What have I become,

so eager to know what he'll say,

so eager for him to turn and look at me?
I hate this

yet I want him to hold me close,

I want to push that envelope so much farther away even though I know

that he's impossible,

that this can't be healthy

let alone end well

yet I press closer when he's near

and wonder if he sees me as a woman

now that I stand before him,

dressed like one,

wonder if that's all he'll see

and if he loves catching my eye,

watching me

I can't believe that I've grown this weak,

but I want to see this through,

figure out if this love is better

if it pushes and burns

beyond me,

beyond my control that's grown flimsy

'I love you'

even though I've yet to grow worthy

of being near anyone's side this way,

'I love you'

despite how much of a mess you are,

will you love me back twice as hard?