Author's Notes:
This is my first fic here at That is to say, I've attempted writing other fics before, but never ever completed them. This one I really do want to finish, though I'm working on it rather slowly... I figured if I put it up here, that'll motivate me to continue it! Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII or any of it's characters!
-----------------------------------------
Shades of Red
Chapter One - Secret Love
"What's wrong, Zell? You seem a bit under the weather lately," Selphie chirped as she plopped down on a seat next to me in the Balamb Garden cafeteria. Funny she should mention the weather; it perfectly reflected my gloomy mood that day.
"Everything's fine, Selphie," I replied and gave her a weak smile, hoping she would go away. I mean, I was kind of glad that somebody was showing concern for my well-being, but the fact that it was Selphie really churned my stomach.
"Zell, I know something is wrong. You didn't even touch your hot dog!"
I thought, You're what's wrong! Just leave me alone! I wish I could say that to her, but she's such a nice person, and I'm not a jerk like Seifer. So I just made up some bullcrap story to make her go away.
"That's because I'm savoring it," I explained. "You can't take hot dogs for granted. You have to appreciate them. Now, take time to bask in the hot dog's glory!"
I closed my eyes as if in meditation. Fortunately Selphie got up and left while shaking her head and mumbling. Whatever she said, I only caught the word "weirdo." Selphie's a nice girl and all, but I've got my problems with her. It's nothing she purposely does. I mean, how could she know that what she does causes annoyance to others, especially me of all people? I could tell her, of course, but I'd rather keep these things to myself. It's a touchy matter, and I don't need word getting around to Seifer. It would just be more fodder for him.
Speaking of Seifer, he's back, of course, and arrogant as ever. Seriously, some people never change. Never mind the fact that I'm a SeeD now, and he's still just a Cadet. He doesn't care about that. Plus, what am I gonna do about it? I'm not an instructor; I can't set penalties.
Now instructors... Don't get me started on them. There's been a lack of missions for SeeDs now that we defeated Ultimecia and everything's peaceful in the world. Desperate instructors use this to their advantage; they grab the nearest SeeDs they can find to help them with their classes, and it seems I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I screwed around a lot when I was a Cadet, so what makes them think I have the ability to teach?
All this post-time compression stress has gotten to me, I guess. Nothing's really changed around here, but my feelings have. I've never been able to hide my feelings very well, and I've always acted happy because I've always felt happy. Now everybody knows that something's up, since I haven't been acting like my usual self. If I had better control of my emotions, I could eliminate several problems.
Just as I finished eating my hot dog, one of those problems walked through the cafeteria doors. I tried to throw out my trash and scurry away unnoticed, but I failed.
"Hey, Zell! I been lookin' fer ya," an all too familiar voice called out to me.
I froze in my tracks, slowly turned around and replied, "Oh! Hi, Irvine. I didn't see you there." I tried my hardest not too look at his eyes, or any other part of him for that matter. Except his shoes. Shoes were okay for looking at.
The sharpshooter approached me with that ridiculous smile he's always got on his face. He tipped his black cowboy hat and winked at me before throwing his arm around my shoulders and giving me a friendly squeeze with it.
"I'm glad I caught ya here. Selphie told me she'd seen ya here," he explained cheerfully. "What have you been up to? I hardly see ya anymore!"
"Well, uh, you know. I've been busy. Doing SeeD-ly duties and such," I stammered. SeeD-ly? What the heck kind of word was that?
"Well, I hope ya got the day off today. I was hopin' you'd come with me to--"
I didn't give him time to finish. It didn't matter what he was about to ask me to do. I just wouldn't go with him. I couldn't go with him, so I said before he could finish, "Actually, Irvine, I'm sorry I have to decline, but I'm actually pretty busy today." His arm was still around my shoulders. I really wanted him to go away before something horrible could happen.
"Aw, Zell, when'd you become such a worker?" Irvine jested and punched me lightly on the arm. This act caused him to release me. Thank Hyne for that. "I guess you get an even bigger workload when you become a SeeD, huh?"
"Yep! Lots of SeeD duties!" That was a lie. "Enjoy your days as a Cadet while you can! But, ah, I've actually got someplace I've got to be..." Another lie. "...so if you'll just excuse me..."
