Yuri knew it was one of those crucial moments Lilia had once spoken of. Moment that his old self died to make way for the new one. Moment that he was reborn as a new person. Of course, he would realise it much later; that very instant, he was but a bundle of emotions and physical sensations that he frantically tried to figure out and failed miserably. Whenever he recollected it, he would still feel like laughing and crying, and being amazed it had really happened. And not on the ice where he could indeed be reborn as many times as he wished. No, it happened outside the ice, in the changing room, after the training, when Otabek incidentally brushed his elbow against Yuri's naked back.

And if it was not Yuri who changed, then it happened to the whole world.

Otabek's elbow brushed against Yuri's back, making Yuri involuntarily shiver and moan. The hair all over his body stood on their ends, he felt hot and dizzy, and weak in his legs. He was familiar with this state, but so far he would experience it in quite different circumstances and another company, and thus he couldn't grasp why feel it now. There was no stimulus... right?

Of course, Otabek reacted at once; he would hardly ever miss such things. "Something's wrong? Are you in pain? Sprained something?"

Yuri shook his head, urging his brain to work. "No," he replied automatically and truthfully. "I'm fine."

Otabek kept staring at him intently, and Yuri suddenly couldn't withstand his gaze. How unusual.

"I thought I hurt you when I bumped at you a moment ago."

"You rubbed against me," Yuri corrected and had no idea why.

"And that's why you cried?"

Yuri wanted to confirm, but something stopped him. He looked at Otabek again and frowned, and then realised it was the first time he wouldn't tell Otabek the truth... and even worse. It shocked him nearly as much as the previous thing. He turned back and started to put his t-shirt on. "I felt like... a cat moved his tail on my back and... and I remembered I have to go to the vet with Potya tomorrow," he said, trying to sound natural. "So I'm going to be late. I'd completely forgot..."

"Is it anything serious?"

Yuri shook his head, packing his bag. "No, just a control. You know, he had that surgery some time ago... I just want to make sure everything is all right. I hope it won't take long..."

"It's just one training session," Otabek replied and resumed putting his clothes on.

"I know, but this new routine wouldn't leave me," Yuri replied honestly.

"Right, the same thing each and every year," now there was laughter in Otabek's voice. "You want to master it as soon as possible, and then practise until you can do it perfectly."

Yuri dared to glance at him. "I'd say I've already mastered it..." he muttered. "But you're right about doing it perfectly."

Otabek only nodded, zipping his sweatshirt. "Are we having lunch?" he asked.

"Sorry, I promised Lilia I'd be early today," Yuri replied, raising one hand. "We still work on the free, you know..."

"It's fine," Otabek wouldn't make scenes.

"Then, see you tomorrow. I've to go," Yuri said, pulling his hood down and grabbing his bag. "I'll try not to be very late."

"See you."

Yuri nearly ran to the metro station, and only when he sat in the train, he would let himself think again. Until now, he'd focused only on getting far from Otabek... and this one thing was enough to throw him off balance. To tell the truth, everything that had happened in the last fifteen minutes - just that? - made him completely confused. It was as if the reality around him had become totally distorted, and suddenly he couldn't tell up from down. He only knew that - apart from million other things - he felt anxious, thrilled and guilty.

He'd lied to Otabek for the very first time in his life, and he still couldn't understand why.

Well, it was obvious he couldn't say the truth - but what was truth, anyway? What had happened, just a moment ago in the changing room after the training, that he couldn't wave it aside? That he'd had to lie to Otabek, with whom he'd always been honest? Why couldn't he answer spontaneously, just like he'd used to, just like he'd wanted?

Maybe because spontaneity might have had unwanted consequences. For now, he didn't even realise what kind of consequences they might be; he only knew he wasn't ready for them - and that was why he'd chosen another way, even at the price of this guilty feeling. Even at the price of this sad anxiety coming from the fact he'd probably taken the first step on the road to growing up. Spontaneity belonged to childhood that he'd so long wanted to leave behind - and now, when it was apparently happening, he suddenly wished he could take a step back. Some part of him knew it was no longer possible.

He pressed his burning forehead against the window pane and closed his eyes. He'd lied to Otabek and now had to understand - it was almost his duty - what was the cause. He realised there was no good reason, only that fear, uncertainty and instinctive urge to run. To run from what had suddenly appeared between the two of them and for ever - or, at least, for that one moment - changed their relation. He had to think it over and find out whether there was any restore point, when their friendship was still strong, simple and obvious... whether it was still possible to return to that point and delete what had happened today. It was his task to resolve... even though he really felt like kicking everything, yelling and swearing, or drinking into oblivion and slept until tomorrow. Yet, he knew well it wouldn't change his situation, only slightly postpone the problem.

