I had to be out of my mind. We had to be out of our minds. There must've been some strange thing that had compelled us to do that; something that had nothing to do with us. Maybe the earth had a spasm and no one else but us were affected. Maybe I had taken some medicine that just made me not sane for just a small sliver of time.

There was no way that we did that sanely. We had to have been out of our minds.

I can't accept what happened, I can't even picture it in my mind. The thought is so revolting and what we did . . . it was just wrong. So many guys at our school had done it, sure. But us . . . us. There is no way that we did that! We were out of our minds! Out of our minds.

How many times must I repeat that in my mind to get it imprinted in there?

I hate that there is that small thought that I keep pushing back and back, further and further into the back of my mind so I just don't think about it. The two thoughts are battling right now and I don't want that other thought to come out on top! It has to die. It can't be right! There was just no possible way.

This was going to keep me up all night, I knew it. I would keep thinking about it forever until I settle it but it'll never be settled. Never will I talk about it. Never. It won't be brought up in conversations because, get real, who the hell would want to talk about it? Not me. Nor him.

Him. Yes, him. The guy that I had always envied for everything the person that I could never get away from, not in a million years. If I were to move away I would know that I would end up staying in touch with him whether I wanted to or not. It was just a quality of him that affected everyone. You just couldn't say no to him. It was impossible. The laws of the world just wouldn't allow it.

There was no way you could say no to Phineas.

I cringed at the name as I spoke it in my mind. The thought that I wanted to go away just made a slash at my attempts to mask it.

I feel like a mad man the way I'm thinking. I just feel so crazy. Ah, yes, a reason why my explanation made sense. We were crazy. Crazy people do crazy things

. . . when they're in love. . .

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. It's winning. It's winning and I don't like it. The thought is getting stronger, stronger than I want it to be. I want it to go away. Just go away and never come back. I try to banish it from my mind but it won't. It just won't.

The door to my room opened and in walked Brinker. It was always Brinker who'd come in when I didn't want him to. When I didn't need someone antagonizing me, he'd be there. It was like he had psychological senses that told him to come to me, wherever I was, because I was vulnerable to ridicule.

"Hello." I greeted in the friendliest manner I could manage. He looked at me strangely but the look faded away after a few seconds.

. . . It was just a few seconds. . .

The thought was able to make another move and that one hurt. I wanted to cringe but I couldn't because Brinker was here and if I were to cringe, he would never leave me alone until I told him what had pained me just then.

"Hi." He greeted back. I noticed his eyes looked a bit distance. Was this visit just to get away from something? Had something

I stopped myself mid-thought. The though wasn't about to see an opening to attack.

"Have you seen Phineas?" He asked me, his eyes showing that he had broken from his thoughts as well and came down to earth; a place in which I was far from being.

. . . Of course someone would be looking for Phineas, after all. . .

I put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear it. That thought . . . I didn't want to present the true issue again.

Brinker put a hand on my back. "Are you okay?" He asked, worry in his tone. I removed my hands from my head and stared at the ground. While the battle was going on, I had to conjure up an excuse.

"I just have a terrible headache." I lied, putting my hand back on my head. Brinker removed his hand and nodded his head. He took the excuse, great.

. . . Terrible headache? Or terrible heart ache. . .

I clenched my teeth hard. It's winning. "I'm going to go get you an asprin." Brinker said, a worried expression on his face. I nodded my head and then he was gone. As soon as he left, I felt like screaming. I wanted this battle in my head to stop. I want the thought to die so badly. So badly.

I tried not thinking of it, I did but as time passed, I actually felt it going on in my head. I, shockingly, was getting a headache from this.

Of course, it wasn't my fault. If I didn't think of this . . . if I wasn't so out of my mind I'd have nothing to worry about. We wouldn't have done that. I'd be perfectly sane right now.

But I'm not perfectly sane right now because this damn thought is driving me insane.

I felt myself getting lightheaded so I lied down. I needed help. But I don't think the guidance counciler would help. They'd think I was crazy. We were crazy. What we did . . .

I shook my head, I didn't want to remember it. Maybe the best way would be to forget it. Because I absolutely don't want to remember it. Even though trying is hopeless.

. . . Hopelessly and Absolutely in love. . .

My legs moved me to the door. I needed fresh air. When I opened the door and walked forward to get out, I walked into someone.

Someone I didn't want to see right now.

Someone that surely wouldn't help.

. . . Someone that you love. . .

Phineas.