"DARTH BLINDSENSE"

ACT ONE

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY – DAY

Establishing shot. The school bell rings.

INT. CLASSROOM

Mr. Garrison enters as the students take their seats.

MR. GARRISON
Quiet, everyone, teacher has a bulldog of a hangover. Quiet, please. SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTHS!

Everyone quiets.

MR. GARRISON
Thank you. Now, in just a minute, we're going to welcome in a new student to our class, but Principal Victoria wanted me to talk to you a little first to prepare you for what you can expect.

KYLE
(to Stan)
Dude, is it just me, or do we get a lot of new kids?

STAN
Yeah, and they never seem to hang around very long for whatever reason.

KYLE
I know.

MR. GARRISON
His name is Regis Cohen and he's blind.

Butters raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON
Yes, Butters?

BUTTERS
How did he go blind?

MR. GARRISON
Well, that depends. According to his doctors, he was born with a congenital abnormality known as micropthalmos due to a problem with his chromosomes. But the state of Colorado legally requires that I also teach you the Church's explanation that a vengeful god sought to punish his unwed mother by having her give birth to a defective bastard child who would forever be a burden to her.

BUTTERS
Oh.

MR. GARRISON
Now, because he's blind, we're going to need to be accommodating and understanding, Eric, due to Regis's specific disability, Eric Cartman.

CARTMAN
Yeah, yeah, the longer we draw this out, the worse it's gonna get.

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

All attention turns to the walking stick that taps its way across the floor at the front of the classroom, followed closely by a giant seeing eye demon beast from hell on steroids. Regis himself wears a backpack. His eyes are small and the pupils point in obscenely opposite directions. He stops when he slaps the shit out of Garrison's leg with his walking stick.

MR. GARRISON
Ow! O-ok, Regis. Say hi to Regis, everyone. And also say hi to Regis's seeing eye dog, Darth.

Regis turns and waves. Darth snorts.

EVERYONE
(tentative)
Hi.

CARTMAN
Dude, that is not a seeing eye dog. That is fucking Vince Clortho.

MR. GARRISON
Eric, watch your language. It is not Vince Clortho, the demon dog from Ghostbusters.

CARTMAN
Yes, it is. It's Vince Clortho, the key master, which means Sigourney Weaver is not far behind, and when she gets here, they're going to have demon sex and issue in the coming of Gozer.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, Regis, you can go and have a seat. There's an empty desk right in the front next to Eric. Do you need help finding it?

Regis smacks Garrison in the shin with his walking stick.

MR. GARRISON
Ah, dammit.

REGIS
No, thank you, Darth will help me find it.

Darth leads Regis over. Regis searches for the desk by swinging his walking stick wildly. He smacks Kyle in the shin.

KYLE
Ow!

He smacks Cartman across the face.

CARTMAN
Hey, kid, that fuckin' hurt, ya asshole!

Darth growls. Cartman cowers.

CARTMAN
But, it's cool, bro. It's cool.

Regis finds the desk and climbs up.

MR. GARRISON
All right. So, picking up from where we left off yesterday...

Regis straight up smacks Cartman in the face with his walking stick.

CARTMAN
Ow!

MR. GARRISON
Eric, what the hell is it now?

CARTMAN
This turd bomber just-

Darth growls.

CARTMAN
(terrified)
Just... he... ugh, nothing.

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Recess. Regis plays on the swings. Darth stands by, guarding him.

All the way on the other side of the playground, every other kid stands huddled together, staring at Darth.

CARTMAN
Oh, my god!

Everyone jumps.

KYLE
What? What is it?

CARTMAN
Over there in the bushes, you guys. I think I just saw Sigourney Weaver.

STAN
Dammit, Cartman, that was just the wind.

CARTMAN
Oooh, my god! Over there, you guys. This time, I definitely saw Sigourney Weaver.

KYLE
That's a squirrel.

A squirrel pokes its head out of a tree.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Principal Victoria peers out the window at the playground. She notices that the other children are giving Regis a wide berth.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, dear. The other children really are keeping their distance.

She turns to face Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, and Mr. Patton, a blind man who carries a walking stick and wears big sunglasses.

PATTON
I wish I could say I was surprised, but we at the American Council for the Blind have seen this, metaphorically speaking, far too many times before. Blind children are frequently shunned and ostracized when entering school environments where the students haven't been properly educated with respect to interacting with the physically disabled.

MACKEY
Mr. Patton, with all due respect, we do have other, um, handicapped students in the school, mmkay? There's Jimmy Valmer and Timmy Burch, and they aren't ostracized at all.