Otabek had touched him. Incidentally, with no intention, with no context. And that one touch had thrown Yuri completely off balance. Why now? Why Otabek? They'd been friends for so long, and never before the physical contact had been any problem. They would hang upon each other when taking million of selfies or doing anything else silly. They would rest against each other when watching movies or browsing the photos. During motorcycle rides, Yuri would always hold on to Otabek, sitting behind his back. Now the very thought made him feel even hotter. Bitterly, he thought he didn't want to grow up.

It was May. Two months ago Yuri had turned 18. He'd been friends with Otabek for two years and a half - although it seemed to him they'd known each other for ages - and it was friendship Yuri hadn't regretted for a moment. First, Otabek was the coolest of all figure skaters he'd known. Second, he was someone to count on in every situation, and Yuri knew it was what really mattered. Before they'd got to know each other, he hadn't needed such relationship, such friendship - no, he hadn't even thought he would ever need. Yet, Otabek had very soon turned someone indispensable, someone essential for Yuri to live.

After Yuri's first season in senior division, Otabek had moved to Sankt-Petersburg, and since then they'd been more or less inseparable. Yuri had never said aloud how much he appreciated Otabek's presence. Otabek was his role model, support and balance. He was a great companion, wise adviser and brilliant, though reluctant, converser. He probably wasn't aware of it, but he helped Yuri to be a better person, sparking more positive emotions in him that he'd felt before. Yuri would be a prize idiot if he didn't want to stay with Otabek.

Yet, today he had run away from him and now wondered whether he would still be able to come back one day. The very thought hurt like hell.

When Otabek had touched him, Yuri felt as if a star had exploded somewhere in his mind. He'd wanted to move away and, at the same time, he'd wanted that Otabek touched him again. He'd cried out of fear, but also pleasure. He'd wished to flee, but he'd also felt like flinging his arms around Otabek and never let go. It was something new, unexpected, shocking and delightful.

And absolutely unacceptable between the two of them.

Now, would the world still be normal, and their friendship just as it'd been before?

He'd lied to Otabek that he'd felt like a cat brushed against his back. Well, Otabek knew well how much Yuri loved cats... But in this case, wouldn't he interpret Yuri's reaction in an unwanted way? If Yuri reacted to his touch like cat... But it was the first thing that'd occurred to him, and then, going with the punch, he'd made up that lie about the vet. The third one, about meeting with Lilia, was actually a half-truth, but knowing that didn't help his remorse.

Maybe to balance it - to indulge himself, just a bit - Yuri asked himself what would have happened if he'd told Otabek the truth. The hot wave hit his face and then engulfed all his body. He had to suppress another moan... although, at the same time, he realised he was presenting only his own point of view, while there were many different scenarios actually. Hopelessly, he returned to his previous - most important - thought: nothing of this kind could happen between them.

Yuri wouldn't risk their friendship for any selfish desire of his own. Whatever they did with Otabek, they did it together and enjoyed it together. Sure, it was Yuri who would offer and suggest, but Otabek would rarely object and hardly ever refuse. He'd borne with Yuri for two years and a half - he couldn't do it only on principle, right? Still, so far Yuri's all offers and suggestions had fallen in the well-known spectrum of the male friendship, while what had arisen between them today - even if only in Yuri's mind and body - certainly didn't.

Yuri pulled the hood lower over his eyes and sank in his seat even more, thinking he'd never felt so miserable before... and simultaneously having a sensation he'd never been in such a euphoria.

Maybe he'd imagined that? Maybe... maybe he simply had sensitive back? Hadn't he reacted the same way with those chicks he'd happened to sleep with? Actually, he couldn't remember; he'd been too drunk... and even if it was the case, it wouldn't change anything in his situation. Still, maybe it was just a physiological reaction that he shouldn't be bothered about? He played with this thought for a moment before discarding it with resignation. He was too much distressed for it to result from the simple physiological reaction. Not when his mind kept offering those vision of what he wished Otabek do to him... how he wanted Otabek to touch him more...

He groaned again and cursed under his breath. The fact were facts, and it was no use to deny them. Otabek Altin had just aroused him sexually, and without any conscious intention, on top of that. The least important thing was that Yuri was aroused by a man. When for the two years and a half you'd associated with the happiest male couple under the sun, you would automatically develop the opinion that there were worse things than homosexuality, and in the right circumstances it might even be the best thing. Then, there was no point in crying that it was Otabek in question; taking into account his person, one could decide it was the only reasonable choice. In different condition, Yuri would undoubtedly choose Otabek from the group of candidates and wouldn't think twice of it. In Yuri's eyes, Otabek was a walking perfection, and actually it was strange he didn't have a crowd of admirers stalking him every place and hour.

