Author Note: Ello to all, how are you? I was going to wait until I had at least three chapters done to publish this, but what the heck, I'll work on the others later. For now, enjoy!
Edited on 1/2/13: I noticed several mistakes and wanted to add italicies and bolding. So an edit was clearly in order.
Chapter 1: Poker with Monkeys
WARNING: FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FULL OF... ORGANIZATION XIII...
"It appears in rather obvious terms to myself - My good fellow Nobodies - that I now am in lead of this game!" Xemnas chuckled evilly as he laid down his handful of cards, "because starting from this very moment of shining, beautiful glory, my four kings will lay down my order and conquer you and all that is yours, squashing any petty dreams you may have previously had of winning! Suffer and tremble at the power of Number I of the great Organization XIII!" He thrust out his arms and seized the 112 munny, (101 of which was his own money he'd bet, the other eleven being antes from the other players, just to clarify,) in poker chips that sat on the table in front of him.
"...Dude, can you like ever cut a statement down to less than five dozen words, man?" Demyx wondered, staring across the table at his boss. "You make my mind burn!"
"Yes, don't burn Demyx's mind - we wouldn't want to strain that last living brain cell of his," Zexion warned.
"Thanks Zexion," Demyx said earnestly.
Zexion just sighed.
"Aw man," Roxas whined, looking disparingly at his hand, "I didn't think anybody could top my house-full! And I had three A's too!"
"...'Full house', not house-full..." Luxord muttered, appalled at his cohort's complete lack of Poker terminology.
"Well then think again, Number XIII," Xemnas replied, "as you look at the havoc my forces have wrecked across the board! At the the pain they wrought! At the destruction, mayhem, and panic they've caused! AT THE-"
"You've won ONE hand..." Axel reminded him, "and only ELEVEN chips!"
"I hate poker..." Saïx muttered, pushing his lot of remaining chips into the center of the table, "I'm out for good. And now, I go and work on next month's schedule. ...Don't forget to tell the Dusks to put this wretched green folding table away when you're done." He pushed out his purple-striped folding chair from the large green poker table and strode out of the room, muttering to himself something about charts.
"Looks like it's down to eleven people," Marluxia noted as he threw a poker chip at the sleeping Xigbar. "Get up, idiot."
"Huh? What? Did I miss somethin' dudes?" He asked groggily and looked about him.
"I wonder why the girls didn't want to play..." Roxas wondered, propping his elbow up on the table and resting his head in his hand.
"Larxene said something about killing off the last of an endangered species or something," Marluxia explained to him, "and I don't know what the puppet's excuse was... She probably had to wax her strings or something," he laughed to himself. He paused a moment, then added, "and yes, you did miss something oaf, Xemnas won the round."
"Wha? That like, bites dude!"
"Would you stop talking like you're an illiterate?" Luxord snapped, "you sound like an idiot! It's like I'm playing poker with a monkey!" He slammed his fist on the table and accidentally knocked over his pile of chips. "Look what you've made me do, you fool!"
"Dude, don't say that," Xigbar looked downcast, "it's hurts; here." He patted his chest sadly.
"You don't have a heart in case you forgot Number II," Vexen reminded him as he began shuffling the deck.
"Oh, yeah..." Xigbar pondered this a moment, "well then it hurts me here," he pointed a little lower.
"Your spleen?"
"Sorry to butt into your, uh, 'intellectual' conversation, but deal the cards Number IV, will you?" Lexaeus asked impatiently.
"Alright, whatever," Vexen began dishing out cards to all the members present at the table. "Let's make this interesting - five cards, no-draw, gentlemen - and Number VIII."
"Not funny," Axel glared at Vexen, "I'm just as gentlemanly as the rest of ya!"
"Oh really?" Marluxia interjected, "anyone else feel the same? ...No? Figured as much."
"Look rosy-boy," Axel leered at him, "how 'bout I go and set fire to all your 'precious little babies' as you call them; being the fruitcake you are? After all, I LOVE the scent of burning flowers, don't you? Ain't it just... HEAVENLY?" He inhaled deeply, as if he could already smell the smoke and destruction.
"You wouldn't dare," Marluxia challenged him.
"Actually, I think I would," Axel retorted, then almost instantly, rushed off, summoning his Chakrams and setting them aflame. Laughing hysterically, he screamed, "AHAHAHAHAH! BURN BURN BURN!"
"NO! MY BABIES!" Marluxia shrieked, and gave chase. "YOU WILL DIE, AXEL!"
"I ALREADY DID!" Axel tossed back, reminding him of his status of a Nobody.
"Oh yeah... Then... you'll... DIE AGAIN!"
A few moments silence followed the scene caused by VIII and XI, everyone wondering what to do next.
"...Uh... Okay... so I guess they're... out...?" Xaldin wondered, "should we continue then?"
"Yes, can we PLEASE proceed with the events of the aforementioned game of cards we decided we would be dedicated to playing on this eve?" Xemnas asked, "I was, after all, winning, if I am correct in my statement?"
"Geez, why are ya so anxious dude?" Xigbar asked, "nothin' wrong with a little relaxation, man."
