A/N-I intended this to be a short, one-shot, but it kinda got out of its leash and took off! It'll probably be a 3 or 4-chapter deal, and I'll add on depending on the response.
Disclaimer-Nope. Cassie, yes.
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The Mentalist
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Jane Something
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Lisbon sighed, signing her name to and tossing aside another complaint form against her consultant. She shook her head wearily, thinking how Patrick Jane could add another title to his CBI resume (aside from "pain-in-the-ass"): "bane of Lisbon's existence". When she wasn't busy (literally) chasing down bad guys, or kissing political or financial ass, she was doing damage control, which aside from her duties as senior agent, had become, in itself, a full-time job. Between refereeing when he insulted rich bigwigs or grieving spouses-turned-suspects, and taking the fall every time he misbehaved, Teresa was seriously stressed-out and, judging from the ever-present, and ever-growing piles of Jane-incurred paperwork on her desk every day, her stress levels didn't look to be decreasing any time soon. Sighing, she picked up another handful, and silently perused their contents.
-"Consultant Jane referred to man's recently deceased wife as a gold-digging whore (alluded), simply to test husband's reaction, and had to be ordered out of the room when the husband tried to punch Jane."
-"CBI consultant Jane was caught snooping through home of interviewee, and was later discovered by Agent Lisbon to have stolen evidence from the home, thus resulting in the case being temporarily dismissed."
-"Jane purposefully made highly suggestive comments, thus starting rampant rumors, about a highly regarded kindergarten teacher at Chapel Ridge Elementary School, seriously damaging this teacher's reputation, again, simply to cause disruptions/suspicion among the staff, and flush out potential suspects in a child murder case."
-"Consultant Jane switched almost $250,000 of gangster's money with fake bills…"
-"Jane hypnotized suspect into giving confession…"
-"Jane rigged GPS in company SUV…"
-"Jane tricked federal officials…"
-"Jane lied…"
-"Jane manipulated …"
-"Jane stole…"
Lisbon tossed the files back on her desk with a disgusted huff. Every complaint was the same thing; it was the same song, just with slightly different lyrics. This was not how she'd envisioned her career working out. She was a cop, a CBI Senior Agent, a team leader: a freaking baby-sitter was more like it, and her charge was an irritating, immature, extremely brilliant yet arrogant-to-the-nth-degree 40-year-old toddler, who gave no thought to the chaos his behavior caused, and even less thought to the never-ending extra work it caused her.
She read through, and signed another one, then placed it in the 'finished' pile.
"I spent my formative years raising my brothers, Jane," she muttered quietly. "I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend my entire career raising you to maturity. I'll be on my deathbed and still trying."
She glanced out into the bullpen, and saw the source of her aggravation, lying comfortably on his leather couch, fingers laced across his chest, his face smooth and relaxed in the guise of sleep. She had half a mind to go over there and smack him upside the head, or at least make him deal with the formal complaints; they were about him, after all. But she couldn't do that; she was the Boss, he was her responsibility, and it was her job to field all complaints against him. She understood that, but dammit, did he have to rack up so many?
It's not like he didn't know how to behave; he could help make her job a little easier if he chose. But she knew that he neither cared what people thought of him (or made a good show of it), nor how difficult it made things for her (or so it seemed). He was Jane; they needed him, and he knew it. So here she was, Senior Agent Lisbon, swimming in Jane-complaints.
Suddenly the door swung open and the man himself breezed in and unceremoniously dropped onto her couch, taking the same relaxed, oblivious position he'd been in before.
"Hope you, aawwww-huuuhh," he drawled through a yawn, "don't mind me napping in here, Lisbon. It's just getting much too noisy out there."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm terribly sorry our hard-working, state agents are distracting you," she replied. He murmured a non-committal, and unintelligible reply, then went quiet. She regarded him for a moment.
"Was there something you needed, Jane?"
"Just a quiet spot in which to nap. It's usually very quiet in here, very peaceful," he murmured, not bothering to open his eyes. "Don't you have some paperwork or something to do?" he asked, and she didn't fail to notice the faint smirk he wore, even in 'sleep'. Oh, he had some nerve.
