Somehow, this popped up in my head. This is an AU where the Baudelaire's and the Quagmire's have (sort of) switched. Takes place during A Slippery Slope. Please enjoy!

OoOoOo

"I don't think this day can get any worse," muttered Quigley Quagmire miserably. He was currently lying face-up in the slow, wearing nothing more than a thin cotton sweater and a pair of jeans. Although, the cold was the farthest thing from his mind at the moment as he thought about the dire situation he was in.

His sister Isadora Quagmire held out a hand to help him up. "We've been in worse situations than this, Quig," she reminded him. "Remeber Marian and her wife? You nearly tripped into the fire. I think that's way worse than what just happened."

Quigley grimaced. "But we lost Duncan," he shot back. "If we can't even protect each other, what good are we?"

The two triplets had barely jumped out of the hurtling caravan in time before it toppled off the mountain. Of course, they would not have had to had it not been for one woman.

Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor. The siblings had been sent to live with her when their parents perished in a terrible fire along with their home. What had seemed like a comfortable (if not a tad bit excessive) had revealed itself to be a nightmare in disguise. They had been forced to clean the enormous penthouse apartment from top to bottom every day, she had struck Isadora across her face.

But worse of all was that the vile woman had attempted to marry Quigley in an effort to seize control of their large inheritance; the Quagmire Sapphires. The sapphires were stowed away in the bank until the triplets turned eighteen and were extremely valuable. However, by marrying Quigley, Esmé would have gained control of the entire fortune.

Luckily, Duncan and Isadora had been able to expose Esmé's plot, via the journal that the villainous woman had kept. They detailed every step of her plan, even highlighting the abuse and torment she had put the triplets through.

Ever since then, Duncan, Quigley, and Isadora had been unable to escape Esmé. She seemed to follow them wherever they went. She killed guardian after guardian, hunting them down and never relenting until she got ahold of their fortune. And when she had revealed Count Olaf (one of their former guardians) as her boyfriend, things just got worse. He was as evil and conniving as she was.

It had been absolute hell. But this was by far the worse thing that had ever happened to the triplets. They were separated and their brother was in the hands of the awful and evil Esmé Squalor and the villainous Count Olaf.

Quigley took his sister's hand and stood to his feet. "I guess we should start walking," he said. They couldn't waste time, not with their brother's life on the line. He began to move forward, his sister as his side.

"Olivia said that the survivor of the fire would be at the V.F.D. headquarters here," Isadora reminded him. "That could be Mother or Father. I think we should try to find them. Can you remember anything from the map?"

Maps, of course, were Quigley's specialty. However, he hadn't been able to study the map that Olivia had shown them, not before Esmé had burned down the carnival. Still, he did remember a few things. "This is the only road up the mountain," he told his sister. "If we follow it, we should be able to catch up with Esmé soon."

Isadora lowered her head slightly. "I can't believe we let this happen," she muttered miserably. "We should have been keeping a better eye on him."

Their brother was a bit... softer than his siblings. While Quigley and Isadora would spend their time outside (the latter often finding inspiration for her poetry from the world around her), he would always be inside either writing or reading. He was the 'nerd' between the three of them, the sensitive one. Of course, the other two didn't care so much; they loved their brother no matter what.

"Esmé won't hurt him," Quigley assured her. "She needs him to get our sapphires. As long as she thinks you and I are dead, he's safe for now."

His sister gave him a slightly cold look. "You and I both know that no one is ever safe around Esmé," she snapped. "We never thought that she would murder Uncle Harold or Aunt Kelly either, but she did. And maybe she can't kill him, but she can certainly hurt him. What if she tries to marry him as she did you?"

Quigley went rigid at the reminder; Esmé attempting to wed him had to be one of the most unpleasant memories he had. Just the thought of spending the rest of his life with that woman made him sick to his stomach. And it wasn't as if Esmé had been a gentle or loving bride-to-be...

Isadora, apparently, caught her mistake. "I'm sorry!" she blurted. "I didn't mean to- God, Quig, I'm sorry."

He quickly shook the memories out of his head. "It's fine," he told her. He knew that his sister didn't mean anything by it; she was as stressed as he was. "But you are right. Duncan won't be safe until we're all together again."

There was a tense silence between them for a while as they walked and Quigley was left alone to his thoughts. Esmé had Duncan in her clutches. She had Count Olaf and his acting troupe and the two triplets were horribly outnumbered. But she also thought he and Isadora were dead. Maybe they could use that to their advantage...

"We're at a crossroads," stated Isadora suddenly. The triplets came to a stop.

Quigley titled his head. "I... think it's more of a fork," he corrected her. Indeed, there was a fork in the road. There were to paths available for them to take, each leading to different places.

Isadora sighed at him. "I didn't mean that literally. I meant that we have to find which direction to go."

"Oh."

His sister shook her head before wiping a bit of snow off of both signs. "The Valley of Four Drafts," she read, gesturing to the sign pointing right. "V.F.D. This is where the headquarters is."

