This one is a little silly, and a little full of OCC. Still, it's kinda funny, and it's pretty damn big. Took me two hours, this!

Read and review, pigslaves!


"Naruto, please hold still for a minute." Hinata sighed as she straightened the tie of her date. Weeks of training together, eating together; even bathing together (And her ears still turned pink at the memory. He promised not to look during the mixed-bath sessions at the local onsen, but it was still... a little embarrassing.) had the village talking, rumours flinging themselves from mouth to mouth until they lighted on the ears of one Hyuuga Hiashi.

At the revelation that his daughter, who while not the woman he needed to uphold the fine honour of the clan (But still capable of bringing scandal upon the main house), was dating none other than the Demon vessel, it was quite akin to a hurricane in a teacup.

To say all hell broke loose is quite incorrect. Even the most disgusting of the netherworlds have standards; there wouldn't have been nearly as much carnage if Satan and all his little minions burned through the earth and began the Apocalypse then when the Hyuuga head snapped.

After picking through the wreckage of what used to be the main dojo, Neji enquired as to the possible solutions regarding the affairs of the heart his daughter was experiencing. They came up with three outcomes.

The first, predictably, was the gruesome demise of Naruto, which Neji admitted had a certain charm to it, but was ultimately ruled out on the basis that it would cause no end of Paperwork. That, and he had saved the village, something that a few of the more lax clans were accepting far too easily.

The second, which met with a cold glare from the Hyuuga Prodigy when voiced, was the emplacement of the Branch seal on Hinata's forehead. Hiashi contemplated it, but eventually gave up the idea declaiming that even if it was only a Branch member (Neji's fists clenched at the 'only') who had a liaison with the Demon Boy, it would still be an unforgivable stain on the Hyuuga name.

The third, voiced by Neji, was the inauguration of one Uzumaki Naruto into the finer art of etiquette and deportment. Hiashi gave him a rare display of emotion, a face set into the 'OMGWTFBBQ' series of lines that quite told of the elder's bewilderment. The talk continued into the night, ranging from the hows and whys to the whens, wheres and who's. As the dawn broke, with surveyors and a token architect measuring the perimeter of the new proposed dojo, Neji and Hiashi were still unrelenting in their debate.

Finally, due to an unspoken condition of Hiashi's involving nine of the morning and his intestinal tract, the plan was decided. Take the boy to a social, refined event, and observe his behaviour.

Art galleries weren't much to go for, as it bored the Hyuuga, not given to introspection, far too quickly for it to be much use. Besides, with the Byakugan at their beck and call, a whole gallery of works could be seen, summarized and noted within the space of a minute.

A formal ball might have been a token gesture of acceptance, and as such was immediately ruled out.

For some strange reason, both of them had decided on European Opera at the same time, rather than Kabuki theatre. Something about watching effeminate men in long hair wigs and white faces pretending to be females made the Hyuuga strangely uncomfortable. Something like Deja'vu.

(Wherever he was, Haku was sniggering to himself)

And that, Hinata thought to herself, was about half an hour before Naruto-kun found himself tressed up by his ankles to have Otou-sama yell at him until his throat grew hoarse, an hour before Neji explained what the entire deal was actually about, two hours before Neji and Lee strung him along to go shopping for tuxedos...

She huffed, giving his tie one last tug before standing back to observe her handiwork.

And three days before anybody told me what was going on!

"Hina-chan?" Her Maybeishe? Boyfriend spoke up, breaking her out of thought. She looked up and cocked her head at him, trying to copy his movements and throw him off guard. It was a good way to tell whether the next question was a serious one, as he'd often ask if something was wrong with her neck if it wasn't.

He didn't.

"Naruto?" She asked with a hint of curiosity, droping the familiar suffix and going just for name. Hopefully, having somebody speak to him naturally would draw his out of his mask.