Patton turns in Mackey's direction and swats him insanely hard in the shin with his walking stick.

PATTON
Are you calling me a retard, sir?

MACKEY
Ow! What? No.

PATTON
Because blind people are nothing like that floating head on wheels retard or that deformed, stuttering, crippled little mutant fetus.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Patton!

PATTON
What?!

He turns and smacks her with his walking stick.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ow! If you could, please, refrain from talking like that about our students.

PATTON
This is exactly what I'm talking about. I see this, metaphorically speaking, everywhere I go, in schools cross America. Retards and cripples get special treatment, but blind children just get thrown to the wolves to have to fend for themselves.

EXT. PLAYGROUND

Kenny gets fed up.

KENNY
Thnn hn hnmin hm-hm-hnnun.

Kyle stops Kenny from marching over to the swings.

KYLE
Dude, are you nuts? That kid's dog will rip you to shreds.

Inspirational music plays, like the kind that would play during one of the boys' "I learned something today" speeches.

KENNY
Hn! Nnhm-hm, hnm nnmmhm hmmnh nmnn hhmhh hn. Nhmmmn nhhm nmmhn nhnhn nhm hnmmnh. Nmmnh nmnh nhmmnh nmmn nhhn.

STAN
Wow, you guys. Kenny's right. We shouldn't be afraid. I mean, this is our playground. And I'm sure the school wouldn't let that dog in here if they knew it was dangerous.

BUTTERS
Yeah, Kenny's right.

KYLE
Thanks for showing us all how silly we were being Kenny.

JIMMY
I feel like such a d-d-d-dick.

WENDY
Yeah, Kenny, thanks for setting us all straight.

KENNY
Hnnnhm, nnhmm nhmn nhnn!

Kenny raises his arm triumphantly in the air, turns, and marches toward the swings to lead them all to the playground. No one follows him.

CARTMAN
Nice knowing ya, Kenny.

Kenny marches over to the swings. Darth growls.

KENNY
Hnn, nhm. Hmmn nh nhmn nhn nmm?

Regis swings some more.

KENNY
Hmmn nh nhmn nhn nmm?

REGIS
I'm not deaf! I'm blind! I heard you the first time. You want to swing? Swing. I don't care.

KENNY
Uhn huh. Hnn hnnm, hn-?

Kenny turns around, notices that all his friends are still huddled together at the other side of the playground.

KENNY
Hn, **** hnn mnnh.

Kenny gives them all the finger.

CARTMAN
(far away)
Doin' great, Ken!

Kenny approaches one of the open swings. Darth growls more. Kenny approaches more slowly, gets on, pushes off. Swings once. Twice...

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Outside the window, we see Darth viciously attack Kenny on the swings. The other children scream in terror as Kenny is mauled. Blood flies everywhere. Inside, we can't hear the commotion due to Mr. Patton's crazed ranting.

PATTON
The blind are people, too. And you have absolutely no idea how difficult it can be to live your life without the ability to see. Imagine your entire life lived in total, utter, blackness. You have to rely almost totally on the compassion of others and then those same people treat you like you're a god damn retard!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Patton, I...

Darth shreds Kenny some more, then throws the boy's mangled body through the Principal's window. Kenny's bloodied body lies motionless on the ground as his Counselor and Principal are horrified.

MACKEY
Oh, my god!

Patton wacks at Kenny's mangled body with his walking stick.

PATTON
What? What is it? I can't see.

He whacks Kenny's body a few more times.

EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL – DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

Kenny's entire body is wrapped in bandages as he lays motionless in bed. Machines keep him alive. His friends wait at his bedside as his parents, Carol and Stuart, cry. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are also there.

CAROL
Oh, my little Kenny. How could this have happened?

STUART
Principal Victoria, I am holding you personally responsible. We are going to sue the school system for this.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. McCormick, I assure you, I had no idea that dog was dangerous, and...

Dr. Gouache enters with a nurse. He looks at Kenny's chart.

DR. GOUACHE
Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, I'm afraid your son is in a coma. He suffered severe blood loss due to bite and claw lacerations on most of his body. If he lives, it's highly likely he won't ever be the same again.

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

The door explodes open. It's Mr. Patton and a team of three blind doctors, all with walking sticks and wearing sunglasses.

PATTON
Is this Kenny McCormick's room?

DR. GOUACHE
Yes.

PATTON
Good. We made it just in time. We would have been here sooner, but we went to the wrong room and floor and building.

