Premonitions and Decisions
Chapter One
Jack woke with a start. The dream he had just had was so vivid. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and turned his head, his eyes searching out Ianto.
He wasn't there; Jack's heart missed a beat. Was it a dream or had Ianto actually died in his arms at Thames House? Jack swung his legs over the side of the bed and dropped his head into his hands and let out a deep sob that was followed by another and another. His whole body shook with grief. At first he didn't even realise that someone was sitting next to him.
"Cariad, what's wrong?"
Jack turned his head, this tear filled eyes round with shock. Ianto raised his hand and wiped away his tears.
"Yan, you're here." Jack whispered his voice full of pain and relief, "Where were you?"
"Of course I'm here; you're at my place after all. What's going on?"
"I woke up and you weren't here, where were you?"
"I was in the bathroom. Jack, you're starting to scare me, what's happened?"
"Oh Yan, it was all a dream. You're still here, still with me. That's all that matters."
Jack took Ianto in his arms and held onto him. He never wanted to let him go. Ianto sensed that Jack wasn't ready to talk so he kissed his forehead. Lying down, he gently pulled Jack down to rest on his chest. Ianto ran his fingers through Jack's hair and felt his wet cheeks on his chest. It caused him pain to know that Jack had been crying and couldn't tell him why. He'd never seen Jack like this.
Eventually Jack's breathing steadied and became slow and regular. Ianto knew that he'd fallen asleep. Looking out the window, he could see the lights of the bay. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. When he awoke a couple of hours later, it was his head that was lying on Jack's chest but he could tell that Jack was still asleep from the steady rise and fall of his chest. Slowly he lifted his head and rested it on his hands and watched Jack sleep. It was the only time he looked at peace. His eyes moved behind his eyelids and there was a small smile on his lips. Ianto wanted to kiss him but he resisted, making himself get out of bed. He grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and walked out of the room.
As he made his way to the kitchen he grabbed the phone. Before dialling the number he checked the time to make sure she would be awake. Knowing that by now she would be, he dialled her number and sure enough Gwen answered on the second ring. He quickly and quietly told her that he and Jack would be in late if they even actually made it in to the Hub today. Gwen asked if everything was alright and he told her that he wasn't really sure but would let her know. She told him to take his time and if anything urgent came up she would call them. Ianto thanked her and hung up. He then turned his attention towards making their morning coffee. Jack could be a bear if he didn't get his first cup of coffee within minutes of waking. Ianto stood in the kitchen and waited for the coffee to percolate. As he waited, he once again wondered what had upset Jack so much earlier this morning. He hoped Jack would talk to him about it and not keep it locked away as he tended to do. Every time Ianto thought he'd found a hole in the brick wall that surrounded Jack's heart, he realised that Jack had just gone and built another wall behind it. He knew that Jack had lost so many people but he also knew that for whatever time that they had together he could make him happy.
"Ianto?" Jack called out. Not again, he thought. The bed was empty but this time Jack waited and he instantly knew that Ianto was in the apartment because he could smell coffee and Ianto's side of the bed was still warm. Jack lay down and shivered as he remembered last night's dream. It had felt so real but he knew that that was because some of it was real. He really had been in Scotland in '65. He'd been involved in that deal with the 456. He had pushed those thoughts deep, not wanting to remember how those children had been so trusting of 'Uncle Jack'. Had his mind decided to torture him with the loss of so many or was it a warning? Had someone, somehow been trying to prepare him of what was to come? Should he try to do things differently? Or would fate take the two most important men in his life away from him? He realised that in that dream Ianto had no idea of how Jack felt; come to think of it neither did Jack. Also Steven had no idea who Jack really was. Jack closed his eyes and tried to work out what to do.
Ianto walked back into the bedroom carrying two cups of coffee. As soon as he sat down on the bed, Jack opened his eyes and stared up at him and in that instant Ianto knew that he loved this man. This thought gave him pause. Up till now it had been fun, knowing about Jack's longevity he had been very careful to keep it that way for both of their sakes, so to realise that somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with a man who, if he was completely honest with himself, he didn't really know a lot about, was quite a shock. He handed Jack his coffee and caressed his cheek before rubbing his thumb over Jack's lower lip. Feeling its fullness and wanted to kiss it, Ianto sighed and wondered what he was going to do next. He knew that Jack never truly let his heart go; he would never love Ianto in the way that he loved Jack. Was it time to leave Torchwood and start over again somewhere else? Could he leave Torchwood, could he leave Jack?
Jack accepted the coffee and shivered with pleasure at Ianto's touch. The young man had no idea how much a simple touch from him could turn Jack to jelly. His eye's never left Ianto's and he was shocked to see so much love in the younger man's eyes. He'd seen that look many times over many, many years. Emotions that always lead to him being hurt or hurting another to save himself. So it was with a mixture of sorrow and joy that he realised that he had fallen deeply and passionately in love with Ianto. He'd only ever truly been in love half a dozen times throughout his very long life. Apart from The Doctor, which to be honest was probably more a crush than anything deeper, his last true love would have been Alice's mother. He had sworn than that he would never let himself fall in love again but it had happened without him even realising. Now he had to decide what to do. He knew how it would end, how it always ended. Him standing at their graveside, whether they died young or old, he was there, looking exactly the same as he did when they first met. Should he follow his heart or his head? Should he give into this and be with Ianto, enjoy every second that they were together, making the best of any time they had or should he make him leave. Deny any feelings for him break his heart now but know that he would move on and find someone who would grow old with him.
When Ianto's thumb caressed his bottom lip it caused fireworks to explode in his chest and he caught his breath. He knew that he could not let this man leave. It might be selfish but he needed Ianto in his life. That dream had told him that, he needed to make sure that Ianto knew how much he loved him. How much he needed him. Although having decided that, Jack began to wonder how much of his long life should he tell Ianto? Should he tell him about Alice and Steven, should he tell him about the children? Should he tell him about the other horrific things that he had done before he realised his true mission in life?
"Ianto, we have to talk." He said softly.
