Lord Drake Misadventures Episode 2-1

Lord Drake: Is this thing on?
Tlanextic: Yes my lord, it's rolling fine.
Vyce: I'm ready for my cloooooose up~!
Lord Drake: Back off Daemoness! It's my camera! I'm the star here, my name is in the title.
Vyce: No! I got myself ready and everything.
Tlanextic: Well you got some time for the opening credits so you two fight over the camera. Oh wait, you're already doing that.

It is the 42nd millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emporer has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the master of mankind by the will of the gods, and the master of a million worlds by the might of his inexhaustables armies. He is a rotting carcass writhing invisible with power from the Dark Age of Technology. He is the Carrion Lord of the Imperium for whom a thousand souls are sacrificed every day, so that he may never truely die.

But now, Terra lies in flames, as the mighty forces of Chaos has finally defeated it's mortal enemy. The Imperium of Man is scattered, the Emperor is dead or missing, it's armies a whimper of their former selves. Space Marine chapters devastated or biding their time, while the foul forces of chaos roam free to do as they wish. The Xenos, The Eldar, The Ork, The Necron, The Dark Eldar, and even the hungry Tyranid, have gone strangely silent.

To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruellist and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for some much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace among the stars, only and eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.

The Cast:

Lord Drake, The Crazy Chaos Lord, "What do you mean I can't take my limited edition Kooking with Kharn plushie with me?"

Tlanextic, Annoyed Chaos Sorceor, "My Lord, squares don't fit into circles."

Vyce, Slaaneshi Chaos Dragon, "Oh my god I broke a nail!"

Dragonspit, Champion of Chaos, "My lords.. and lady. I'm here to report that the men are finished training for the Khorne Bake Sale."

And Rhuemwight, the lowly cultist, "I was an Inquisitor once, I won't stand for th-AUUUUGH MY SPLEEEN!"

The place, The Dragon's Haste, the flagship and of the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion. The Time, years after the fall of the Imperium. The who, Lord Drake and Company. The why... why not?

Lord Drake: Finally! It is ready! The tattered remains of the Imperium will bow to my power.
Tlanextic: All you're doing is making waffles with a waffle maker.
Lord Drake: I know! Tremble in fear! My Khorne Waffles will be the talk of the town!
Tlanextic: Galaxy you mean?
Lord Drake: Town. Galaxy. What's the difference? All that matters is I have Khorne's Unholy Waffle maker! I will topple the Khaine's Waffle House Chain.
Tlanextic: I thought you were making the Imperial dogs tremble.
Lord Drake: They will! Tremble that is. And then when I topple the chain, I'll have a monopoly on waffles. I'll call it. The Dragon's Waffles!
Tlanextic: *sighs* How original. Not like you named the entire fleet The Dragon's something.
Lord Drake: Why thank you! I thought so myself.

Suddenly, Dragonspit rushed into the scene.

Dragonspit: My Lord! We have a problem?
Lord Drake: Problem?
Dragonspit: It's hard to explain.
Lord Drake: Explain!
Dragonspit: It's hard to explain that it's hard to explain.
Lord Drake: Then explain to me why it's hard to explain why it's hard to explain.
Dragonspit: It's hard to explain why it's hard to explain that it's hard to explain Lord Drake: Then explain to me why it's hard to ex-
Vyce: DRAGONSPIT! Where the hell are you? Get this freak away from me.
Lord Drake: Don't interrupt me! I hate being interrupted. I'll destroy you!
Tlanextic: My Lord, pl-

Before Tlanextic can finish, Lord Drake runs from the planning room (AKA The Broom Closet. What? It's a big closet.) and to the docking bay, then to the chaos dragon's lair, then back to the closet and then down to the Cultist Longue (AKA the REAL planning room, but Drake wouldn't have it, he likes brooms.) and finally up to a wrecked Bridge area. Cultists and equipment was strewn about everywhere, and the Chaos Dragon was being chased by a familiar looking Chaos Lord in pink.

