Be warned, kind stranger; ye enter these lands with an open mind, or ye go home a disappointed lad.
Disclaimed.
BlackFish
Chapter One: Enter Link; A Kind of Racist Hero
The story starts off in a forest full of children, much like Peter Pan's Neverland, deep into the heart of a land called Hyrule. We follow our cameras to a small tree house wherein lays a boy of ten. This boy, with blonde hair and blue eyes, is called a Kokiri, for he resides in Kokiri Forest, a place with children that are actually grown men and women. Link, or whatever his name was changed to when you began your game, is currently having a nightmare.
"Oomph!" His childish and highly annoying shrill is heard all around the village. "Hya…hii…ho…" He flinches, and the author delves into his mind to show the world what he dreams. The first thing seen are two white elves, one old, the other young, riding on a white steed. The younger one is looking back at him, worry etched onto her awkward looking face. Moments later a black elf appears, he rides on a black steed. Link goes into shock at the sight of him, fear enveloping his very being. He was obviously seeing things, for there was no such thing as a black elf.
The author reels back from the blatant racism.
The audience shakes their heads.
Now we cut from the rather racial dream of our soon to be hero, and fly off to a clearing at the back of the woods, where an old-
"Hold it!" A snotty looking kid with freckles on his face freezes the audience. "I can't let you in here without a sword and shield!" The author rolls her eyes and pushes the fifty year old kid out of the way.
"Not yet, Mido." She drags the audience to the back of the forest and lets them catch sight of a large tree with a moustache, a nose, and squinting eyes. The tree has a male gender, which is rather weird. After all, isn't it suppose to be 'Mother Nature'? The tree, seeing its audience, begins to speak.
"Navi…" He coughs, leaves flowing down his brown bark. "Navi…come to me…" There is a silence. "Navi? Navi?!" The author kicks a white ball making snoozing noises into the clearing.
"Hey!"
"Navi…" The tree cuts off the ball's response, and the audience is awed to see the ball sprout wings and float. It takes them only moments before they realize that the ball had also spoken. "Come hither, Navi…" Navi slowly floats over to the human looking tree and hides a yawn.
"Yes, Great Deku Tree?" The tree, we notice, does not move its lips. However, its words are heard clearly.
"Navi…My time is neigh…my life withers quickly…I wilt with time…I blink away with existence…" Navi tilts to the side.
"Huh?"
"…" The Deku Tree freezes in speech. "Navi…" He tries again. "My house is falling…I am close to my expiration date…my pizza has gone cold…?" Navi floats in a confused silence, drool leaking from her confused ball, and the Deku Tree sighs. "I'm dieing."
"Oh!" Navi bobs up and down in sudden understanding before going even whiter. "Oh no! That's terrible!" She then freezes. "Okay…what do you want me to do about it?" The Deku Tree shakes in silent fury before seeming to take in deep breaths. The author can only assume, for his mouth has yet to move.
"Go forth, Navi, and find the child with no fairy!"
"Why?"
"JUST GET THE DAMN CHILD AND BRING HIM BACK!" Eeping, Navi floats from the forest in a hurry, an annoying music accompanying her. It sounds kind of like: dun dun dunna dun dunna dun dunna dun dunna na, dun dun dunna dun dunna dun dunna dun dunna na, dunna dun dunna dun dunna dun dunna na, dunna dun dunna dun-Sorry. I'm completely off topic.
Ahem.
After flying into a fence, Navi finds her way to the smallest tree house in the forest, where Link still thrashes in the throes of his racial nightmare. "Hey!" She shouts, ignoring his shivering. "Wake up!" Link rolls over to his side and curls up.
"Hyaa…"
"Come on!" Navi bobs up and down, annoyed with her charge, and begins to yell. "Why does the Great Deku Tree request the presence of such a lazy child?!" Suddenly, a hand flies out and smacks her into a wall, where she lays limp for ten minutes as Link awakes and leaves the tree to do his daily business. When Link returns, he is knocked back by the force of an angry fairy. "What the hell, yo?! Why ya gotta be like that homes?!"
"Hii?" Link blinks in confusion as Navi takes a moment to calm down.
"Ahem! Hi, my name's Navi! And I don't want to hear any Navi the Navigator jokes, do you understand me?!" Her wings spike up for the barest moments before she calms again. "Now, the Great Deku Tree has asked me to fetch you, so hurry up and let's go!" She tugs on his arm to get the feeling of urgency across, making Link's eyes widen.
"Hii ho hya unh!" Navi blinks, horror making her ball like self turn gray.
"Oh Great Fairies no…" She stares him in the eyes. "You weren't given a script?!"
"Hum?" Link tilts his head to the side.
"Oh hell…" Navi mentally curses the Great Deku Tree. 'Great my ass! He didn't even give the boy a script! And he has the audacity to drop him off with me!' Sighing, she floats around her charge and begins to speak slowly. "Listen to me…Link…The Deku Tree…help…dieing…come forth…yadda yadda…blah blah blah…in the script…do you…understand?" Link scowls at her.
'Of course I understand ya skank! I was just surprised that you had arms, that's all!'
"Who the hell you calling a skank you Kokiri bastard child with no friends?!" Navi balls up her hands. "I outta knock…That's it!" Navi bobs up and down, anger momentarily forgotten. "That's a great idea! Link, you must mind speak to me without moving your lips or an annoying pitch of "hii haa ho" will flow from your mouth!"
'Why?' Link ponders in his mind, pissing Navi off greatly. She was speaking, hello!
"Because you don't have a damn script you queer!"
'I am not gay!' Navi snorts, looking down at his short green tights and heeled boots.
"Right, right…and Tingle is hot…right…"
'Who?'
"Look, never mind this now! Let's go see the Great Deku Tree before he kicks the bucket!" Navi then flies into his shirt, disappearing from view, and making Link jump at her sudden closeness. He stands there in shock for all of three moments before a twist on his nipple makes him jump forward. "Get going you douche!" Sighing, Link straightens his clothes and walks from his house, into the annoying presence of the adult yet still child looking Kokiri, and is dragged into another cut scene.
"Link, over here!" A rather pretty looking Kokiri with green hair runs forth, waving at him. "Congratulations Link, you have a fairy!"
"As if he couldn't get any gayer!"
"Yeah! The queer!"
'I'm not-'
"Shut up fuck faces this is my screen time!" The green haired Kokiri scowls at the others in the village, eyes glowing white in her anger, and takes pleasure in the fact that she is the only Kokiri with a different colored hair. This is how we know she is important. The others in the forest go quiet in fear, some pissing their pants as the music naturally given to them abruptly begins to screech; 'DAIMOS!' "Now, where was I? Oh yes!" She clears her throat and turns to smile up at Link, whom is cowering in a corner. "Congratulations Link, you have a fairy!" The music cuts back to its original state and the forest adult kids breathe sighs of relief.
"Hyaa!" Link smiles nervously, wondering how she knew he had a fairy when the evil thing was in his clothes, twisting his nipples and giggling all the while. A particularly hard pinch has him yelping and he looks down into his shirt.
"I thought I told you to think your speech!" Navi screeches at him. "You'll only make yourself look like a dumb ass if you continue in the way you're going!" Nodding, Link climbs down his ladder, only to be caught in another cut scene.
"Oh Link, how wonderful! You've been summoned by the Great Deku Tree and given a fairy all in one day! Congratulations!"
'Thanks, Saria.' Link blushes, feeling his heart go doki doki at the sight of her. He ignores the fact that he'd told her none of this. She was so beautiful…Le sigh…Saria frowns at him, eyes beginning to turn white.
"I can hear your thoughts, you know." Link pales and scratches his head, getting a little nervous and shuffling his feet. Saria, however, merely smiles again, and gestures him forward. "Go on, Link, head to the Great Deku Tree. I'm sure he wants to meet you. I'll wait for you here." Link nods nervously and heads off, ignoring the bug eyed and mysterious adult kids that look strangely alike. Laziness? Bad budgeting? Who knows but the person whom made the-Ahem! Walking the dirt path to the back of the forest, Link stops at the opening to the grove of the Great Deku Tree.
"Hold it!" An annoyingly familiar voice shouts out. "I can't let you in here without a sword and shield!" Mido appears in all of his freckled face glory, though Link notices his clothes are a tad dirty. Link stands there for a moment before finally remembering to speak.
'Mido, the Great Deku Tree has summoned me! I must go at once before he kicks the bucket!' He nods to himself, sure of the fact that Navi would back him up, but he notices, rather belatedly, that the white fairy is off splashing in the water.
When the hell did she leave his tunic?
"Yeah right!" Mido pushes him away and taps his foot. "As if he'd call you up! A scrawny snot nosed brat! You'd better go find a sword and shield if you want to progress this story line!" Scowling, Link turns around and stomps forward, joined moments later by a wet ball.
"Hey!" Navi floats beside him. "We'd better go find a sword and shield so that you can get into the forest grove of the Deku Tree. I'm pretty sure the shop sells-"
'How do you know that's what he said when you were off splashing in the water?!' Navi ignores him.
"I'm pretty sure the shop sells shields, but I'm not sure where to find a sword. After all, the Kokiri sword is legendary, even if it was legend to be a toothpick, and no one has ever found it before."
'So wait,' Link pauses in mid step, halting their visit to the store. 'You mean to tell me that not only must I purchase a damn shield-'
"Deku shield, yes."
'But that I also have to find a sword that no one has ever seen before and is only a legend?' Navi bobs to indicate that yes, that was exactly correct. Link grabs his hair in frustration, vowing to kill whomever came up with this story line. The author puts her hands up in a general gesture of peace. After all, this is fan fiction, she held no part in making the real thing.
