His Heart
"I love you Paul," I said as I wrapped my arms around the plum-head. I felt him stiffen but that didn't discourage me. It never does. We aren't officially dating. Nothing about us is ever official really. We don't have a label. We just ARE. I'm not sure that really makes sense, my friends certainly don't think so. They think I'm foolish for desperately throwing myself at a guy that won't love me back. What can I say? Love makes people desperate.
"Why do you keep coming back?" Ah, he finally speaks. His voice is cold and unmoving as always. Even still, I never stop hoping that he would eventually soften. I keep telling myself that he just needs time but everyone else said that if he did, he still wouldn't take two years.
However, that doesn't discourage me. I've always been optimistic and stubborn. This wouldn't be any different, "Why else? I told you that I love you," it's true. I did. I do. It's crazy because he currently didn't do anything for me to love him. I just do.
"No, you don't," here we go again. It's the same routine whenever I see him. I would proclaim my love and he would deny it. But I know that one of these days, I will crack his shell. He will realize my love and hopefully love me back. The latter seemed impossible so I'll just settle with him realizing my love.
"Yeah, I do."
"Prove it," that's different. I've never received that response from him before. I'm getting hopeful again.
"What do you want me to do?" My curiosity was killing me now. Truthfully speaking, I would do anything for him. If he asked me to jump off a bridge, I would. That's just how far my twisted love for him goes.
"Why do you love me?" I don't get it. Is this part of me proving it to him or is he just curious.
"There are no reasons," it's true. There aren't. I love many things about him but they're not why I love him.
"There has to be," he said with determination.
"Why?" Today is definitely different. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
"Tell me how you know you love me," once again, he didn't really answer my question. But he's talking more than usual so I'll just play along.
"I don't know if I can explain it. But I get excited whenever I see you and I find myself relating everything to you. Whenever I see purple, I think of you. Whenever I see Ash, I think of you. I also find myself searching for your purple hair in a crowd so I can see you," I'm not embarrassed by my proclamation for him. I've come to term about my feelings a long time ago.
"Oh," was his short response.
I felt my curiosity bubble again, "Why do you ask?"
"Because I think I love you too, Troublesome."
To say that I was surprised or excited was an understatement. I was on cloud-fucking-nine, "REALLY?"
"I'm not going to repeat myself," that's okay. I don't need him to. I felt his arms wrapped around me. Finally! I've been waiting years for that. It feels divine. He feels divine. After two years, the hugs are no longer one-sided. Honestly, he's never pushed me off but he's never hugged back before either. He's always been an empty shell of anger and hate.
"So how do you know that you love me?" I asked. I sounded cheeky but that's expected. I waited long enough. I wanted to know.
"Same as how you knew you loved me," this brought on some more happiness as I hugged him tighter. No way in hell is he ever going to escape me now.
"So you search for my blue hair in a crowd?" He grunted, which I took as a "yes" since I knew that's as close to a "yes" as he's going to get.
That's pretty much how our "relationship" started. Of course, it was not conventional or typical. When was it ever? We barely ever go out on dates, he never said "I love you" ever after that, not even "I like you." It didn't affect me much because I knew he wasn't vocal with his feelings. I know that I definitely made up for his lack of affection because I would tell him that I loved him every hour of the day.
That's probably why things went downhill. In the beginning, he would genuinely smile whenever I tell him that I loved him. He never smiles, to me, it was better than him saying it back because I know that he's not lying. Then, eventually, he just stops acknowledging it. Whenever I say that I loved him, he wouldn't even bat an eyelash. That still didn't get me down because he's still with me, to me, that's enough proof that he still loves me. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
We've "dated" for eight months; we took it slow, really slow. Like I said, we didn't go on many dates and if we did, it was just a stroll along the park or something. It was never a typical date. We never held hands, we never kissed. I knew that if I came on too strong, he would revert back to his shell so I didn't want to push him. We don't go on dates but we hang out, we talk. Technically, it's more like I talk and he listens and sometimes respond. We normally just sit on the couch. His arm would be around me and my head would be on his shoulder. So many times I've wanted to kiss him. So many times I've wanted to hold his hand while strolling. I'm afraid of him pushing me away.