"Do I... really have to...?" He motioned at the suit that he was currently engarbed within, a simple but formal set of black trousers, white long-sleeved shirt and a dinner jacket with the Konoha spiral inlaid in gold leaf on the chest. Naruto had wanted orange (Surprise surprise), while Lee argued for a indefinitely more masculine (Read: Revolting) red-and-green affair that would have turned more stomachs than heads.

Neji, however, had put his foot down (On Lee's foot, to be precise) and opted for the, as he put it, 'Less retarded outfits, please'.

Hinata, on the other hand, was wearing a simple strapless black dress that showed only a little cleavage, but tight enough to show off her hips to the world. The silk and stain flowed gently around her ankles as she walked slowly towards her date.

"Naruto-kun, I know this will be hard, but..." Hinata sighed, before drawing close to the boy and resting her arms over his shoulders. "... Please do this for me, Father is serious about considering you as a possible heir." She buried her head in the hollow between his chin and chest.

"Really? He can see how awesome I am, huh?"

"Actually, it's more like he doesn't think he can marry me off." Hinata smiled, relieved that that particular piece of opinion, at least, had saved her from an early arrangement.

"Wow... your dad's a real dick, you know." He wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling the top of her forehead and kissing it lightly. "How'd you get to be so nice when every other Hyuuga is a jerk?"

Hinata simply snuggled closer. "Don't be like that, Naruto-kun. Hanabi isn't so bad, and Neji's a lot better with his... what's the word?"

"Stick-up-the-ass-itis?" Naruto ventured, grinning when the expected poke in the ribs came up. Hinata looked up at him, pretending to frown.

"Be nice, Naruto." She pouted, slipping her hands up to the back of his head, digging into his scruffy blond hair. "You look very dashing, but that won't excuse you from badmouthing my family tonight." She pulled him a little closer to her, her lips opening slightly in anticipation as his lips closed the distance to hers.

"So no excuses, Naruto-kun. No regrets, no second chances; be the man I admire tonight, the man I need tonight..." She huffed a small breath, heated and potent as their lips grazed each other, tentative and teasing. Suddenly the air seemed to be very, very hot, and her nearly-modest dress seemed to be very confining, almost begging her to slip it off...

Somebody coughed from the doorway. "Hinata-sama."

"Never fails." She heard Naruto mumble under his breath as he broke away from the intimacy the two were starting to enjoy. Her own sheen of disappointment ran to spill in a light blush over her face as she turned to look at her cousin, dressed in a classic tux, his ponytail altered so that a portion of his long fringe angled from his parting line to cover his seal before joining the rest. Tenten could be seen silently cheering them behind him in a red dress that revealed a lot of strong, smooth thigh to the world, giving them both the thumbs up before tugging on her teammate's ear.

"Ow. Hinata, five minutes before we leave."

Naruto grumbled as he checked his reflection in the mirror one last time, before holding his arm out to Hinata who, blushing a little further, wrapped her own around it.

"Well, Hina-hime, the show must go on..." He winked. Hinata suddenly felt very, very worried.

--

Both the young shinobi were quite surprised to see a number of the Rookie nine present at the reception, not counting Neji and Tenten. Kiba, Hana and Tsume were seen frequenting the buffet in rather rumbled suits alongside Akimichi Chouza, Chouji conspicuous only in his absence. Shino was, unbelievably, talking to a trio of younger women with his glasses off, though neither could see his eyes at the angle he was facing.

"Do you think he made his bugs dress up as well?" Naruto wondered, earning a giggle from his partner. "I mean, parasitic insects in suits... they'd put accountants out of business in a heartbeat, right?"

"Naruto, how do you do?" Somebody spoke up from behind him. He heard Hinata gasp as he turned, his reply already on his lips.

"I'm fine, thank-... Lee?"

Indeed, Konoha's green beast was no longer... green. Gone was the spandex, the leg warmers, and even the bowlcut. Only a white shirt and cream-pressed pants hung on the boy, his once-attrocious hair gelled until it swept back in a series of spikes. Not exactly formal, but better than could be expected.

