This is just a little snippet in the scene between Tony and Gibbs in episode 11x05.
I'm a hardcore TIVA shipper. And I hope hope hope that one day Ziva (Cote) will come back.
So I was trying to make sense of what Tony and Gibbs were feeling in this scene. I'm not really sure how I feel about how it turned out. I can't quite put my finger on what I missing, but I think it is missing something…let me know what yall think!
The cold water rushes over my face. I feel shivers rush down my spine. My mind is reeling with a million thoughts. Should I have shot Anton? Why did I let him get away? Did I "let" him get away? Why am I always wrong about people? Ziva would have known what to do. She would have been able to get him without shooting him. Gosh, everything reminds me of her. Why can't she come home? Why wouldn't she come home with me?
I can't catch my breath. I don't know what to do. I need her. I miss her. I think I'm losing it.
I hear the door to the bathroom open. My heart feels even heavier when I see Gibbs has followed me in because this used to be "our" place for difficult conversations. We used to have heart to hearts in the bathroom. And as much as I am thankful for the boss showing that he cares by coming to check on me, I can't help but to feel dull ache spread through my chest again.
"You think I feel guilty about Anton and let him get away because of it, huh?" I fill the silence even though I know he knows what I am really struggling with here.
"I don't know. Did you?"
"He made a run for it. I drew on him, but I couldn't pull the trigger." I pause waiting for his counter remark, but it doesn't come. So, I continue with,
"You would have had him on the ground in 2 seconds flat. Taking out a leg. Or shot him in the ass." Because he would have. Boss always does the right thing. And always gets his man.
"Yeah, but you followed your gut." I want to laugh sardonically at him. Yeah because that has been working so well lately! Gosh, I really am losing it, aren't I? I think, as I wipe the droplets of water from my face.
"That hasn't really been working out, so well, for me, lately." I say as I try to control my breathing. "Uhhh. I don't know. Maybe it's day four without sleep. But, I can't rely on my instincts any longer." My instincts were wrong about her. The one thing in the world that had felt so right…it was wrong. It was not meant to be.
"I was wrong to trust Anton. Maybe I was wrong about a lot of people."
"Are we still talking about the case." Boss, you know I'm not talking about the case.
I finally muster the strength to look over in Gibbs direction. He is studying me intently. It feels like he is reading my thoughts. He probably is. I mean, he is the all-knowing Gibbs.
"It's so interesting. No one will say her name. Have you noticed? It's like she's dead." And maybe that is what is really bothering me. I miss her so much that all I want to do is talk about her, but it feels like I can't because no one will even say her name!
Wipes face again.
"Every time I look at her desk. Every time I close my eyes." All I see are flashes of her. Our foreheads resting against each other in the orchard, her hair blowing lightly from the wind, her eyes telling me everything she couldn't put into words. The sly, beautiful smile she saved for me when glancing at each other from our desks. Being stuck in the elevator with her after Dearing bombed the navy yard. The way her lips felt against mine that last kiss at the airport. How beautiful she looked even with tears running down her face. Her last words to me haunt me every day, "Tony, you are so …loved."
I shake my head trying to rid the lovely but painful memories.
"I just feel like I made a mistake. Like I made the wrong decision. Only it wasn't me who decided." She didn't want me. She wanted to move on from me. If I was wrong about her, then I don't know what makes sense anymore. "So yeah, I'm probably wrong to think Anton is innocent in all this." I look him in the eye, trying to figure out what he thinks about all I have just told him.
"I'll trust you anytime."
Leave it to Gibbs to give wonderfully cryptic messages. But it is nice to hear that he gets it. He understood why I had to find her. He understands how I am feeling. He understands that I feel lost without her. He understands why she needed to move on. He gets it. Because he has known the same hurt. And he is saying that no matter what, he's got my back.
I nod at Gibbs giving him a silent "thank you." As I walk past him, I barely hear him whisper. "Ziva will come back to you, Tony." I freeze where I am, my hand on the doorknob, the wind knocked from my lungs. Her name. And that's when I realize, I never even said her name. I don't even register Gibbs still being in the bathroom until I feel his hand patting me on the shoulder. "Until then, get some sleep. You look like hell, Dinozzo." And with that, he is gone.
I walk out of the bathroom with renewed vigor, a lightness I haven't felt in weeks, and Ziva's name on my lips…