Tlanextic: Oh for the love of the four fathers.
Lord Drake: CORRACK!

The two Slaaneshi followers stop and look over to Drake.

Lord Corrack: She did it!
Vyce: He did it!
Lord Drake: Corrack, it's been way too long, I haven't seen you since... since.. I don't remeber.
Tlanextic: Terra my lord? Where we played into the Emperor's hands and did exactly what he wanted, killed him for unlimited paid vacation as he struts around the Warp as if he owned the place.
Lord Drake: What was that?
Tlanextic: Nothing to concern yourself with my lord.
Lord Drake: Of course not! Corrack!
Lord Correck: What?
Lord Drake: What are you doing here anyway? I thought I told you you had to RSVP to get on my ship.
Lord Corrack: I was planning on talking to you, but then I got distracted by gorgeous babe and demonesses I lost track of time. I think there was something important, but I don't remember. I got.. distracted.
Vyce: Distracted and right in my face! He ruined everything. Everything!
Lord Drake: What'd he ruin?
Vyce: Uhm... Come to think of it. Nothing. Nothing at all.
Tlanextic: Oh really?
Vyce: Shut up bird brain.
Corrack: She was watching My Litt-
Vyce: CORRACK!

The two start running around again, Tlanextic facepalms and sighs while Drake attempts to figure out what the hell the Demon Dragon was on about. Suddenly the ship rocks as it rams into something. The alarms go off and the klaxons wail, cultists panic as the daemons on the bridge growl and hiss, the lights flicker on and off. Dragonspit arrives on the bridge and starts barking orders, the cultists keep panicking. A shot goes off, Dragonspit's bolter smokes and the cultists return to their positions.

Lord Drake: What in the name of Khorne's footlocker was THAT?
Corrack: I didn't do it!
Vyce: I didn't do it!
Tlanextic: I'm not particularly sure what in the warp we hit, there haven't been any threats in this sector since we put down another Former Imperial world under Black Draconis rule, and the other Chaos legions are nowhere nearby.. Curios.
Lord Drake: Sensors!
Cultist Rio: My Lord, I regret to inform you that the sensors are down. Pleasedon'thurtme!
Lord Drake: Cultist! You foolish fool! I will have you killed!
Cultist Rio: Master! Please! Forgive me!
Dragonspit: Shall I?
Lord Drake: Shall you what? Dragonspit: Kill him?
Lord Drake: Good Khorne no! This is exactly why I ordered the screen door on the front of the bridge for such an occasion.
Tlanextic: What? I thought I told you we weren't installing that.
Dragonspit: I was told to keep our personnel away from that part of the ship.
Vyce: You did? I didn't get that memo.
Corrack: I'm not sure I can even read.
Vyce: Lord Drake mentioned we should put a screen door on the bridge. I thought it was a fabulous idea.

Tlanextic and Dragonspit both sigh and facepalm.

Drake: Well anyway. Cultists! Open the screen door!
Tlanextic: No you fools! You'll kill us all!

The cultists on the bridge exchange glances, unsure whose orders to follow.

Tlanextic: See! They see reason.
Lord Drake: Lies! Open it!

The cultists look dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. The various daemons embedded in the consoles start laughing, and Tlanextic and Drake start arguing. Nothing happens. Vyce rolls her eyes and the daemonic dragon walks towards the consoles, stepping between them.

Vyce: Now which one was it... Here it is!

Vyce pushes a button, the front section of the bridge creaks and slowly opens. Everyone on the bridged freezes, including the bickering leaders, and it opens up to... nothing. Vyce surprisingly starts laughing.

Vyce: Oh they installed a screen door alright.
Drake: You stupid cultists! You only put a solid door over the bridge screen! Now how are we going to know what's outside! Fools! Cowards!
Vyce: I was waiting for the day he'd be stupid enough to try to use it.
Corrack: Amazing!
Drake: I'll kill you all! I hate you! And you! And you!