Perhaps I've given him too much space because before I knew it, I was feeling insecure. Normally, I would bug a person until I get the response and assurance I needed, but with Paul, I knew that if I pushed him, he would crack. I didn't want this "thing" between us to break apart. Eventually, I couldn't help it.
We were sitting on the couch, again. I turned to look at him, "Paul, I love you." He looks right back at me with those piercing onyx eyes. He doesn't respond nor does he move. He just keeps looking at me. I guess something in me finally snapped, "You don't ever respond to me anymore. You don't smile whenever I tell you that I loved you. You don't even acknowledge it!" Again, he just keeps staring at me with those dark eyes. It gives away nothing. I can't read this guy at all. It frustrates me to no end, "I know you don't like being vocal but sometimes, I just want be assured that I'm still loved. I thought I could stand it if you don't tell me that you loved me but I can't. We don't ever do anything that makes me feel like you still love me, or even like me."
I was breathing hard by the time I finished, he still hasn't moved at all. Finally, he spoke, "I knew something like this was going to happen."
I was confused and I think it showed on my face, "What?"
However, he continued, "I knew from the very beginning that this was going to happen," by then, his arms were no longer around me. I felt vulnerable and naked without his warmth.
However, I saw red and pain, "THEN, TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. TELL ME WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY."
He gave me one of the blankest stares ever. If I thought his regular stares were empty, then this is a hundred times worse. I felt pain choking my heart. Was it supposed to hurt this much? He sighed, "What do you want from me, Troublesome?"
I glared at him, "I told you. I want you to tell me that you love me, I want your heart. I want us to be a regular couple. I want to go on dates. I want to hold hands. I want to kiss. I want to do that and so much more."
He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair, "I can't give you all of that. Let's pretend I didn't say those words back then."
Again, I was confused. His words are puzzling. Does he mean that he wants to pretend he didn't ask me what I wanted from him? Is he ending our first "fight?" Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He's asking me to pretend that he never told me that he loved me. My heart didn't break, it didn't tear in half. No, instead, it fucking caught on fire. I felt my body temperature go up. This was not going to be good, "NO. I CAN'T DO THAT. I live without you, pretending that you never told me that you loved me. I can't live my life pretending that the happiest day of my life never happened. I really can't."
"Hate me."
"WHAT? I CAN'T HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH. Can't you see? I threw away the most important thing to me, my pride to tell you that I loved you every day. Don't take it away from me. Don't take the happiest day of my life away from me," by this time, I was bawling on the ground. I don't know when or how I got on the ground but I didn't care.
"HATE ME!" his voice frightened me. He has never yelled before. I've never heard him raise his voice. I didn't even know it was possible. I stared up at him with wide eyes. He looked at me again. Then, he walked out of the door, and possibly out of my life. If my heart felt like it was on fire before, now it feels like it's being incinerated but instead of it being painless and quick, it's like a continuous process. It's like my heart just won't die. I think I know how Prometheus feels now.
Then, my breathing got harder. I've heard stories of heartbreak before but I don't think this is supposed to happen. I found myself gasping for breath. My heart hurts so badly. I feel myself getting tired and starting to lose consciousness.
"DAWN! I'm home!" my mom said happily. I couldn't find the breath to respond to her, "Dawn?" I heard her walking into the living room where I was. It wasn't long until she found me on the floor in a clutching my heart, "DAWN!" She rushed towards me and grabbed me forcefully, yet gently at the same time. I'm not sure how that's possible but mothers can make the most impossible task possible. I looked up at her as I started to lose consciousness. The last thing I heard was her calling out my name.
I woke up staring at a white ceiling, in a white room with white walls and white curtains. Every fucking thing in here is white. I blinked a couple of things trying to adjust my eyes to the WHITENESS. When I felt comfortable enough, I looked around the room. Of course, everything was white. However, judging by the furniture, if I could call it that, this was a hospital room. It is a very private hospital room. I know that only the very rich and the very severely injured use these rooms. I panicked. Our family may not be poor, but my mom would not specifically have such a private hospital room for me just because we can afford it. We're not snobby like that. I knew that something was wrong.
Finally, someone walked in; I'm assuming it's a nurse by her outfit. "Ah, Miss Berlitz, you're awake."
