Guilt – Barisi

Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Rating: T

Barisi One Shot. No Spoilers. Rafael can never forgive himself for what happened to Sonny.

He was quiet.

Not a word came out of usually loudmouth that was Rafael Barba. How could he be a loudmouth today? Or even any other day after today? He took a deep breath and clutched the picture frame close to his chest; his heart. Rafael knew that if he closed his eyes, it would all come flooding back, but he needed it. He needed to see him alive, moving… smiling.

So he closed his eyes.

And just like he said, it all came back. Memories, pain, happiness, everything washed and crashed upon each other. It was absolute pandemonium.

Sonny.

There he was. The tall, lanky detective. He was smiling, and Rafael couldn't help but smile back at him. Suddenly, Sonny frowned and Rafael smile fell. The disappointment in his eyes crushed Rafael. He felt small, hopeless. Tears spilled from his eyes as he watched Sonny shake his head before turning around and walking away.

"No!" Rafael yelled after him, he wanted him back. Oh how much he wants Sonny back. He cried, sobbed into his hands as he fell. The picture frame fell as well. Rafael gasped and quickly checked the condition of the picture frame. It was broken, much like he was, however the picture inside was salvageable. He picked up the picture and hugged it while sobbing until he couldn't no more.

Curling up into a fetal position, he whimpered as his sobbing slowly became silent. Rafael wiped the snot that came out of his nose and stayed silent for a moment. The only sounds were his breath spasms.

"I loved you." Rafael heard Sonny, but he was nowhere to be seen. The use of past tense hit Rafael hard. He bit his lip to avoid falling into a cycle of sobbing. "I loved you." He heard it again before jolting awake.

Rafael gasped and grabbed the couch he had fallen out of. He felt unstable. He glanced at the situation he was in, his body was drenched in sweat. The broken picture frame laid between the table and couch, the picture in his hands.

His breath was uneasy as he stood up, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He gazed dizzily at the clock on the wall. 7:00. A permanent frown remained on his face as he delicately placed the picture on his nightstand before walking to the bathroom. He peeled off his clothing before hopping into the shower. He took a cold one to make himself awake. Eventually he got himself cleaned and dressed, but he couldn't seem to walk out the door. Everywhere he went, a reminder of Sonny would appear. His guilt and pain could never leave him. Rafael sighed heavily before grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniels and pouring it into a glass with ice. He drank it quickly before pouring himself another.

Having a drink for breakfast had become his morning ritual. It would most likely stay that way. After all, what else could he do? How could he put effort into anything anymore? Now that Sonny… now that Sonny was gone.

Rafael slammed the glass on the table. How dare he not do anything? He should not have pulled Sonny back into bed when he tried to get back. Maybe then the bastard who hurt him would have never gotten the chance.

If Rafael was not selfish, then Sonny would still be alive... well… here.

The anger got the best of him as Rafael threw the glass at his wall, which broke on impact. He gripped the edges of the counter tried to calm down, but it wasn't happening. The ugly sobs rolled down his face and his knees buckled. As they hit the floor, Rafael's cheek came into contact with the cold counter; it was soothing against his burning cheeks. One of his grips loosens and he fell further. Then another, and he was on the floor.

It was his fault Sonny died, and he can never forgive himself.