"Yes, Naruto-kun. I came to broaden my mind at Gai-sensei's request." Lee sighed wistfully, "And perhaps to make a better impression on the lovely Sakura-chaaaaaaan..." His final note dragged on a little, prompting a few patrons nearby to stare at him strangely.

"I'm sure you will, Lee-san. You look very..." Hinata looked him up and down, and finally settled on the only neutral word she could think of. "... Youthful."

"Thank you. Have you seen the beautiful blossom anywhere, by chance?" Lee smiled hopefully, the smile droping a little when both replied in the negative. "I shall continue to mingle, then. Until the interval. Naruto-kun, Hinata-san."

And with that, he walked away, leaving behind a stunned Fox and Princess in his wake.

"I gotta admit, I kinda wish I had his fancy talk right about now."

Kiba, wobbling slightly from the buffet (The half-full champange glass in his hand told the story) towards the duo, tried not to trip over anyone. "I swear, the forever-sexy Kibamobile is gonna go for a solo drive after this if I can't figure out the posh lingo."

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata admonished, "You're drunk!"

"No I'm not, I haven't started dancing on tables yet. I haven't even given a striptease!" He countered, "I'm only mellow, so don't rock me, cutie." He leered, looking rather similar in expression to a certain Pervy sage.

"I think you need a good long drink of water, Kiba." Naruto growled, moving in front of Hinata as Kiba looked her over. "So go jump in a lake."

"Piss off." Kiba slurred, glaring at his teammate's date.

"Kiba, everyone's going in. Come on!" Tsume's harsh voice was heard over the crowd, which was starting to move towards the audience hall.

"You got lucky, Uzumaki." Kiba slumped his shoulders, cast one last longing look at Hinata, and slouched forward to find his seat.

"Don't worry, he's just being protective." Hinata said with false cheer, lying through her teeth.

"It's time to go, Naruto-kun. Come along."

--

"I don't get it."

Hinata sighed as Naruto whispered his confusion. "It's quite easy, the Baron von Richtoven has captured the Count de Duress' youngest daughter, Chastitia, who ventures out at the dead of night, disguised as the captain of the watch's fictional son, Antonio. Meanwhile..."

Naruto grimaced as Hinata began relaying the plot to him, instead devoting his thoughts to observing his friends and possible enemies.

Hiashi and Hanabi were seated behind them, eyes not on the theatre but on the young couple they intended to monitor. Naruto wished he could flip them the bird in the privacy of his own mind, but he was leaving his visualization processes open for something else.

Kiba and Shino were seated together with the others in the stalls (Shino having replaced his glasses with a pair of tiny binoculars) and holding a heated conversation with a pair of newly minted Chunin up the front, although the bug user didn't look like he was contributing much. Hana and Chouza were likewise engaged in quiet conversation (Seeing as Hana was a Vegetarian, and Chouza was an avid meat-eater, this was only to be expected sooner or later), leaving Tsume nodding off to sleep in the next aisle.

Lee was obviously not interested in the theatre, scanning the crowd furiously for any sign of pink hair. Neji was keeping his eyes pinned on the stage, while Tenten was seated beside him with her head resting on her fist, clearly bored.

It's time. Sorry, Hina-chan, but I can't pass this up!

Naruto Uzumaki grinned, kissed his date on the lips, leaving her opening her mouth and closing it repeatedly as her train of thought crashed. A feel of movement behind them told that Hiashi had noted the little act and was not amused.

Lets see how much he likes this one, then!

All of the actors on the stage stopped in their recital as a loud voice cut through the walls of the hall.

"I don't know about you guys, but I think this little show could use some spice!"

"Wha-? Who'dat?" Tsume could be heard jerking out of her slumber.

Hinata stiffened, that booming voice sounded just like...

Where had Naruto gone? Oh no! No! No! No! Naruto-kun, He's LOOSE!!

As she realised that her man was no longer in his chair, the actors and the musicians in the pit all burst out of reality in a puff of smoke, leaving behind a throng of grinning Narutos and a stereo cranking out the musical score.

