Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form own any part of Orange is the New Black including, but not limited to the characters and setting used in the fan fiction below.
Author's Note: This is my first story EVER and I'm so excited to actually post it somewhere where people might actually read it! Apologies for any typos and my tendency to overuse commas.
WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT AND DARK THEMES. RATED M FOR A REASON.
TRIGGER WARNING/SLIGHT SPOILER: If you're triggered by allusions and descriptions of self-harm, please DO NOT PROCEED.
She couldn't move. Her body was paralyzed to the point of barely being able to breathe. She tried to fight it, but to no avail. It was like trying to push away an intangible force, stronger than anything ever known to mankind. The darkness that seemed to consume her was so overwhelmingly powerful that nothing could push it away. She tried to scream, only to have her cries silenced by the ethereal grasp of the foreign energy.
"Wake up, Lorna. Please. You're safe - I've got you. Please wake up!" she heard a familiar voice whisper as she searched for its source. Nicky, where are you? she thought, still unable to move. She felt a hand gently stroking her hair as her eyes opened and she slowly came back to reality. It was the middle of the night – probably between three and four o'clock. She looked up to see Nicky standing over her, one hand squeezing hers, and the other moving her damp hair from her face.
"Come here," Nicky said, and Lorna buried her tear-stained face in the other woman's chest. She sobbed uncontrollably whilst holding on to Nicky's shirt as if it was about to be ripped away from her hands. Nicky held Lorna tightly. She wanted to take away her pain - all of it - even if it meant bringing it upon herself to endure. She would do anything for the sweet, dark-haired girl in her arms.
Ever since the incident with Christopher, Lorna had been having the same nightmare each night. Although she couldn't hear her own cries, they were quite audible throughout the prison - screaming accompanied by loud sobs and occasional pleas consisting of "no" and "stop". Once the nightmares started, it was nearly impossible to wake Lorna. She had fallen off her bunk on multiple occasions, but continued to kick and scream, still unconscious of the world around her. The only thing that calmed her enough to wake up was that voice. The voice that she believed when it told her that everything was going to be okay. The voice that she trusted more than she trusted herself. Nicky's voice.
Nicky continued hold Lorna and rub her back until the crying subsided. This was a nightly occurrence for the past five weeks now, and there were no signs of stopping. The other inmates didn't utter a word. By the first week they had learned to keep their mouths shut – some due to Nicky's and the "family's" threats, but mostly because nobody disliked Lorna. In fact, the ones that knew her, really liked her, including the COs. Known as "Litchfield's most optimistic", she always had a positive attitude, which was contagious. So when the night terrors began, no one wanted to cause her any more distress. Even Caputo was kind enough not to send Lorna to the SHU and/or psych after Miss Rosa's escape. He also reassigned Nicky to the same cube after being asked to do so by Red, who had used to her advantage the fact that Vee had gone unpunished for so long after the slocking incident. None of this had stopped, or even lessened the nightmares, but it did allow Nicky to be by Lorna's side sooner, being a benefit to both her and the other inmates.
"I'm so sorry, Nicky," Lorna sniffled, wiping the last of her tears, "I shouldn't-"
"Hey, try and get some sleep, alright?" Nicky interrupted, planting a soft kiss on top of her head, "We can talk later". Lorna stopped to look at Nicky for a moment before nodding and lying back down. She fell asleep almost immediately, exhaustion taking its toll on her small frame.
Lorna would often overthink things, which only added to her stress levels. Nicky hated the fact that she was always blaming herself. There were clearly some deep-rooted issues from past events contributing to the nightmares, but Lorna hadn't spoke of them. Nicky knew from experience that being asked about this sort of thing would only make her withdraw even more. Heck, even Red, who had gotten out of the hospital two weeks earlier, tried to question Lorna, and got the not-so-surprising "I don't know what you're talking about" response. Nicky needed Lorna to trust her completely before mentioning anything about her past. If she was the only person keeping Lorna in check, she damn sure didn't want to ruin it with one stupid question and bad timing.