I turned and dashed out of the cafeteria, not bothering to take a look over my shoulder at Irvine. If I were to turn around, he probably would have had a very disappointed look on his face. I would be the cause of his disappointment. I had disappointed Irvine. That look would have shattered me. Or what if he was angry? I would have angered Irvine! I wouldn't have been able to take that either, I don't think. Either way, I ran all the way back to my dorm.
As soon as I entered my room, I flopped face down onto my bed and let out a large groan. I wish I could have stayed with Irvine. If I could, I would be with him every day, never declining any invitations. Yet again, the fact that I cannot hide my emotions becomes a problem. Irvine himself was never a problem. Oh, no. In fact, Irvine is a blessing. A blessing that I was unable to enjoy because I could not hide my emotions. Oh, Hyne, to think that anyone would know about my feelings makes me sick to my stomach. What would people think? Worst of all, Seifer would never stop making fun of me for this, and Irvine would be scared away forever.
This was my problem with Selphie that I couldn't tell her. She's constantly all over Irvine, and it makes me jealous. It pains me to see Irvine "together" with people who aren't me. Irvine isn't dating Selphie, but it definitely seems that she's trying to make that happen, and it's only a matter of time before she succeeds. The worst part of it all was that there's nothing I could do about it.
Just as I was about to fall asleep on my bed, I heard a knock at the door. Without thinking, I immediately crossed my room to open it, only to be greeted by that gorgeous smile attached to the angelic face of the six-foot-tall sharpshooter who went by the name Irvine Kinneas. Before I could say anything, he invited himself into my room and plopped down on my bed.
"If this is the kinda work ya get as a SeeD, I think I'm rather lookin' forward to it," Irvine chuckled.
Chuckling weakly, averting my eyes to anything in the plain room that might distract me. There was absolutely nothing I could say, so I just stood there staring very intently at my shoes. Finally, Irvine was the one to break the silence.
"I highly doubt you can tie your shoes with your mind, so just give up," he said, smiling at me.
"Oh, right. Er, sorry," I stammered. "Is there anything you need?"
"Not really," he replied as he propped his right foot over his left knee. "Just wanted to hang out."
"Ah, I see. That's cool." Trying to act casual was failing miserably.
"Ya know, Zell, you've been actin' real different lately," Irvine pointed out, "especially around me." My stomach felt
like it was doing flips. "It's not hard to tell. Ya know you really suck at hiding your emotions." Oh Hyne, does he know! "I like you, Zell, and I'd like to hang out with ya, but ya really have been makin' an effort to avoid me. I hope I didn't do anything to offend you."
"No! Not at all," I quickly replied and gave him the vaguest explanation possible. "I've just had some problems lately."
This was meant to make him go away, but I've not been very good at making people leave me alone lately. On the contrary, this caused him to get up and move towards me and actually touch me.
Irvine put his arm around my shoulders and said, "Hey, man, whatever's goin' on with you, that's you're business. I just want you to know that we've been through a hell of a lot together, and I do consider you a friend. If you ever need anything, ya know you can always come to me."
His words meant so much to me, even if he did only see me as a friend. I tried real hard not to gaze into his gorgeous violet eyes, so I fixed my attention on the pendant he wore around his neck. However, Irvine reached forward and gently lifted my chin. I had no choice but to look him in the eyes.
"Irvine..." I sighed.
I could have told him everything right then and there, I was so captivated. Thankfully, I managed to hear the voice of reason telling me to keep my mouth shut. Now I just felt real awkward and worried that my eyes had revealed everything to Irvine. I quickly turned away from him, looking for a place to escape, but the smallness of my dorm made that impossible. Fortunately, Irvine turned to leave.
"Well, I'm glad there ain't any problems between us," Irvine cheerfully declared. "That's all I came here for! I'll be seein' ya around!" He waved at me as he exited my room.
As I once again flopped down onto my bed, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was ecstatic to hear that he actually liked me. Though, it made me feel like a pre-teen girly girl. My euphoria quickly died when I realized that I still could not hang out with him. My true feelings would probably come out in less than a day, and Irvine would be scared away forever.