Quigley was about to comment on this when something caught his eye on the left road. "A bottle of sarsaparilla," he noticed. "There's some left and it's not frozen solid. That means it was just thrown by someone who doesn't care about littering. Count Olaf's this way, which means Esmé is too."

Isadora gave a soft hum. "Well, if we go to V.F.D., we can get help from other volunteers," she pointed out. "They can help us save Duncan."

"But Duncan's in danger right now," retorted Quigley. "We don't have time to search for the headquarters."

"Mother or Father might be there, Quigley!" Isadora shot back. "If we find them, they can help us. They can fix everything!"

His sister was being hopeful. She was hoping that their parents were alive so that everything could go back to how it was. She wanted their parents to handle everything like they used to.

But nothing was like it used to be. Even if their parents were alive, they couldn't depend on them. Not with all the secrets they had kept. In their time as orphans, the Quagmire's had learned that they could only depend on themselves and each other.

"If we do find Mother and Father," began Quigley quietly. "are you going to be able to look them in the eye and tell them that we lost our brother? That we didn't protect him?"

Silence.

Quigley sighed, standing on his path. "I think we should follow Esmé and Count Olaf."

Isadora stood on hers. "And I think we should go to V.F.D."

Quigley was about to tell her how stubborn and ridiculous she was being when a faint buzzing filled his eardrums. Looking up, he was able to spot a swarm of large, black gnats. "What... are those?" he asked his sister. They buzzed loudly and angrily as if they were going to attack at any moment.

Isadora was equally puzzled. "I have no idea," she stated plainly.

He looked at her. "Well, dear sister, I think we both know the best direction to go is away from those things."

She nodded. "I couldn't agree more, brother of mine."

With that, the two Quagmire triplets turned and ran as fast as they could in the other direction, flailing their arms as to not get stung by the insects.

OoOoOo

Eventually, the two came upon a secluded cave. The gnats, they noticed, stopped at the entrance and promptly flew away. "They're gone," observed Isadora. "I wonder why."

Quigley peered inside the cave. "Perhaps there's something in there that scares them," he suggested. Though, if there was something that frightened giant, killer nats, he didn't know how much better the two of them would fare. It was then that the boy could make out the silhouette of very familiar curls. "Oh no..." This was the absolute last thing they needed.

"Hello, cakesniffers," greeted a very familiar, evil girl dressed head-to-toe in pink.

Why did the universe hate them?

"Carmelita Spats," grounded out Isadora. Somehow, his sister detested the other girl even more than he did. He didn't even know how it was possible.

"Carmelita?" asked the snow scout leader, coming up behind the horrible little girl.

"They're in our cave," said the ginger girl irritably. "So, obviously, they're cakesniffers." Realization flashed across her face as she smirked maliciously. "Wait... you're those orphans from Prufrock Prep who lost your home in a fire and then Vice Prince-y expelled you."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Quigley quickly. "What's Prufrock Prep?"

Isadora, however, glared harshly. "We weren't expelled," she snapped.

It was as if she had suddenly forgotten that they were criminals on the run, wanted for crimes that they did not commit. God, he wished Duncan was with them.

"I knew it!" proclaimed Carmelita loudly. "You're the Quagmire's!"

"I hope not!" the scout leader exclaimed. "I read about those terrible children in the Daily Punctilio! It says that they're murderers and arsonists! They started that enormous fire that's still raging across the Hinterlands!"

Quigley resisted the urge to insist on their innocence. "Well, then it's a good thing that we aren't them," he interjected. "We're, um..." He looked to his sister for help.

"Mountain climbers," Isadora finished for him. "Just your average mountain climbers."

"We're looking for our brother," Quigley added. "He looks just like us and he's being held captive by dangerous-looking people. Have you seen him?"

"Well, we haven't seen anyone," the scout leader told them. "We've been in this cave, hiding from snow gnats. But we do have a map on the mountains that you can consult."

"No!" snapped Carmelita. "No! Scout Master Brucie, this cave is for snow scouts only!" She began to stomp her foot like the brat she was. "And they're obviously the Quagmire's, just look at their little orphan faces!"

"Now Carmelita," chided Brucie. "Us snow scouts should be accommodating. It's the first word of our pledge."

"We're accommodating to non-cakesniffers with rich, living parents!" insisted Carmelita. "After all, Troop 113 is the most exclusive, isn't it, Brucie?"

Brucie looked down miserably. "I have to carry their luggage," she murmured.

"It's designer," Carmelita added gleefully.

"Well, I think anyone with two working legs ought to carry their own luggage, Carmelita Spats," a voice interjected. The triplets turned to see someone about their height dressed in plain, brown snow gear. Their gender was completely concealed, but from the sound of their voice, they were a girl not much older than them. She turned to the siblings. "Why don't you join us by the fire? We have more than enough parkas and snowsuits if you're cold. Extra masks, too."

"Why would we want masks?" asked Quigley.

"If you're outside, they keep the snow gnats away," Brucie informed them.

"Not only that," said the masked person. "But it can make for a Very Furtive Disguise."

Quigley and Isadora looked at each other. V.F.D.

OoOoOo

This story won't be too long. Maybe three or four chapters? Anyway, I hope you liked it and please review!