Nicky didn't sleep the rest of the night. She never slept after one of Lorna's nightmare "attacks". She couldn't. She felt the need to watch over her bunkmate in case she decided to do something stupid.
In the mornings, Lorna was her "regular" cheery self. Like Nicky, she had learned to put on a disguise and Lorna was a very good actress. No one would have ever guessed that this happy-go-lucky gal was crying her eyes out every night if they hadn't heard her themselves. Of course, everyone now saw right through her, but they would choose to ignore the previous night's event, as Nicky was always glued to her side and acted as a threat to anyone who so much as looked in Lorna's direction in a way she didn't approve of. The conversations were normal, for the most part – Nicky's jokes, Boo's sarcastic responses, Yoga Jones' calm and collected behavior. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Of course, Lorna had long since stopped talking about the wedding and her contributions to group discussions had lessened, but she still took part in most conversations and had been able to convince herself that her disguise was working.
Everyday would pass like this – Lorna pretending everything was great, Nicky putting on her tough-guy persona, but secretly being on the lookout for any crazy bastard trying to prove Lorna wrong, and everyone else minding their own business, as if nothing was different than before.
After breakfast, the inmates were headed for work. Lorna was temporarily reassigned to laundry while CO Ford drove the new van. They needed to sort out all the paperwork regarding Rosa's escape before they could allow an inmate to drive again. Nicky hated leaving Lorna in the company of Pennsatucky everyday and often ran "errands" for Luschek that would allow her to nonchalantly check on Lorna every now and then.
The days usually ran by smoothly. Although, by early evening, Lorna was tired of pretending and just wanted to curl up and let everything out. But she knew she couldn't. She couldn't burden Nicky with any more of her problems. It was enough that she was disturbing her sleep every night, but piling more of her personal issues on Nicky just wasn't fair. She would deal with them herself. Even if it meant having to be reminded of the truth every moment and putting on a brave face for the rest of her sentence.
The next night was the same as the others. Screaming, kicking, crying and apologizing. Nicky's heart sank every time she saw involuntary sobs escape the fragile girl's throat. If only Nicky could love away the pain, Lorna would be happy again. Not just pretend-happy, but actually, genuinely happy, her face glowing with that beautiful smile of hers that had been gone for way too long now. A tear escaped Nicky's eye and she quickly wiped it away. She had to be strong. For Lorna. She was her rock, and if she crumbled now, they would both go spiraling downwards. She didn't want to push her, but she had to know the source of her issues – because it sure as hell wasn't just Christopher – Lorna had told her that much. It was the sudden pull back into reality caused by Christopher's visit, but it wasn't directly him. Nicky wanted to help her through everything, but she had to know what Lorna was hiding. She decided that she would try to ask sometime this week – making sure to give Lorna enough space and time so she didn't feel the need to retreat from Nicky, but also acting quickly enough so she wouldn't do anything that could potentially cause her more harm. Slow and steady she thought as she watched Lorna sleep after another night terror.
That morning, Lorna wasn't chirpy, or upbeat or anything remotely resembling optimistic. Well, everyone knew she wasn't, but the problem was, she wasn't even pretending. She sat at the cafeteria table quietly, barely touching her food. When Nicky gave her a worried look from across the table, she forced a strange smile – the same kind she had when Nicky saw her that day through the visitation room window. She stood up, bussed her tray and left without a word. Nicky wanted to follow her, but thought that maybe it would be better to give the girl some space and alone time. Maybe she just needed to cry without the company of another human being.
"You two get in a fight?" Boo asked, almost whispering to Nicky, but loud enough for a few others at the table to hear.
"What? No! She just… needs her privacy, and I respect that" Nicky answered matter-of-factly.
"You sure that's a good idea, Nichols?" Boo asked, raising her eyebrows, as if trying to catch Nicky in a lie.