The attention was on the stage, now, as a lone Shadow clone dressed in robes made his way to the centre stage, intoning his part.

"Friends, Shinobi, countrymen, listen well to the tale well played by none other than your faithful acting troupe, this tragedy of tragedies, this comedy to end all comedies, complete with cruel fates, banana pies, shirtless men for the ladies..."

Tenten suddenly seemed to be paying close attention, trying to imagine if Naruto would henge into Neji and make him strip. It would be the ultimate blackmail!

Plus, the idea of seeing Neji shirtless did have a definite appeal...

"... Topless ladies for the men..." One of the Oiroke'd Narutos stood up, clad in an open-top Geisha gown, winking at the audience.

Hinata turned beet red, Hiashi almost racked a line through the wood of his chair with his fingernails, and Kiba's cheering sounded through the hall.

"Whoooo! That's what I came here to see!"

"You came to the opera to view naked women? They didn't mention that in the program." Shino's stoic voice could be made out, drawing a round of laughter from the crowd.

"... And plenty of luuuuurve." The speaker stuck out his tongue at Hinata's position, where she gave a nervous wave back.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... Huh? What's that? Wrong line?" One of the 'prompts' hissed at him from the wings, making him pause.

"Sorry... A long time ago, in a village not too far from here, lived a young, handsome, astonishingly incredible man, who shall remain nameless. Now, he had heard of the great lands of the Pastafarians, who grew all the wheat in the land to make delicious noodles, and desired to go and try the wonderful dishes they created..."

"How'd we guess that Noodles would be in the picture?" Neji sighed.

"... Shut up, you. Anyway, as he came of age, there grew rumours of a giant monster that rampaged over the countryside, crushing the city of Vermicelli, the town of Spaghetti, the Macaroni pronvinces lay in waste! The only land still left intact was the mighty, the prosperous...!"

"Here it comes..." Neji sighed again.

"... RAMENOPOLIS!!"

"... There we go."

"Neji, can it! So, the young boy swore to protect the precious city against the oncoming doom of the monster at the cost of his own life, and fashioned a sword out of Cardboard and duct-tape!"

The aforesaid sword was thrust into the air, indeed made out of Cardboard and duct-tape. Kiba snorted, Hana laughed, and Lee made a single proclamation of 'Such a craft of love! Such a weapon!'

The scene-board behind the Shadow-clone rose up into the vault above the stage, and another one (Depicting a poorly drawn city) clunked noisily in its place, accompanied by a shrill hiss of 'Sorry, the pulley snapped!'

"He reached the city, and all was well, though fear hung in the air, and just as he was about to try the special dish at a harbour stall, who else would arrive, but..."

Kichiyose no jutsu!

A massive puff of smoke, and the Frog boss Gamabunta squatted on the left side of the stage, his body covered with suds and wielding a loofah instead of a sword. He turned to give the centre-stage Naruto a tired look.

"I thought you said next Tuesday, brat?"

"'Bunta, just say the line, like we rehearsed!"

Gamabunta took a long, pained look at the audience, and grumbling about idiot foxes and damning humanity in general, spoke the one of the few lines he had in the improvised opera.

"Ribbit-ribbit-godIhateyousomuchrightnow-ribbit."

"EGADS!! The death call! The croak of utmost evil! Who could save us from the evil toad king? Who, but the mighty Pork'n'beanie!" One shadow-clone cried to the crowd, ignoring the sight of Tenten trembling with the effort to not break into fits of laughter. Kiba snorted before turning to Shino, informing his teammate of the intended toilet-humour in the name. A few chuckles at the absurdity came from the audience.

"PORK'N'BEANIE?!"

Hyuuga Hiashi stood tall as the last of his patience spent itself, face crimson with fury, pointing a shaking finger at the stage.

"Uzumaki Naruto! Cease this absolutely shameful display THIS INSTANT!!" He roared, his voice carrying through the hall, into the wings, touching the rock itself with his boundless rage.

