Title: On the Outside
By: Jessica
Rating: T
Timeline: Postseason five
Summary: To those on the outside looking in, nothing is ever as it seems. A journey of love, heartache, and revelation in the lives of Jake, Calleigh, and Eric.
Author's Note: This story is my baby, lol. It began in the hours following the season five finale, evolving and growing into what it is now. I love both ships and I make no promises as to how the story ends, but in getting to that point I've attempted to be fair to both ships to a certain degree, which is not as easy as it may seem. And finally, my sincerest thanks have to go out to Deb (randomwriting), because without her unending encouragement, this story would've gone absolutely nowhere. :)


Chapter One
Decisions: Part One

-

It was a warm night in late May; the humidity was uncharacteristically low for South Florida, making the night air feel quite pleasant. There wasn't a cloud in the night sky, and if not for the bright Miami lights, thousands of stars would've been easily visible twinkling in the sky above. It was the kind of night that might find Calleigh Duquesne enjoying a quiet stroll on the beach, or curled up in a chair on the patio, engrossed in a wonderful book.

Instead, tonight found her gazing out the passenger side window of Jake Berkeley's car as he drove through the heart of the city. A late eighties rock ballad played on the radio, filling the silence with depressed-sounding guitars and regret-filled vocals; something about knowing love and losing it, appropriately enough. It wasn't the kind of music Calleigh imagined Jake listened to, but then again, she'd changed since they'd last been together. Who was to say he hadn't?

It was the kind of song that under any other circumstance would have Calleigh wincing and changing the station to something more…more her style. But tonight the music fit her mood, and so she let it be. It was far better than those annoying radio commercials, and definitely leaps and bounds better than silence. Silence was just something Calleigh couldn't handle right now; it left her too alone with her thoughts.

So instead she sighed, leaning back in her seat and lazily drumming her fingers along the center console as Jake drove through the familiar streets to her condo. Staring out the window, Calleigh watched the streetlights as they passed, one by one. The steady pattern was hypnotizing; it lulled her into a state of half-sleep, leading the visual that had haunted her all evening easily back to her mind.

No matter how hard she tried, Calleigh couldn't get Eric's face out of her mind. Ever since she'd gotten on that elevator with Jake, it was as though Eric were right there with them. Throughout dinner, his face had peered at her from over Jake's shoulder, his broken eyes never leaving her own. Desperate to escape, Calleigh had trained her eyes downward, focusing on her mahi-mahi. But even then, his face, his wordless accusations refused to leave her. Her appetite left her quickly, though Jake didn't seem concerned until she turned down his offer to share a slice of cheesecake, something he'd never known her to turn down before.

The concern in his eyes had been genuine, and Calleigh forced a smile, waving off his concerns with her customary "I'm fine." She knew Jake didn't quite believe her, but she was grateful when he didn't press her further. Maybe he did know her as well as he thought he did.

But if that were the case, he would've known better than to kiss her in the middle of the lab. He would've known that Calleigh wouldn't appreciate that -- not so much the kiss, but that he'd kissed her right out in the middle of the hallway. It wasn't professional.

Jake was always doing things like that, just to press her buttons.

But there was something about the way he pressed her buttons; something that kept her from pushing him away. She wouldn't say she liked it…but she couldn't say she didn't.

But still, he could've waited until they'd made it to the elevator, couldn't he? Or until they made it out of the building, or to his car. He didn't have to kiss her in front of everybody.

He didn't have to kiss her in front of Eric.

She'd caught his eye, just as she'd stepped onto the elevator. The look on his face; the empty, broken look in his eyes had torn Calleigh to the core. She'd done that to him. She knew how he felt about her, and Calleigh might as well have taken his heart straight from his chest and lobbed it against the nearest wall before scooping the pieces up and tossing them carelessly into a blender. Calleigh had never seen him look like that before.

Not only had he looked hurt, but he'd also looked betrayed. It gave Calleigh the nagging feeling that this whole mess was her fault; like she'd told Eric what to expect and then done exactly the opposite. She felt as though she'd broken his trust in her, when she hadn't done anything at all.

The only one who had done anything at all had been Jake. Jake had sought her out. Jake had kissed her, while Eric had only stood by and watched. Eric had just as much of a chance as Jake had, possibly more so, and yet, he still hadn't taken it. Sometimes, hesitation could carry the cruelest consequences.

Calleigh herself hadn't done anything wrong. Why, then, did she feel so guilty?

Because you didn't do anything.