"Shut up." Vexen cut Xigbar off as he threw a card at him. "Nobody likes you you know."
"Ow man... Huh? Wha? Dude, this is like, so like, like, AWESOME! Man, you like, dealt me a straight flush! Look little dude," he showed his hand to Zexion, who sat next to him, "straight flush!"
"...First of all, get your filthy mitts out of my face..." Zexion said slowly, pushing away Xigbar's outstretched hands, "...and second of all, you don't show your cards BEFORE the round even begins, you moron!" Zexion slapped his forehead.
"Oh, yeah... Sorry dudes..." Xigbar blushed and smiled sheepishly.
"That's it, I'm THROUGH playing with you imbeciles!" Vexen yelled, "Here's a game that even somebody of even your brain caliber can play - '52 pickup'!" He flung the cards remaining in the deck across the table, causing them to scatter across the room. "I'm OUT!" He pushed out his chair angrily, and stomped off.
A moment of silence follow this scene as well.
"...So... who deals now?" Lexaeus wanted to know after said moment's silence was up.
"Um, Xaldin?" Luxord suggested, looking toward the other Nobody.
"Yes?"
"Would you like to deal?"
"Oh... Uh... Well I WOULD, but, ah..."
"What's wrong?" Roxas asked curiously.
"Well, we can't play without any cards..."
"But we have cards! Right there!" He pointed to the floor.
"Where?"
"Right there!"
"What, you mean THOSE?" Xaldin looked disgustedly at Roxas.
"Um, yes?"
"You would honestly get down on your hands and knees to pick up that deck of playing cards so inconsiderately flung about the room? You would really allow your dignity to simply shatter like that?"
"...What?" Roxas started blinked excessively, as was his habit when he didn't know something.
"No Roxas! That is exactly what Vexen WANTS you to do, you foolish boy! Don't you see? The villain wants you to pick up that deck and become his doormat!" Xaldin stood up, and walked over to Number XIII. Plucking him out of his chair, by the collar of his coat, he dragged him to a corner where a considerable amount of the deck had went. "You see these?" He asked.
"Yeah..."
"Good, pick them up."
"Alright," Roxas bent down and reached his hand out-
*Smack*
"OW!" Roxas rubbed the hand Xaldin had smacked away, "why'd you that?!"
"You're supposed to say 'NO'!" III yelled at him, "don't let me walk all over you, idiot!"
"Sorry..."
"NO! No 'sorries'! Sorry doesn't cut it, you wimp! Do you WANT to be a trampled-over lapdog for freaks like Vexen?"
"...I HEARD THAT XALDIN!" Vexen's voice was heard shrieking down the hall.
"Oh, shut-up!" Xaldin yelled back. "Anyway, Roxas, my boy, don't pick those cards up. In fact, don't ever touch them again. IN FACT, don't even THINK about them ever again, alright?"
Roxas stared blankly at Number III, and began his blinking again.
"Sigh... just... go to bed. It's past bedtime for insensible boys like you anyway..." Xaldin sighed defeatedly. Roxas left them, and Xaldin plopped back into his chair and slumped down, shaking his head. "I need something strong..."
"Don't we all," Zexion said as he put the last of the poker chips in the playing case and snapped the lid shut. He stood up, "I'm off to bed now, as all the 'excitement' with things seem to be over with here. Goodnight to all," he walked out.
"Yes, I'd better be getting to sleep too, so I can get my morning jog in before Saïx saddles me with my missions." Lexaeus yawned and stretched before getting up and leaving also.
"Game over," Luxord noted, heading for the kitchen, "coffee, anyone?"
"I'll have, dude, I'm not tired," Xigbar told him, "make sure you puts tons of cream in mine! ...I like cream..." he sighed dreamily.
"Yes, partaking in the consumption of the hot drink you intend to mix-up would be delightful, my deepest of thanks to you, Number X," Xemnas thanked him.
"I don't like coffee man," Demyx stuck out his tongue, "so thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to beddy-bye." IX took his leave.
"Glad he's gone, I must say." Luxord said once Demyx had left. "Quite the annoying player, isn't he? Anyway, anyone else? Xaldin?"
"Hmm?" Xaldin looked like he was coming out of a doze.
"Coffee?"
"Oh, uh... no... No, thanks all the same. I think I need a lie-down after dealing with the thickhead actually... and besides, it's rather late already." Number III looked at the clock on the wall, "time for sleep." He also left for his bedroom.
"So, three coffees it appears. Very good." Luxord left for the kitchen.
Not very much happened after this, my good reader, except once the remaining awake members of the Organization finished their coffee and found try couldn't sleep, they decided to pull an all-nighter and stay up watching horror movies eating junk-food. And after the second movie was almost over, they found out their carpet was magical and could fly them to places like New Zealand, and France, and Constantinople - where they fought giant dragons and trollish monsters in order to preserve the universe and save the Milkshake kingdom.
What? Did you say you think a story showing the details of this would have been funnier than their game of poker? Nonsense! Now go on, shoo! It's probably past your bedtime as well!
Author Note: Well, it's done. I hope you enjoyed it, and please review! PLEASE review! I'm seriously on my knees now, people! REVEIW please! OR ELSE...
