looking at her hands which were red with cold. She hadn't bothered with gloves.

"Luke's not here right now," Jess told her. "If you want to come back later, or..."

"It's okay."

He looked at her carefully and put the paper down.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sounding concerned. "You look kind of – is everything okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory said hastily. "Just cold."

Jess nodded but he didn't say anything. His eyes rested on her fingers and Rory frowned before looking down and realising. She walked over and lifted her left hand up: the ring gleamed in the winter light.

"Wow," Jess said. "It's big."

"Yes."

It was so heavy it hurt her finger sometimes but she never took it off.

"So, still married, huh?" Jess has asked and Rory nodded. "And things are good."

"Yes," Rory said, trying to smile. "Things are good."

"Well...good."

"Yes."

"Are you Mrs Huntzburger now?"

"No," Rory said. Logan had wanted her to take his name but she couldn't. He'd been hurt but didn't try to talk her out of it. "I kept my name."

"I think that's good," Jess said sincerely. "I can't see you as anyone other than Rory Gilmore."

"No," Rory said, strangely thrilled that he agreed. "Neither can I."

She looked at him and didn't have to try to smile this time. She opened her mouth to ask how he was when suddenly the door banged open, making them jump. Logan came in and stopped at the sight of his wife's hand in Jess.

"Come on, Rory, let's go," he snarled. Jess raised his eyebrows.

"You want to ask her permission about that?" he asked. Logan glared at him.

"She's my wife," he snapped and then he took Rory's hand and led her away. Rory shot an apologetic look at Jess. He stared back but she couldn't read his expression and his eyes haunted her long into the night.

Logan seemed to think she'd betrayed him. He never came out and said it but he was cool with her for the rest of the trip and Lorelai bit her lip when he gave a curt response to her question about packing. When it was time for them to go, Rory hugged her tightly. Logan was loading things into the cab and she whispered to her mother,

"I did do the right thing, didn't I? Getting married?"

Her mother was quiet and then asked,

"Are you happy with him?"

Rory hesitated but nodded. She loved Logan. It wasn't his fault that she'd been feeling so low lately and couldn't find work. He loved her, she knew he did, and he was always trying to make her laugh. It wasn't his fault if it wasn't working. She managed to say that she was.

"Then you did the right thing," Lorelai said, kissing her cheek. "The main thing is that you're happy together."

Rory smiled, nodded and felt relived. She couldn't help thinking, however, that if her mother had asked if she was happy in general she would have given a very different answer.

The next few months passed quickly if not joyfully. They hosted a New Year's party where Finn broke a crystal statue, Rory lost her temper and they laughed at her losing her sense of fun. Rory saw in the new year holding back tears and a need to shout. Logan said Finn would pay for the statue and there was nothing to be upset about. Rory nodded, smiled, forgot it and said it was fine. She was fine. Their second wedding anniversary came and passed. They went to a restaurant, exchanged gifts, made love and went to bed early. It was fine.

Rory got a job. It wasn't anything that she wanted to do but it got her out of the house. She provided administration support at a finance office and would read the newspaper left on her manager's desk. She read it in the bathroom, legs propped up on the stall, silently criticising the journalist's style and take before remembering none of what she thought mattered. She wasn't a journalist anymore. Rory would fold the paper and go back to her desk in silence until the day where Rory lost her job. It was the recession, they said, as though it should comfort her. They had to make cuts. She shouldn't take it personally.

No, of course not, Rory thought bitterly. Now there didn't seem to be anything to apply for at all.

Everything had become dull. The weather was dull, the days were dull, even the sex was dull. Rory didn't look forward to it anymore. Lately it felt that there was no connection. It didn't feel like they were making love but it didn't feel like sex either. It didn't feel fun or exciting or meaningful. It just felt like something they were obliged to do. Logan got frustrated. All the moves he used to have weren't doing anything anymore and Rory couldn't come. He asked her what it was but she couldn't say and it felt like he was almost angry with her. In the end she faked her orgasms and it amused her that Logan, who prided himself so much on his skills in the bedroom, wasn't able to tell. The amusement had a bitter taste though and Rory wished things were how they used to be. The sex was routine too – they only had it at the weekend or the occasional evening, if Logan wasn't tired or working late, and Rory found she didn't really care. The thought of doing it in the garden again or on the living room floor seemed to belong to some other couple, kids who were crazy and young and not a husband and wife like them.