The truth remained; she hadn't pushed Jake away; she had kissed him back. And even knowing that Eric had seen everything, in knowing that Eric was hurt, Calleigh had still left with Jake. She didn't know if it was because it was the easiest thing to do at the time, or if it was because she really wanted to be with Jake. Calleigh hadn't a clue what she wanted; she could barely tell up from down right now - how was she supposed to decide what she wanted?

She hadn't done anything, but in doing nothing, she had done everything. And that had eaten away at her ever since she'd left the lab. With a sigh, Calleigh closed her eyes, willing her mind to empty, but failing miserably.

You could've at least stayed and explained everything to him.

But what was there to explain? Calleigh wished somebody would explain it to her. She was the one stuck in the middle, and even she didn't understand.

Why couldn't anything ever just be simple?

The light ahead flashed to red, and Jake eased his foot onto the brake, bringing the car to a steady stop. He scowled; there were three more lights on the way to Calleigh's place, and hitting one would mean hitting every last one of them. Not that he was in a hurry or anything; Jake actually didn't mind, for once. But Calleigh…Calleigh hadn't seemed like herself all evening. She'd seemed just fine to him earlier, but now, she was a totally different person. Within the span of a few hours, the flirty, bubbly Calleigh he'd fallen for so long ago had been replaced by a shell of her former self. It bothered him; it really bothered him, and he didn't know why, exactly. Even when they'd dated before, she'd had her mood swings. It was a part of who she was. But something was different tonight.

"Light's green, Jake."

Jake blinked, his foot back to the gas as he realized Calleigh was right. He glanced at her as her drove, wishing he knew what was going on in her head. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

Discreetly Calleigh brought herself back to the present, forcing herself to nod slowly. "Yeah," she murmured. "I'm fine."

A hand softly closed over the top of hers, and Calleigh looked over in time to see the concerned glance he shot her way. "You sure? You've been pretty quiet all night," he observed, his eyes back to the road.

Calleigh gave a small smile. "Yeah, I'm sure. I guess I'm just tired."

"I can imagine. You're just as much of a perfectionist workaholic as you were when we met," Jake commented, though affectionately. "When's the last time you had a day off?"

"I'm off tomorrow," Calleigh replied, slightly defensive. "Besides," she added, softening a little, "I love what I do; you know how that is. It's not like I force myself into work or anything."

"I know. I just don't want you to burn yourself out, Cal." After all, that was a feeling Jake knew all too well.

"You don't have to worry, Jake," Calleigh replied, giving him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

He shrugged. "Well, I do." He let the sincerity of his words permeate the air, not speaking again until he turned onto her street. "I know I worried you enough in the past, Calleigh."

Calleigh tensed, unsure of where this conversation was headed. "Jake -"

He cut her off, though his voice was soft; caring. "Maybe it's just my turn to be concerned about you. And before you make one of your snappy retorts that you're so good at making," he paused, giving her a wink as he pulled into her driveway. "Yes, I am indeed capable of caring about someone other than myself."

Calleigh lowered her head, attempting to hide the smile that touched her lips. "I wasn't going to -"

"Sure you weren't," he teased, twisting to face her once he pulled the key from the ignition.

Calleigh stared back at him, trying to keep a straight face, but she couldn't. With a laugh, she looked down, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Jake remarked with a cocky grin, following her lead for reasons unknown to him. Maybe he just didn't want to let her go yet.

Within moments they were back in that same, familiar position, albeit a different doorstep in a different state. Despite that small difference, it was just like going back in time. Jake leaned casually against the wall, watching as Calleigh carefully extracted her keys from her purse. He smirked; she still kept them in the same pocket as she did so many years before. It wasn't the first strange, small detail he'd remembered over the evening, and he was a bit surprised at just how much Calleigh had changed, yet she was still the same Calleigh.

She closed her purse, looking up at Jake with a smile. The similarity of the situation was not lost on her either, and while comforting, it was also a little disconcerting. "So, uh, thanks for dinner," she said, slipping her key into the lock.

Jake grinned. "You're welcome. I'd been wanting to do that for a while, now."

"You didn't have to pay though, you know."

"Of course I did," Jake replied, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I asked you to dinner, remember? I wanted to take you out, so the least I could do was pay for it."

A slow smile made its way across Calleigh's face, and this time she didn't try to deny it. She tilted her head quizzically, sizing him up. "Okay. What have you done with the real Jake Berkeley? Where is he?" she teased.

