Disclaimer: I do not own Codename KND.
There were good days, and there were bad days. Sometimes, there were days that began as good or bad days, but eventually devolved into exact opposite as the hours dragged on. But for sake of time, let's just agree that so far, Nigel Uno was having a bad day. Didn't even start out all that great either.
First off, the milk had gone sour and that last bowel of Rainbow Munchies he intended to savor had been ruined, and he had to brush his teeth – twice – to purge his taste buds of the rancid aftertaste. So with his mouth reeking with mint, he made his way up to the treehouse to properly begin the day. Or he would have, if he hadn't forgotten that the hamsters powering the elevator were on holiday. That left him with a gazillion stairs to climb. Yay.
Upon reaching the command deck, his usual morning routine of checking for any new assignments failed to fall through when he discovered Hoagie had the computer shut down for maintenance. He would have ordered Hoagie to bring the system back online, but he was away attending the KND High-Flyer's convention. So that was a no go. Perfect.
So with no new missions, he hoped to get things rolling by going over Abby's latest reconnaissance reports, but she had been dragged off to her sister's tennis match for family support. His last hope fell on Wally and inspecting his calibrations to the Treehouse Anti-Adult Whacker 4000, but he had been grounded…again.
That left him with Kuki, but unless he suddenly fell down the laundry chute, broke his arm, or came down with something, she was technically off duty, and now thanks to the state the rest of the team had left him in, he was as well. That was just super.
He tried to make use of his free time by going through old paperwork he had on hand. It had to be turned in by the end of the week, and it never hurt to triple check over anything. But then Kuki urged him to join her in watching some special or another on television. He really wasn't paying attention to the name of the program, but after enough pestering – and a grudgingly adorable amount of puppy dog eyes– he agreed to at least sit with her while he worked. As long as she was satisfied then he could get his reports done in peace.
Of course, that notion had been blown to heck when it went to commercial and a local toy store just so happened to be having a clearance sale on a assortment of stuffed animals. Stuff animals Kuki loudly and excitedly proclaimed she needed to have. As soon as the commercial ended, there was a silence in the room. Then, he glanced over to her with a look that screamed he was NOT going anywhere for a bunch of dolls.
Several minutes later, they were in the R.O.A.D.S.T.A.R en route to the store, with Kuki singing along to the radio, and him vowing one day to find a way to resist her pouts and quivering lips.
The wait in line had to be the longest, most aggravating thirty-three-and-a-half minutes of his life. He was sure he was going to burn alive in the heat and his scalp would be ridden with sunburn. The line was chock full of screeching toddlers with peeved parents who seemed to think it was all HIS fault they were all suffering with the way he gave him annoyed looks every so often. It was a nightmare, and he was sure he was a tiny spark away from exploding.
He was thankful Kuki opted to stay quiet at his side. Her only commotion consisted of humming a mild tune and hugging her piggy bank tightly to her chest. When a baby gave a starling wail, she was ripped from her own little world and grimaced at the reality of the scorching sun and blusterous city noise. She shifted in her sneakers, and sent him an apologetic look when she noticed his irritation. Seeing that, he slackened his features, and waved it off; standing straighter and deciding to take it like the trained operative he was.
His posture was shaken again when his felt something soft placed upon his head. He lowered into a fighting stance, only to look confused as Kuki's giggles fluttered in his ears. Raising a brow, he patted the object to find a rainbow monkey themed cap on his head. His raven haired friend only smiled and said it would keep his head from cooking crispy. Touched from the gesture, he lowered his hands and left it in place. He couldn't deny that his scalp felt much cooler now. So as Kuki resumed her humming, his lips quirked into a barely visible smile.
And he would ignore the snickering of some other children in line. For now.
Finally after what seemed like forever, the line had shortened and they were on the cusp of entering the store. With a quick glance through the pane glass, Kuki let off an elated squeal once she confirmed what she wanted was in stock. Without further delay, she skipped into the building. Nigel chuckled as he shook his head, and prepared to follow her.
Well, he would have, had someone not knocked him out before he could even open the door.
He awoke much later, sporting a nasty sore and splitting headache, and was greeted by another villainous catchphrase he would be forced to commit to the never ending gallery.
"Pop Quiz!"
So here he was, in some forsaken warehouse, and his crudtastic day topped off with some new aspiring adult child torturer. He didn't bother to catch the old coot's name, but believed it was something along the lines of "The Grand InQuiZitor", a middle aged looking adult with a stark white suit plastered with scholastic letters and numbers. Apparently, he thought he was clever.