"Hey – every girl needs her privacy during a certain time of month, eh?" Nicky's quick response, albeit a lie, was good enough for the others to drop the subject. As everyone was still eating, Red stood and motioned for Nicky to follow her. She led her out of the cafeteria.
"Would you like me to talk to her?" Red asked, making sure everyone was out of earshot.
"No, Ma! Give the girl a break, she wants to act normal, but she can't with everyone constantly asking her if she's okay or if she needs anything! Look, I appreciate your concern, but she wants to be left alone for a little while. I've been there, I get it. It's fucking difficult, but when the time comes, she'll talk, alright?"
"Nicky, it's been over a month –"
"I know! Fuck!" she put her face in her hands, and let out a heavy sigh, "Sorry. I just don't wanna push her too quickly, you know. I don't want her to shut me out too."
"Too quickly?" Red whisper-yelled as she grabbed Nicky's shoulders, "What the fuck are you waiting for? That girl is going to hit rock bottom pretty soon if you don't find out what in the world is troubling her! Do you want her to get sent to psych for doing something that you could have prevented?" Nicky felt tears well up in her eyes at that point, but she wasn't going to let them spill. She roughly pulled away from Red.
"You think I don't know that?" She was almost yelling at that point, "I love her. More than I've ever loved anyone, and more than anyone has ever loved me, and I hate seeing her like this, but you already tried asking her and it didn't work! I need her to trust me enough to tell me herself, otherwise she's gonna start bottling everything up inside and –" Nicky was the one sobbing now, something she would never do in front of anyone, except the woman whom she called her mother. Red took her into her arms and ran her hand soothingly through her unruly hair.
"Honey, she already does," Red whispered in her ear, "Lorna would follow you into a burning building if she had the chance. She just needs a little push from you to realize that you need to know the truth behind all this," she cupped Nicky's face in her hands and wiped a tear from her cheek, "Otherwise, it's just going to get worse". Nicky nodded. She knew Red was right. Lorna may be hurt now, but she was going to be a way worse situation if this behavior continued.
"Okay," Nicky said, "I'll ask her tonight, after final count". Red patted her back and smiled.
When Nicky got to work, damn Luschek didn't have any errands to run that day, so she was stuck listening to Chapman talking about the unfair treatment of prisoners and the lack of something or other in various areas of blah, blah, blah. Sure, she wasn't as annoying as SoSo, but the topics she decided to discuss were totally out of the ballpark of Nicky's interests. So, she stared at the clock instead, counting down the hours until dinner.
Meanwhile, Lorna was in quite the opposite situation. Pennsatucky had been called to Healy's office, and Leanne and Angie weren't very talkative today. Not that there was much work to do. It was Tuesday, and the biggest batches of laundry came in on Thursday and Friday, right before visitation day.
"Why don't we call it a day, huh?" Leanne said around noon, when they had finished folding Monday's clothes, "I mean, we ain't gonna get much more stuff in today, and we can pile up whatever's dropped off later with tomorrow's shit".
"Yeah," Angie agreed, "and Doggett won't be back today either to rat us out, so I'm totally in!"
"I'm gonna stay a little while longer," Lorna said, "you know, just in case something bigger comes in"
"Suit yourself," Angie said, getting up, "Just don't rat on us!"
"Oh, I won't" Lorna replied. When the other two left, she pulled out a towel and a clean outfit in her size and headed out.
The bathroom was empty, as she expected at this time of day. Lorna undressed, and pulled a small object out of her shirt pocket. She stepped into the shower and blasted the cold water at full force. Looking up, she inhaled a deep, shaky breath. She needed a release, and this was the only way to get it without burdening other people with her problems. Lorna took the razor in her hand and pushed it against her skin. She didn't want to kill herself – she wanted the adrenaline rush caused by the release of endorphins to temporarily numb the emotional pain. Her heart rate quickened, and she held her breath as she continued to cut through the pale skin on her left forearm. She exhaled only when she felt the blood trickle down her arm. It was bliss, and she couldn't stop. She had to do it again, to feel the same numbing sensation overcome her body. After the fifth cut, Lorna was shaking so much that she dropped razor and had to lean her back against the wall in order to prevent herself from falling. Her head was spinning, and she felt like passing out but now she understood Nicky's former need to get high – it made her numb to the pain. Not the kind of pain that you could take away by popping an Advil, but the kind that you had to live with for the rest of your life. The real pain.
