Part one.
'Lost but never forgotten'.
I held her hand tightly, as I watched her face turn. The colour and blood in her face looked like it had been drained out of her. The machines beeping and setting off alarms as she shut her eyes, "Take Care my angel" She whispered as I sat on the chair beside her.
My feet barely touching the ground, "Sleep tight mama, I love you" I said to her, tears dripping down my bony white cheeks. "Love you too" She replied weakly as she turned her head away from me and shut her eyes for the last time. I watched the machine monitoring her heart go from the sharp strikes up to a plain blue line, "I'll make you proud" I whispered, letting out a loud sob. "I will" I said. The doctors and nurses came flooding in, Pushing my chair out of the way as I tried to get a glimpse at my mam.
Her body was white, pale and lifeless. Yes. She was dead.
That was me, My feet barely touching the floor. I was 5years old when my mother died, Leaving me with my cousin, My best friend. But there was always only one person that would understand my horrendous mood swings and my constant pleading for things. But that day the only thing I pleaded for was her life back, My strange mood swings stopped and I stopped speaking for 3years. The only person I spoke to was God and that was praying for my mummy to be okay in heaven and to be safe.
I had long brown straight hair that reached my bum and wore a small pink frilly dress, I still have that dress and the locket she held in her hand as she died, Her rings and jewellery were in a small pink box under the bed.
My mum died from a brain tumour. It attacked her brain slowly and easily. Leaving her deflensless and hopeless to fight it. What she needed was a miracle, And I will be that miracle. I will find a way to get rid of brain tumours, No matter how big they were or how bad, I'll find it.
3years ago, when I was 2 she left me with my dad for a weekend, she never told me until the day she was dying why she did. She had to have a scan done on her brain; it showed up that she did have a brain tumour. My life fell from my hands that day, I watched her growing weaker, Not understanding why or how. I thought it was something else, Something hopeful. She wasn't getting fatter but she was getting skinner. As the tumour hit her brain cells she was hardly able to speak, To move to concentrate. One day I came back from my dad's house and she was sitting up, Looking healthy and better, "Hello mama" I said quietly, "Hello" She replied. Standing up and walking towards me, "Do you want something to eat?" She asked , "yes please" I replied nodding my head eagerly. She walked out into the kitchen, I waited patiently on the chair in the living area, I heard a smash followed by a loud bang, "Mama, Are you okay?" I shouted, I got no reply, I stood up and walked out to the kitchen, There was a glass jar of chocolate spread spilled on the floor and her head was cut open, "Mama" I shouted ,screaming.
That was when she was put into hospital, But little did I know she only had 8weeks to live.
I had seen my dad every weekend when she went to the hospital. Until the incident happened I was put into permanent care with my dad as she stayed in hospital, hooked up to life monitors and drips.
My dad ran off, Leaving me alone with my mam for 3weeks during them 3 weeks were the time she died, I stayed by her bed side to comfort her.
"Don't be afraid of death mama" I whispered to her, As she was shutting her eyes, "Let death be afraid of me" She said, slowly. Her arms were bruised as I held them, She loosened her grip every few moments. I knew it was hard for her, Dying was a scary thing, a scary place. I never wanted to die, I wanted to live forever.
Her head was wrapped in bandages and covered with a big screen thing, Hanging over it, I've always wondered what it was. But I never found out.
*11 Years Later*
As I wiped away the single tear that had formed around my eyes, my aunt looked at me, "It's you mam's anniversary tomorrow, Do you want to do anything?" She asked looking at me. "Yes" I replied quietly, "Her Grave" I said slowly, I felt my eyes welling up and my nose starting to sting, I stood up and walked over to my aunt. Hugging her tightly, "It's okay" She said, he voice comforting me. "You'll be fine" She whispered. "I need her" I said into my aunt's chest, "You need a loving family" She said slowly. I pulled away from the hug, wiping my tears and rushing up the stairs, I bent down on my hands and knees looking under my dark purple bed, Pulled out a box that said, 'Precious. Mama's things' writing in huge writing. I loved when my cousin was away, she was a bit of a bitch since we started secondary school, She was becoming a slight Slut. But that was always Jayme's attitude towards things.
I carried the box carefully downstairs, Hoping I didn't move anything or break it whilst doing so. I sat down on the green suede couch in the kitchen and opened it carefully, "Look" I said, smiling. I felt a turn in my tummy as I looked at the boxes, Tears still dripping down my eyes, I took out her diamond necklace, "She got this from you, for her 30th birthday" I whispered, looking at it, "So she did" She replied, amazed that I thought about keeping these things. My mum died when she was 32, She was too young to go.
I looked through the box, and pulled out a small box, "Oh my god" I said slowly, Letting out a loud sob, It was the necklace she gave to me the day she died, I took it out, opening the small heart locket and looked at the picture of her and me in it. We were so happy. "We were so happy" I said, repeating what I had just thought. "You were" She said slowly. "Here" She said taking the necklace off me and wrapping it around my neck, "She will always be close to your heart now" Said Nicky, she was my aunt, She was 3 years younger than my mum, Who was 29 when she died, She had Jayme when I was 1, "Your 46 this year" I said slowly to her, "Eleven years already" She whispered, "and no I'm not," She said looking offended, "I'm 45" She said smiling at me. "Sorry" I mumbled to her, chuckling lightly. I looked through the box again, "Wow" Said Nicky as she took out a crumpled up piece of paper, "She" I started, wiping away another rush of tears, "Sent it to me" I said slowly, "When I was angry at her, apologizing for whatever she did" I said quickly, opening up the piece of paper and reading it,
'Dear Claire.
I'm sorry for what I did, Not letting you out was a mistake,
I won't do it again.
Love Mammy'
I put the note back into the box and wiped away the last of my tears.
"I'm going to bed" I said slowly, getting up and walking slowly and walking up the stairs, Putting the box under my bed, I pulled off my clothes and slipped on a pair of football shorts and a t-shirt. I picked up a small diary on my nightstand and looked over my 'Things to do during my life' section.
I read through the numbered notes.
an A in my junior cert, I had a small tick beside it and 4 written in. I got 4A's in my Junior Cert
Ladies football Dublin Team, I had a small tick beside It and 2/4 which was,2teams 4Years.
mama proud, There was no tick beside it but instead a ½ sign. I knew she wanted me to play for Dublin. I've talked about it since I started playing Football
Cert-Atleast 3A's, This also wasn't ticked. I hadn't done my leaving Cert yet, I have it in 2years.
good Job like mama, That neither wasn't ticked.
Nobody understands how hard it is loosing a parent.
I shut the small book and placed it back onto my nightstand, I heard a loud bang on the door that made me jump, I could hear multiple boys voices and then loud bangs, They were coming up stairs with Jayme. I got up and shut my door, knowing what she would be doing.
I hung my head over the edge of the bedside and took out the box again, I had a small light on and I looked inside it.
I read over the note, tears slowly dripping down my cheek and across my nose,
February was the hardest month of my life. Having my birthday 2 days after my mums anniversary didn't make it easier.
My mum died on the 4th of February 1999. At 3:33pm. I was born on the 6th of February 1994 at 3:33am.