"Indeed, I am," I replied sarcastically. Suddenly, I realized how rude that sounded, "Wait, I'm sorry. I take that back. That was rude. I'm just a bit disorientated."
The nurse smiled, "It's no problem. I've dealt with grouchier patients before."
I giggled a little, "Yeah well I've dealt with a very grouchy person. In fact, my boyfri-" suddenly a pang of hurt went through me, "ex-boyfriend was grouchy and rude."
Thankfully, the nurse sensed my discomfort and simply smiled, "Ah."
I decided to change the subject before the awkwardness sets in, "Wait; why am I here? What's wrong with me?"
The nurse had a look of pity before responding, "I don't think I should be the one to tell you. We'll wait until your mother comes back. She's downstairs getting some coffee. She's been so worried about you."
I accepted the answer but then I had another question, "How long was I out?"
"Two days."
I freaked out, "TWO DAYS?"
The nurse got a little bit worried, I wouldn't blame her, "Miss Berlitz, please calm down a little bit. It's going to be okay. We'll explain the details when your mother comes back and then I'll call the doctor so she can specifically explain it to you."
I realized that I was making the lady's job harder for her so I calmed down a bit and smiled meekly at her, "Sorry, I tend to freak out faster than I should."
She smiled back, "It's alright."
I realized that I didn't even know her name, "What is your name if you don't mind asking so I would know who to call for."
Her eyes widened a bit, "OH! Silly me, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Veronica, your main nurse. You'll have other nurses but you'll probably see me the most often."
Well, if I was stuck in the hospital, I'm glad that my nurse is an agreeable one, "Alright, Veronica, you can call me Dawn. Save the formalities for my mother."
Veronica giggled at this, "Actually, your mother insist that I call her Johanna."
I sighed, "That's my mom for you." We both burst out laughing.
Speaking of the devil, my mom opens the door and walks in, "DAWN! You're awake!" She rushed over to hug me tightly. I felt like I couldn't breathe so thankfully she let go of me quickly. "How do you feel, honey?"
I shrugged, "A little bit disorientated but I think I'll be okay."
"I hope so," she said slowly.
Something about her tone set off warning bells in my head, "Mom is there something wrong with me?"
She looked at me with wide eyes, "No darling! There's nothing wrong with you! NEVER think that, okay?"
I looked at her weirdly, "Alright mom." Then, I looked around the room. I realized that Veronica already left. She probably went to get that doctor now that my mom came back.
Soon enough, there was a knock at our door, "Come in!" my mom said loudly so they could hear. Veronica stepped in with another lady, a slightly older lady with dark brown hair.
She looked at me and then stuck out her hand, "Hi Dawn, I'm Michelle, your doctor."
I shook her hand, "Hello. Now that we're all here, can you guys enlighten me a little?"
Veronica and my mom exchanged looks; they were obviously uncomfortable and didn't know how to break the news to me. However, they didn't have to, Michelle did, "You have a hole in your heart, Dawn."
I bet my eyes almost popped out of their sockets as I stared back at the doctor, "WHAT?"
She continued explaining, she must go through this a lot, "You collapsed because your heart was being overworked due to your adrenaline. Can you tell us why you were in shambles when your mother found you? Was there something that triggered it or did it just happen?"
I averted my gaze to my hands and muttered softly, "Paul broke up with me."
Although it was soft, I knew that they all heard it, Michelle and Veronica didn't know who Paul was but I'm pretty sure they could figure it out. However, my mother was livid, "HE DID WHAT?"
I looked back at her, the tears threatening to fall, "He broke up with me. He said that he knew we wouldn't work out."
My mother's gaze suddenly softened, she knew that she can kill my ex-boyfriend later but right now, her priority was comforting me. "Oh, Dawn. You know I'm here for you even if that good for nothing jerk isn't," she wrapped her arms around me and I cried into her shoulder. Sometimes, I need a little of motherly love.
After what seemed like hours but was really five minutes, I looked up from my embrace and asked the doctor, "So what now?"
She seemed relieved that we're finally acknowledging them, "Well now, our tests show that it's not very serious. It seemed that you had an emotional breakdown from your break-up which caused the heart to work overload due to the adrenaline. We can fix it without having to do a transplant but that is only if we prepare for surgery right away."
