Becoming Pappy
Part One: A Guiding Hand
His hands shook as he drew the razor along his jaw, the usually easy task a nerve wracking chore on this of all mornings. He dropped his hands while he took in a deep, steadying breath. The last thing he wanted was to show up at breakfast with a face full of nicks and cuts. If he did, he knew it would result in endless teasing from his younger brothers. Nick, the middle son, was always looking for an opening, some small imperfection from his older brother to pounce on. And Eugene, not quite old enough to shave but checking his chin daily for the possibility, idolized Nick and would follow his lead and give it to their older brother just as hard.
That might not be a bad thing, Jarrod Barkley thought with a small smile. The teasing and jokes would at least be a sign that things were finally returning to normal after a week of pure hell. The smile faded. Today wasn't the day Jarrod wanted that kind of normal, though.
He took another deep breath and resumed shaving, his hands a little steadier. The razor glided over his skin, over and over, the repetitive action going a long way to calming his nerves. It really had been a long and dreadful week. Seven days. Just seven days ago his father had been murdered by hired guns of the railroad. It had started a week of activity that wasn't much more than a blur now, but he was determined that today their lives would resume. Life would be different without their father, but as a family they would show not only the railroad, but the entire valley that they wouldn't be bullied, or run over, at the whim of the railroad. As a family, they would stand up, dust themselves off, and continue to move forward, doing what was right for themselves as well as the valley.
The last swipe of the blade caught skin and Jarrod jerked his hand away with a gasp. He looked at the small shaving mirror to see a thin trickle of blood mixed with soap starting down his neck.
"Damn," Jarrod mumbled as he splashed some water over his face to remove what was left of his shaving soap and the thin line of blood. He held a finger over the cut while he reached for a towel, his hand stopping in mid motion when he spotted the small leather shaving kit that had belonged to his father. His mother had given it to him two days ago, not speaking as she handed it to him, but giving his hand an encouraging squeeze.
The sight of the leather case sent his hands to shaking once again. Like a wave crashing on the shore, Jarrod's courage waned and his shoulders sagged. "I don't think I can do this, Father," he whispered to the empty room. "I'm not ready to step into your shoes yet."
A memory flashed into his mind's eye, of watching his father shave when Jarrod was a boy. He had sat on a little wooden step as he watched his larger than life father do the most basic of tasks, but being fascinated none-the-less. He remembered his father sending a wink his way as he scraped away the whiskers and it brought a surge of warmth. Just as quickly, another memory came to him and he straightened as he grabbed a towel to hold against the small cut. With his free hand, he reached for his father's shaving kit.
While it rarely happened, he did remember his father nicking himself a few times and almost without thinking, Jarrod mimicked his father's motion from so long ago and reached for a small round tin that was tucked in a corner of the kit. As he remembered his father doing, he dipped a finger into the white powder and placed it over the small cut, his grimace at the initial sting changing to a smile as the bleeding stopped. He had no idea what the powder was, but his father had always called it his secret recipe for covering a shaving mistake.
Taking another deep breath, Jarrod returned the tin to his father's shaving kit and placed it next to his own shaving gear with a small smile. He whispered his thanks to the father that no longer stood next to him in body, but who Jarrod knew would always be next to him in spirit, lending a hand of guidance. That knowledge gave him the courage he needed to move forward with his plans for the day.
Finally dressed and his nervousness calmed as much as could be expected, Jarrod made his way downstairs and into the dining room. As he had hoped, he was the first to arrive. The table, already set by Silas, held the familiar setup, with one obvious exception. The place setting at the head of the table that had been empty for the last week, now held a place setting. Jarrod stood looking down at the setting at a loss for words until Silas appeared with a porcelain pot of coffee in his hand.
The kind old servant didn't even bat an eyelash as he gestured toward the head of the table where Jarrod's father had always sat. "Coffee, Mr. Barkley?" he asked with a small twinkle in his eye.
Jarrod gave a nod as he dropped slowly into the chair but not missing the fact that he went from 'Mr. Jarrod' to 'Mr. Barkley'. How Silas had known that today would be the day Jarrod would take over as the head of the family he would never know, but he would be forever grateful for the reassuring smile Silas gave him as the older man poured his coffee.
The soft rustle of skirts alerted him to his mother's arrival. Jarrod looked up to find his mother stopped in the doorway. She met Jarrod's eyes and for a moment, their gaze locked. He thought he saw the corners of her lips turn up slightly as she gave him a small nod and took her place at the opposite end of the table. Silas quickly moved to pour a cup of coffee for her as well.
