Chapter One: Scream
Voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
They're pushing, pushing
They're pushing
I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time its man to man
I'm driving, fighting inside a
World that's upside down
And spinning faster
What do I do now without you?
*************************************************************
May 2, 1989
New York, NY
Lily Rhodes stared at the white stick in total shock. The bright blue plus sign glared up at her, condemning her. Pregnant? How could she be pregnant? Damn Rufus Humphrey for doing this to her! Tears welled up in her eyes as the grim reality of her situation sunk in. She had broken up with Rufus, cheated on him, because of her mother. Of course, Rufus had no idea that Cecilia Rhodes had her claws deep inside her daughter, he just assumed that Lily had left him for another man. Lily just cried harder when it dawned on her that this was essentially true. She left Rufus, left Rufus while carrying something that was at least partly his, left him for money. Lily sank to the floor, rubbing her stomach and trying to stop the constant flow of tears streaming down her cheeks. She needed a plan.
"Miss Lillian?" The voice of her maid rang out, and the doorknob rattled as she tried to enter the bathroom. "Is everything alright? Your mother sent me to check on you."
Lily cleared her throat. "Yes, I'm fine. I'll be down in a minute."
She took a deep breath. She had to recover. She couldn't have her mother finding out about this and getting involved. At least until what she decided what to do. She slowly and methodically reapplied her make up, a mask to show the world. No one could know anything about this. She sighed and adjusted her dress in the mirror.
"C'mon baby, let's go." she murmured as she shut the door behind her.
*************************************************************
November 11th, 2008
San Francisco, California
Samantha Delavan shoved piles upon piles of clothes into her bright green suitcase. She ran around her room, pulling out dresses, skirts, sunglasses, anything that could possibly be necessary in New York. Everything was laid out in every possible place, on her desk, on her bed. Amanda Delavan leaned against the doorframe, watching the child she had raised as if she was her own stress out and sprint around the room.
"You're not moving to New York, you know." she said somewhat sadly.
Samantha rolled her chocolate-brown eyes. "I'm going to be there for months. I need a lot of stuff."
"Look, Sammy, you don't have to do this." Her mother pleaded. "There's plenty of opportunity for you here, plenty of auditions-"
"You know as well as I do that's not why I'm going." She snapped, her long blonde hair whipping around her neck as she turned away from the woman who had raised her for the past nineteen years.
"Think about this rationally. You're leaving your friends, your home, your boyfriend. For what?"
Samantha glared at her. "For my family. To find where I came from. And to star in a college production that will advance my chances of doing well at school, and will give me more experience. It's the whole reason that I applied for the spring term instead of fall."
"And your friends? What will you do about them?"
"We've all separated for college. In case you haven't noticed, I'm one of the only ones left."
"What about Chase? Where does he fit into all of this?" Amanda pressed.
"Not that it's any of your business, but we're planning on having a long-term relationship. It's only a few months we'll be apart."
"Then you'll be back in California."
"As far as I know." Samantha muttered.
"And what if they don't accept you? What will you do then? Will all of this be worth it?"
Samantha didn't answer.
"You don't even know if they're still together. They could be on opposite sides of the state. What right do you have to disrupt their lives? They gave you up. They sent you away. Why do you want to meet people who don't want you?"
Samantha blinked back tears. "I do know things. They're both married to different people now."
"Exactly! They're married and probably have children of their own. They gave you up so that you could have another life, a better life." She reached out and touched Samantha's shoulder gently. "Sammy..."
"No! I'm going, and you can't stop me! I earned the money to go. I got the part." She paused. "If you loved me like you say you do, than you would be proud of me and the way I worked my ass off for this. You'd want me to know where I came from, want me to explore my past simply because that's what I want. And if you had raised me with even a little bit of that love, than you'd be sure that I'd come back when I was ready."
Amanda was silent at this. The room remained trapped in awkward silence until Samantha stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
*************************************************************
September 20th, 1989
New York, NY
It had been a little more than four months since Lily had found out about her condition, and she was still without any plan as to what to do. She studied herself critically in the mirror. She had developed a medium sized bump, but she had been very careful to buy her clothes bigger so that it went unnoticed. Lily also really needed to find something to do about her mother. CeCe had become even more suspicious of her since she had abruptly stopped living the groupie life and moved back home, seemingly embracing the traditional Upper East Side lifestyle she had long abhorred. Lily had agreed to every one of her mother's requests, every date and every party without fail. As much as she couldn't stand it, even she realized that the Upper East Side was much better for her and her unborn baby than a succession of grungy, grimy rock stars carrying god-knows-what. Unfortunately, all of Lily's efforts just made CeCe more and more wary and on the look out for any misbehavior.
Lily also faced a dilemma when it came to telling the baby's father about his new child. She knew somewhere deep down inside that the baby growing inside her was a Humphrey, even with all of the other men who she had been with after Rufus, just because of the timing. Sadly, that bit of insight did not give her any ideas on how to inform said Humphrey about his impending fatherhood. Especially since the latest gossip she had heard revolved around Rufus's newest girlfriend, some artist. Lily couldn't help scoffing. Once this mess was over with, she fully intended to show that woman the full extent of Lily Rhodes' wrath. She vaguely heard a key in the lock of the door downstairs and figured her mother had returned home. Lily sighed and looked at the calendar. She had another doctor's appointment in two weeks. By then, Lily needed to have some idea of what to do about this baby. She caressed her stomach, wondering vaguely whether her child (their child) was a boy or a girl. Her mind floated through a list of baby names. She had always loved Anthony or Ethan for a boy, and was sorely tempted to name the baby after herself if it was a girl. Serena was tempting too. She tried very hard to eliminate the names Rufus had always liked.
"Well, baby." She said quietly. "You definitely won't be a Cecilia."
As if the woman herself had heard her comment, a sharp knock sounded on the door.
"Yes?" Lily inquired.
"Miss Lillian, your mother would like to see you." The maid said.
Lily groaned loudly. "Tell her I'm sleeping."
"She says it's urgent."
Lily rolled her eyes at her reflection. "Alright, I'm on my way."
She pulled her clothes back on, rubbed her stomach once for good measure, and went to face the music.
Lily descended the stairs, her heart pounding as she spotted her mother sitting almost regally in her normal spot in the living room. She took a deep breath, determined to remain composed.
"Mother, you wanted to see me?" she said, trying to smile normally.
Cecilia Rhodes looked up at her daughter, her eyes cold. "Yes. Sit down, Lillian."
Lily sat down across from her mother nervously.
"You haven't been feeling well lately." Cecilia said. "Elizabeth has said you've been sleeping more than usual, eating less."
Lily's breathing started to increase rapidly.
"I thought at first that it was a virus, something making its way around the city." she continued, seemingly oblivious to Lily's nervousness. "Then I noticed that you had gained a significant amount of weight."
"Mother!" Lily exclaimed, trying her hardest to sound offended.
Cecilia pretended not to notice her outburst. "How do you think this could be?"
"Oh mother, its probably just one of those silly sicknesses going around. Jennifer Francis was sick just last week with similar symptoms." Lily lied. "I'm sure it will pass."
"That is the only possible explanation?"
"Yes, of course."
"Would this also, then, explain why a doctor that I have never heard of left a message on our answering machine reminding you of your sonogram next week?" Cecilia questioned.
"Well, you see, I made an appointment with Dr. Olivier because Dr. Currington was not available. He must have gotten me mixed up with another patient."
"Another patient that has been living a rather unhealthy lifestyle as of late, does not sleep regularly, and has recently moved back in with her mother, who her bills are addressed to? That has . . . " She paused to pick up the file sitting on the table next to her and flip through it. "No intention of identifying the father, but can reveal that he is a healthy, twenty year old male with no diseases to speak of?"
Lily sucked in a breath. "How did you get my file?"
"Darling, the Rhodes family has connections everywhere. The real question is, how long did you think you could keep this from me? Until you went into labor and had to catch a taxi to the hospital?"
Lily did not respond, biting her lip.
"Do you know the identity of the father?"
"Of course." Lily said reluctantly.
"It's that Humphrey character, isn't it?" When Lily again refused to respond, Cecilia clicked her tongue scoldingly. "So much for no diseases to speak of . . . that man probably has thousands."
"Mother! That's just unnecessary."
Cecilia ignored this. "Well, you must know that the only option is to get rid of it."
Lily could almost feel her heart stop. "G-get rid of it?"
"Don't be stubborn, darling. It's the only way to ensure that no one finds out about this little, ah, mishap. Everything has just begun to work out for you. William Van der Woodsen is courting you-"
"I don't care about William Van der Woodsen! I care about my baby. You're not killing it."
"So what are you going to do? Run over to Rufus Humphrey's dingy apartment, tell him everything? Do you really think he'll take you back after all that you've done to him? After you chose your inheritance over him? The inheritance which, if you remember correctly, I control for at least the next year?"
"There has to be another way. A better way." When Cecilia did not show any reaction to this, Lily continued earnestly. "I'll have my baby, and give it to loving parents once it is born. There has to be a couple you know that needs a child..."
Cecilia looked thoughtful. "Catherine Delavan's daughter just found out she was infertile. That could work."
Lily grasped onto the idea. "I could go to Switzerland so that I can have the baby without arising suspicion. The Delavans can take her from there."
"What about your Humphrey? You don't think he deserves a say in this?" Cecilia said, derision evident in her voice.
"Rufus would understand." Lily said quietly. Cecilia nodded. "Than I'd say we've reached a decision. I'll have Elizabeth pack your things as soon as possible."
