I'm nothing special, as most of my lovers like to point out right off the bat (Dean started that trend and I can't get it to stop), just a girl and nothing more then that.

A girl that likes knifes, the sharper the better, (each teacher of mine can confirm that) and guns that shoot those son of a bitches dead, but most of all instead of forcing on the things girls my age should be.

Rather then wearing make up and chasing boys I'm focused on the need to kill the thing that took my father away those years ago.

(when I get my revenge, both bloody and unavoidable, it's head will be on a stick for all to see)

But for half a year I lost sight of everything when he came busting into my life (the big damn hero) and swept me off of my feet only to drop me a few months later, and it was a long fall.

(that fall broke the one thing in my body that was fresh and new, my heart)

-

Before I got that call, the one that would shock me back into the real world and take me away from the one I've know for a year (full of killing sons of bitches and tending bar, oh and hiding from Sam).

I knew something was wrong and not just the 'monster is coming' kind of wrong but the 'Dean's dead and buried'.

Moments after feeling this strange shiver, that over took both my body and mind (worse then my hate for both of Winchester boys), Ellen was telling me news that shocked me almost as much as the first time I found out my father was dead and it was anything but a good shock.

('blame it all on John Winchester, Jo, and don't you forget that')

"Dean's dead, Jo, he died last night."

-

With just one word everything froze up, my heart (the one, now deceased, once crushed in his palm) felted like it would stop beating at any moment and the old and tattered thing would finally fall to pieces, and I did the very thing I said I would never do, I cried because of Dean Winchester.

(but not because he had broken my heart all over again, this time it was so much different all I could do was cry and cry some more)

"Dean, you son of a bitch, how could you do this to me?"

To answer that, just like last time with a false promise to love me (and then I'm just like all the others) and to take a moment and call me rather then forget which by then he had already done.

But now he couldn't do either of those things, because he no longer had that change.

-

"Go away, Sam, get the hell away from me right now."

My finger tips yearned to pull out the tip of the knife tucked nice and smug in my boot (and trust me it's not the only one), just in case this little rare interaction turned into the same thing as last time, which brought up nothing but hate.

(which was boiling red because he had gotten in a lot of hits the last time I saw him, instead of doing it internally like Dean he got me on the outside, and I hadn't had my turn yet)

"But Jo please-"

Damn those puppy dog eyes, that have to be the undoing of all girls world wide and even demons can't handle it, all they do is remind me that everything (every hit and every wicked smile) hadn't been his fault at all.

But I needed someone to blame, someone to hate rather then hating the ones that already dead and gone.

"Fine, what the hell do you want? And make it fast I don't have all day."

"I'm burying Dean today and I want you to be there."

And with that those damn puppy-dog eyes looked right into me and all that I had left to do was say yes.

(if he had asked at the moment I would have followed him to hell and join Dean)

"Lead the way, little brother."

-

I should have asked why his bones weren't burning (joining his father in ash) but at that time all I could see was the cold and dead face of a man I had once loved body and soul.

But of course he won't get the chance to know that and how my heart is still raw from our last encounter.

It was just the three of us, Sam (the one who Dean truly loved above all others), Bobby, and me, which thing do you think doesn't belong in this picture?

If you guess me then you're right on target.

"Why me, out of all Dean's numerous girls, why did you choose me?"

This wasn't the time and place, when my feet were near the fresh soil that held him (him who I can't think of without my heart smashing to pieces) and our eyes locked on the cross that should say 'great son, brother, man, and hunter' but instead is empty.

"Because he loved you, he wouldn't say it, not to himself, not to me, and most of all not to you. But I know him and he loved you more then all of the rest. And I feel the exact same way, Jo."

The sad thing about all of this, besides being told 'I love you' by your once-upon-a-time attacker, is that love never came into my mind and if he had not said those words I believe it never would have.

(because love + Dean Winchester is full of false hope and impossible)

"I loved him, even if I knew that it would never go anywhere I still loved him more then I should."

Instead of pushing away the tears that had wanted to come since 'Dean's dead' and never stop, flowed freely, so much that I feared they would never stop.

"I l-loved him so goddamn much!"

And before I could push him away (whip out the knife that he had used on me) he pulled me into the hug I had needed since the first man I loved turned to ashes (the way a daughter loves a father) and instead of pulling away I let him hold me.

And the whole time his arms were holding on to me I was turning that friendly (and still somewhat terrifying) face into Dean's and holding him even tighter.

(not wanting to let go of a dream that I've had over and over again but now know won't ever come true)

-