I nodded at her answer, "Is there a percentage of failure?"
Although Michelle had on the perfect pokerface, her eyes held pity, "There is a 5% chance of death and a 20% chance of failure but not resulting in death."
I was curious, "What do you mean 20% chance of failure but not death?"
She seemed relieved that I decided to ask her about the "not death" part of my risks, "It means that we will be unable to patch up the hole but you will not die. You will just need a transplant later."
I nodded again, 5% chance of death wasn't high. I knew that if I waited any longer, that risk would increase, "When can we schedule the surgery?"
Michelle nodded, "We can have it as soon as next week. We need to contact all the surgeons and the crew to make sure that they are all prepared."
I smiled at her, "Thanks." Michelle and Veronica both nodded and smiled at me before walking out the door to give me some privacy with my mom.
My mom has always looked young to me, she's always been joyful and optimistic but right now, I felt like she's aged 10 years. She suddenly seemed tired and disheartened. "Mom, it's going to be okay. It's only a 5% chance. If God wants me to die that much then I will regardless of the percentage."
I guess I said the wrong thing because my mom burst out in tears and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt my heart hurt at the sight of her but it was different from that flaming feeling, this is emotional pain. I patted my mom's head and soothed her like I would with someone younger than me. Finally, she calmed down enough to look at me and said, "Dawn, your father had the same heart condition."
I was taken back; she's never spoken of my dad before. She told me that he died before I turned one. I never asked her how or why because the pain on her face was too much for me to bear. However, she continued, "his condition was better than yours since they found it during his medical check-ups. It was dormant, it didn't hinder his life. In fact, he didn't even know it was there. But being the perfectionist and paranoid person he was, he decided to undergo surgery. They recommended it to him because it might act up since he was aging. He only had a 1% chance of dying. Sadly, he was that 1%."
I was speechless but once again, my curiosity got the better of me, "Do you not want me to go through with surgery?"
She looked stunned, "Of course I don't but I know you have to. Unlike your father, your condition isn't dormant anymore. You have to do this. Just be strong for me, and for your father."
I wanted to cry but I was drained of tears for the day so I just nodded, "I will, mom. I will."
The days passed by in a blur. My friends all came to visit me, Ash and Misty came from Pallet Town, they brought Gary and Leaf whom I only saw a couple of times but we bonded well. May and Drew came from Hoenn. Kenny and Zoey also visited me. Then, there were only 2 days left until my surgery. I felt apprehension and I felt like my life isn't complete if I died in surgery now. Then, it hit me. I knew why it wouldn't. I asked for permission to leave the hospital for the day and come back in the morning. My mom was surprised but she didn't ask why. They granted me permission.
Before I knew it, my legs were carrying me to HIS house, the house that he lives in alone since Reggie is on vacation with Maylene. I knocked and he answered the door. He was somewhat surprised to see me but I guess at the same time, he wasn't. He just knew I was coming back despite him pushing me away. He just doesn't know why I was coming back. Before he could say anything, I pushed him inside and closed the door quickly. He stumbled back before reaching a wall and started to straighten himself when I marched my way to him and pulled him down for a kiss. It wasn't sweet or tender. It was passionate and full of emotions. It's funny that our first kiss would be so reckless but I didn't care. There are things that I want to do in case I do die and this is one of them. At first he didn't respond, he just stood still but soon enough, his male hormones kicked in and he took over. He kissed back with just as much ferocity. Before we knew it, he was leading me up the stairs to his bedroom. We didn't exchange any coherent words. We just spoke in the midst of our lust. My first time was not painless but it wasn't supposed to be. Like our first kiss, it wasn't gentle. It was passionate and explosive. It was amazing. I knew that I could go through with surgery now.
In the morning, I got up earlier than he did. I looked over at the peaceful plum-head before getting dressed. He looked innocent in his sleep. I rather like that side of him. I kissed his forehead as I leave. He's probably a really deep sleeper. I'm actually surprised that he has that trait, I kind of expected Paul to be on alert 24/7 but I guess he's just balancing out his overly alert self in his sleep.