"Hey Luschek! We were supposed to get our fucking lunch break an hour ago!" Nicky yelled. It was almost one and nobody was really doing anything except sitting around and talking.
Luschek looked at his watch, "Well, I was only gonna keep you here 'til two 'cause I gotta meet with Caputo later, but since Nichols asked so nicely, I'm gonna let you all go even earlier." The inmates cheered. "BUT," Luschek continued, "you're makin' up for it tomorrow. Now, return your tools and off with you! Scram!" The inmates ran off like a bunch of wild animals being released from their cages. "Pack of monkeys," Luschek muttered under his breath as he shook his head.
Before Nicky went to check on Lorna, she stopped by their cube to pick out some dirty clothes. She didn't want anyone, especially Lorna knowing the reason for her visit to the laundry room, so she needed a visible excuse. She had checked most of her stuff in yesterday, so she grabbed the clean towel that hung from her chair and continued on her way.
The laundry room was strangely quiet when Nicky got there, but upon closer inspection she realized that it was empty. The COs must have a really important meeting if they're letting everyone leave work early. But if Lorna wasn't in laundry, or in their cube, then where the hell was she? The thought sent shivers down Nicky's spine. She darted out of there, still holding the towel, but didn't know where to go. She ran (or rather, speed-walked) to the chapel, it being Nicky's go-to place for nearly anything, only to hear two girls getting it on. She didn't know who it was, but neither of them sounded like Lorna so she backed out. The only other private place she could think of was the bathroom, but it was gross and the floor was covered in fungus, so she didn't expect Lorna to hang out in there by herself. But something told her to check anyways. She walked in, and noticed that one of the showers was running. As she stepped closer, she heard shaky breathing accompanied by familiar soft whimpers. She slowly opened the shower curtain, and looked down to see a constant stream of diluted blood running down the drain. Nicky almost smirked at the accuracy of her previous comment but her jaw dropped when she saw the razor lying at Lorna's feet and that the source of blood was completely different than what she had assumed. She looked up to see the freezing shower water hitting Lorna's body, her hands balled into fists, holding her up against the shower wall. Her eyes were closed, revealing smeared mascara and her lips were turning blue from the cold.
"FUCK!" Nicky quickly turned the water off and covered Lorna in the towel she was holding. She grabbed the razor and stuck it in her pocket. Nicky pulled Lorna out of the shower and led her to sit on one of the bathroom benches while rubbing her back and arms, trying to provide her with as much warmth as she could. The towel was starting to turn red from the blood coming from Lorna's forearm. Nicky grabbed another towel that was nearby and pulled Lorna's arm out to inspect it. The cuts were deep – not deep enough to hit a major vein, but deep enough to cause considerable blood loss and leave some really nasty scars. Four of them across her arm and one going down – like tally marks. The dark crimson looked so intense against Lorna's pale skin, that it sickened Nicky to think that such perfection could undergo this kind of torment. She wrapped the other towel tightly around her arm to act as a tourquinet. Lorna didn't even wince. Her lips were slightly parted, her eyes glazed over, and she was staring straight into nothingness as if in a trance. Nicky picked up Lorna's clothes and almost succeeded in her attempt to clothe her. She did the bottom half, but couldn't get her shirt on because of the damn fat-ass towel on her arm. So she draped the other slightly bloody towel around her again and wrapped her arms around her friend, holding her tightly to share body heat. The smaller woman was as cold as ice and she was shaking so badly that Nicky almost thought she was having a seizure. Red was right, I'm so fucking stupid! I could have prevented this! She felt sick to her stomach when she thought of Lorna being sent to psych and tried to get the thought out of her head. She focused on keeping the other woman warm. That was her goal for now, and the rest would (hopefully) sort itself out. A few minutes later she felt a glimmer of hope when she heard Lorna take a hitched breath and collapse into Nicky, crying. She's back she let out a sigh of relief as she continued to soothe her.