If Otabek hadn't been his best friend, Yuri would clearly see him as material for a partner, even if just an hour ago it would never occur to him to think about another man in such a category. But... if Otabek hadn't been his best friend, would Yuri have realised his worth? Weren't his feelings originating exactly from the fact he knew Otabek and Otabek knew him? That they trusted and could always count on each other? That they were best friends? He cursed in despair. Could there be any worse option?

For a moment, he would just sit, his eyes closed and his hands in the pockets, and give in the feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of fear, he could still keep at bay - that fear of losing something that was so important to him. No, he couldn't let it happen. He opened his eyes and looked somewhere in the future, focusing on acting.

He had to cope with that. Alone. It... it would pass, he had to believe so. Everything was possible for Yuri Plisetsky. He was known for strong self-discipline about skating; he could achieve it off the ice, too. Otabek couldn't realise, this one was obvious. There was no other option if their friendship were to survive, and keeping Otabek as his friend was Yuri's priority. He would give his best, would apply himself to hiding everything. He would even - although it made his chest hurt terribly - cut down his meetings with Otabek. He would give up their training sessions and move to Yakov's group... It was only temporary, he told himself. It was only until everything calmed down, was back at normal, until everything was like before. He felt relieved upon deciding that. He felt he was in control again and knew what to do. He took a deep breath and told himself it was the right thing to do.

But - his calm didn't last long - wouldn't Otabek find it strange if Yuri suddenly change his training plan? He would surely demand some explanation... and, really, he deserved it like any human being. Like any friend. Yuri knew he wouldn't be able to lie to Otabek again. Well... he knew he would have to do it - and despised himself for it - but he promised himself it would be his last resort. Maybe... maybe he could just reduce his sessions with Otabek and increase his sessions with Yakov? Yes, that was more sensible. It was a good thing they were still working on his free programme; Yuri would ask Lilia to make it even more difficult. It would prove en excuse to train more with Yakov and Lilia, and it wouldn't be a lie. Manipulation, yes, but not a lie, and knowing that eased his remorse just a bit.

Some other part of him would be ridiculously happy about still training with Otabek.

He took another deep breath, pleased with the solution that might help him to survive this crisis. Yes, crisis, it was a good word. A passing phase that required some effort of him, but would definitely come to an end. He would manage. He'd always managed, and by himself... Not that he could tell anyone about it, could he? Well, there were quite a few people he could confide in: Lilia, who was like his mother; Katsudon, who probably had experienced something similar; maybe even Mila, who would always listen to his bitch as he would listen to her confession, even though they wouldn't stop taunt each other. He had no doubts that, had he spoken with any of them, they would relate to his problems calmly, even with sympathy, and wouldn't blame him for anything; maybe they would try to help him, advise him, but...

He didn't want to. It was his business, and only his... His own secret - too special to reveal it to others. Too sweet to share. Otabek was the only person he would tell - but that one was out of question.

It hurt. Until now, he and Otabek had had no secrets. Until now, they would support one another in trouble. Well, to tell the truth, it was Otabek who'd always supported Yuri, offered solutions, helped in so many ways... Yuri swore again. Why did it happen to him? He cursed his fate. Recently, he'd hardly ever reminisced his childhood, that - despite his grandpa's presence - would often weigh on him... at least those times he'd let himself think of it. But in last two years and a half... there'd been much more times he would look in the future, not back. He'd already forgot that sensation: that he's the unhappiest person in the world... and now he remembered it, as if it had lurked behind his back all that time, out of the corner of his eye, always ready to jump and crush him.

He shook his head. No, he wouldn't let it break him. He wouldn't give up. Even if he had to face it alone, he would take the fight - and he would believe in his victory. He planned to spend his whole life with Otabek - he wouldn't let such a trifle thing separate them at such an early stage. He was... He was Ice Tiger of Russia, and he wouldn't be defeated, not by such stupid physical sensations anyway.

He wiped his eyes and didn't spare more than those two tears. He quickly forgot all those sentiments upon realising the train reached the final station, while he should have get off some times ago. "FUCK!" he yelled and started to his feet, then kicked the opposite seat, never caring about the people in the car. "FUCK IT ALL!"

He clenched his fists... and then slowly relaxed them. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before shaking his head. He realised that for some reason he felt better. He sat down again and waited for the train to depart, considering his next move. After the lunch, he would go to the gym, and then... He would spend the evening with Lilia. He decided he could already start thinking of the elements to that routine that should help him to keep the secret...

His lips twitched in the lightest shade of a smile when he realised he'd just invented his theme for the next season, and it pleased him. Negative should be turn into positive, right? 'Secret' sounded like a great flirtation with the audience and all skating world... And maybe even - he took a deep breath, a bittersweet feeling in his chest - maybe even with Otabek himself.