"Look Forward"
Summary: What if Kate had pressed Jack a little farther when they were breaking firewood? Spoilers up through "The Man From Tallahassee." In my world, none of this extra Skate nonsense exists.
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. I only own the sick and twisted thoughts in my head. The sick and twisted use of Jate is the work of the writers only.
Rating: PG-13 for language (to be safe) but it will get smutty in Part III, so children beware.
Dedication: To Erica and Alex for needing some good Jex and all my other Jaters at the board.
CHAPTER 1
"I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I never…" Kate whispered. "I wanted to come back to help you. But you didn't need me to. And now because of me you can't go."
Sitting in the hallway, so close and yet so far apart, Kate realized that she never wanted to see that look on Jack's face ever again.
That look of utter disappointment, hurt, anger and God knows what else. He wasn't even really looking at her, but she could still sense it. His head was cradled in his hands, taking her apology in and digesting it.
It looked like it wasn't sitting well.
He was rubbing his head with his hand, looking off into the distance, making sure not to make eye contact. She started crying, unable to hold back the tears of regret at all the things that had happened and all the things she had done to get them to this place.
"I'm so sorry…" she whispered, trying to display how sincere she was about ruining his chances of getting off the island and inadvertently for sleeping with Sawyer. "I'm so sorry…" she said again, looking at him.
The acrid smell of the gas still lingered in the air, making it hard to breathe. She sobbed and put her hand to her mouth, desperately searching his face to get some kind of reaction. She felt stupid for thinking he was going to forgive her, pull her into his arms and tell her it was going to be OK, but she couldn't help it. This was Jack.
Her Jack would forgive her. He would be there for her and comfort her. He would hold her hands and tell her it would all work out. Then they would leave the Others' camp together and head back to their beach where they could go back to the beginning. Back to when she was his confidante and they went on hikes together. Back to the good old days of and guava seeds and sitting by the fire.
"They just left?" he asked, looking out the doorway. She nodded and then he asked, "Even… even Juliet?"
Kate looked at him, and even though she tried to prevent it, she felt her face drop. She felt so ridiculous for thinking that Jack wasn't going to be upset with her. That he could just erase the memory of her and Sawyer naked on the cage floor and act like everything was OK. She had ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and she expected him to be waiting for her with open arms.
"No they left her, too," she choked out. She was trying to hide the look on her face and try to act like she wasn't hurt, but she couldn't. She knew she didn't have any right to be upset about this situation, not after what she did, but it was hard not to feel sorry for herself.
"Why?" He whispered, looking down the hallway to the door. She could see his mind working out the whole situation. He couldn't figure out what the hell was going on and she could tell it was killing him.
"You know her better than I do," Kate replied, attempting to smile. She was trying to put on a strong face; trying to show Jack that she understood and accepted that things weren't the same between them. That what she did had irrevocably altered their relationship forever and they couldn't go back to how things were.
Jack rubbed his hand against his head and took a deep breath. She could tell he was confused, disoriented, and probably overwhelmed by the idea that he couldn't get off the island anymore and that it was all because of her. She wanted to cry at the situation they were in right now – it all seemed so surreal. He took a deep breath and rested his head against the white wainscoting.
"What now?" she inquired
Jack paused, letting the enormity of the question sink in. He sighed again and almost laughed.
"Now… now we go back."
She gave a small nod and looked around. 'Go back to what?' she wanted to ask. Instead she just looked around because looking at Jack right now was becoming way too hard.
He started to pull himself up from the wall and she instinctually got up to help him. When he was standing she put her arm around him and helped him in the only way she knew how right now.
As they walked down the hall, her weight holding his, she surveyed the damage to the house. Lamps, broken picture frames, a chair turned over. She was glad they were getting the hell out of this place but she was so unsure of the future she didn't know what to think.
She concentrated on the breeze from outside that was coming in through the open doorway, pushing the hair away from her face. She took a deep breath and as they got closer to the entrance, she could see Juliet standing a few feet away, Jack's backpack in hand.
The moment they stepped onto the stoop Jack broke away from Kate and with a renewed energy walked over to Juliet, concern etched into his face. The sudden chill at Kate's side from where his body was proved a constant reminder of what she had done, of how she had ruined this great thing they'd had.
