AN: Hey everyone, this is a parody fanfic on how an outsider would view most of the events from Twilight regarding Bella, Edward and everyone else. This chapter focuses on introducing the MC whose head we'll be looking through to see all the crazy shenanigans that will soon take shape. I had a good laugh writing this so I hope you'll all enjoy reading it. Fair warning though, the humor is silly and plain ridiculous at times, so it may not be your cuppa tea. Happy reading!
Chapter One: Transition
This was it. With my last bag securely stowed in the backseat of my car, I realized this was going to be the last time I would see this old house. Well, not really, I was just being dramatic. It would actually be a year before I'd come back to this place again. I'd never looked at this house with too much attachment, but now was a good time to try. It's peeling white paint and dull dual-paneled windows were making it hard though. The roof was high and weatherworn and what little yard there was, was barren and neglected. Even the concreate walk up to the front door was cracked and brimming with healthy weeds; that was about the only thriving thing around here. The whole thing was just too ugly to find beautiful. And don't even get me started on all the memories because I'd be here all day trying to think of one.
And just like that the moment was over. Can't say I didn't try. I slammed my black Honda Civics' backdoor shut and proceeded to the driver's seat. I quickly texted my mom that I was starting my trip to the airport, then I stuck my key in the ignition and my car rumbled to life. "Time to go." I said, gripping the steering wheel, and immediately it pulled away from the gravelly driveway and took to the road.
I was moving to Forks, Washington for a whole year to live with my dad. He had his own place that I usually only visited during summers. I lived in Northern California so weekend visits weren't an option for me like other kids whose parents were divorced. I'd been doing fine on my own though, but recently Mom had been acting weird- well, weirder than her usual.
At that moment my phone buzzed next to me. I picked it up from the passenger seat and looked at the caller ID. I heaved a sigh. It was my mom, funny coincidence. I didn't really want to talk to her, but I figured she just wanted to say her goodbyes since she wasn't home when I left. "Hey, mom. What is it?" I answered casually. "Hey Will, umm have you reached the airport yet?" she asked. She knew perfectly well from my text that I was nowhere near the airport yet. It's a thirty minute drive from my house to the airport and I had just left ten minutes ago. "No, mom, I'm not there yet." I replied neutrally. "Oh well, I just wanted to wish you well travels and be safe. Don't do anything rash, and don't forget to say no to drugs and mysterious women. They'll get you, you hear? And if you find yourself in a dark tunnel, stay away from the light!" She would always repeat this same song every time I went anywhere on my own. It got repetitive after the first few times, but I attributed it to being a 'mother thing' and probably insanity as well. "Alright Will, I have to go. I just came home from work and the new conspiracy of how the new iPads are slowly taking over the world has barely started. I can't miss it! Oh it's true!" I couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Take care honey. Oh, and tell your father that I said hi, and that I'm totally and completely over him getting a new girlfriend." She added as an aside. I think my eyes rolled to the back of my head that time. "Okay mom, I'll pass the message along. Thanks." I said half-heartedly. My mom had spent weeks depressed and shut in her room after work when she found out dad had a new girlfriend. It was sad, but she seemed to be getting better with that bit of news… I think. "Oh I knew the cameras were always on when they're in use, recording our every move, even thoughts, but they're also on when the device is off too! Alright, bye Will. Things just got real!" She exclaimed and ended the call.
I lowered my window right after she clicked. Talking to my mom always left me feeling awkward and mentally constipated. She was so bizarre and unpredictable that you just couldn't feel otherwise. And right on cue, my car tuned itself to my favorite radio station and a decent song was playing. I smiled as the mental block began receding.
Although, she wasn't all bad I guess, she helped me get a driver's license well before the legal age. I was sixteen, but I was already armed with driving capabilities and the certificate to prove it. It was all thanks to her, she weirded-out the poor guy at the DMV so badly that he pulled some strings and in a few weeks' time, my driver's license arrived in the mail.
I shook my head and tried to focus on where I was going. I'd most likely be arriving at Forks by sundown. From what I remembered living there as a small child and a few summer visits thereafter, Forks was a small, sunless, mushy town where everyone knew each other from having grown up together as children, and rain was a common occurring event, even in the off months. Yeah, it didn't sound like a great place to go, and while I did want to see my Dad, the reason why I was leaving was to escape my Mom.
