I am once again wishing for death. The pressure of the icy water should have collapsed my lungs already. They are screaming again "James, sit up. James be quiet. James pull the stick out of your ass. James do as you're told. James use your manners. James stop being such and arrogant asshole. No James you're doing it wrong, again." How? How am I supposed to do that I can't move; I can't breathe. The voices tie their shackles around my ankles and wrists; they whisper in my ear.

::stupid/ugly:stupid/stupid:stupid/whore:stupid/disappointment:

Stupid/worthless:stupid/fat:stupid/hopeless:stupid/insignifigant::

I am dragged even deeper into the ocean; because I cannot be perfect and they hate me for it.

BEEP. BEEP. .BE- "FUCKING WHY!?" The alarm clock flies across my room and shatters against the wall. I sigh "You've broken yet another one, Sirius" Annnnnd there he is, popping up from the floor and glaring at me. He is magnificent. Everyone thinks so. He lucked out in the looks department; stormy-grey eyes, night sky hair (it looks blue in the right light) chiseled chin and cheek-bones, long lashes. Every time you see him you need a moment to take him in. Then he opens his mouth and ruins everything. "Well if you would quite buying those stupid muggle contraptions we wouldn't have those problems would we?"

"Yes, but then we would never get up on time and that could be disastrous." I pull the blankets back and slide out of bed; choosing to overlook Sirius pretending not to stare. I can't really blame him everyone stares when I walk into rooms now. I stare too, if there's a mirror around.

"Do you reckon our letters came today?" I love asking questions. They change the topic, they distract people, they are great ways to cover up things, they are wonderful to hide behind, and they are the glue holding my life together. Better than lies, questions make it so you can shut people out without having to close your mouth.

"Yeah, probably. I mean we need to get ours a bit earlier considering we have to fly over to Britain. Man, this will be the last flight won't it?" Sirius never questions my questions and that's what I love most about him, he's to self-involved not to take the bait.

"It will be. For you definitely. I mean, I still have options and all that nonsense. Great thing about being British/American"

"You're mom doesn't want you staying here anymore-you think this looks good?" There's the downside. He's too self involved to remember that I am not supposed to go near or look into mirrors for another 3 months. I move closer to break the rule. He's got on a grey t-shirt that accentuates the color of his eyes and loose fitting sapphire jeans. And purple vans. I nodded my approval then turned my attention towards my own attire. Red Chuck Taylor's, black jeans, a Rolling Stones top. I picked my flannel off the floor and put it on to cover my arms. With all the bad spots of my skin covered I looked normal. I am not attractive like Sirius. I have a thin face and thin lips. My hair is always mussed up, even when it's brushed. And it's black. I don't mean like Sirius' where it almost has a different color. No I mean black. Stark black, like a raven. Overall I look completely average. The only thing even remotely attractive about me is me eyes. They're a special kind of hazel that has bits of yellow and green in it and they are big like a dear in headlights.

"Well, we should get going we board in two hours." For someone who refuses to own a watch, he is pretty good at knowing when things are going to happen.

Okay, I know that like none of that makes sense right now. But like. It will. Also, a lot of you are probably kinda pissed of that I made James half American. It's something that I have always been a little curious about plus it lets me explore more options with setting and characters and honestly it's different. So I thought I would try it out. Please don't give up on me yet, I swear it's got a really great back-story and plot line and characters. Please. I'm begging you.