She bit back a retort, settling instead for simply glowering at him and tapping her pen on the desk.
"Lisbon, my dear, as pleasant as I'm sure I am to stare at," he said smugly, his voice slurring slightly, "best get to work. All those pesky complaints aren't going to answer themselves."
Now she wanted to throw something at him, something heavy.
"If you're so concerned about my workload, Jane," she began, not bothering to keep the sarcasm from her voice, "why don't you come do some of these?"
"Meh," he answered drowsily, still not bothering to open his eyes. "You know I'm not really into doing paperwork."
She snorted softly. "Sure, you can't be bothered to do it, but you have no problem creating it."
"Hmmmm," he hummed absently. Knowing that that was all she'd get out of him, Lisbon just shook her head, sighed inaudibly, and got back to work.
The next day began pretty much the way it usually did: in the morning the team headed out on a case, Jane poked around the crime scene, sniffing around for clues, and the body, and eventually contributed his two unique cents, pissing off two of the local PD who had called the CBI there in the first place. After sending the others back to HQ with their orders to look into the victim's background, she and Jane went to interview the victim's family, during which he asked a couple of his own questions, inevitably offending and angering the victim's mother and teenaged daughter.
After apologizing profusely for her colleague's unprofessionalism, and pushing an 'apologetic' Jane out the door, they too headed back, complete with a couple of fresh leads, and promises of several new complaints against the rude consultant.
Back at the office, Lisbon heard updates on what they'd learned so far.
"So, so far we know the victim was a middle-aged businessman whom everyone liked, who had no enemies, paid his taxes, and even gave to charity," Lisbon summarized sourly what she'd heard.
"Pretty much," Cho confirmed, his voice betraying his own disappointment.
"Why so grumpy, Lisbon?" Jane chimed in. He'd been sitting quietly on his couch, seemingly lost in thought since they'd got back, but now spoke up, curious as to why she'd be so melancholy about their latest victim.
"For once your unfortunate dead man isn't a lying, cheating, scum-sucking criminal hiding the proverbial secret wife and a sock-drawer full of stolen money. Well," he shrugged, "that you know of. The dearly departed Mr. Zaffora was a good boy; an all-American, regular Joe who no doubt coached his kids' little league games every weekend, who played nicely with others and obeyed the rules; just the way you like them. So why so glum?"
"Too clean, no motive," Cho answered automatically.
Lisbon nodded. "Exactly. The cleaner the victim, the harder it is to find a motive," she sighed.
"Ah, I see. So you'd rather have a bad dead person, because that would make your job easier?" he asked rhetorically, nodding in understanding.
Lisbon blushed, quickly opening and closing her mouth. Rigsby cleared his throat in discomfort and averted his eyes, while van Pelt aimed a mildly annoyed look at Jane for his asinine remark. Cho showed no reaction, other than to purse his lips slightly.
"That…no…that's not what I meant," Lisbon stuttered, momentarily baited. She quickly recovered though. "No matter who the victim is, or how simple or straightforward a case may start, my job is never easy," she glared pointedly at Jane, who wore an innocent 'whatever you say' expression.
"Aside from everything else, I also have to deal with all the paperwork a case generates. This one's barely a day old, and already I've got a stack of complaints on my desk fifteen thick!"
"Meh, being Senior Agent's tough," Jane dismissed, shifting to lie back fully on the couch. "Suck it up."
Lisbon just shot him a dirty look, then turned and stalked to her office, leaving the bullpen to its regular activity.
"Your mouth's gonna get you shot one of these days, you know," Cho commented, not even bothering to look up from his own work.
"I appreciate the warning, Cho," Jane thanked him kindly. "I'm touched by your concern for my safety."
"Not a warning: it was a statement of fact," Cho retorted in a monotone. "I just hope I'm there to see it," he muttered under his breath, not knowing, or caring if Jane heard him. If Jane did, he made no response.
After about three-and-a-half hours, Lisbon was almost finished with the last batch of files from their previous case. From the corner of her eye she had watched agent after agent leave on their way to lunch, wishing she could wave a magic wand and finish all this stuff in one sweep. She hadn't even gotten to the stuff from that morning! She'd been ignoring her increasingly loud stomach rumblings as long as she could, but now conceded that she, too, needed to eat. She left open the file she was currently working on, grabbed her wallet, phone, and keys, locked her office, and headed out.