As expected, he was forced to listen to the man's dastardly background story. He used to be some highly acclaimed professor who's main concern was the country's educational decay, and went to extremes to do something about it. Sadly, there was a lawsuit, a puppy was kicked, he was fired from the university, vowed to prove his critics wrong, donned some outrageous costume, and so on and so on.
Now, he planned to truly test the intellect of children by randomly snatching them up for his insane pop quizzes. And if they failed? They were considered "too dumb to live". Literally. And he decided to make his grand debut by making his number one first victim Numbuh 1 himself. How original.
"Next question," the InQuiZitor rattled off with a feral grin. From his platform above Nigel, he plucked a large encyclopedia from the stack at his side, and flipped through countless pages. "Oh, here's a fun little riddle. If someones claims that they always lie, are they being truthful?"
Nigel groaned as he was forced to produce an answer. "No?"
A buzzer sounded throughout the area, and Nigel flinched. He felt himself lowering slightly, and looked down to see his body inching closer to a pool of freezing water. Growling at the rope constricting him, he cursed the fact he forgone from wearing his jet-boots. If he lived through his, he swore he would never wear any other foot gear.
"Wrong answer. That was a paradox; there was no logical answer. How would you know they didn't lie when they admitted to lying?"
"That's a trick question!"
"Anyone of decent wit would have called it out," the man taunted. Releasing the lever, he flipped to another page. "Next question: what is the highest peak of the Ural Mountains?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" The buzzer went off again, and Nigel huffed as he was lowered again. The water gave off a glint as he edged closer, and his frustration was at a breaking point.
"Wrong answer," the InQuiZitor sighed as he slammed the book shut. "Hmm, the prospect of drowning doesn't seem to pressure you to think as much as I hoped. I'll make a note to add piranhas for my next "student". Ha ha, you make for an excellent experimental trail, Numbuh 1." Nigel grumbled as the adult chuckled at his own jokes, and put his efforts into escaping.
Trying to move around was a struggle. He was dangling in midair, and the rope held up by the crane was almost skin tight. But he was sure if given a chance, he could break free. Hoping the InQuiZitor wouldn't notice, he wiggled again and attempted to switch on the laser from his KND All Purpose Wrist Gadget-thingy.
"Do I detect an implication of foul play in your fidgeting?" The bald boy stopped dead, and looked up to the adult who was eying him attentively. "It's little cheaters like you who force me to do this."
Nigel glared. "And with lunatics like you, it's no wonder kids think teachers are out to get them."
InQuiZitor face was blank before it morphed into a smile. "Here's an easy one: what happens to little deviant cheaters when they're caught?"
Nigel arched a brow, wondering if it was that easy. "They fail?"
"No," he teased, pulling the lever back a tad more and filling with delight as Nigel squirmed the more he lowered. "They die." A dinging sound went off behind him, and he seemed mildly amused.
"Speaking of teaching, I think it's time we tallied your score!" He stepped back to a printing device, and awaited for the results. After ripping the sheet from the machine, he skimmed it over with a disappointed gaze. "Tsk tsk. Only two out of ten. That's not a passing score, sad to say."
"Oh drat. No gold star for me, then?"
"I expected a lot of you, Numbuh 1. Which says something, because my I didn't believe my expectations could get any lower." His hand gripped the lever, and a wicked gleam entered his eyes. "Here's your final question: how long can a Kids Next Door operative hold their breath before they suffer from asphyxiation? Let's find out, shall we?"
Nigel's eyes widened behind his shades, and his brain worked overtime for a way to get out of this. Sadly, the more the InQuiZitor laughed and the closer he got to the water, a super-cool last minute escape seemed more and more unlikely.
"Hey! You can't tie people up then throw them into a pool. How are they supposed to doggie-paddle?"
"Oh how convenient for you," the InQuiZitor sneered at Nigel before turning his attention behind him. He gazed down to the floor bellow, and sniggered a tad as he saw a little girl in an overgrown emerald sweater thinking she could stare him down. "And what are you supposed to be? The cavalry?"
"I'm not going to let you dunk Numbuh 1 in that pool, you big meanie. He doesn't have his swim-trunks on!" She backed up her statement by whipping out her T.H.U.M.P.E.R and aimed it with deadly precision. "So let him go, or I'll open a can of whoop…whoop… Uh, Numbuh 1? What's that thing Numbuh 4 said that got him grounded?"
"You shouldn't repeat things like that, Numbuh 3. They don't, er, suit you."
"As enlightening as all this is, I'm rather busy at the moment," The InQuiZitor interrupted. Kuki regained her ferocity, but he only waved it off. "Oh yes, quite frightening; I'm shivering. But if you'll divert your attention by ninety degrees north…" The girl looked around confused, and the adult groaned. "Look up."
