Plot (chapter 1): Tohma Seguchi comes back home late from work and as he watches his wife sleep, his thoughts wander to Eiri... I've wanted to do a Tohma's POV for quite a while, so that's about it! One-sided Eiri x Tohma
Disclaimer: I (unfortunately!) do not own any Gravitation characters! I'm already happy with my Kumagoro plush toy! :-D
Please bear in mind that I'm French, therefore, my English is far from perfect and I do apologize for the mistakes I surely make now and then!!
UNTIL THE MASK FALLS OFF
Three o'clock in the morning. I silently make my way to the bedroom, put on my pyjamas and slide into the warm double-bed, trying not to wake her. Same ritual nearly every night. Damn those endless business dinners!
She lets out a little groan when I selfishly put my cold feet against her legs. Mika-san… When I look at her, I see him. When she says harsh things to me, I hear him. I married her because she reminds me of him. I married her to make sure the connection I had with him would never be broken. I settle for the brother-in-law status because no matter how hard I try, I will never get the lover one. She's got my affection. He's got my love.
Isn't it such an awful thing to say? There isn't a single day in my life I don't hate myself for that, such as I've been hating myself for so many years for what happened to him in New-York.
I watch her sleep, her body moving slowly up and down to her breath rhythm. I would be a bastard to hurt her, but I can't help thinking he would have just one word to say and I'd leave her. I must be insane, but who cares? Maybe she's not really in love with me either, after all. Outside the house, she shows evident signs of jealousy and possessiveness, inside, we are more like simple flatmates. Normal couples do things together. They share passions. I tried hard to think about what we had in common, and yet all I could come out with was the devotion we had to him. He is the one topic we could talk about endlessly, he is the one we always worry about, he is the one we want to seek attention from, he is the one we want to protect, he is the centre of our universe, only he doesn't give a fuck.
Tonight has been just as boring as ever. People I barely know smiling at me and acting as if I were the eighth marvel of the world and I, hypocritically smiling back at them and pretending to enjoy myself. Masks and illusions. Would they be the same with me if I was just Tohma instead of being Tohma Seguchi, president of N-G Records and Nittle Grasper member? Would they say such nice things to me if they didn't expect anything in return? I really doubt that. He hardly smiles at me, he never tries to please me, but at least I know he is honest to me and that makes every little attention he has for me more valuable than the most precious treasure on Earth. Whenever he looks at me with less hatred than usual in his eyes, whenever he calls me by my first name, whenever he allows me to comfort him, I would feel alive and tell myself there's at least one reason for me to stay in this world.
What is he doing right now? Sleeping? Working on his last novel? Having fun with his play-toy? Damn. I should not talk like that. This is just me being upset and jealous here. I tried hard to convince myself that Mister Shindo was not more than that to him. I even secretly hoped he was doing all that just to annoy me, it would have meant that he cared at least a little about the way I feel. But I have to face the facts, even if it hurts. He's in love with Shuichi. Not me. He even admitted it on TV. "We're not friends, we're lovers". Those words echo in my head. My heart split in two when I heard them and I spent a whole night crying silently in bed, next to Mika, blaming her brother for making such a mess of my life.
When she asked me why I had sore eyes and red nose that morning, I told her I had got a cold and she felt sorry for me. She does not know a thing about me. Her husband. Who really does apart from him anyway? People think I'm Mr Perfect. People think I'm happy and even envy me. If only they knew… But I never give myself away, I never allow my mask to fall off. My whole life is a lie and I am the actor of some bad play. I have performed it so many times that I am now exhausted. Only him knows my true self. Only him knows how tormented I am. But he just ignores it. I try my best to hide my tears from him. I try my best to keep smiling even if my heart is bleeding inside. But he knows. I tried to hate him for that but failed. I'd rather have him ignoring my feelings on purpose than saying openly he hates me and getting me out of his life.
I gave up interfering in his relationship with Shuichi. I know by now I will never succeed in getting that kid out of his life. It would only end up with him hating me anyway, and I would rather die than being the one to allow that. It's just it breaks my heart that the kid has succeeded with no effort where I have always failed. He has put back love into Eiri's heart and I had hoped for such a thing to happen for more than six odd years. And even if those weak smiles and sweet expressions on his face are not for me, I will always be grateful to Shuichi for that. Because if Eiri is happy, I am happy too. Somehow… Until the mask falls off…
Thanks for reading!
