(**A/N: I don't own Twilight. AND I just googled "Twilight characters" in order to get the character's names. That's why Esme is a little out of place.. xD)

Book 1: Twilight

As dawn broke (whoa, already?) on the small town of Princeton-Hellen Quincy, or PHQ (say that out loud, BTW) for short, Bella awoke from her perfect, dreamless sleep. As she rolled out of her king-sized bed and onto her newly carpeted bedroom, she immediately ran across her rather large room straight to the full-length mirror.

"lolololz. good morning, beautiful. U b tres radiant!" Bella told herself, fluffing her astonishingly long hair, which happened to be filled with breakage and split ends.

Bella then bounced all the way down her three flights of stairs since her house was just that huge.

"GOOD MORNING BELLA. WOW YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD TODAY. DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR? WHOOPS, IS THAT THE TIME? I MUST BE GOING SO I'LL SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL," Bella's mom, AnnaMarie-Claire Elizabeth Courtney Swan the II said.

"lololz omg mom okayyy~! & I know I look good. Ahahahah it's just in my jeans. I mean genes… like whatevv." Bella answered and began making toast.

As many people may have guessed already, Bella is Miss Rich and Fabulous. Although she may be dumb, she seems to get everything she wants, whenever she wants. People like her piss me off, you know?

So you're probably wondering just who exactly I am. Well, I'll tell you. My name is Esme Cullen. I've been stalking Bella for quite some time now… I've heard she's taking an interest in my relative Edward. No one touches him inappropriately without me knowing… or joining in.;D So anyway, back to the story.

"OMGZZ! STUPID TOASTER! WHY WON'T YOU TURN ON!?. Ugh whatevs I'm trying to lose weight N.E. way. I'll just starve myself I guess tehehehhahaha" Bella then pranced off to school. She literally leaped the whole way there.

AT SCHOOL:

"LOLOL omg hi Eddy!" Bella squealed as she saw Edward… not even acknowledging there was someone else talking with him.

"Um, excuse me, bitch. I believe I'm also standing right here. The least you could do is recognize my existence!" Alice said glaring at Bella over her emo glasses.

"ahahah o okay hi. SO EDWARD, when are we getting married!?!?" Bella asked, overly excited to see Edward and under-ly excited to see Alice.

"I have to go to class now," Edward said, leaving the awkward conversation as quickly as possible.

"lol, that was weird lyk seriously. So what's ^ with you A-LICE?"

"I hate you," Alice replied and went off to class, which happened to be computers with yours truly.

Unfortunately, my stalking skills can only be put into effect after school. During school I'm forced to take retarded classes such as computers. Seriously. Waste of my life.

COMPUTER CLASS with Alice & Esme

"Esme, I'm so glad you're here. I need to vent. So I ran into Bella this morning and she was all over Edward. I mean, that's kind of gross considering I'm standing right there and like, I'm his relative so have some respect, you know? And the worst thing is she didn't even notice I was there! One track mind, much? Jeez, some people can just be so oblivious and disrespectful! Okay I'm finished," Alice finished.

"WHAT THE FUCK. MACY GRAY GET OFF MY RADIO STATION!" I screamed. I hate computers so much you don't even understand. I'm trying to at least listen to some decent music to drown out Negative Nancy who happens to be sitting next to me telling me a story about Bella Dancerella or something like that.

"WHOA, are you even listening to me? Ugh, I thought you would at least listen to my problems and help me out but nooo, all you care about is Macy Gray!" Alice yelled.

I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble~

"BITCH, I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU IN ONE MINUTE IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OFF MY RADIO STATION!"

Go ahead and try you goddamn piece of shit~

"WTF. YOU'RE GOING DOWN MACY GRAY!"

I'm sorry to report that the rest of this event was far too gruesome to relive… let alone write about. Needless to say, I was kicked out of school. But lucky me! Alice, Edward, and Bella all decided to drop out of school on the same day! Convenience?

OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL with Alice, Edward, Esme, & Bella.

"lolol Eddy you are sooo hawt!" Bella said, sitting basically on top of Edward like a total and complete skank.

"I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU SLUT!" Alice screamed, pushing Bella into a tree and fell over as soon as Bella hit into it.