"Hey, it's alright. Shhh, I'm here. Nod if you can hear me" Nicky felt Lorna's head move up and down against her shoulder. She waited a while before speaking again.
"There, there. It's gonna be okay. Can you look at me?" she asked before gently pulling away just enough to see Lorna's face. Her eyes were back to normal, apart from the fact that they were filled with tears, and her cheeks were now pink instead of purple.
"Where did you get the razor?" Nicky asked gently, but firmly, not wanting to scare Lorna off, but expecting an answer.
"I f-f-found it," Lorna was still shaking, but this time from crying rather than freezing, "in the sh-showers, a few d-days ago"
Nicky was shocked. What idiot would leave a fucking razor lying around? She moved her hand to Lorna's cheek and wiped away a tear. A short pause followed.
"Why?" she finally asked, looking into Lorna's eyes, searching for an answer.
"You weren't supposed to find me," Lorna started, "I w-was gonna go back a-and – but I couldn't – it just felt so much better – and I k-kept going – and then my head s-s-starts spinning – and I d-don't know where I am anymore – but I don't wanna come back – 'cause it's not there anymore – and when I'm here I can't even fall asleep without it coming back" her sentences were interrupted by hiccups and Nicky's heart broke when she saw more tears making their way down her face and Lorna trying so hard to hold back the sobs that were threatening to escape at any moment.
"I know it's hard," Nicky began, trying to form her words to sound as gentle as possible, "but I really want to help you and in order to do that I –" she paused. This wasn't coming out the way she intended it to. She sighed.
"What I'm trying to say is, maybe it would be easier for both of us if you would consider telling me what it is? I mean, you don't have to right now, but maybe when you've calmed down a bit and you're ready to talk about it?" Nicky quickly added when she saw Lorna tense up at the thought of revealing anything. They sat there for a while, Nicky looking at Lorna, her hand gently stroking the other girl's cheek, hoping that she would agree to open up to her, and Lorna looking down at her own hands, unable to guide her eyes upwards.
"Okay" Lorna finally whispered, almost too quietly for Nicky to hear.
"Alright, let's get you dressed then" Nicky said and she began to untie the towel-tourquinet. Lorna put on the clean long-sleeved undershirt and khaki T-shirt and Nicky ripped the other shirt into pieces to tie around her arm.
"You can't walk around looking like freaking Mega Man without people assuming too much," she reasoned, "I'm gonna ask Red if she has anything for cuts or something along the lines of Mederma. I'll say I got an epic cut on my left ass-cheek during work, so she won't bother asking any questions. And don't worry about washing those bloody towels today. For all anyone knows, you're on your period, so that's taken care of." Nicky realized that she had probably pushed it a little too far. She should have known better than to start cracking casual jokes when Lorna was in such a vulnerable state. But Lorna, who was now leaning over the sink, washing her face, seemed unfazed by Nicky's humor and actually smiled at the Mega Man part.
They left the towels and other clothes in the laundry for sorting tomorrow and went to their cube. It was just past two, so they had missed lunch and had to wait another three hours until dinner. Red gave Nicky some ointment for her "butt-cut" and told her that she doesn't want to hear how or why it happened, just to take the damn thing and go. Nicky treated Lorna's wounds, which had almost stopped bleeding, but the "bandage" needed to be changed every few hours. She would remove the blood-covered fabric, being as gentle as she could, in fear or causing Lorna any more pain. She rubbed the ointment over her cuts, which she knew would sting, but Lorna remained brave throughout the "treatment", only wincing at the first contact between her damaged skin and the ointment. When Nicky was done, she wrapped Lorna's arm in a clean piece of the ripped shirt, making sure it was tight enough to stop the remaining blood flow.
