Title: I Am Lost

Summary: A moment from Sark's point of view. S/S Shippers Unite!

Disclaimer: Alias doesn't belong to me. It belongs to JJ and ABC and Bad Robot.

Pairing: Sydney/Sark

Type: Action/Romance

Time: While Sark is still working with Sydney at SD-6.

Sark's P.O.V.

I sit and I stare, it seems like all day. In meetings, at my desk, in my car. I am obsessed, and I know it, just like I was before. They are so similar, yet Sydney's my challenge. She is my equal. Irina abandoned me. She was always one step ahead, waiting for me to make my next mistake. I always thought I would forever be under Irina's spell, and then I met her daughter.

Sloane looks at her with some sort of semblance of love. He has no idea how to contain and mask his father-like feelings. He knows he is being betrayed yet he still believes she is just confused and angry. Maybe Sloane would even take back the hit on her fiance. He was the man she truly loved without the interminglings of her spy life. She let that other life, her dream, blow smoke in her eyes. Now she is better, more alive. She knows that old life is just a puff of mist, a breath from Fortune that has never favored her. She talks about living her life as a spy and how it is illusory. She is so naive to push back what she knows to be true, that the dream, the illusion, the very thing that she clings to will never be. She is so strange.

We walk past each other in the hallway. She acts like I am nothing to her. That will change.

"Miss Bristow, I would like to speak with you regarding a conversation we once had. Do you remember, in Paris, I told you I could relate to you some information about your mother?"

"Do you remember that we never had a conversation because nothing you could say to me would make a difference? You're a liar and a murderer and not of any interest to me."

That will change.

"So you don't want anything from me then. Well, you're right. What would you need me for since you have the source of the information herself?"

Sydney's eyes flicker that fire combined with that icy stare. It's a mark of death and a glimpse of fear together trapped in such color.

"What are you talking about Sark?"

I just can't help laughing. How can she stop thinking of me as a worthy opponent? Does she really think I am a problem that will go away because she tells me to?

After I chuckle, she lunges at me and pushes me into the women's restroom. She is so close to me with that glare. She bars the door with a garbage can and pulls her gun. I let her.

"Tell me everything you know. Now."

She is so excited. Her lips are so red, and everything about her is tense. She is so reactionary. Always letting her emotions get the better of her. They take over. That is why she holds onto the dream with such ferocity. Her emotions force her to. I just look at her. I can maintain my feelings. I can make her think she is meaningless to me, that she does not absorb my thoughts in any way but as an enemy that needs to be eliminated. She will never know unless I choose to let her.

"I said tell me, goddamn it!"

"Miss Bristow, really, is this the way you handle all the men in your life? By threatening them? I am not one of those men who will do as you say. I know many things about you because you interest me tremendously. I told you once that we could work together. The offer was a good one. Of course now, I seriously doubt some of your spy capabilities what with your decision to lock me in the women's restroom at SD-6 headquarters. It seems like a somewhat shortsighted plan, doesn't it."

There is a push at the door, which distracts her. She turns. It's all I need.

I pull my gun and cock it against her cheek. I take her gun away and put it behind my back. I grab her around the waist and whisper...

"You should trust me more. We still have a deal. I won't expose you, you won't expose me. We're already working together on some level Sydney. Now, get it together. If I can't toy with you, then who am I to focus all this winning charm on?"

That's when I don't see what's coming. Her vicious kick to my knee. I go down but manage to bring her with me. We spin each other around as she goes for her gun at my back. We're up again, each fighting to gain an edge on the other. Just then, the door begins to be pushed open with a little more force. I grab her hand before she can get to the gun. The garbage can moves forward. I pull her to me as I bring my finger to my lips.

"Shhh...Sydney. This is for humanity's sake. If you get caught, what will happen to the world's savior?"

She looks angry but trapped at the same time. I bring her arms around me. She resists at first until the door begins to open. I grab her at the waist and neck and lean into her. My lips meet hers. I pull her hair at the back of her head so she is moving with me in our spy dance. But I am lost in her kiss. She's not there emotionally. I can tell. She can't fool me. Why does she believe she can? I have always shown her that I am not to be forgotten or underestimated. My lips search for her despite my own intentions of just unnerving her. I am lost. I let my lips caress hers, and I try to pull her closer. I have stopped caring about our facades. I want to consume her and make her understand. I want her to be with me in this.

Someone came in for a moment. I saw it just for a second. The door closed behind her, Betty, Jackie, something. She looked embarassed. She may be the one who sits near Dixon, I'm not sure. She doesn't interest me. I've seen her though. Gossip, that will get to Sydney. At least I have that. I'm not sure Sydney knows that the danger has passed. She is leaning into my neck. Her breath reaches my ear as I try to stifle a small moan. Fuck it. I turn her around, and I can see the hatred. She is beginning to realize the danger may be gone, but before she can get her knee up, I push her against the wall and kiss her lightly on the cheek. I turn quickly hoping she did not see all the color in my face or the passion still blazing in my eyes. I give her her gun back.

"Don't attack me like that again Miss Bristow, or I may tell your precious handler."

She pulls the gun on me one more time. She still doesn't understand anything.

"Don't go looking into my life again, or I will kill you. Now stay the hell away from me."

She leaves, and I follow her out the door.

"I'll see you later then Sydney." I yell down the hall to her. She doesn't look back.

I think I may be losing it.