"…What the hell? Do you weigh like 900lbs?!" Alice asked, obviously shocked that Bella knocked a tree down.

"ahahhhah I told u I was going on a diet."

"You didn't tell me that…"

"LOL OH YEA I told my stalker."

"…Stalker? What? Where? I don't see a stalker," I covered that up so well… she'll never suspect a thing.

"Since I was born, I started to decay. Now nothing goes my way," Edward said, looking up at the sky.

"Creepy Creepertin…" Alice commented.

"OMGWTF ALICEEE HAHAHA that was soo good Ed!!! is that some more angsty lyrics you're working on?!" Bella asked.

"These are not angst lyrics… these are words that summarize my pitiful and meaningless life in a swirling mist of black and white pasted on a sheet of angelic white purity," Edward concluded.

"ahah oh… Wait whut."

"He means he's just writing some poetry on a piece of paper, you stupid bitch," Alice clarified.

"It's much more than just poetry… it's-"

"Okay, Edward, we get it… look guys, there's something I have to tell you about Macy Gray…" I tried to catch their attention to tell them that the police will be here any minute to arrest me, and that I need a place to hide out for a couple of days, but it's impossible to catch anyone's attention with Edward writing about his irrational teenage angst.

"ahaha prettayyy. Write something about mee!!!!!" Bella begged.

"I'd rather drink gasoline and then swallow a match," Edward stated.

"See Bella? He's obviously not interested in you," Alice tried to explain.

"lolol shutup stupid Alice! He's not writing NE thing about you so just STFU gawd," Bella argued.

"SERIOUSLY. Everyone just shut up. I need to tell you that-" I couldn't get a word in no matter what.

"OMG ED! LOOK DA STARZ!" Bella shouted, looking up at the sky.

"Wait a minute, we live in a city, you can't see stars…" Alice wondered.

"You can only see stars when it's… Twilight," Edward said, daydreaming.

Just then, my worst nightmare came true. I heard sirens coming from only two blocks away. I knew they'd have search dogs coming out soon… and I hated dogs. They're nasty little motherfrackers. If they didn't have hair it would be so much better. I'm allergic, and I hate carrying around my inhaler… people start to think I'm a nerd or something.

Anyway, just as dusk turned into twilight, the police were coming towards us. As if by instinct, everyone started running… where we were running, none of us knew.

"OWAAHHHH!" we all heard Bella scream, and for some reason, we were all concerned… first time for everything I guess.

"lolz I fell in a hole guys. Zomg, there's lyk a cave thingy in here!" Bella shouted up from the hole.

"I say we just leave her there," Alice said.

"…When a life meets another life… something is born," Edward replied.

"Well, it could be a pretty good hiding place for criminals… I say we join her!" I said, only looking out for my well-being… to hell with everyone else. I jumped inside the hole and was soon followed by Edward and Alice.

"Ew, it's kind of gross in here," Alice commented.

"It kind of reminds me of my life…" Edward said.

"LOLOL you mean yur life b4 me. O=)" Bella said.

"Well, it's looks like we'll be staying in here for awhile…" I reassured everyone.

"How the fuck is that reassuring? But how long?!" Alice panicked.

"Uhh I'd say until the New Moon."

"ahahah I lyk moonz! soo romantic! Right ed?"

"Moons… no oxygen… suffocation… darkness… death…"

"WHEN'S THE NEW MOON!?"

"How should I know when the new moon is," I said, "I'm not a vampire."

"LOLOLOL I'MMA VAMP!"

"STFU no you're not. Jeez you're so annoying," Alice slapped Bella across the face.

"Blood is quite delicious. I think I might be a vampire. I rise with the moon and sink with the sun. Plus the smell of garlic makes me want to commit suicide… but then again, so does seeing a shooting star," Edward stated.

"…well, Edward, we're all relying on you to tell us when the New Moon will be!" I told him.

"I will not fail you. Unless I die first…"

And so, we all fell asleep into a very tense and awkward sleep.

(**A/N: I wrote this only after hearing all of the negative rumors about the book. I had no idea about the characters or the plot of the actual novel. I am currently reading the series and think it's actually quite brilliant. This is only a joke! No hard feelings? ;D

Review if you're feeling up to it!)