She was driving me insane with her depression and constant crying all summer long. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible, going out with a few friends for long stretches of time and even staying over at their place to sleep over, but every time I came back, she was in the same state I left her in. She tried to hide it too, but you'd have to be deaf not to hear the wails coming from her room at night. I even attempted to talk to her about it; maybe she needed a listening ear or a crying shoulder, but she never spoke about it. I understood, it would be weird to talk about her emotions at my father's success in the dating world to her only son, even for her.
She didn't have any real friends either, even though she tried to pretend she did with fake phone calls to herself and phony outings. I knew because her phone was dead most times she tried it and her trips with friends involved her venturing to the local park where she sat on a bench and feed the homeless people quarters and dimes. The homeless people even called the cops on her a few times. And everyone she's tried to befriend at work always runs the other way at the sight of her. I couldn't blame them, if anything, I'd run with them, but I couldn't do that as she's my Mom. Oh cruel world.
Finally, I arrived at the airport. It was packed and alive with the bustle and din of cars, people and luggage. I had to admit, I was nervous. Even though I'd done this before, it was still somewhat frightening handling all the paperwork and boarding a plane by my lonesome.
I parked my car near the busy airport entrance and began unloading my luggage; two duffle bags and my school backpack. After running an eye over my passport, debit card and other essentials, I told my car to drive itself to Forks. It honked in response and made its way past the traffic and out onto the road. Good car, I thought.
Two hours later my plane descended on the Seattle landing strip and came to a halt rather roughly. The view from above was beautiful; everything was so mesmerizingly tiny and the land looked like a patchwork quilt, but I liked the view from down below a little better with the safety of having two feet firmly placed on the ground.
My Dad had texted me during the plane ride to tell me he wouldn't be able to pick me up from the airport; work had called him at the hospital and he had to go cover a shift last minute. I wasn't too bummed since my car was coming to do just that, but he didn't know that, so he loaded my debit card to get a taxi instead.
After some more paperwork and final security checks, I was outside inhaling the cold, damp Seattle air. It was a relief to stretch my legs after being in a plane for two hours. I walked slowly through mobs of people with my duffle bags swinging beside me looking for my car. I put a hand to my eyes, blocking the sun's reach to see if I could get a better view. I wondered if it ran into any trouble on the way. Then I saw it. It appeared around a corner coming up behind a pink Volkswagen. It got here so fast and with no scratches or visible damage! I hoped no one noticed that there was no one at the wheel before it got here. Aaaaand safe!
While it would be more cost-effective to just ride in my car all the way here and forgo the plane completely, I knew I'd probably be dead from my internal organs churning themselves into mush at the insane speeds it would travel on the road.
The backdoor opened automatically as it stationed itself next to me, flashing its lights excitedly; I could tell it was proud of itself. I threw everything inside wondering how on earth it made it here so unrealistically fast, and made my way around to the driver's seat. I opened the door and stepped inside, ready for the long drive to Forks to commence.
I would've liked to sightsee a bit of Seattle while I was there, but the jetlag had left me feeling sore and tired, so I decided against it. Besides, the sun was almost gone and soon it would be twilight. I reclined the driver's seat all the way back and fell asleep, arms crossed and hoodie drawn, for most of the three hour drive. I had no reservations my car wouldn't be able to handle the drive on its own with its GPS. Heck, it got here from California unscathed, this would be a cakewalk.
I woke up to the soft humming of the engine and judging from the slight vibrations thrumming the seat, I knew I was still advancing on the road. I pulled back my hoodie and realized it was completely dark outside. I sat upright, taking me a moment to recover from my sleeping stupor to notice I was already within Forks' city limits. I recognized the street I was on. It would only be a few minutes to my Dad's house from here.
I watched the familiar window-lit houses and streets pass by me in silence, letting this whole trip sink in. I was here and I had made it all on my own, well, mostly, my car helped a bit. I patted the dashboard in appreciation. My car responded by turning on the radio. "Not right now, buddy." I said through a smile, turning it off. I was still tired and preferred the quiet.
My car rounded the corner to my street and slowed its pace as the old house came into view. I couldn't make out the details through the veil of darkness, but its custard walls and white four-panel windows were visible from here. It appeared to look exactly as I remembered it from two years ago, when I last visited.
My car parked itself in the empty driveway and opened its doors. The cold air pressed against me as soon as I stepped out of the threshold. Hurriedly, I took my bags from the backseat and told my car to go steal some gas from a nearby gas station - it was running quite low and I didn't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a full tank. It honked in acknowledgement and reversed out of the driveway.