"Morning, Mother," Jarrod said, his voice squeaking slightly. He cleared his throat.
"Good morning, son," she said as she took her seat.
While her eyes still reflected a level of sadness in them, Jarrod thought perhaps he also saw a familiar light, too. It was the final piece he needed to know he was making the right choice and he felt his familiar confidence finally set in.
Eugene and Audra came down together. They stopped in the doorway and shared a glance, but said nothing about Jarrod's new seat as they approached the table. Eugene gave his mother a mumbled good morning and kiss on the cheek before settling into his seat. Within moments, Silas began bringing in breakfast and the delicious aroma hastened their hunger.
The soft jingle of spurs alerted Jarrod that the last member of the family was coming in for breakfast and he felt himself tense. Nick, who had worn spurs since he was six years old and Father had given him his first saddle, entered the room and paused only a moment when he saw Jarrod at the head of the table. He took his usual seat, now at his brother's right and looked over at Jarrod.
"Morning, Pappy," he said softly.
Jarrod stared at his brother, a lump forming in his throat. Pappy was a nickname Jarrod had picked up from Nick when they kids, but he hadn't heard it in…fifteen years, at least. The fact that Nick was using the name now gave Jarrod all the indication he needed that Nick was accepting Jarrod's new place as the head of the household. Grateful for the acceptance and vote of confidence, Jarrod gave his brother a ghost of a smile and nod.
"Morning, Nick," Jarrod finally responded, his deep baritone no longer reflecting any nervousness.
The conversation was sporadic as they ate, no one quite ready to express their thoughts. Jarrod waited, letting everyone finish the bulk of their meal before he finally spoke up.
"Well, Nick, if you can handle things around here, I have some work I need to do in town today."
Nick gave Jarrod a sideways look as he shrugged. "I can manage. Gene can help if something comes up."
"Gene is going back to school today."
"I'm not going back to school!" Eugene blurted out. "I can help Nick. I can-"
"You're going back to school," Jarrod said firmly. He didn't raise his voice, but he put all the authority behind it he could muster, the way he remembered their father doing it. "And so is Audra." Eugene looked like he was going to protest further but Jarrod held up a hand. "It's not up for discussion, Eugene. You're going to finish school first. If you want to stay on at the ranch after that, we can discuss it then."
Eugene shot a look at his mother, but when he saw he would receive no support there, he gave in and sullenly went back to his meal, his eyes shooting daggers at Jarrod.
Audra gave Jarrod a quick look, but offered no complaint, not that he expected one from her. She enjoyed school and had been helping the teacher, Miss Helming, with the younger kids. Jarrod was sure she would be glad to get back to a normal routine. When she gave Jarrod a nod of acceptance, he smiled at her.
Jarrod felt himself relax. It was his first real test of being the head of the household and he had passed. Eugene would be sore for a few days, no doubt, but eventually he would come around. The boy simply liked school too much to protest too loud or for too long about not going.
"Why don't you two get your things together while I hitch up the buggy? I can drop you off at the school on my way into town," Jarrod said when he saw that the two youngest Barkley's were finished eating.
Eugene jumped out of his seat like it was on fire and disappeared. Audra followed at a much slower pace. She stopped at the door and looked back at Jarrod, but no words came and she finally turned to go. When the younger siblings were gone, Nick gave a small snort of amusement before he went back to his meal. Jarrod looked at his mother, and she gave him an approving nod.
Jarrod wiped his mouth with his napkin and rose, giving Nick and pat on the shoulder before he turned to go. "Eugene and I can help out on Saturday if you need it, Nick."
Nick nodded his head. "Thanks, Jarrod, I'll let you know how it goes. The men are going to have to accept me as boss sooner or later. Today is as good a day to go solo as any."
"You know this ranch and what needs to be done better than any man on it, Nick. I have no doubt that the men will follow your lead without any problem."
Nick sighed as he contemplated his plate. "Mighty big shoes to fill," he said softly.
Jarrod stopped near the doorway and glanced at his mother as he said, "No one here doubts you can do it, Nick. It's your ranch now. You don't have to fill anyone's boots but your own. You can put your own stamp on what goes on around here."
"I hope the men have as much faith in me as you do."
Jarrod moved back toward his brother. "You're the boss now, Nick. The men trust you and will follow without question. Just do what you know to do," he said with another pat on Nick's shoulder. When he got a familiar grin and nod from his brother, he turned to go. As he disappeared down the hallway, he heard Nick say, "Pappy's been working on his pep talks."
He didn't hear his mother's response, but he had a smile on his face as he stopped in the study to get his leather case from the study. The smile faded when he saw his gun belt lying on the side table. He hesitated a moment before he grabbed it. He didn't usually wear it when he went to the office, but given the level of violence with the railroad lately, it was better to have it than not.
When he got to the barn to get the buggy ready he was surprised to see Eugene already there, readying the horses for harness. His youngest sibling gave him a scowl, but didn't speak. With a shrug, Jarrod helped him get the big animals harnessed, watching for signs that Eugene was ready to talk. It didn't take long for the young man to speak.
"I'm not a child anymore, Jarrod. You don't have to treat me like one. I can help Nick around the ranch."
"I never said you were a child, Gene."
"Maybe not in so many words, but you still did."
Jarrod grabbed Eugene's arm to halt him. "When did I say that?"
"By ordering me back to school. Like a child."
Jarrod hesitated. Perhaps he should have been a little gentler in that particular order. "Fair enough," Jarrod said. "I apologize, Gene, I had no intention of making you feel like a child."
Eugene looked at his older brother. "Then I can stay and help Nick?"
Jarrod shook his head. "No."
The scowl returned as Eugene kept working.
After several more minutes of icy glances, Jarrod asked, "Gene, let me ask you something."
Eugene didn't respond, so Jarrod once again grabbed his arm, but gently steered the boy to a bale of hay, sitting down next to him.
"Do you want to be a rancher, Eugene?"
Blue eyes so similar to his looked up at Jarrod in confusion. "What?"
"You heard me. Do you want to be a rancher?"
Eugene looked away. It was a moment before he answered. "Does it matter?"
"It does to me," Jarrod said. "And I believe it did to Father," he added cautiously.
That thought stopped Eugene in his tracks. He looked thoughtful for a moment before he said, "Nick can't run this whole spread alone, Jarrod. Someone needs to help him and you're too busy with your law practice to do it. That leaves it to me."
Jarrod suppressed a sigh. "Nick…Nick is stronger than you give him credit for being, Gene. He knows what he is doing. And he won't be alone. I'll help him when I can, so will you. Even Mother and Audra will be helping out, in their own way. And we have some of the best hands in the valley working here. Trust me, he won't be doing it alone."
Eugene scowled but didn't speak.
"I never said you couldn't help around the ranch, Gene. In fact, I will expect you to help whenever you are needed. But it will have to be outside of school hours."
"But Father-"
"Father is dead, Gene," Jarrod said as gently as he could. "It's up to all of us to carry on his legacy here, but that doesn't mean we have to give up our own dreams. He built all of this for us, Gene. And in building it, he gave us the opportunity to go after our own goals. And you know what? It's okay if being a rancher, doesn't fit into yours."
Jarrod saw his younger brother swallow hard. He put an arm around his sibling. "You know, I never saw Father quite as proud as I saw him when you told him you wanted to go into medicine. The thought of having a doctor in the house made him pretty happy. Especially as accident prone as Nick is."
Eugene couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out. But he quickly sobered and looked up at Jarrod. "Even happier than having a lawyer in the house?"
"Yes, I think so," Jarrod said sincerely.
Eugene hesitated before he gave Jarrod an earnest look. "What do you think Father would say if I told him I wanted to doctor animals, not humans?"
"He would say it's about time we got our own Veterinarian in the valley. And you know what else he would say?" He waited for Eugene's shrug before he went on. "He would say that you were going to be the best animal doctor around. No, actually, I think he would say you were going to be the best in California."
Eugene sat quietly for a moment before he gave Jarrod a nod. "Guess we better get those horses hitched up or we'll be late for school."
"Guess so," Jarrod said as he rose. They resumed harnessing the horses and Jarrod let Eugene pull the buggy up to the front door to pick up Audra. When he moved to hand Jarrod the reins, the older brother shook his head. "They're all yours, Gene. Maybe I'll even get a little extra sleep in while you drive."
Eugene sat up a bit straighter, the pride showing in his pleased smile. He wrapped the reins around the brake and hopped down from the buggy. "Thanks…Pappy," he said with a grin. He turned to hurry into the house, calling over his shoulder as he ran inside, "Be right back, I need to get my school books."
Jarrod watched as Eugene disappeared inside to gather his things. He was both pleased and a little chagrined that his brother had picked up on Nick's nickname for him. Before he could give it much thought, his mother stepped through the door after her youngest son had darted inside. She looked up at Jarrod. "It seems Eugene has had a change of heart about school."