Drake starts pointing randomly, meanwhile Dragonspit relays orders to dismantle the door off the screen.

Tlanextic: But seriously, what the warp did we hit?
Drake: I don't know, you'd think somebody would know we're about to hit something. Anybody? No? Curses.

Louder sounds of explosions and fighting ring out further along the ship, under the bridge. And before you knew it the doors to the bridge buckled.

Drake: What's going on here? Who can fighrt all of our forces! Where are our other ships! WHERE!
Tlanextic: Calm down, we have the best of the best here. You, the Master of Black Draconis, myself, your advisor, Vyce over there, whatever the warp her role is. There's Dragonspit, our finest warrior, and then there's Corrack. Whatever is on our vessel, we can take it.
Vyce: He has a point.
Corrack: Save me! Please!

The doors slam open, and out walks Abbadon and Ahriman.

Ahriman: I told you we could lure him into a trap!
Abaddon: Silence Tzeentch lacky. Lord Drake! I am here for my revenge!
Drake: Revenge? Surely you have better things to do than track me down only to kill me.
Tlanextic: And what trap? We were just flying along and all of a sudden, wham!
Abbadon: There was no trap?
Ahriman: Yes there was. We appeared in front of them after we saw them. I teleported us here.
Abbadon: You fool! Get out of my sight before I have you killed.
Drake: Nice to see you shorty!
Tlanextic: Lord Abbadon, why are you really here?
Abbadon: Well now that he's gone, I have a confession. I'm bored.
Vyce: Bored?
Abbadon: Yes. Since you fools more or less broke Terra, our normal adversaries went missing. Completely.
Tlanextic: We noticed that as well.
Abbadon: I've been searching everywhere, all over the galaxy, it's only turned into a major turf war between the Chaos Legions.
Drake: So? Why would you be bored of that? That sounds like a good time to me.
Tlanextic: And the ultimate goal of Chaos, plunge the galaxy into.. well.. chaos. The four powers endlessly fighting without interruption for all eternity.
Abbadon: Well truth be told all the Black Crusades were fun. Chaos was all one big family against our most hated foe, the Emperor. Now it's nothing but mirror matches until time ends.
Vyce: Still plenty of fun to be had!
Abbaadon: You're a servant of Slaanesh, everything should be fun to you.
Vyce: It is! All the time. It's happy hour all hours!
Abbadon: Look the point is there's no challenge, like before nobody is gaining any ground.
Drake: So? Go crush them all, see if I care, just leave us alone.
Abbadon: We can't.
Drake: Why?
Abbadon: Ask your sorcerer.
Tlanextic: Simple, the great game must go on, or Chaos will vanish. If any power gains too much of a foothold and wins, everyone loses, Chaos becomes static.
Drake: So again, everything is as it should be, why should we care?
Abbadon: Because some of the Legion leaders are getting too greedy, and things are getting out of hand. As much as I hate to say this, we need to figure out what happened to the Emperor, his lackeys, and worst of all the Xenos filth Drake: How do I say this... I don't care?
Tlanextic: The universe will continue on like always, advantages will be gained, the balance will be maintained.
Abbadon: And if it doesn't?
Vyce: Well Abby, that means you can call us, in the meantime, we'll continue to do whatever we want.
Drake: Besides, we don't have room here for a linear storyline! Now get lost, and you have the repair bill for my ship.
Abbadon: Oh I'll get lost, but I won't fix your ship. Have fun being stranded!

Abbadon glows, and he cackles maniacally, vanishing as he's summoned elsewhere.

Vyce: That was exciting!
Drake: Blast! Curses! AFTER HIM!
Tlanextic: My Lord, we're not going anywhere with the damage to the ship.
Drake: The Dragon's Haste has never failed me! Start the engines! Sacrifice some cultists to get Tzeentch to fix the ship or something. You're the Sorcerer around here, send a call to Drache.
Tlanextic: Right. I'll get right on that...