I called a taxi to get me to the hospital and I guess I arrived just in time because I bumped into Michelle outside my doorway. She was just about to head in to start preparing me. I walked in to find all my friends there with tons of flowers and balloons. Now, I know flowers don't come cheap so I was surprised to see so many. "How did you guys afford all of these flowers?" I said as I was on the brink of tears. I have the most amazing friends ever. I know that I will have to fight for them.
Drew stepped up and flicked his chartreuse hair, "My mom loves flowers so she has a flower shop."
I was surprised that it was Drew that arranged all of them, "But I thought you guys didn't need to work, you're rich."
He smirked at me, May was right, that guy's face will be permanently stuck as a smirk if he continues to do that, "Yeah well, like I said, it's her hobby."
I started crying, I ran up to my friends and hugged all of them as a group and then individually. Needless to say, it took a bit of time but I was okay with it. "Alright now, you guys have to wait outside while we prep her," Michelle interjected. We all groaned but knew it was inevitable. They all kissed me on the cheek on their way out. I guess it's their sort of good luck charm. My mom was the last person to leave. She hugged me for a good minute and then kissed my forehead. I could do this, I will do this.
Michelle had me change my clothes into the gross hospital wear. I guess having surgery is the one time I can't look fabulous. Then, she led me to the surgery room and gave me a billion of prep shots. I didn't bother to ask what they were. They were probably painkillers or something. Then, the crew of surgeons came in. They had me lie down and the anesthesiologist asked me to count to five after sticking in a needle. I didn't even make it to four.
"I hope she'll okay," Ash said as he held hands with Misty and Leaf. Everyone was holding hands; it was a sort of prayer for Dawn. Gary was at the beginning of the chain, he held hands with Leaf who held hands with Ash which lead to Misty, then Drew, then May, then Kenny, then Zoey, and finally Johanna. They were told that the surgery would take about 3 hours, it has already been 2.
"My baby is a strong young woman. She WILL make it out there alive," Johanna said with determination and she recalled the times where Dawn would say, "No need to worry!" Sadly, that wasn't helping her nerves since she worried the most when Dawn says that.
I woke up to an empty bed. If I didn't know better, I would assume that last night was just a really good wet dream but I had the scratch marks on my back to prove otherwise. I was disheartened that she left. However, last night proved to me that I needed her as much as she claimed she needed me. I got out of bed and showered quickly before heading to her house and apologizing to her. I thought about getting flowers and chocolate but decided it was too sappy. I quickly jogged over to her house only to find nobody home. I felt slightly annoyed that she wasn't home when I finally wanted to apologized.
However, a voice broke me from my trance, "Are you looking for the Berlitz's?"
I swiveled around to see Dawn's neighbor talking to me, "Yeah, I'm looking for Dawn. Do you know where she is?"
A look of pity and sadness overcame the elderly lady and I was sincerely afraid of the bad news she would bring, "Well, I don't know the details but I believe Dawn is in the middle of surgery right now. They said that she has a heart condition that is potentially life-threatening."
I immediately started running; I didn't even thank the elderly lady. Right now, my mind was on Dawn and how stupid she was for not telling me. Then, I realized that she probably thought I didn't care. I was frustrated and hurt at the same time. I didn't even know which hospital she was in. However, since my brother is a Pokémon breeder, I knew of only one hospital that does heart surgery. I reached the main road, I decided to hail a taxi and get there faster. I suddenly asked the directory people where Dawn Berlitz was having her surgery. They told me and I bolted for the stairs, not even bothering with the elevator. It was 5 floors but I knew I could get there faster than if I waited for the slow ass elevator. I reached the fifth floor in record time and ran down the complicated halls. I knew I was in the right place when I saw all of her friends, including the stupid Ash and her mother.
They all turned to look at me, "PAUL?" they cried simultaneously.
I ignored their outburst, "How is she?"
Everyone was speechless and I was getting impatient, finally Johanna spoke up, "She's still in surgery. You have no right to be here. Did she tell you?" Her voice was filled with hate, I don't blame her.
I looked down, "No she didn't. I went to look for her today and your neighbor told me she was here."
Johanna looked furious, "THEN, LEAVE! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY SHE'S LIKE THIS!"
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. I guess my mouth moved faster than my brain, "I can't leave. I love her."