"Huh?" Kuki followed his instruction and glanced to the ceiling, only to gawk at what she saw. "What…is that?"
"That, would be the world's largest encyclopedia," the InQuiZitor explained. A behemoth sized book hung from the ceiling directly above Kuki; only held up by one sturdy wire.
"It also doubles as the world's most boring gag prop, but I assure you, it has all the weight to back up the former statement. So unless you want to experience that crippling weight firsthand, then don't make any sudden movements." He then turned away from the girl, and settled back on his main prize. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a brat to drown."
"Wait!" Kuki spoke again, her voice no different then before, not even with the knowledge she could be crushed at any moment. "You like quizzes right? Well, I won trivia last game night, and I bet I can answer all of your questions!"
"Hmm," the InQuiZitor stroked his chin as he studied the girl. After a quick examination, his scowl deepened. "You don't seem a like a bright one, wouldn't be as sporting."
"Aw, what's the matter? Chicken?"
"Oh, why not? I would've needed to pick you off sooner or later." He reached for a much smaller book, and made a show of flipping through it languidly. "For you, we'll start off with something very simple. What is the capital of Japan?"
"Typical," Kuki scoffed as she crossed her arms. "Just because I'm Asian, you assume I know everything about those kinds of things. Well, I for one am offended, Mister!"
The InQuiZitor sported a dry look. "I don't assume you to know because of your ethnicity, I assume you know it because it's basic study!"
"We haven't even got to that sort of thing in school yet. It's unfair to ask something above my grade level!"
"Grade level? But you should...bah! Forget it!" He snidely turned to another page, then smiled to himself as he looked down to the girl. "Next question: what is the air-speed of an unladen swallow?"
"Oh oh! I so know this one!" Kuki's hands fled to her hips, and she adopted a highly smug aura. "Is it an African or European swallow?"
"…European."
"Nooo. You were SUPPOSED to say you didn't know, then fall off a cliff."
The InQuiZitor pinched the bridge of his nose. "You watch too much television!"
"No I don't! Well, okay, so I watch Rainbow Monkey Love Drama, the Rainbow Monkey Magical Dream series, Laser Samurai Ballerina, My Three Wives, and Puffy Power Teens sometimes...ooh! The season premiere of Mistress Amanda comes on tonight and –"
"Enough!" The InQuiZitor yelled, obviously annoyed. Rubbing his temples, he thought of the next one off the top of his head. "What's the square root of pi?"
"Now you want pie? Geez, if you're so hungry you shouldn't have skipped lunch."
"Not pie as in pastries, pi as in mathematics and science, you stupid girl!"
"Well it's not MY fault you couldn't be more specific."
"When I crush you, I'm going to enjoy it FAR more then I should…"
Nigel watched the debate go back and forth. The InQuiZitor asking a question and Kuki completely twisting it around and missing the point, which in turn only made the former party more furious as time ticked on. He narrowed his eyes and tried to figure out just what the heck she thought she was doing. Why would she just barge in and lose the element of surprise? He didn't think she was that dense. As silently as he could, he tried motioning her to get out while she could, but she didn't even seem to notice him at all.
Wait. No she…she did notice? Yeah, every other second, her eyes would flick in his direction and her head would bob a bit. A subtle message the InQuiZitor failed to pick up on in his growing rage. Her pupils shone with an almost frantic urgency, he could tell that much. And something else. She seemed…seemed…annoyed. Annoyed with him?
How the heck could she be annoyed with him? He was the one tied up with only a flick away from meeting his watery grave while she was down there acting all willy-nilly, and messing around with the InQuiZitor and distracting him when she should be…
Of course, she was distracting him. Now he got it. He glanced over to the adult himself, and held back a snicker at how he was losing his aloof charm in front of Kuki. Thinking back, all his vast "intellect" never stood a chance against her. After making sure the man had totally zoned him out while he heatedly heckled his teammate, Nigel fidgeted to activate his wrist gadget again. After a few tries, he heard a sharp hissing noise, and he smirked when he felt the rope start to slacken.
" – Homophone! I said homophone, not homophobe, you ignorant little TWIT!"
"Are you suuure?" Kuki asked while batting her lashes, ignoring how the adult was seething in anger. "They sound the same to me."
"…W-Why you little!" The man stopped himself to run a hand through his fading hairline. He was losing his nerve, quivering in fury at the audacity this brat was showing him. Not wanting to accept a child could be so…so airheaded, he practically tore his book apart trying to find another question.
"H-Here! Even YOU can answer this! If X plus one equals four, then what is X? Can you answer THAT?"