One day her period was late. Rory was glancing at the calendar when she suddenly realised she should have had it three days ago and for a moment she felt dizzy and clutched the counter. This frightened her even more – was this a sign of pregnancy? – and she immediately went out to buy a test, for once glad she spent the days alone at home.

Something odd went through Rory's mind as she peed on the stick. She and Logan hadn't discussed children but privately she had always thought that if it happened, somehow, it would happen. It would be a good thing, starting a family but now as she waited for the result she found she couldn't breathe. She couldn't have a child. She wouldn't have a child. If it was positive, she decided, she would go to the doctor and stop her pregnancy. She would never tell Logan and she would never tell anyone.

Three long minutes eventually passed. Rory dared look at the test and burst out crying. It was negative. She cried and cried and when her period made its appearance, three days later, she sobbed even harder. It alarmed her and she wondered why she had thought the things she had – surely a baby would make her happy? Didn't she want Logan's child? Still, she was extra vigilant about her contraception after that and never told Logan about the scare.

One day she meandered around the house in boredom. Rory had just finished a load of laundry. She was unable to help glancing at Logan's shirts after discovering, a few weeks ago, a smear of lipstick on the collar. When she'd confronted her husband about it he'd laughed, said it was hers and said she had to remember. Rory couldn't at all but the laughter of her husband, the hurt in his voice when he asked if she didn't trust him stopped her from asking further. She'd never seen lipstick after that though she was sure she detected the scent of perfume once or twice. Still, Rory wore perfume sometimes and she didn't want to make a fight, couldn't face an argument, even though the perfume smelled different to hers. Rory finished putting the laundry away and wondered what to do until Logan got home. She spent a lot of time walking or surfing the net, with the intention of applying for jobs, but that day she crouched at the bookshelf and pulled out a book. It was Jess's book. Logan didn't like seeing it and she had hidden it between two large tomes. She couldn't remember when she had last read it, or any book for that matter, and she took it to the chair by the window and started to read.

Rory never read now. She had the time but she couldn't concentrate. Her mind felt fuzzy and dull and she didn't enjoy it anymore but this time she didn't have to try. She read like when she was young, without restraint, and, when she put it down, she was surprised to see it was two hours later.

Rory sat back in the chair and thought about Jess. She wondered how he was and she pictured him, not in the way he looked when they were in school but when she had gone to see him a few years ago, wearing the smart blazer but the casual shirt. She imagined him all over and a low warmth started to burn between her legs. She'd secretly wondered what sex with Jess would be like. When she was eighteen she decided her first time would be with him, so certain she had bought condoms from a supermarket in Hartford, terrified someone would see. Then it had all gone horribly wrong and then even more wrong when she had wound up losing her virginity to Dean. Rory still regretted that. She didn't wish she had had sex at the party instead but she was slightly sorry she and Jess had never had sex. They'd come close a few times. In the backseat of his car they'd got hot and heavy as only teenagers can and one day she'd felt his penis beneath his jeans. Jess had groaned but they had forced themselves apart. It can't be like this Rory had said. My first time can't be in the back of a car!

Rory knew sensibly it was smart not to but she couldn't help wondering, feeling a pang of regret. She wondered where that girl had gone, her younger self who loved to read and learn and made out with her boyfriend in the back of his car. She seemed a long way away, like someone in a book she could no longer read.

Rory thought of Jess again. She remembered his mouth on hers during the illicit trip to Philadelphia, the heat of his breath and the warmth of his hands. His body had been close, knees brushing and she wondered what it would have been to have kissed him properly. Pressed his body against hers and to have shed her clothing.

The heat grew stronger and stronger. It was burning inside, in the best way and Rory found herself putting the book down and going into her bedroom. She got into the bed, thrust a hand between her legs and moved her fingers in and out until she came, letting out a sound which was half gasp and half moan. For a moment she lay still, unable to move, her hand slick. She couldn't remember the last time she came so strongly, had a real orgasm and a small smile appeared on her face. Then she sat up. She felt a rush of guilt, as though she had cheated and ran to the bathroom where she washed her hands and between her legs over and over until all evidence was completely gone. She could still see the picture of him in her mind, feel the warm wetness between her legs and changed the sheets as well, just in case. She went and turned the television on, burning with guilt, but didn't watch the show on the screen. She remembered the day Jess had come to Yale, pleading with her to run away. Rory sensed an odd stab of sadness at the memory.

The door banged open and Logan marched in, making Rory jump. There was a grim look on his face.

"What is it?" Rory asked, half worried and half guilty and Logan shook his head.

"We're moving back to Connecticut."