Kate shuffles the financials around. She feels so close to breaking this case wide open so that she can get justice for her friends. Her heart beats wildly as she thinks about how solving this one last case will make her free. It will put a salve on the hole in her body that never quite feels full. At one point it did, when she decided to quit her job and run after Castle. She had found freedom from the deep desire and need then. It wasn't because of Castle (although that was a wonderful benefit). It was because she had done the work needed to make peace with herself. It was only because she did the work that she was able to be the right woman for Castle.
When Kate hears the knock on her office door at this time of the evening, confusion reigns through her head. Who could it be at this hour? She had sent Vikram home earlier when it didn't appear as though they were making much progress.
"Come in," Kate says, a look of surprise filling her features as she sees who it is.
"Katie," Jim Beckett says, his voice coming out softly but filled with reprimand.
"Dad, what are you doing here?" Kate scrambled with her paperwork. She hadn't told her father about the separation and wasn't willing to do so now. Maybe he wouldn't notice the extra blanket on her couch and assume that she was just working late.
"I was in your neighborhood checking out a new AA meeting and thought I would stop by the loft to surprise you. What I found instead was your husband drinking a glass of scotch and looking like he hadn't slept in days," Jim's eyes surveyed the room, landing on the blanket spread over her couch.
"He shouldn't have told you," Kate's voice lowered, filled with guilt over what she was putting her husband through.
"He didn't want to," Jim grabbed a chair and sat down next to Kate, "I recognized what was going on and asked him outright. I've seen that before."
Kate's face blanched as she remembered what her life was like as a 19-year-old whose father was drowning himself in alcohol. Either way, she couldn't be lectured by her father right now. She needed to solve this case and then go home and fix her marriage. She knew why he was here, but it's because he didn't understand.
Jim Beckett grabbed Kate's hands without her permission, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Katie, did I ever tell you about your mother's addiction?"
As soon as her father said the word "addiction," Kate's hands tightened. Her mother never had an addiction. All her mother ever did was fight for what was right, no matter the cost.
"What are you talking about?" Kate asked, "I knew that alcoholism ran in our family. Did mom also struggle with that?"
"No, that was just meā¦and your grandpa," Jim continued. "Kate, your mom was addicted to finding justice. The problem was that she loved finding justice more than she loved you or me."
"Dad, that's not true," Kate's heart sunk in at the concept of her mother loving anything more than she loved them. She was an amazing mother in every way.
"Kate, I never told you this because I didn't want to change your perception of your mother," Jim hesitated, his mouth tightening as if he was about to deliver news that would break the very foundation that Kate relied on for life.
"I asked your mother to stop investigating the case that got her killed. I begged and pleaded with her because I knew what would happen. She had gone down several rabbit holes for cases during the course of our marriage. When you were eight years old, we almost divorced because of it."
Kate removed her hands from her father's and sat back in her chair. She didn't know what question to ask first.
"What? How could it be that bad? What stopped you from getting divorce?"
Jim's eyes met Katie's dead on, "When you were eight years old, your mom was chasing a case that would get her killed and it almost did. That day, she came to me, telling me that she realized what she was chasing wasn't worth our marriage. She let the case go and put it behind her. She admitted that she had an addiction and would work on it. She started attending therapy, understanding trigger points and coping mechanisms. She got better and our marriage was great, for a while."
"What happened with that last case?" Kate was terrified to ask, a part of her already knowing the answer.
"I saw all the signs, the late nights, the uncontrollable drive. I begged her to go back to therapy. She told me she was fine, that she had it handled. She didn't." Jim's eyes filled with tears, remembering that when the police officer told them what happened, he felt guilty; because, while he was devastated at the loss of the love of his life, he didn't even feel a little surprised. He couldn't bring his wife back, but he could stop his daughter from letting this devastating addiction destroy her life too.
A rush of emotion took root in Kate's body. Her father could have been speaking about her. She remembered Castle saying that he had seen her behavior before. She wondered if that had been him noticing triggers.
"Katie, I'm here because you have it too. That drive inside of you that doesn't feel quenched until you solve the case, that's addiction. Solving the case won't take care of it. It may only allow it to stay dormant until the next time a case of this magnitude comes up," Jim's voice softened.
"Dad, I don't know how to fix this," Kate whispered, her body shaking. How could she do this to her husband? How could she dishonor the one man that had loved her through everything? Castle was waiting at home, heart breaking because she had chased an addiction over him. But even with that knowledge, she still found herself wanting the addiction. The need to solve this case filled every inch of her being, edging out the room for anyone else to come in. She loved Castle, needed Castle, but how did she quench this fire that filled her? How did she put him back to the number one position in her heart?
Jim took Kate's hand again. "You have to get help, honey. Don't throw your marriage or your life away because of this thing. You need to treat this like an addiction. Get into therapy and stay in therapy for a while. Understand your triggers and how to cope with them. Stay away from the things that will drag you down the rabbit hole."
"What if I already messed up my marriage too much?" Kate's eyes pleaded with her father's to give her some magnitude of hope, something that would tell her it would all be ok.
"Honey, you need to let Rick know what he's dealing with. He's married to an addict. I think on some level he already knows that. But you need to let him in on the struggle. He needs to understand your triggers and how to cope with them. He needs to join you in therapy and attend therapy himself. You need to let him take this journey with you," Jim paused, as if uncertain if he should say the next thing.
"What, dad?" Kate questioned her father, scared of the underlying hesitation that she saw in his eyes.
"Being married to an addict is hard, honey. I know he loves you and will work through this with you. Because his love runs so deep, he will forgive you again and again. But that's not fair to allow him to do that. You need to let him in on who you are completely, all of you. From now on, you need to deal with your addiction together. You can't ever do this to him again, because if you do, I'm going to advise him to walk away," Jim looked down at the notes that Kate had gently covered up and then drew his eyes back up to Kate's.
"Consider this your intervention."
Kate nodded and squeezed her father's hand.
"I hear you loud and clear, dad. Thank you."
Jim loosened his hand from Kate's and got up from the chair. He gave her a hug and opened the door. Before walking through it, he turned around,
"You know that this is because I love you so much, right Katie?"
"I love you too," Kate said through the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks.
As she watched her father go, she realized that she felt completely different from the moment he had walked through the door. It was as if the case that had gripped her body and soul had loosened a little and she was starting to see it for what it was. It had control over her. As the realization that she had given up the most important person in her life for her addiction began to take root in her mind, she made a choice. She decided to make two calls. As she listened to Dr. Burke's voicemail, she left a message with urgency, asking for the first available session that he had during business hours.
Her heart pounded as she pushed the contact information for the next person on her list, barely a ring occurred when she heard his voice, a note of question in his hello that broke her heart whenever she heard it these days.
"Hi Castle, can we talk?"