Kate walked up behind him and waited as Sayid cautiously stepped out from behind the house. Juliet handed Jack his bag and he put it on, maintaining eye contact with Juliet at all times.
"You OK?" he asked, stepping closer.
"Yeah," Juliet nodded, "You?"
"Yeah," he nodded back. He looked around at the empty village and they both chuckled in disbelief.
Kate walked up behind them and waited, watching as Juliet gave Jack his backpack. She remembered the times she had put Jack's backpack on, way back in the beginning when they were first learning things about one another.
Sayid approached and acknowledged Jack, who replied back in an exchange that was laced with respect and a little cautiousness.
"I checked all the houses. Everyone's gone. No weapons, no trail. It's like fifty people disappeared into thin air," Sayid mentioned, looking around.
"We should take what we can find and head out while we've still got light." Jack answered.
He and Juliet started walking away when Sayid said, "She's not coming with us."
Jack turned around and with more certainty than Kate had seen from him in a long time he said "Yes, she is."
"Why?" Sayid asked as Kate looked between Jack, Sayid and Juliet, marking the exchange. She could tell that things definitely weren't going to be the same when they got back to the island. Jack was trusting Juliet and Sayid was not happy about it.
Jack looked between Kate and Sayid and then back and Kate and said, "Because they left her behind, too."
With that, he turned around and began walking away, Juliet at his side. Sayid looked conspicuously at Kate and they followed behind, maintaining a short distance.
----------------------------------------------------
After trekking through the vast landscapes of the island for what seemed like hours, the group of four crossed through a stream and decided to stop.
Sayid started removing his pack and said, "It's getting late. This is a good place to make camp." Everyone else removed their packs and placed them on the ground.
"I'll go get some firewood." Jack said.
"I'll go with you." Kate replied, almost a little too quickly. She could feel him staring at Juliet from behind her and he didn't take his eyes away until he turned and started walking out. Kate watched the exchange with an annoyed expression on her face and followed.
She had decided right after they left that she needed him to talk to her. She knew he would offer the silent treatment for as long as he needed but it was going to kill her. After Juliet said she broke his heart all Kate wanted to do was try and explain. She figured this time would be the perfect time, and she wasn't going to stop until she made him understand.
After they got to a small clearing Kate and Jack began collecting wood. The only sound between the two of them was the stomping and breaking of wood pieces. The energy between them was positively electric, and not necessarily in a good way.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she said, looking his way.
"Talk about what?" he asked, stomping on a branch. She noticed that he was completely fascinated by the task at hand and was having a really hard time looking at her.
"About the week. Being over there with them."
"Well, after you left I made a deal with them that if I took care of Ben they'd let me off the island. I just kept my head down, did what I was supposed to. I didn't ask any questions."
"That's it?" Kate asked, a confused smile marking her face.
Jack nodded his head, bending down to pick up more wood, "That's it" he replied coolly. He looked at her with blank, almost expressionless eyes. She barely recognized him anymore. Sure, he looked the same. Same shirt and jeans, same five o'clock shadow – but there was something missing. That spark that had always mesmerized her wasn't there anymore. She knew she felt something in the game room but there was nothing now.
He started to walk away when she smacked the wood out of his hands, the pieces crashing to the ground, the sound reverberating in the silence between them, echoing in the jungle air.
The look on his face went from utter astonishment, to anger and then to annoyance. He looked at her and then at the wood on the ground and he shook his head. He chuckled to himself and began to pick up the wood, maintaining his silence.
Kate watched all of this with a shocked and angry expression on her face. She couldn't believe this was happening, that he was acting like this. She watched him pick up the last remaining pieces of wood, the last remaining vestiges of her self control slipping away at a rapid pace.
He started to walk away and this time she wouldn't let him.
"Jack!"
He stopped mid-step but didn't turn around. His head fell to his chest as he waited for her next move. She could hear his breathing in and out, in and out and she inhaled to try and get her bearings. She thought she had a plan but realized right away that she hadn't thought this out.
All of the emotions of the past two weeks were completely consuming her mind, body and soul. Her head was pounding and she was starting to lose her vision with the power of it all. She thought it was going to be really easy but she was sorely mistaken.
"Please," she nearly choked out. She could feel tears beginning to sting her eyes. She'd become a master at controlling her emotions after all her years of running but the indifference he was radiating was breaking her resolve.
