The Doctor Exchange Programme

Author: Harriet Monroe

Summary: The gang from 'Sacred Heart' is sent Downunder on an exchange programme by Dr Kelso.

Disclaimer: The characters were mostly stolen (C'mon I ain't that good) used and abused for the sake of "comedy"…in other words…sorry.

Rating: Not for kiddies (so make sure mum and dad are in bed)

*note that all J.D thoughts are written in italics

"Dear God we've just walked into 'Nam," Dr Cox groused, everyone else nodded, mouths agape.

While it wasn't quite the result of fascist dictators, the accident and emergency section of St Thomas's hospital was like the battle fields of war all it was missing was Hawkeye and the gang…oh wait that was Korea…

"I'm gonna do things to Kelso that'd make your eyes water for his little 'exchange programme.' Well, I'm gonna kick his ass anyway for being the sadistic spawn of Satan and because my therapist says not to."

"You say the nicest things," JD said quietly.

It was true that Kelso had decided that we all should be involved in the hospitals 'exchange a doctor' programme but I somehow think sending us all to Australia was crazy even by his standards.

"Are you injured?" a nurse asked appearing as if from no where. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Only by the sight of this room," Dr Cox replied. "Don't suppose you've ever considered healing people?"

"We're from America," Carla piped up. "We're on an exchange programme."

"We have an exchange programme?" the nurse said blankly. "Wait here and I'll fetch the chief of medicine," she added and hurried away down a corridor.

"I'd like to exchange her programme if you know what I mean," Todd grinned and held his hand up for a high five.

"At what point did Kelso decide sending him was a good idea?" Carla groused glaring at Todd who shrugged and waved at a young blonde nurse who ignored him completely.

"It can't be all bad right?" Turk declared. "I mean, we know how to treat sick people."

"A little help over here," a man piped up from the waiting area. "The Brown Snake venom is starting to attack my nervous system."

Ahhhhhh!

*****************

"Good morning," announced a small, tanned man with a warm smile. The group turned to look at him. "You're our exchange doctors then?"

"And nurse," Carla piped up causing the tanned doctor to look directly at her.

"Of course you are," he perked. "Oh there's two of you," he added directing the comment to Elliot.

"No," Elliot gasped becoming flustered. "I'm a doctor."

"Of course you are poppet," the doctor grinned and Elliot mouthed 'poppet.' "Now, I'm Dr Bruce, welcome to my hospital…blah, blah…good luck…blah, blah…don't kill anyone on your first day," the doctor gave them one more, cheesy smile and stalked off back up the corridor without a second look at the patients.

"Do you think its possible that he and Kelso were separated at birth?" Turk frowned bewildered.

"Oh Ghandi, don't go there its too horrible to contemplate," Dr Cox huffed. "Come on kids, lets try and help these poor, unfortunate people by giving them medical attention or digging graves or something."

******************

"Isn't this so cool?" Elliot perked brushing past a patient on a gurney in the middle of the hospital. "I mean how often do you get a free trip to Australia. Oh, just think of all those tanned surfer boys on the beach…"

"Yes lets all think of tanned surfer boys as we discompact bowels," J.D jeered.

"Do you always have to be so negative," Elliot pouted. "I mean how often do we get opportunities like this huh?"

"What opportunities? We're doing what we always do."

"Yeah…but…we're doing it in Australia," Elliot huffed. "So there," she added and hurried into the nearest room.

Well I guess there's one advantage to being in Australia - no janitor.

"G'day," a voice piped up and J.D stopped to see a well built man in grotty overalls and sporting a mullet. "You're one of them yanks aren't ya?"

"Why yes I am," J.D smiled. "And you are?"

"The maintenance man, you got a problem with that?"

"No, god no…I think it's great what you do with…mops and stuff…"

The maintenance man narrowed his eyes. "He said you'd be like this…"

"What? Who said I'd be like…"

"You J.D?"

"God yes," J.D breathed turning from the psychotic maintenance man to a dishevelled looking man in a white coat.

"Right, I'm your attending, Dr Anderson," the man declared. "Follow," he added and started off down the corridor.

J.D looked briefly over his shoulder at the maintenance man who was pretending to choke his mop and then hurried to catch up with Dr Anderson. "Are you giving me a tour?"

"No."

"Are you taking me to a patient?"

"No."

"Am I getting a present?"

Dr Anderson stopped, turned to J.D and raised an eyebrow. Despite the fact he wasn't nearly as tall as J.D he still seemed oddly frightening. "If you don't shut the hell up by the time I finish my sentence I will have you hooked up to an enema machine and have the insides of your colon sparkling like freshly polished wood ok?"

"Very," J.D swallowed.

Why do I always get the emotionally unstable ones?

"Less thinking more walking septic," Dr Anderson ordered as they continued down the corridor.

"Septic?" J.D said blankly. "I don't follow?"

"Septic, septic tank, yank," Dr Anderson muttered. "It's rhyming slang but its becoming quite obvious you do produce a lot of crap."

"You made me feel so welcome," J.D mumbled as he continued following obediently.

**************

"What happened to you?" Turk gasped as he walked into a room to be confronted by a man with a gaping wound on one leg and blood dripping from his hands.

"My dog went mental mate," the guy babbled.

"A dog did that to you?" Turk said shocked. "What the hell type of dog was that?"

"A big one."

Turk looked unconvinced and took a closer look at the wounds. "They don't look like no dog bites to me dude."

"I told you it was a big dog."

"Come on man, what really bit you?

"A crocodile," the man said sheepishly.

"What?" Turk shrieked. "How did you get bitten by a crocodile in the middle of the damn city?"

"I was looking after it for a friend," the man shrugged. "I've got a bigger bath than him see…"

"No," Turk babbled. "The only thing that I see if that you're clearly insane."

"I'm not following…"

"I'll make it easy for you," Turk said slowly. "Don't keep crocodiles, they eat people."

"Strewth mate, it's just a scratch."

"A scratch?" Turk gasped trying to comprehend what the man was thinking. "Three of your fingers need to be sewn back on and part of your leg has become crocodile food."

"I was lucky that's all he did then wasn't I?" the man beamed and Turk used all his strength not to smack his head against the wall.

***************

"What it is with Australians and the phrase 'no worries'?" Dr Cox muttered as he stalked down a corridor. "Sorry but you've just been bitten by the world's most poisonous snake and unfortunately we don't have the anti-venom and you're going to die a horrible, painful death in about 45 seconds. No worries mate, fancy a beer later…" his tirade was cut off as a skull made a large 'whack' sound as it smacked into his chest.

"Oh Jesus," groaned a small blonde woman as she rubbed her head. "What the hell were you doing? I'm not invisible if you hadn't noticed, well obviously you hadn't otherwise you might have avoided trying to re-distribute my brain matter."

"I'm so, so, sor…"

"And don't even think of attempting to apologise you stupid American arse," the blonde woman spat and then stormed off in the opposite direction.

"What a crazy, obviously sun affected bitch," Dr Cox announced, the frown lines deep on his forehead. "I must sleep with her." he added switching directions and heading down the corridor in the same direction of the angry, mysterious blonde.