Arthur's Tiny Christmas
Author's note: We suggest reading the 2 parts of Arthur's Party Disaster and watching Arthur's Perfect Christmas on YouTube before reading this. You'll still understand the story if you don't, but it'll be better if you do. P.S. Say Irish Wristwatch. We dare ya.
The
living room was in tatters and there was a clup of senile on the
carpet, as Arthur finished up with Rory, his uncle's dog.
"Thanks
Rory. I needed that." Arthur said as he patted Rory on the rump. He
has just lost his virginity to the dog and was proud of it. Rory was
panting heavily as he lay spent on the carpet. Grandma Thora crept in
silently, not noticing Arthur on all fours romping around Rory.
She sighed. "Senile on the carpet. I guess no one wants it." She took her handy spork out of her pocket and slowly but surely began to gulp the gummy stuff off of the carpet.
"Arthur! Mom!" Mr.
Read shrilly yelled, "Come into the kitchen! We have to discuss the
meal!" Arthur's dad had just been to the vet and had his cone and
stitches removed, despite the fact he was still missing 1-½
testicles and that they occasionally fell off, he was in a good mood.
Once everyone was in the kitchen, Arthur's dad explained his
master plan.
"This Christmas I've decided that we should have
the traditional meal that they may have had in Bethlehem." He
paused for dramatic effect. "We're going to be having camel feces
with a side of burnt hay and cow pie for desert." Everyone except
Arthur seemed to think that this was a good idea. Arthur made that
whiney noise that only aardvarks can make as he said
"But I
wanted parsley!"
"Sorry Arthur, but in these troubling
economic times we just can't afford that." Dad said.
Arthur
quickly became angry and shriveled "I can smell your
cunt!!"
"Don't you be going all Multiple Miggs on me!"
Arthur's mom shriveled back "And besides, is that parsley in your
pocket or are you just happy to see me?" She said this last part
surprisingly seductively and the whole family laughed at Arthur's
not-so-obvious arousal.
"I can't help it!" sniveled Arthur
as he timidly ran to his room.
DW quickly followed
him waving a pen and paper in her hand as she
yelled
"Arthuuuuuuurrrrrr! You have to help me write my
Christmas list! It's not like I'm four and should already know
how to read and write or anything!! I want Tina the Talking Tampon
for Christmas!!!! It's really important that I get it now!" she
called in her insanely high-pitched squeal. Arthur could not
understand this as 2nd graders do not take FLE and
kindergartners do. DW stood quivering at the bottom of the stairs.
She would explode if she did not get Tina the Talking Tampon soon. It
would not be pretty.
The Next Morning
Arthur woke up, full of Christmas spirit…and urine. He jimmied the bathroom door open as he mashed his eyelids together rapidly. He dramatically lifted up the toilet seat and unzipped his pants. Meanwhile, DW had also awoken full of even more Christmas spirit and urine than Arthur had. After kicking Pal down the stairs, as was her holiday tradition, she raced to the bathroom and blew the door down with a gust of unsanitary wind. Unfortunately, Arthur had just begun his morning pee ritual. If undisturbed, he could go on with it for a good half hour. DW stared in horror as Arthur's manhood was on full display. Suddenly, as if previously planned, the entire Read family popped out of nowhere and burst into song, pointing and dancing as they sang to the tune of Tina the Talking Tampon:
"TINY TINY TINY PENIS! TINY TINY TINY PENIS!!"
He stood mortified as his family taunted his least noticeable feature.
Arthur scurried out of the bathroom, his manhood agape, as his family continued, gaily singing their song. He pulled out his miniature Swiss army knife, which was still bigger than his manhood, but it would have to do. The knife was poised over his "small potatoes" as he squinted to take a last look. He was following his father's footsteps.
Nob
(This means cliffhanger)