Johanna softened her voice but it was still filled with hate, "No, you don't love her. If you did, she wouldn't be like this right now."
My head jerked up, "What do you mean?"
If I thought that she sounded hateful earlier, she's completely venomous now, "When you broke up with her, her dormant heart condition flared because she had a panic attack. Her heart worked on overload and the hole in her heart caused her to have difficulty breathing. After you left the house, she collapsed. Luckily, I came home on time or she would've been dead already!"
Her words cut me like a knife. The girl that I claimed to love is in this because my dumb ass was unable to tell her how I feel in the moment of heat. I took flight instead of staying to fight. Now she's suffering the emotional backlash of my decisions. Then, I did what I didn't think I was able to do. I cried. Actually, crying is an understatement. I sobbed. If her friends were stunned earlier, they sure as hell were frozen now. I collapsed to the floor and just sat with my arms around my knees and sobbed. Suddenly, the surgery light went off and everyone stood to look at the doorway. They expected Dawn to be wheeled out but that never happened. Instead, one of the doctors that everyone called "Michelle," came and said, "I'm sorry… we did all that we could."
Johanna burst into tears as did all of her friends. However, I was done crying. I didn't have many tears left. I still had a speck of hope though, "THAT'S IT? There's all that you can do?"
Michelle looked as uncomfortable as a person could get, "Well… we were hoping that if the surgery was a failure, we could at least save her life but we can't. The hole is going to kill her soon if we don't get a transplant in the next 10 hours."
That's it. That's my speck of hope, "SO DO IT! GET THE TRANSPLANT!"
She didn't look any more hopeful, "We can't. We don't have a heart to give to her."
I woke up groggily. Again, all I saw was white. I think I hate the color white now. I blinked a couple of times to get my vision to focus. All around me were my friends and my mom. They were all looking at me with tears in their eyes and smiles on their lips. It was the warmest feeling I've ever received.
"Hello, Angel," my mom said softly as she stroked my hair.
"What happened? Was the surgery successful?" I asked timidly.
My mom's smile was sad, "Yes, it did. You're all better now. You have a new heart and everything."
My eyes widened in shock, "WHAT?"
Suddenly, everyone was looking at each other uncomfortably. I knew that the news was not going to be pleasant. Suddenly, my mom handed me a note. Everyone shuffled out of the room before I even opened it. I guess it's something I should read in private.
Dear Troublesome,
Why am I not surprised you got into trouble again? Don't you know that whenever you do, my heart would panic alongside with me? You wanted someone that would tell you that they loved you every day; I want to, I really do but I can't. My brain tells me to do it but my mouth doesn't move. You want someone to take you out on dates, trust me, I want to do that too but I can't bring myself to ask you. I've always assumed you were the type of person that would naturally drag me with you. However, you always seemed so careful around me, it's like you're afraid of saying the wrong thing and having me walk out on you. I guess in a way, I did live up to that. You said you wanted to kiss like a regular couple, trust me, I do too. But I could never initiate anything like that. I'm glad that we did kiss. It was magical.
I'm glad that we got to do all of those things before I left. Wait, don't freak out just yet. Keep reading. I have a lot more to say. I didn't realize that writing would be easier than speaking. If I had known, then I would've written letters to you instead. Actually, there's something I want you to see. I'll attach my key to this letter, when you recover, go to my bedroom and look under the mattress, directly under my pillow. Maybe that will help you. Anyway, you said you wanted my heart. You just didn't know that you've always had it so in order to remind you, now you physically have it. Before you blame yourself because I know you will, just keep in mind that if you had died, I would've died alongside with you. Trust me on that. So live a long and healthy life, okay? I will see you when you are old enough to pass on. Let my heart be a reason for you to stay alive.
Love,
Paul
My heart, no HIS heart clenched in pain as I clutched the piece of paper against it. I broke out in sobs and screamed his name at the top of my lungs. I told him that my life was incomplete without him. Through my tears, I saw the gleam of a silver knife that was resting against some peaches.
Author's Note: I completely suck at angst but hey, I tried. I am thinking of having another chapter, a short epilogue if anyone wants that. I'm not too sure. I always need closure after angst. Well review and tell me if you think I should or should I just stay. Thanks for reading! (:
