Care Package

Sweet Britt-Britt,

The kids and I made you a care package today. It has homemade chocolate chip cookies, a Starbucks card, some Koosh pens, and a giant box of crayons. We hope you like it.

I had the package with me while I was out, so that I could send it as soon as possible. I checked the date, and your tour schedule, and how long it should take to get there so I could get it to your hotel ahead of you. I looked for a package place on my phone and there was one close to where I was, but it turned out to be in this ugly little shopping mall, tucked away in a corner, difficult to find, and staffed with, let's be real, idiots. So I sent it, but I have no idea if it will get to you.

The mall was one of those places that perpetually smells of popcorn and used clothing. So I hope the stank didn't stick to the package.

I know sometimes what you do for us seems invisible, but one thing I do see is that you are the center of gravity in this family.

You're the glue, you know, that holds us all together.

Without you, I'm doing everything I can to keep the rest of us from spinning out, but really the best I can do is to act as a container for the kids to react in. They ricochet around, battering me with their emotions and needs, and I just try to minimize mine. It's really all I can do.

I miss you, Brittany.

And yet I feel you always with me. It's when I look in the mirror and you're not by my side that I get confused. You're forever a part of me, even when you're missing. We've been through so much, for so long, it's almost as if I can feel what you'd feel if you were here.

I heard a story on the radio recently about treating phantom pain with mirrors. They place a mirror so that it looks like the remaining limb is the missing one, too, and it gives the mind the sense that the phantom is controllable. The mind, said the doctor, can't resist the illusion.

But I can't figure out how to place a mirror so that I can see you. I know this is different. I know that it's just a few more weeks. I know I just have to hold it together for awhile. And I will. But I just want you to know.

I want you to know from me, what I know you know. You know?

I love you like life.

I need you like water.

You are my rock.

Do well. Be good. Come home soon.

All my love,
Santana