Returning about an hour later, Lisbon went to unlock her office door, only to find it was already open. Frowning slightly, she pushed it open, and stopped short a couple feet from her desk. Her bare desk. Well, not exactly. Everything was still there: her computer, her laptop, the photos of her brothers and her dog, her new stapler. What was missing, she realized, were the neatly arranged, loathed stacks of paperwork which had seemed to start sprouting, weed-like, on her desk over the last two years or so. Her eyes darted around the room, but nothing else was out of order.
She started for the bullpen, to demand to know who the hell had been in her office, moving, and possibly hiding stuff, her thoughts immediately going to Jane: this time, she silently growled, I am going to shoot him, I never thought he'd sneak, break, in there when I wasn't here! but her inner tirade was cut short by Agent Minelli, who was coming down the hall towards her.
"Lisbon, there you are! I'm glad I caught you…" he began.
"I'm sorry, sir, can this wait? Someone's been in my office," she interrupted hurriedly. A blonde, vest-wearing, presumptuous someone…
He lifted a hand to stop her.
"No, no, Lisbon, that was me," he explained. "I went into your office while you were at lunch."
She blinked, her green eyes widening in surprise.
"You…" she echoed awkwardly.
He nodded. "Yes, we, or rather, I, wanted to have it all moved before you got back so you could focus on only the paperwork relating to the case," he said, and grinned like that simple statement explained everything.
After a beat, she shook her head slowly.
"I'm sorry, sir, but, what are you talking about? Who's 'we'? Have what moved out?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry! This must be so confusing for you, this whole thing happened so fast…" he trailed off. "Lisbon, there's someone I'd like you to meet," he said, and only then did Teresa notice the young woman standing quietly, patiently off to the side. He gestured to her, and she stepped forward.
"This is Cassie Dolinsky, she just joined the CBI…today. Ms. Dolinsky, this is Agent Teresa Lisbon."
The girl held out her hand, which Lisbon took.
"It's nice to meet you Agent Lisbon," Cassie began pleasantly. "I'm glad to be here, if doing my job will make yours a little easier. I hope I'll be very helpful to you," she smiled. "If what Agent Minelli has told me, I will," she added cryptically.
"It's nice to meet you too, Ms. Dolinsky," Lisbon smiled, albeit confusedly. "What exactly is your job? Am I getting a new agent?" she asked Minelli.
"Please, call me Cassie," the young woman offered. "Oh, no, I'm not an Agent, Ms. Lisbon. I'm your new assistant."
"Assistant?" Lisbon repeated hesitantly, a tiny ripple of fear passing through her. Was the Bureau starting to question her competency if they were sending her a secretary?
"Yes," Minelli cut in. "I've taken into consideration the abundance of extra paperwork you often have to deal with, in addition to the normal work that goes with a case, and thought an assistant might be useful in divvying up some of it. The Director agreed, so we hired Ms. Dolinsky here as SCU Unit Assistant."
"I'll be handling your employee complaints."
With that statement, Lisbon's confusion cleared, and she grinned, a pleased, relieved smile. Her complaint files, huh? Out of all of her people, there was only one individual against whom so many complaints were lodged on nearly every case. And now, they would all be someone else's problem? Teresa's grin widened.
"Welcome to the Unit," she now greeted sincerely. "I'm glad to have you."
"Thank you," Cassie replied cheerfully.
"Well, now that you two have met," Minelli said, "I'll let you get back to work. Lisbon, I'll need an update on the Zaffora case this afternoon."
"Yes, sir."
"Ladies," he finished gentlemanly, and left.
"Yes, I need to be getting back," the younger woman agreed. "Again, nice to meet you, Agent Lisbon. I'll drop by later," she said, and also left, heading back down the hall, disappearing around the corner.
Lisbon remained there for a couple seconds more, stunned at what just happened, then walked back into her office, to her now complaint-free desk, and resumed working on the files for the case.
Please review; they're my reason for getting up in the morning!
