Captain James T. Kirk felt as though he was in an invisible prison. He was aware of the four walls surrounding him. Stillness. Emptiness. Aloneness. Hollowness. Guilt was in the air the breathed. Time was meaningless. Even now, as he stood in front of the panel awaiting his sentence, he realized nothing mattered any longer.

Although he heard them nothing those around him were saying changed things. Their words had no real to him any more. Even when Captain Charles Pellon, of the now decommissioned starship Dakota, gave his version of the events he heard the words but they meant nothing. The only thing he was conscious of hearing was, "Captain Kirk then warned First Officer Spock that if he did not stop he would stun him. As First Officer Spock continued Captain Kirk had no option but to fire his phaser which he believed he had set not on stun but it was set on kill."

While he was looking at them Jim Kirk did not really see the panel. He was aware of them and mentally registered their presence but they were not what filled his vision. For the past four days all he had seen was Spock falling to the ground, the phaser being taken from his hand, the doctor from the Dakota going to him, and taking a few minutes to examine him. He was aware of them talking but all he heard over and over was the doctor declaring Spock dead.

Dead. Dead? No! Stunned. He always had his phaser set on stun unless the situation absolutely required a kill. It had not been a kill situation. A security officer had taken his phaser while another officer had gripped him and quickly lead him away as they had all had to leave in a hurry.

As he stood trying to grasp what was going on Jim Kirk remembered the breathing exercises his friend and First Officer had taught him so long ago to calm his nerves. He was certain that if he could control his nerves, and therefore his emotions, he would remember. The Enterprise had been ordered to escort the Dakota back to Command where it would be formally decommissioned and the crew reassigned. They were to first escort it to Jublilne Five as there was a leading archeologist and a renowned scientist aboard the Dakota who were to examine a site on Jubliline Five. They were ready to leave when Spock had. . . .

Had what? Damn! It was not the first time he had cussed himself for not being able to remember exactly what had happened. He could not remember all that much about exactly what had happened. He very dimly recalled feeling a phaser in his hand but could not remember aiming it at Spock let alone firing it.

He remembered that they were in an area that was forbidden to off-worlders and yet they had been told they could go and get what they had been given permission to get as they had delivered half of what was to be exchanged for the items. Knowing his crew he knew they would have, upon delivery of the items, have send down what was agreed. Was it to do with that area?

He remembered that they were in the specified area, that the specialists had gathered what they had been told they could have and they were set to leave. Clearly he could recall the area and there had been nothing special about it. There was something about the Jublilne Five security team approaching the items, Pellon had said something, Spock had made a move and he had next felt the phaser in his hand, seen Spock fall, then watched the doctor go to where Spock lay and say he was dead. He remembered Pellon had said something and then they were on the Dakota and then the Enterprise and McCoy being there.

McCoy had said it would come back but could not say when. It infuriated him that what he had remembered was all he could remember as it did not answer the questions he needed answered. There were too many things that did not make sense, too many things he should remember. McCoy had found nothing abnormal in his systems, nothing unusual in any of the scans. A deep form of amnesia caused by shock is what McCoy had stated it was and that in time, with assistance, he would remember. He had no recollection of saying anything to Spock nor of pointing his phaser at him. Very dimly he recalled something had been said, there was a lot of confusion and commotion involving the Jubliline Five security team, he recalled the feel of the phaser in his hand, kept seeing Spock arch and fall, watching the doctor rush to him, and hearing him declare Spock dead. Then nothing.

No, not quite nothing but from that word "dead' and being lead away from Spock, from Spock's body, he had just gone through the motions ingrained in him. He could not even remember giving the order to beam up. Captain Pellon had clearly taken control and got them beamed to the Dakota and then to the Enterprise.

He remembered beaming aboard the Enterprise, of Bones and Scotty rushing up to him, helping him to Sickbay, hearing the endless and unanswerable questions, being walked to Sickbay, and the flood of emotional support from the crew who came to see him those first four days McCoy had kept him isolated. Sulu had taken the helm an kept him informed as to their journey to Command.

When Captain Pellon had come to see him on that fifth day he could remember it was all Scotty could do to not only control himself buy also Chekov when Pellon had asked him what had possessed him to kill his First Officer as he had. When Pellon had said that Command would want to know, as he did, why such an experienced Captain did not check his phaser before he fired it of if the insubordination had so infuriated him that he deliberately set it on kill.

He did remember that immediately Scotty had gripped Chekov as the young officer had all but lunged at Pellon while McCoy had immediately rushed Pellon out of Sickbay saying that he had yet to thoroughly review the last test results for a medical explanation. Pellon had said, "Yes, at the hearing there will be a need for your medical reports on his mental state of mind."

In Sickbay he had tried to remember and knew that Sulu and the bridge crew could take care of the ship and were all capable of seeing to the escort duties back to Command with the Dakota. Sulu would have the full support of not only the bridge crew but also the entire crew and one day would make an excellent captain of a starship. So many times he had seen that bridge crew band together in support of one another and seen how the crew followed their lead. He had seen how often the bridge crew, and the rest of the crew, had looked for certainty or assurance at Spock when. . No! Had was past. Even as the sedation McCoy had given him slowly made him sleep he could not think of Spock as dead, especially not dead by his hand.

All the bridge crew had been down to see him often during the trip to Command but he had said little as he could not remember it all. While the five of them must have tried every known way of asking him those searching questions of how, who, what, and why as they knew where and when he could not answer as he just could not remember. He could not explain how that word dead had taken more than just Spock from him, it had taken the core from him, it had taken the best half of him away. It was too hard to explain how lost and alone he was, how radically his life, his sense of being, had changed.

Although he would not say it aloud nor admit it to the others Doctor Leonard McCoy had felt a numbness in him from when he had been told that Jim Kirk had killed Spock. It was impossible and yet it had happened and now he was dealing with trying to help his friend remember an event he did not want his friend to recall anything about doing it. He had asked the other senior officers not to actually talk abut Spock as he had seen not only the visible reaction to the word but also what the instruments told him was going on in his friend on hearing that name. No matter what the proof Pellon had McCoy knew he would never accept that Jim Kirk could kill Spock. There was no way Jim Kirk could ever be made to kill Spock.

He was aware that McCoy had found him just standing or sitting in Spock's quarters fifteen times on the sixteen standard days it took to reach Command. He knew it was only after the first time there was at least one medical person shadowing him all the time and a security guard outside Spock's by the time he got there, he knew the reasons, knew the regulations. He also knew that the security guard did not follow the regulations as the guard allowed him into the quarters when the regs stated that he "the accused" was to have limited access to stated parts of the ship. The medical officer stayed out of the quarters and he had left the door open. There was no reason for him being there, no logical reason. There had been a quiet comfort in that room. It had been as though Spock was there just watching him try to sort through this on his own. How like that quiet sure support he had always felt around Spock it was to be in that room. It had only been when McCoy had said he would call for security to remove him that had made him leave those quarters the first time. The last time he had paused at the door and looked back in had been two days ago.

He had felt McCoy's hand on his shoulder, had heard him say, "I felt safe in there too, Jim. We have to remember that officially it is the quarters of the First Officer and will not be a shrine. We will have time to clear it out later."

"Clear it out later." A part of him, the Star Fleet Captain James Tiberus Kirk, part of him acknowledged that it was, as McCoy had said, the quarters of the First Officer, and would need to be cleared out yet the Jim Kirk part of him silently screamed "Not yet!" Not yet. That part of hm instisted that it was too soon. Too soon as he had lost Spock and he was not about to. No. He had not lost Spock, he had killed him. He had killed him. He had killed Star Fleet's best First Officer and his best friend. He had killed him and did not know why. He knew he always had his phaser set on stun so how could he have killed him? There had been that different pitch. It had been on kill. Why would he have set it on kill.

He could not remember what could have made him so desperately want to stop Spock from doing something that he would have drawn his phaser, let alone fire it. He had spent days of just existing, of feeling so empty and so alone, so very alone. Hours spent trying to remember, to fill the gaps, to answer so many questions. He could not think of a single reason nor circumstance under which he would have ever aimed a phaser at Spock with the intention of actually firing. McCoy had repeatedly told him that the details would come back with time. McCoy had said shock had blocked that part of his memory, for the moment. With time. For the moment. He just wondered how long a moment was.


A/N Hopefully will get this one done in two weeks as want to clear out all the stories this year before spring comes as it seems summer overlooked this part of the country while it really gave other areas great a great summer. Enjoy and HAVE FUN!