I gripped my bags tightly, already shivering from the cold, and walked the stone path up to the porch. With help from the streetlamp, I saw there was a snow shovel with a plastic bucket and some boots outside. I'd forgotten how quickly Winter was Coming.
I dropped my bags at my feet and pulled out my battered silver key from my backpack. He'd better not have changed the locks. I sighed in relief when the key went in effortlessly and the door swung open. I stepped inside and went for the light switch. I flicked it on and was momentarily blinded by the flash.
Sometime later, after I'd hounded some Fruity Pebbles and granola in the kitchen and scoped out the house for any new changes- there weren't many despite my Dad having a girlfriend now, I found myself upstairs standing in front of the door to my old room. I felt a scowl on my face as I turned the handle. Would he have kept it the same as he did the rest of the house?
The door slowly creaked open and I let out a relieved sigh. It was still in the same shape I left it in two years prior. The bed was set in the center with a four-panel window on either side. And posters of my favorite movies and music bands were plastered across the blue walls. I looked around, half of them I didn't like anymore. My old guitar was left abandoned in the farthest corner of the room, just minding its own business and gathering dust. I wondered if it was still in good shape to play, heck or if I still remembered how to play.
I walked over to the bed and began the process of unpacking some essentials. School was tomorrow and I needed to prepare. I'd be attending Forks High School even though the semester was already a week underway here. And despite not knowing anyone, I was actually looking forward to a new school; it was a fresh start. The high school I went to back home was fine for the most part, I just wasn't a fan of the mobs of idiot jocks and superficial girls that congregated at every turn; the stereotypes were strong there. I hoped things were different here.
Once I'd arranged some clothes into my closet I noticed some papers on my nightstand; they were colorful and filled with text. They were my schedule and syllabus' for all my classes. Dad was in charge of signing me up for classes since my arrival here was last minute and I wouldn't be able to do so myself. I looked over the papers, curious at what he'd registered me for, and found a yellow one with all my periods. English was first, followed by U.S. History, then P.E., Creative Writing, Biology ll at fifth and last was Trigonometry.
A standard schedule, though I was surprised he signed me up for Creative Writing. I used to write simple stories when I was bored and didn't have anyone to play with as a kid. It was nice that he remembered that, but that was ages ago, I didn't practice with the pen anymore, not since they'd gotten a divorce… now that I thought about it, a lot of things lost their appeal once my parents drifted apart. My eyes fell on my old guitar laying lonely and quiet at the corner… but I really didn't want to travel down that road right now.
That night I dreamt of nothing.
I awoke the next morning trembling in my blankets. It was still dark out, so I clumsily snatched my phone next to me to check the time. 5:37 a.m. My brain slowly processed the two hours difference until school started. Okay, so I could still sleep in some more, but why was it so cold? My windows weren't even open. I could see long puffs of smoke coming out of my nose; something I wasn't used to experiencing in September coming from California. The heater just must be off.
I sat up and threw my legs over the bed. The frigid air didn't waste any time in encircling me and pushed against my bare skin, making me feel its heavy hands everywhere my skin was exposed.
I walked out of my room, past the hall and down the stairs to the thermostat; the heater was off. I pressed a slightly shaky finger to turn it on.
*creak*
There was a soft creak coming from the top of the stairs. My head snapped to its direction. A woman in a night gown was tentatively coming down the stairs. I couldn't exactly see her face in the darkness, but I could make out her messy hair from the faint light coming from the window behind her. She looked at me and froze on the spot. This had to be my Dad's girlfriend; I'd never seen her before. He'd never sent me a picture, not that I asked for one in his defense.
"Hi" I said, embarrassed that our first meeting had to be with me standing in my boxers. "Oh, I thought you were Dave." She burst suddenly, the embarrassment clear in her voice too. "You're William, right?" "Yeah" I responded. She took a step backward and missed the stair, so her ass went tumbling down the flight. She banged her head on the railing several times before landing at the bottom of the stairs in a sad heap of tangled limps. I groaned in disappointment. I didn't have time to deal with this, school was starting soon and I needed my beauty sleep. Screw this! I stepped over her unconscious body and made a beeline to my room.
The cold air in the room had dissipated and was replaced with comfortable warmth.
AN: So that was chapter one. I hope it made you laugh at one point or another. The next chapter will see Will at Forks High, where he'll meet all the Twilight characters including the mysterious Cullens! And that's where the fun really gets started. Haha please feel free to leave any comments or questions. Chapter two will be published soon. Thanks for reading!