"Cha! Of course I can answer that!" Kuki giggled, and for a moment, the man actually appeared hopeful. "But first you need to use numbers, not X, silly. Everyone knows you can't add letters and numbers together." She cutely tapped the side of her head in a mocking fashion. "Duh."
The InQuiZitor visibly deflated at that. He was eerily silent for a long minute before he replied in a calm tone full of subtle malice. "I…don't believe it. Everything that has come from that endless void that you call a mouth, has been some of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in any of your rambling, incoherent responses did you even come close to what can be considered a rational thought. I...I actually think I've become more stupid just for being audience to your nonsense. YOU are what's wrong with education today. Exhibit A, B, and C. Children like you, who just fiddle away in front of a blinking screen, cuddle up to dolls they worship as divines, and more then likely, have never picked up a book once they stopped having colorful pictures in them.
"You are not leaving here alive. I…I just cannot allow someone with that much disregard for the educational process to continue to breathe. I'm going to start crushing you now…and I don't know when I'll stop. I intend to put you out of my misery," he finished coldly. His hand slowly rose up, and revealed a small switch which would drop the large encyclopedia. "Goodbye."
"O-kay…" Kuki just blinked at his exaggerated rant. She then noticed something moving behind him, then looked over and smiled once she saw Nigel was no longer contained. "But now I have a question for YOU, Mr. Smarty-pants!"
"…Fine," he relented, actually intrigued at what she could possibly say next. "I believe that there are no stupid questions…and I await to see how you'll prove me wrong."
Kuki grinned innocently as she tilted her head. "What kind of dummy-head wastes his time arguing with a little girl while the guy he's kidnapped is escaping?"
"Is that all?" The InQuiZitor asked, astounded. He actually looked thoughtful about it, and completely missed how a small body landed behind him. "I suppose it would have to be a bumbling incompetent who failed to pay attention."
Kuki tapped her chin, her eyes sparkling brightly. Like she knew a spicy little secret. "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," he replied, preparing the crush her. But then his common sense kicked in and he began to turn around. "Wait…wha-"
BAM!
Nigel lowered his leg after he sent the adult flying. He leaned over the railing, and watched as the man fell. "You are correct, sir."
The InQuiZitor fell head first towards the ground floor, but before he could make contact, a stuffed animal was launched from seemingly nowhere and socked him head-on. The force was surprisingly enough to send him into a mid-air back flip until he landed harshly on his backside.
Once the man was down, Kuki ambled up next to the body and peered down curiously. She lightly poked him with the tip of her shoe, and was met with a groan. Satisfied, she smiled as she held up her T.H.U.M.P.E.R adoringly, as if praising the weapon for such a good shot.
Looking down again, she suddenly felt the need to for a Numbuh 2-esque one-liner. "Looks like you…failed. He he he! That's so silly…"
"Numbuh 3!" Nigel landed on the deck, and headed for the girl and the downed villain. After sparing a snort at the adult, he turned to Kuki with a look of gratitude and bewilderment. "Numbuh 3, how did you find me? I didn't even know where he'd taken me."
"With this!" she exclaimed as she stuffed something into his hands. He immediately recognized it as the rainbow monkey orientated cap she gave him earlier. The InQuiZitor must have tossed it aside before he tied him up. "It's the Rainbow Monkey Toddler Tracker: your kids can enjoy rainbow monkey love, and you'll never have to worry about their exact location ever again! Ever. I got it in a sale, but didn't think I'd ever get to use it." She then reached into her pouch and pulled out a hefty looking tracking device. "Had to stop and get batteries though…"
"Nevertheless, thank you for that distraction," Nigel began as he rubbed the sore spot on the back of his neck. "If you hadn't got here, then I'd be on my last breath right now."
"Took you long enough to catch on, silly-head!" Kuki teased as she playfully slapped his arm. "I mean, I was like 'Helloooo! Get your big butt in gear!'. I thought I would have to spell it out for you which would had been REALLY hard to do."
"Yeah, you did your job admirably," he praised. "I mean it, great job Numbuh 3. It's refreshing to see a Diversionary Tactics Officer take their job to heart."
"It's like playing pretend! And I love pretend! You can be a princess who really turns out to be a super-spy double agent who has to save the cute animals and secret service hunks and –"
"Okay, okay, I get it," he stated softly to calm her down. As he lowered his hands, he winced and felt a tingling pain above his brow. Patting the area, he groaned when he realized he somehow cut himself along the way. "That's gonna sting for awh- OW!" he yelped when Kuki suddenly slapped a band-aid on the cut. "Hey!"