Lily nodded silently, managing to make it up to her room before she collapsed.
************************************************************
November 11th, 2008
San Francisco, CA
Samantha made it out of her house and down the street to the park that was the location of all of her mental breakdowns before collapsing onto a wooden bench, her head in her hands. Her conversation with Amanda brought all of her insecurities about her family and the trip to the surface. She sighed, reaching for the business card stashed, as it always was, in her jeans pocket. Samantha clutched it for support, trying to reassure herself that she was doing the right thing, that she could do this. She couldn't help smiling at Bart Bass's address, sitting innocently in the palm of her hand. It hadn't been easy getting the personal office of "Big Bad Bart", but apparently she had underestimated the respect the Delavan name commanded all over the United States.
Even still, this was beyond plans and phone calls now. This was it, the main event. Samantha almost couldn't believe that the time to leave was almost here, that after months of working and planning she was actually going, going to New York to meet the mother and father she had never known. The emotion that overcame her at the thought was too much to bear, a combination of fear and overwhelming joy. Her plan had a 50/50 chance of failing miserably, as Amanda had predicted, or working and giving her everything she had always dreamt of. Samantha sat there for what felt like hours, unable to stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks, until finally, she took a deep breath and stood. There was still a lot to do before her plane was to take off in the morning, she had to finish packing and get ready for her date with Chase later that evening. Samantha couldn't help smiling at the thought of her boyfriend, who had been her inspiration for planning the trip and auditioning for Anastasia. Maybe she should call him, just to check on plans.
Grinning widely now, Samantha pressed "Send" and placed the phone to her ear. After the phone rang two or three times, she looked around in confusion as she swore she heard Chase's ringtone off in the distance. Samantha's mood instantly improved when she saw him, standing only a few feet from her on the path leading towards the woods. He always did have a knack for being there whenever she really needed him. As she started towards him, she caught a glimpse of another person, her arms wrapped around Chase's waist. She watched in disbelief as Chase picked the girl up off of the ground and spun her around before kissing her soundly on the lips. Growing angrier by the second, Samantha dialed his number again and stormed towards the "happy couple".
She heard Chase sigh as he pulled out his phone.
"Sammy again." he complained.
"Just ignore her." the girl pleaded, running her fingers throughChase's hair.
"I'm sure it's nothing important." he mumbled, leaning towards the girl to kiss her again.
"Nothing important?" Samantha fumed, shoving Chase from behind.
Chase turned rapidly to look at her. "S-Sam-Sammy this isn't what it looks like."
"Really?" She asked sarcastically, shoving him again. "Because it looks like you're cheating on me with some skank!"
"Hey!" the girl objected. Chase looked over at her apologetically.
"How could you do this to me Chase? After everything we've been through together? You told me you loved me, and this is how you choose to throw it back in my face?!"
"I do love you, babe." he mumbled, obviously out of it as he attempted to touch her gently, comfortingly.
Samantha slapped his hand away. "Don't you dare touch me. Don't come near me. We're over. Done. You and your skank can get back to whatever it was you were doing." Then, with as much dignity as she could muster, Samantha turned and walked away from Chase without looking back. She made herself walk until she got to the entrance of the park before breaking into a sprint, running until she reached her room and was able to slam and lock the door behind her. Hands shaking, she dumped every single article of clothing out of each of her suit cases and began to refold them, one by one. By the time Chase would have been picking her up for their date, Samatha had reorganized her entire room.
*************************************************************
August 1st, 1989
Newark, New Jersey
Lily was barely coherent as her mother and Elizabeth half-dragged her through Newark airport. James Delavan had sent a car to transport the family from the Rhodes penthouse in the heart of New York City to New Jersey, where he and his private jet were waiting to whisk the family off to Switzerland for a "family vacation". Cecilia was happy to accept this lie, she had been rambling for days about the important people she was planning on meeting, the places she was to see. Lily couldn't stand to hear any of it. She was to spend the next four months in seclusion, essentially, while waiting for her baby to be born and delivered straight into Amanda Delavan's impatient, twitchy, too skinny arms. Lily couldn't help stroking her stomach reassuringly, telling her baby girl that everything was going to be alright. That Mommy loved her no matter where she was going, or what everyone said.
Once on the plane, Lily buckled her seatbelt and stared out the window broodingly. Her mother had quickly abandoned her, chatting amiably with Catherine Delavan about all of her acquantinces in Switzerland. Lily was simply alone with her thoughts, mostly daydreams. Sighing, she watched New York fade into the distance as she dreamed of life with Rufus, life as Lily Rhodes-Humphrey, life with a beautiful baby girl named Samantha. She never could have guessed that a little more than nineteen years from this point, this same beautiful girl would be watching the same skies, about to turn her life upside down.