"Oh no, my hair's a mess!" Lorna said, looking into her little magnet mirror while brushing out the tangled strands. Nicky smiled, "Have you seen mine?" Lorna turned and pretended to inspect Nicky's wild do.
"You look hot, kid. How many times am I gonna have to say it for you to believe it? Hair or no hair, you're still the sexiest person alive in my eyes" Nicky continued. She hadn't complimented Lorna's looks since that day. She liked doing it though – it usually made Lorna seem happier, if only for a moment. But this time, there was no smile, no giggle, nothing. Lorna turned back around to face the mirror and continued untangling the dark strands. Nicky realized that it was probably too soon. Slow and steady. You're getting somewhere just don't push it. She lied down on her bunk and stared at the ceiling. Lorna needed her space, and if she was preoccupied with her hair, then at least she wasn't thinking about it.
Finally, dinnertime came and Nicky and Lorna sat away from everyone to make sure that no one took notice of Lorna's arm.
"How is the ointment working for you, Nicky?" Red asked as she walked by their table. Lorna quickly hid her left arm under the table, praying that Red hadn't noticed her reaction. But she had nothing to worry about once Nicky opened her mouth.
"You know, it stings like a thousand bees tryin' to get laid during mating season, but I'd be lyin' if I said it ain't doin' its job," Nicky replied, "I mean, look at me – I can actually sit without feeling like I'm shoving a damn fork up my butt!"
"I'm glad, but you could have spared me the imagery" Red responded with a chuckle as she continued on her way to their regular table.
When they finished their meal, Nicky and Lorna headed for the chapel. It was quiet and slightly dark, as always. They sat down on the front-most chairs and were both silent for a while. Nicky spoke first,
"So, have you told anyone at all? Your sister, maybe?" Lorna shook her head. She hadn't spoken to anyone about that part of her life. Not even her closest family.
"Well, you can tell me. Talk to me, 'cause I can't stand to see you trying to fight this thing by yourself. I want to help you. Please let me help you," Nicky pleaded while wiping the single tear that had escaped Lorna's eye.
"You don't deserve this," Lorna whispered, her head hanging down, "You have your own issues to take care of, you shouldn't be worrying about mine."
"Hey, maybe I do, but you're one of them. You have been one of them since the moment you walked into this place wearing that dumb orange outfit. I love you, Lorna, so your problems are my problems whether you like it or not," Nicky added, making sure to emphasize the word "love". She didn't say it often, but when she did, she meant it with her entire being.
"This isn't fair," Lorna shook her head, "I'd be using you – "
"No, you wouldn't," Nicky interrupted, "I told you, I want to do this. I don't regret a single minute spent with you and I want us to be more than just friends when we get outta here."
"I do too, but I'm crazy," Lorna replied, her voice starting to crack, "I lied to you and everyone else. You should hate me."
"Well I don't, okay? You have your reasons for doing what you did, and it was clearly preventing what's happening with you now," Nicky said as she pushed a strand of Lorna's hair behind her ear, "Baby, it's been over a month. It's not something that's just gonna pass with time." Lorna nodded slowly. She held back the tears that she felt were making their way into her eyes – she wouldn't be able to talk if she started crying again.
"Yeah, I know" she finally acknowledged. She took a deep breath and began, not being able to meet Nicky's eyes, "I was eighteen…"
TO BE CONTINUED
Author's Note: I know, I'm an awful person and I should go die in a hole. However, I quite enjoy the hurt/comfort genre, so I like making characters cry, as long as there's someone that will be there to wipe away the tears. This idea has kept on bugging me since June when I binge-watched both seasons of OitNB TWICE within a week, and seeing as there aren't enough fanfics with these two, I decided to actually put it down on paper (ahem - word processor?) and stick it in here for all the other Nickello/Nickorello fans to enjoy (or not). Reviews would be appreciated! ;-)