"Safety first!"
"Don't I know it…" he grumbled. Seeing her hurt expression, he sighed. "Sorry, Numbuh 3. I've been having one of those days."
Kuki nodded, then smiled innocently. "Use the wrong shampoo this morning?"
"Heh. Isn't it obvious?" he chuckled. He then paused as he remembered something. "Wait, what about that clearance sale you went on about?"
"Oh that. Well I was looking around and asked you what you thought of this classic styled doll, but you took forever to answer, so then I turned around, and you weren't there! At first I thought you went back to the treehouse and then I got sad 'cause you said you'd help me pick out which ones to get. But then I found out what really happened to you and got mad."
"Well, is there still time to get back there?"
"Of course it is!" Kuki cheered. But after a moment, her joy slowly faded, and she looked liked someone had stomped on one of her dolls. "But a lot of the prices were higher then I thought and I don't have enough allowance saved up."
Nigel tightened his lips at that. He owed her as a teammate, and friend, for what she had done for him. She had saved his butt after all. But he wasn't exactly wasn't swimming in dough either, he used most of his allowance to help fund the KND. There had to be something he could do though…
"So what about him? We call in a transport, right?"
Her question broke him from his trance and he looked down to the crumpled form of the InQuiZitor. His sharp over-shirt and tie reduced to a crinkly mess, and his wrinkled face was left with the slight imprint of where Kuki nailed him with a well placed T.H.U.M.P.E.R shot. He'd have to remind himself to commend Hoagie for upping the blunt force damage.
Suddenly, he got an idea.
"Not just yet, Numbuh 3." He folded his hands across behind his back, and stood with a sturdy posture. "After all, as KND operatives, it's our duty to make sure adult scum like this pays for their crimes accordingly." There was a twinkle in his shades, and when Kuki caught on to his subtle hint, she grinned.
He had been reduced to this. It was beyond comprehensible humiliation. He was a scholar. A professor at the greatest university that housed brilliant minds. When he taught, people listened. When they left his classroom, he knew for a fact they were going somewhere. Because he mentored them. He molded the new somebodies of the generation. His mind was his tool, and their minds were his canvas. They were his art. Education was his art.
He watched as his art began to die, he wasn't going to stand by and gawk. He was going to act. And this is where it landed him.
Fired from his job.
Having to take an alias as some buffoonish Saturday morning cartoon villain to get his point across.
And now, beaten by the problem. By children.
Outsmarted by a twit.
But they thought he was finished? No, that was nowhere near a final exam. It was just a pre-test compared to what his mind was abuzz about now. They would get theirs.
They will.
But…for now…
"I want that one, and that one, that one too! Ohh, they're soo cute! I'll get two!"
The Grand InQuiZitor groaned as Kuki continued to pile up her already overflowing cart with more exotic looking stuff animals, rainbow monkeys, whatever she could get her grubby little hands on. His hands were shackled together with plastic handcuffs that – surprisingly – felt stronger then steel, and his bruised form was being totted around like some pet in this awfully bright atmosphere toy store.
A teenager passed by with his little sister on his back. Upon seeing the InQuiZitor's getup, he sniggered. "What are you supposed to be? The Riddler?"
He snarled at the youth, but could do nothing about it. They approached the front counter, and Kuki spoke up again. Which in turn, meant he died a little more on the inside with every new word.
"Aww! It's a rare Puppy-Bear!" She squealed as she hugged the stuffed doll to her chest affectionately. She then placed it on the counter, and smiled up towards the cashier. "Add this too, please."
The man proceeded to scan the numerous items, the numbers of the receipt only growing in digits. After all was finally said and done, Kuki and the cashier looked towards the InQuiZitor expectantly.
"How will you be paying for this, sir?"
The InQuiZitor scowled. For a moment, he felt his resolve strengthen ten-fold. He glared down at Kuki, and opened his mouth to tell her off and leave her with the bill.
"Ahem."
Cl-Click!
The words died in his mouth as a fully loaded S.C.A.M.P.P pressed into his jawline.
He looked down to his side to see Nigel holding up the weapon with an expectant expression. Weighing his options,he grumbled as he went to his pockets to pull out his wallet (which was near impossible handcuffed, not that he could convince them to let him loose anyway).
He somehow managed the impossible, and started flipping through his wallet while estimating how much it would cost him. He stalled, checked the total again, then sighed and ended up handing over the whole thing. Not like he was going to get any change back anyway.
Seeing that the transaction was complete, Kuki cheered and Nigel smirked up to the InQuiZitor. "Now that's the answer I was looking for."
Summer's here, I'm pumped, let's gooo~