"Jack, please. I can't take this anymore."
Jack sighed and turned around, his expression cool and collected, his tone almost bored. "Can't take what anymore, Kate?"
"Your silence, Jack…" she started, "Can't we just talk about this?" She knew she sounded desperate but at this point she didn't care. Now that Juliet was going back to camp with them she didn't know if she would ever get this opportunity again.
She wasn't really sure if she was ready for this conversation but she wouldn't be able to live with him avoiding her and being silent. Anger and yelling she figured she could deal with but it was the silence that drove her crazy.
"Kate, I don't know what you're talking about," he replied. His tone was softer and she could tell that his hard shell was cracking.
"Yes, you do. Please, just talk to me," she pleaded quietly. She took a step forward but he took a step back. She stopped, her face darkening with sadness and hurt.
"How can I talk to you Kate," he began, "When everything I say goes in one ear and out the other?"
"Jack, I…"
"How can I talk to you, Kate, when you don't listen to anything I say? How do you expect me to tell you what I'm thinking or feeling when you simply don't care?"
His face was turning red and his breath was coming in gasps. She could see him gripping the firewood so tight that his knuckles were turning white.
She looked at him, completely shocked. "How can you say I don't care? I came back to help you! I was worried about you! I risked my life to save you!"
"I told you to stay away! I told you to take Sawyer and run. I told you to not come back. You didn't listen and now our chances of getting off this island are destroyed. It's your fault, Kate. And don't stand there and pretend you did all this for me. You did it to ease your own conscious, so why don't you drop the saint act."
She was getting increasingly angry as he continued talking. She didn't know if it was because he was telling the truth or because he supposedly knew her better than she knew him.
"Saint act? Are you kidding? I don't know what you're talking about. I thought you were in danger so I came back. I thought I was doing the right thing!" she put her hands in her pockets and stared him right in the eyes.
Jack just shook his head and spit out, "Fine, Kate. Just forget it, OK? If you want to keep up this charade then that's fine. I'm so sick of this crap you have no idea." His voice was scathing and angry and she didn't know if she'd ever heard his voice sound like that before.
He turned around again and began walking away, firewood clutched tightly under his arm. As mad as she was she didn't want him to leave.
"Wait!" she pleaded, "Jack, please, I'm…"
"No! Don't you dare say it, Kate. I don't want to hear you say you're sorry when you don't mean it," he countered, his voice low and threatening.
Kate reeled back as if she had been slapped. Her look of hurt and confusion forced Jack to look at his feet.
"How can you say that? How can you think I don't mean it?" she asked calmly.
"Because, Kate. You keep screwing up and you keep saying you're sorry. You do one thing and you say another. You say one thing and you do something completely different. I never know where I stand with you because you keep changing your mind! Excuse me if I don't believe you when you say you're sorry but you say it so damned often it's hard to know when you're being genuine."
Kate looked at him, her expression serious. She took a deep breath and suddenly realized that her nails were digging into her palms, almost breaking the skin.
"Well, I meant what I said in the hallway. I'm hurt that you'd think I didn't mean it."
Jack's expression did something she hadn't expected: it turned angry. He dropped the firewood on the ground and advanced on her in two quick strides. He grabbed her shoulders in a death grip and shook her until she looked at him.
"You don't get to talk to me about being hurt, Kate. Not after what you did."
She didn't want to lie to him again but her flight response was kicking in. After all the years of lying it was so hard to break out of it. She wanted nothing more than to be honest but she didn't know how to do that without hurting him. She laughed at herself in her mind because the simple fact was that no matter what she was going to hurt him.
"What do you want me to say, Jack? Do you want me to say I was wrong to go back to you? Fine! I was wrong. I was wrong, it's all my fault and you can hate me if you want to for that." She saw immediately that she had just made the situation a lot worse with her side-stepping of the true problem.
"I'm not talking about that and you know it. I want you to tell me the truth, dammit! I want you to stop lying to me and tell me the truth. For once in your god forsaken life Kate be honest! You at least owe me that after everything I've done for you!"
She could feel the tears starting to fall down her face. One by one they traced salty trails on her skin, pooling on her shirt. She looked into his dark eyes and finally saw it. She saw what Juliet was talking about. She thought she understood it, the depth of his emotions for her but she really didn't. She hiccupped and took a breath before saying, "Fine, Jack… if you want me to say it I'll say it."
