Disclaimer: I do not own any creative right to any CSI character. They belong to CBS and whomever with the big clams at CSI Production Company. To say that I do not own anything or have no money will be downright lying. I do own all six seasons of CSI on DVDs and whatever little money I have, it is earmarked for my kids' college funds so please don't sue me.

Pairing: My 'ship has only enough room for GSR. Everyone else, walk the plank!

Spoilers: Up to "Grave Danger". Maybe a reference here and there of Seasons 6 & 7.

Rating: M due to abusive relationship, sexual violence, and erotic content.

Summary: GSR. An AU story of how Sara and Grissom finally found each other. Not an easy road for them but then, has anything been easy for these two?

A/N: I would really appreciate any feedback and hope you will enjoy reading my story as much as I enjoy writing it.


To Love and Be Loved

Author: litbuff

Prologue

The first time it happened, she deserved it.

At the height of her ecstasy, Sara murmured his name. The name that had branded itself to her subconsciousness slipped beautifully out of her moist lips as her body went through the last of the spasms. Suddenly her eyes jerked open as she felt the shocking pain to her jaw. Two angry blue eyes looked down at her in disbelief.

"I am so sorry…" was all she could muster as she recovered from the shock and pain she was feeling at that moment.

"What the hell was that?" Her lover spatted the words venomously at her as he sat up on his heels.

Sara instinctively reached for her bed sheet to wrap her naked self and sprinted from the bed to the sanctuary of her bathroom.

After making sure the bathroom door was locked, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Damn it, why couldn't he pick another place on her body to show his jealousy? She fingered her jaw to assess the damage. This would definitely bruise. Her mind immediately knew what to do. She had seen her mother did it a million times before and Sara herself too had done it while growing up. She stepped back and sighed… You look like shit Sidleof all the pathetic things you did in your life, this is probably the lowest of lows…

She turned away from the mirror and stood with her left ear pressed against the closed bathroom door for what seemed like an eternity before she heard the front door to her apartment slammed shut. He left. With the sigh of relief, she sagged to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. Only then did she allow her tears to flow.

Sara did not blame him for being so bitter. Who wouldn't be if the woman you were making love to called out another man's name while in the mist of blissfulness?


Chapter 1

Two years earlier – Las Vegas

It was very disheartening to witness the love of her life moved on with his life without a second glance. Yes, Sara Sidle was aware of the other women in Gil Grissom's life but somehow this time it was different. Sara knew about these women per courtesy of the gossipy high school environment called the Las Vegas CSI Lab. She was never interested in hearing about other people's private lives. But when it concerned a certain entomologist, Sara was all ears.

First there was Dr. Terri Miller, the renowned anthropologist, sculpturally beautiful and extremely intelligent; she dumped Grissom after their first date because she couldn't tolerate his needs to be consumed by his work. Then came Lady Heather, dominatrix; sexually sensual and understood Grissom's dark side like no other woman; she had put the stop to their fleeting relationship when Grissom unwittingly suspected her for the murders of her employees. And of course who could forget Sofia Curtis, former CSI day shift acting supervisor; young, talented and incorrigibly flirtatious; Grissom nipped it in the bud when he found out that he and the Sheriff were having more things in common than working in law enforcement.

The latest woman in Grissom's life came at the heel of Nick's kidnapping. Nick's ordeal shook everyone to the core, especially Grissom. He had withdrawn even more after that. It was during that period that Catherine decided to play matchmaker. She introduced Grissom to one of her acquaintances.

After Eddie's death, Catherine decided to join a support group for grieving relatives that lost loved ones. There she met Dr. Jan Baker, a clinical psychologist, curly shoulder length blonde hair, petite, forty something and devoted to her career as much as Grissom. At least they had something in common Catherine rationalized. According to Catherine, Dr. Jan Baker and Dr. Gil Grissom seemed to hit it off instantly and one date turned into several.

One night as Sara, Nick, Warrick and Greg were in the break room discussing Greg's latest romantic escapade, Catherine walked in with their assignments. She continued by announcing that Grissom had taken the night off and hinted that if everything should go as planned, everyone should be prepared to congratulate him. The group gave Catherine a confused look before it dawned on everyone as to what those cryptic words meant. Everyone started to speak up at once except for Sara, who just numbly sank back against her chair. Sara might be indifferent on the outside but internally her female instinct drove into overdrive at the realization that her world had just collapsed in seismic proportion and her heart was irresuscitably flat-lined.


Sara really needed a drink tonight.

She opened her fridge in search of a beer only to find it empty. She walked back to her sofa, curled up into a bundle and just stared into the darkness. She was dreading what tomorrow would bring.

Sara received Grissom's wedding invitation in the mail one month after Catherine's announcement that fateful night. The next night, Sara had called in sick because she couldn't face the reality that would be waiting for her at the lab. That and partly because of the gigantic hangover, the result of Sara trying to drown her sorrow the minute she was off the clock that morning.

After recovering from her pity party, Sara decided for the sake of everyone involved, she would just concentrate on her job and went about her work professionally. That was easier said than done. Seeing him handing out assignments was tough, verbal interactions concerning ongoing cases between them were even tougher. Sara was trying her best to avoid him and he had let her, which only served to bruise her emotional being even more. She was operating in self-preserving mode but yet it was still not enough. With each tear shed in silent, a part of her soul died a bit more.

The wedding was tomorrow and Sara did not know if she would have enough courage to attend. She did not want to ruin his special day but yet by not showing up, she would have announced to the world that Sara Sidle couldn't face the rejection a man who had meant more to her than life itself. And that was the last thing she wanted.

She did not want pity or sympathy. God, she had enough of that in her childhood to last a lifetime. Growing up in her household was not easy but Sara did not know that. To her, the fighting, the yelling, the trips to the hospital seemed normal enough. What puzzling to the child Sara was the looks she received from the hospital staff. They all seemed to be extra nice to her as compared to the other injured people that arrived at the emergency room.

When she was old enough to understand adult conversation, she would hear her mother explaining to the emergency personnel that Sara's injuries were the results of her clumsiness instead of at the hands of her father. Sara knew something was amiss but she just did not dare to question her mother. And so the lies began until the night her mother decided to end the false pretense of the only life Sara had ever known.

Life was tough growing up but Sara had never given up on love. She had always wanted to love and be loved. Like Newton's Third Law of Motion, she postulated that if she loved enough, she would receive the love back with the same intensity. Somehow her hypothesis just didn't seem to work with humans. She tried to be a good daughter and ended up orphaned. She tried to be the perfect kid in the foster care system and she ended up in six different homes in five years. She tried to be an exemplary student of a brilliant man in hope that he would think of her more than just a mere protégé and ended up with him marrying someone else. Sara wished that she'd have had the chance to meet face-to-face with Sir Isaac Newton and tell him that his theory sucks and she regretted that she majored in Physics.

God Sidle, you are really depressing… your pity party is already in full swing and not a single drop of alcohol is required…

Sara stood up abruptly, grabbed her purse and headed out the door.


TBC