Jarrod stepped down from the buggy. "Seems so," he replied. Victoria stepped up next to him and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
"Thank you, son. For doing what needed to be done since….well, this last week, but also for what you are doing today."
Jarrod held her gaze for several moments before asking softly, "Will you be alright here by yourself?"
"Oh, yes, I'll be fine. But I wouldn't mind coming into town to have lunch with my son."
"I would be honored, Lovely Lady" Jarrod said with a small bow.
"Have a good day, Jarrod," his mother said with a smile as she turned back to go inside. It was the first genuine smile he had seen from his mother in over a week. He felt his own smile tugging at his lips before he climbed back into the buggy, leaving the driver's seat for Eugene.
The ride into town went by in mostly silence. Eugene handled the team well, and Jarrod gave him an encouraging word or pat on the back as they went along. Audra sat in the back of the buggy, not speaking as she watched the scenery go by. When the schoolhouse finally came into view, she shifted uncomfortably, but said nothing when Jarrod turned back to look at her.
Eugene pulled the horses to a stop near the door, and gave Jarrod a smile as he jumped down. He grabbed his schoolbooks and hurried off, not giving his brother or sister a second glance. Jarrod shook his head as he made a mental note to remind his youngest brother about the manners of helping a lady out of a buggy. He turned around to address Audra when he was stopped by the tears falling silently down her cheeks.
"Audra?" he said softly. The distraught girl turned away and hid her face in her hands. As it always did when he saw her crying, Jarrod's heart melted. He shifted in the buggy until he was sitting next to her, pulling her into his arms. "Audra, what is it?"
"Everything looks the same. The road here was the same as it has always been, the schoolhouse is the same. Even the other kids look the same." She shook her head and looked at her older brother with sad eyes. "But it isn't the same. It's all changed now." Fresh tears ran down her cheeks. "It will never be the same again, will it?"
Jarrod reached up to wipe away the tears with his handkerchief. Sadly, he shook his head. "No, it won't be the same, Honey. I'm sorry. But I'll do my best to make things as easy as I can. I promise you that."
"Why, Jarrod? Why did he have to die?"
Jarrod didn't have an answer to that, so he just held her. Eventually, the tears dried up and she pulled away. She gave a small laugh, but Jarrod didn't hear any amusement in it at all.
"You know what I keep thinking, over and over?"
Jarrod shook his head. "No, what?"
A fresh set of tears fell from her eyes and Jarrod again used his handkerchief to wipe them away.
"Who's going to give me away when I get married?" She shook her head. "Is that terribly selfish of me, Jarrod?"
Jarrod gave her a small smile as he shook his head. "No, Honey, I don't think that's selfish at all." He wouldn't admit that it had actually been one of the many new responsibilities he had been weighing in the last week. "But I will tell you this." He used a finger to raise her chin so that her eyes looked into to his. "I was planning on arm wrestling Father for that honor, anyway."
Long, wet lashes blinked up at Jarrod. "Really?"
Nodding, Jarrod said, "Yes. Can you blame me? Who wouldn't fight for the right to escort the prettiest girl in the valley down the aisle?"
This time, when Audra smiled, Jarrod felt it was genuine. "But let's try to make sure that doesn't happen too soon, alright? I don't think I'll be ready to give you away anytime soon."
"Oh, I think a can wait a year or two. Maybe three."
"Or ten," he said with a teasing laugh. She returned his laugh and wiped the last of her tears away. He rolled his eyes when she blew into his nice silk kerchief.
"I'll wash it for you," she said softly as she folded it carefully and tucked it away. She leaned in to give Jarrod a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Pappy," she whispered not realizing she was echoing both of her brothers from earlier in the day. She rose and jumped from the buggy before Jarrod could give her a helping hand. He sighed as he made another mental note to remind her of the propriety of a lady jumping from a buggy. He gave a small head shake as he watched her hurry into the school.
Suddenly alone, Jarrod sat in the buggy for several minutes, contemplating the morning. He felt a moment of pride as he realized he had made it through the morning and his family had respected his decisions. Living up to his new nickname was not going to be easy, but he knew no matter what, family came first and he would do his best to earn the nickname, whether he liked the moniker or not.
With sigh, Jarrod once again sent thanks to his father for watching over him during this transition and clicked to the horses, intent on getting to his office and getting his own routine back to normal.