"Hark! Our troubles manifest twice! The familiar, the white demon doth approach!" Another Clone dressed ridiculously in knickerbockers and lederhousen cried in despair.

"DEMON?! Who... are... you... to call me..." The Head's temple throbbed with tension, veins sticking out like hills over the plains of his brow. Hinata squeaked a bit at the coming bloodshed that was sure to follow, not noticing how the air behind her had rippled at the intrusion of a solid body.

"He comes to mark the fair maiden of Ramenopolis, the lovely Kuchikuchiku, as the sacrifice in return for the safety of our fair city!" Another Shadow-clone had Shushin'd behind Hinata and gave her a quick tickle, disappearing in a puff of mist as Haishi landed a solid blow on the back of its head.

"Why! This atrocity must be stopped!" Another Naruto stepped out of the wings, clad in armour, using a colander as a helmet and a straw dummy as a sword.

"Hail! It is the mighty Pork'n'beanie!" The 'Townsfolk' cried, drawing a collective laugh from the crowd, "We are forever saved!"

"Indeed! Now, first I'll deal with this monster..." He thrust his sword at Gamabunta, who yawned, "... And then my reward, all the pork and beans I could ever eat!"

"We don't have any pork or beans, here." Another Naruto informed him.

"What? No Pork or beans!? Screw the lot of you, I'm gone!"

With a puff of smoke, the hero disappeared.

"At this point, the townsfolk despaired, for the act had angered the monster!" The centre-stage Naruto intoned, "He began to destroy the city!"

"Grrr. Gama Smash." The toad boss muttered to the amusement of the crowd.

"Bunta, you're supposed to move!"

"I'm squashed like a tadpole in his egg, you idiot! I can't move for jack!" The toad growled.

"Right! And then, who should come out but the mighty 'Nameless-dude-who-is-awesome-and-rocks-forever'!"

A fair ammount of the audience actually applauded when Naruto stepped out, dressed in his suit and beaming to the throng as he flourished his cardboard sword. Hanabi managed to pull her father down into his seat, muttering about Murder and Witnesses.

"Yeah! Sweet! Oi, I'm gonna make you guys a deal, I get rid of the Toad, I get the smoking hot princess in return, deal?"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Hinata rose to her feet, grinning under the influence of adrenaline-fueled terror.

"Sure, and...?" Naruto and the audience waited, Haishi's eyes neared bulged out of his head.

"... Uh... O-okay. You get me." She muttered, and sat back down. There were quite a few wolf whistles from the crowd.

'Which half?'

'Where can he get you?'

'Can I watch?'

Naruto glared at the catcallers, and returned to the act.

"Right! Anyway! Monster!"

Naruto turned towards Gamabunta, a heroic (Read: Constipated) look on his face.

"Whyfore thoust henceforward thingy blowing up the towns...est?" He asked without smiling, although a few of the people in the Stands were amused by his lack of wording.

"I was hungry." The Boss tried to shrug, but the confines made it impossible. He settled for blinking.

"Ah, but Toads don't eat noodles."

"Oh yeah. Whoops. Guess I killed hundreds of people by mistake."

"Right, now, seeing as you have turned over a new leaf..."

"No I haven't."

"...ShutupshutupI guess I can let you go free." Naruto waved his sword again for good measure.

"Sounds like a plan."

"However, You're obviously too hideous to let loose unto the world-"

Gamabunta narrowed his eyes. "Watch it, pipsqueak."

"-I'm going to have to kill you until you die."

"Gee whiz, couldn't you just kill me until I had a boo-boo?" Gamabunta taunted sarcastically.

"Nope, has to be dead."

Saying that, Naruto flung the sword square at the Toad-summon's chest. But instead on imbedding itself in his armpit like they'd agreed, it bounced off the Bosses stomach. He blinked, and turned to give the audience one last sour look.

"Bugger. I'm dead."