Patton and the three blind doctors use their walking sticks to cross the room. They reach Dr. Gouache and take turns smacking him with their walking sticks.

DR. GOUACHE
Ow! Just in time for what? Ow! Who are you people?

DR. MOUSE 1
I'm Dr. Mouse. This is my colleague, Dr. Mouse, and this is my other colleague, Dr. Mouse.

PATTON
These doctors are the best blind doctors in the country. If there's anything that can be done for this boy, they'll figure it out.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman exchange confused glances. So do Mackey and Principl Victoria.

STAN
Blind doctors?

Dr. Mouse 1 holds out his hand.

DR. MOUSE 1
Let me see that boy's chart.

DR. GOUACHE
Um, I don't think...

DR. MOUSE 2
Dammit, man, this isn't the time to get territorial. A boy's life is at stake. Just let him see the damn chart!

Dr. Gouache hands Dr. Mouse 1 the chart. He and the other blind doctors look it over.

DR. MOUSE 1
Mhhm, mhhm, I see.

DR. MOUSE 3
I see.

DR. MOUSE 2
I see, too.

DR. MOUSE 1
I need to see the boy.

DR. GOUACHE
Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do about that.

DR. MOUSE 1
He's here, isn't he?

DR. GOUACHE
Yes, but, you're blind.

A pause. Mr. Patton uses his walking stick to move closer. He smacks Dr. Gouache in the shin with it.

PATTON
Are you calling Dr. Mouse retarded?

DR. GOUACHE
What? No, I just mean...

PATTON
Oh, so it's just that blind people can't be doctors? Blind people are just too retarded to be doctors? I see, metaphorically speaking, what's going on here. I've seen it, metaphorically speaking, a thousand times before. You people who can see think you're the only ones who can be doctors, but you don't know what it's like to be born in utter blackness. To have to overcome that darkness, to rise above it, and to hone your other-

KYLE
Oh, Jesus Christ, can you assholes help Kenny or not?

Dr. Gouache turns to Kenny's parents.

DR. GOUACHE
It's up to you.

CAROL
(to Stuart)
What do you think?

STUART
(to Dr. Gouache)
Let them try, Doctor. Let them try.

Dr. Gouache backs away from Kenny's bed.

DR. GOUACHE
Okay, against my better judgment. You can examine Kenny.

The three blind doctors move towards the bed with their walking sticks, swatting away at people and smashing into things. They reach Kenny's bed and beat Kenny a little with their sticks. They then proceed to feel him up.

DR. MOUSE 1
I see.

DR. MOUSE 2
I see.

DR. MOUSE 3
Yes, I absolutely see, too.

DR. MOUSE 1
Well, it's obvious to see what's happened here. This boy has had an allergic reaction.

STAN
No, he didn't. He was attacked by that Regis kid's dog.

DR. MOUSE 2
No, we can clearly see that there are notable skin deformities all along his body.

Dr. Mouse 3 touches Kenny, then sniffs him, then licks him.

CARTMAN
Dude, that is messed up.

DR. MOUSE 3
Just as I thought. There appear to be traces of animal saliva and fur.

KYLE
Yeah, because that kid's dog tried to eat him. Kenny's whole head was in his mouth.

PATTON
That's impossible, boys. You see, seeing eye dogs are carefully trained from when they're puppies to be non-violent. They don't attack humans under any circumstances.

CARTMAN
This one did.

MR. PATTON
Nope, not possible.

STAN
It is possible. We all saw it!

PATTON
Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?

KYLE
Yes.

DR. MOUSE 1
The eyes can be fooled, boys. Luckily, since we're blind, our other senses are heightened to near super human abilities. This gives us a keen sense that other people just don't have. That's how we know, this was no animal attack. This was a simple allergic reaction to dog hair and saliva and claws and teeth. I prescribe antihistamines, prednisone, and plenty of bed rest, and he should be just fine.

PATTON
Brilliant, Dr. Mouse! Once again, you've managed to see, metaphorically speaking, what other more conventional doctors just couldn't. You, too, Dr. Mouse, Dr. Mouse. Thank you all so much for coming.

The three blind doctors bump into each other, knock things over, and smack people with their walking sticks as they exit the room. Dr. Mouse 3 is the only doctor to miss smacking Cartman on his way out and he actually goes back into the room to smack him before leaving for good.

CARTMAN
Ow! Screw you, guy!

STAN
There is no way I'm going to school tomorrow if that thing is gonna be there.

KYLE
Me neither.
Mackey and Principal Victoria look nervous.

To be continued... (If you're lucky)