A/N: This takes place in season six, splitting off from canon there. Expect mild spoilers for all previous seasons. If you're interested, I'm writing a companion piece called "All the King's Men." Expect chapters to be posted together (one here, one there). If it matters, this story gets written first. I'll try to update twice a week, but expect at least once a week.

Warnings: Slash. Angst.

Disclaimer: CSI belongs to CBS and Bruckheimer Productions, not me.

All the King's Horses
1.

It's funny; after everything, it's because of a boy.

Oh, not the way you're thinking. It's not about him, with his perfect smile and perfect eyes and perfect voice with a perfect drawl and occasionally less-than-perfect hair. I think he might be the reason I held on as long as I did. Let's face it, when you know you're going to see that smile, and you know it's going to be for you, making it through one more day is… Well, it's a lot more bearable.

Maybe he did have a little to do with it, but in no way is it his fault. It's because of the boy.

Not the delicate, starved child left out with the trash. That was heartbreaking, the saddest thing I'd ever seen, but it's not why. Nick was still my reason for going on. He was always my reason, even after it was over.

It wasn't his fault that it ended. He supported me, and loved me, and stayed with me through all the extra hours of training to be a CSI, to get out of the lab. He recognized it as something I needed. He was patient, more patient than a saint.

Far more patient than I deserved.

It didn't end when he was buried, either. I didn't have a problem with holding him when his nightmares blocked out any chance of sleep. His parents didn't object to us—or to me—when they found me on his hospital bed. It didn't break us when everyone at work realized we'd been together for more than two years without telling them. It didn't end until months after he'd recovered, months after the nightmares left. He didn't even mind ants crashing a picnic, so don't you dare think I abandoned him because of his problems, don't you dare think I left him when he needed me. Hell, I even stuck it out when he had that stupid mustache. That's commitment.

Nick and I hadn't been an "us" for two months and seventeen days when I saw the boy.

I guess what's important for you to know it that after everything, it really has nothing to do with Nick. The only importance he has is… well, he's Nick, and that's pretty special right there. But it really doesn't mean anything to this story. You don't even need to tell him; I left a letter explaining what he'll find important about all this. I owe him that.