With a massive puff of smoke and a mutter of 'You owe me BIG, brat.', the summon vanished, probably back to his bath.

"Yes! He is dead! One princess to go, please!"

Five Shadow clones burst into view, grabbed Hinata and lifted her out of her seat, gently manhandling her to the centre-stage, where Naruto slipped a hand around her waist and gave the thumbs up to the people in the theatre.

"The end! Don't drink and Drive!"

With a series of hand-seals, he, Hinata, and all the other clones vanished into thin air.

--

"Wait, is the show over?" Kiba spoke to the people beside him, who shrugged. "Sweet! Time for booze!"

Shino shook his head, wondering what possessed his teammate to go insane... And he wasn't thinking about Kiba.

Neji and Tenten had found... other ways to pass the time, groping each other and sucking face on the floor between the aisles. It turns out that random, senseless opera was Neji's big kink.

No, the Author doesn't know how that came to be, either.

Lee, surmising that Sakura wasn't coming, went out to buy some Tacos.

Hana and Tsume left to find a few tipsy men that they'd met during the reception.

Chouza was busy explaining that the chair beneath him had collapsed due to metal strain, not overloading, to the insurance man beside him.

Hiashi's brain had fried with the insanity, and he was lying comatose on his seat.

Hanabi stole his wallet. What she spent the money on is anyones guess, though the 'Stripperman' underwear found in her room two days later caused a lot of disturbed comments to come to light.

The madness, it seemed, was spreading.

--

"So, Hina-chan, what did you think?"

"My father is going to kill you." She sighed, kissing his cheek as he dropped her off at the Hyuuga estate.

"Yeah, well... You had fun, right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think I got my point across?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Oh, and Hinata?"

"Yeah?"

He smirked. That wasn't a good sign.

"You know, I think I might have to lie low for a while, wanna come with?"

"Naruto-kun..." She sighed, flicking his forehead, "I think I have to run damage control over here, so I can't go."

"That's cool. But when I come back..." He moved forward a little, backing her against the stone wall. She could feel the warmth streaming off him in great, pulsing waves. His lips brushed against hers, but this time there were no interruptions as he nibbled lightly on her bottom lip, pulling her closer with his left hand, his right resting on her hips.

It started off simply, lips flowing slowly together like ripples, faces moving to get the best fit, moisture pooling lightly as the kiss began to deepen, until they found themselves fighting for dominance in a battle of tongues. Feinting, parrying, riposte after riposte, soft moaning and the roaming of hands.

His unbidden thigh softly pressed into the hollow between hers, and she gasped. Disengaging from the liplock, Hinata trembled a little and griped his shoulders.

"N-Naruto-kun... please... I don't... I'm still... Scared." She shuddered again, sliding her hand through his hair as he blinked in confusion.

"Scared?"

"Naruto, please... I... you... I don't know. It's not that it's fast, but..."

She tried to get her thoughts in order, trying not to be distracted by the feel of his hands lightly skimming over her breasts, or the tingling when her body reacted to his subtle impression on he groin. She tried to find the words, but none came out.

"... I'm... just not used to this, I don't think. Can... can we not try that... what you just did... for a while?" She didn't know what she was saying, she didn't know what she was thinking. It still didn't sound right.

"Oh. Sorry." He looked a little frightened himself.

"I'm not mad... But... I think it'd be nice if you spent a little more time kissing me..." She giggled a little, "You taste nice, I'd like to get used to that, first."

"Heh heh... well..." He leaned in, "How about some afterta-..."

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!!"

"Ah, Hell!"

As Hiashi followed the boy over the fence, Hinata sighed again and strolled into the estate, wondering how crazy life was.

And how much in love she was with life, crazy or not.

So it made sense, she thought as she watched the suit-clad ninja leaping from roof to roof and away from her raging father, that the theatre and he went so well together.

They were both reflections of life.


Phew! That was a big one! I'm off to sleep!

You know the drill. Review and I type faster. Send situations and pairings!