He looked at her expectantly, not giving her an inch.
She took a deep breath and finally said, "I slept with Sawyer."
He released his death grip on her arms and backed away. She crumbled to the ground and put her hand over her face, deep and heavy sobs wracking her body. She looked at him through her fingers and she could almost see his heart breaking all over again.
He looked out into the forest and then down at her, tears threatening to fall. He cleared his throat and put his hands on his hips before desperately asking, "Why?"
"What?" she asked, alarmed at the idea that he was pushing the issue for details.
He walked over to her again but this time he was circling her like she was a test subject, his eyes glued to her, piercing and unforgiving.
"I want to know why," he repeated, "I want to know why you would sleep with Sawyer in broad daylight. Why you would lie with him, naked, in a bear cage. Why you weren't concerned with helping me but only concerned with yourself. I want to know why after doing it you're apologizing for it. You've made it very clear what your choice is, Kate, so take responsibility for it. For once in you fucking life, take responsibility for your actions!"
Kate, who had remained stock still while he circled her, angrily stood up to face him.
"You don't know anything about me or my life!" she yelled.
"That's the whole problem! Just answer the question, Kate!" he demanded.
"I didn't know what to do!" she burst out, her voice cracking with animosity, "I hadn't seen you in a week, they took my clothes, they were making us break rocks, they were about to kill Sawyer and I lost it! I had no plan, no resources and I had no control so I tried to gain it back. You had just told me you wouldn't help me so I was upset and Sawyer was there and I wasn't thinking. I don't know why I did it!"
Jack looked like he was either about to throw up or strangle someone. He was pacing back and forth, running his hand through his hair.
"You don't know why? Well if that isn't one for the ages. No, you know what, Kate? I'm tired of your excuses. Really, I am so tired of the lies, the sorry's and the excuses. You slept with Sawyer and you can't take it back. You could at least do me the courtesy of owning up to the real reason why you did it."
"I already told you I don't know why…" she replied, exhausted. He stepped in front of her and bent his head low, his voice falling to a whisper.
"I saw you and Sawyer on the monitors, Kate. That's why I offered to do the surgery. After I saw you lying naked with him, I couldn't stay here. I needed to do everything I could to get away from you, Sawyer, and this island. I was going back to get help but I was hoping getting away would help erase the picture I have of you and him from my mind. I've tried thinking about everything else. Baseball, surgical procedures and even Tom, but I can't get the picture of you and him out of my brain. It makes me sick and it's driving me crazy."
She was crying fully now. Great, terrible, body-wracking sobs were overtaking her, preventing her from breathing. Juliet told her that he had seen her and Sawyer and that it had broken his heart but hearing the words from him made it so much more real.
"Jack, please stop," she pleaded.
"You and him naked, sweaty and dirty. Post-coital." His tone was menacing as he stepped so close she could feel his heat through his shirt.
He dipped his head and whispered in her ear, "Was it good, Kate? It must have been so good that you couldn't wait to go somewhere safe. You did him in a cage out in the open where anyone could see, so I can only imagine how it was. I never would have considered you an exhibitionist, Kate. I never would have thought that you'd get off on the threat of someone seeing you. Does the idea that I saw you make you hot?"
"Jack, stop…" she pleaded again. She was trying to push him away but he was too strong for her. She was weak, upset and had given up and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.
"I never would have thought dirty cages were your thing, either, Kate…" he continued.
"Stop it, please!" she urged desperately.
He was breathing in her ear, his warm breath tantalizing and erotic. She had never seen Jack like this before, so intense and angry. She knew he was mad but she couldn't help but react to him being so close. They hadn't had this much contact and interaction since they got caught in Rousseau's net.
"Then again… I guess I don't know you like I thought I did," he finished, his tone now sad and upset.
"Jack, I…"
"Don't." he answered. He pulled away from her ear, dropped his hands and stepped away. He looked at her with a look of defeat and utter misery. Her face was streaked with tears and her eyes were red and puffy. She wanted to explain but she couldn't go on. She couldn't bear to have him looking at her like that anymore.
"Jack…"
"I'm serious Kate. Don't. I'm done with this." And with that he walked away, leaving her alone in the wide open space, branches strewn all about the jungle floor.