He gave her a cheeky grin, taking a step closer to her. "He's right here," he murmured. Gently he brushed a strand of hair behind her ears, and Calleigh couldn't help but smile at the gesture. "You're gorgeous, you know," he said quietly, watching a soft blush rise in her cheeks. He held her gaze for a moment, long enough to convey his intent to her, long enough for her to take the initiative and stop him, if she'd wanted to. That chance hadn't been there when he'd tried it earlier, and Jake really hadn't been able to gauge her reaction.

When she didn't move, Jake leaned closer, softly lowering his lips to hers. There was none of the urgency from before, none of the demand. This was soft; sweet. When he felt Calleigh relax, Jake couldn't help but smile into the kiss, and his heart soared when he felt her arms slowly loop around his neck. He buried one hand in her hair, relishing in the softness. The other he wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly. Still feeling no resistance, Jake nipped lightly at her bottom lip, begging access; access that was happily granted.

Her lips parted for him with a slight moan, and in that moment, Calleigh couldn't have stopped if she'd wanted to. Eric's face still lingered at the back of her mind, along with the doubts she still couldn't help but harbor about Jake. But in that moment, there was only one thought, one feeling that could penetrate to the front of her mind. Beyond the fact that she needed this, there was nothing else. Beyond the fact that this felt good, there were no other feelings.

Despite how he'd hurt her in the past, Jake seemed to have honestly changed. He was working in homicide, no longer undercover. He seemed just as genuinely attracted to her as he had been that very first day in the academy so long ago. And when his eyes were concentrated on her and her alone, Jake could still make Calleigh feel like she was the only woman around. He could still reduce her to shivers and breathy gasps of air when he was around. So why was Calleigh having such a hard time?

The answer flashed before her eyes as readily as it had all evening long: Eric. If not for Eric, everything would be simple.

It had begun slowly, right after Eric's shooting. At first, she chalked it up to having almost lost him, just as only a few years previous she had lost another close friend to the same fate. She called it protectiveness; she called it a strengthening of their friendship. She hadn't been able to be there for Tim, but she could be there for Eric.

But something else had changed. There was a tension there that hadn't been there before. Feelings had erupted that hadn't been there before. Or maybe they had; if they had been there all along, was it possible that those feelings were just now coming to the surface?

Whatever it was, Calleigh wasn't sure how she felt about it. Eric was her best friend. He'd always been her best friend. But was he still?

A few years back, she had been able to let Eric spend the night on her couch without a second thought. They'd watched a movie together; they'd acted like a couple of silly kids that night, and it was one of Calleigh's favorite memories. And now, she couldn't be in the same room with him without feeling some kind of guilt; some kind of unavoidable tension. She'd kissed him on the cheek and couldn't even make herself stay in the same room as him for any longer.

But it was why she'd run away from him that confused her. Was it because she wanted to do more than kiss him on the cheek? Had she been too embarrassed about it to look at him? Had she conveniently seen Natalia coming, and needed to get out of there before more questions were raised? Calleigh just didn't know.

All she did know was that nothing was the same with Eric. Nothing. Calleigh had probably just screwed up the best friendship she'd ever had, all because he'd admitted to wanting her, and Calleigh had admitted to nothing. She'd tried to skate around the subject, and it had all blown up in her face.

She'd seen the hurt in Eric's eyes; she knew that she was the cause of that hurt.

But Calleigh couldn't help feeling like he'd expected her to make an impossible decision. Right there, right then. She'd never even had time to think about it.

She felt the subtle touch of fingers skimming over her hips, and Calleigh met Jake's dark eyes with a shiver, feeling his desire so clearly. And if Calleigh were being completely honest, she wouldn't deny feeling that very same desire within herself.

Everything was certainly complicated; however, there remained the one fact that was blindingly obvious to her.

Eric had admitted to wanting her.

Jake had admitted to wanting her.

The only difference was that Jake had done something about it.

And it was Jake who stood before her now. Jake, who wanted her. Jake, who had treated her to a wonderful dinner like he'd been promising for the past couple of weeks. Jake, who, though Calleigh would never admit it aloud, had been the only man Calleigh had ever cried over after their initial breakup. Jake, who was standing here with her now, asking for a second chance.

It was Jake, not Eric. And in that moment, it was that simple fact that Calleigh chose to see, having had enough complications for one night.

Resolutely, she forced every last trace of Eric from her mind. The pain in his eyes had been too much; she couldn't deal with that tonight; she didn't want to deal with it tonight. She turned the key in the lock and pushed her front door open, and, making her final decision of the night, Calleigh reached out for Jake's hand, leading him inside.