Moving on.
Link scowls his way to the store, still upset about this. Why did he even need a sword and shield to get into the Deku Tree's grove? There was something going on here, he just knew it.
"Hey, Link, up here!" The voice startles him from his thoughts that everyone can hear, and he looks up at a Kokiri girl sitting on a small top porch of the forest store. The girl waves at him and giggles. "Link, talk to me! Press L to use your fairy and talk to me!" Link blinks.
'Press…L?' He scratches his head and looks down at Navi, whom shrugs and floats up to hover around the girl's head.
"That's it! That's how you use a fairy!" The girl claps her hands. "When you want to talk to someone from long distance, L target them with your fairy! Then push A to talk to them!" She then goes quiet and stares into the distance, freaking out the author, the audience, and the hero. Navi, however, is use to this. She's been in this forest for three hundred-
"AHEM!"
Navi has been in this forest for twenty years, she is use to the Kokiri's strange behavior.
"Come on, Link! Go buy a shield so we can look for a sword already!" Link nods slowly and cautiously edges into the store, hoping that the girl won't jump off the porch…He goes into the shop and stops in confusion as big bold print races into his vision. Kokiri Shop. The words then vanish, leaving him standing at the entrance with a stupefied look on his face.
'Did I just see…' he shakes his head, perplexed, and walks forward. There is only one other person in the store besides him, excluding the short guy jumping behind the counter, and Link scowls at her. She is one of the forest twins, even if there are several other girls in the forest that look exactly like her, and the twins are known to spend big money. The girl does look rather confused though. Ignoring her, Link goes straight up to the counter.
'Um-'
"Welcome." The kid cuts him off. There is utter silence as Link waits to see if he is finished before he tries again.
'How much for a shield?'
"We sell Deku Seeds too," the short Kokiri begins. "But I can't sell it to you if you don't have a Slingshot." Even Navi looks confused.
"That's not what he asked-"
"I can't decide what I'm going to buy…" The voice of the twin with several other girls that look exactly like her makes the two look over to her. She sighs. "It's too much to choose from." Link turns back to look at the items and blinks. 'There are only eight things…' Shaking his head, Link scowls. He would not get into this right now! Who cares if the only shop in Kokiri doesn't sell the daily necessities needed to live?! They somehow got by, correct?! He takes a deep breath to calm down and tries again.
'Um-'
"Welcome." The kid continues to jump up and down. "We sell Deku Seeds too, but I can't sell it to you if you don't have a Slingshot." Once more, the store plunges into silence. Link turns his face towards the shield and reels back as it mysteriously springs forth and begins to hover and spin. Deku Shield; 40 rupees. The mysterious text comes back. This is more than you can afford. Link blushes scarlet as he pats himself down and doesn't find his wallet. He then rememers being pushed earlier. 'Damn Mido, the thief!' Navi frowns.
"Can't we get a rain check?" She asks the still jumping child. The boy looks at her.
"Welcome." Navi grinds her teeth together in frustration as she goes to her happy place. Honestly! Adult like kids these days! Link sighs, turns away from the door, and begins to walk out.
"Wait!" Shouts the author. "Link! Go into that corner over there; five rupees hide within!" Link and Navi looks around in confusion but does as the voice says and, lo and behold, they acquire five rupees! This, however, does not make them happy. It only seems to make them scared.
"Was it…Him…?" Navi whispers to Link. The female author gets offended. Link shivers.
'Let's get the hell out of here…' Looking around, the two bolts from the store, not knowing that they are still being followed by the camera crew and audience. Once outside of the store the two heads to the small pond to their immediate right and, ignoring the sign, jumps the stepping stones. As they make it to the final one a blue rupee appears above Link's head and he gasps. 'The Gods are following us, Navi! They've got weird designs on us!'
"Shut up, Link! Shut up and run!" The two run all the way to the front of the forest where a large tunnel stands. Unfortunately for them, it is being blocked by an older Kokiri, and older Kokiri are great fighters. This is why Link doesn't see the elbow until it knocks him on his ass.
"Yo!" The Kokiri male glares down at him. "Time to pay the piper, rat boy; I'm here to collect!" As Link blinks the stars from his eyes, the author tries to calm down her audience.
"That's from Fruits Basket! Kyo says that to Yuki when they first see him!"
"Shh!"
And the author, while not sincerely promising, promises to try to keep other people's phrases from her work.
"Link," the Kokiri male tries to take away the audience's attention. "You can't leave the forest! Any Kokiri that leaves the forest will die!"
"…Seven days…" His fairy inches up from his tunic slowly, her body a soft pale, though her eyes are orange and almost as big as she. "…Seven days…" She repeats the words, eyes ticking as she slowly drops back into his tunic. Link slowly inches back.
'…Of course…Heh…' Navi tugs on his nipple and bobs to the right.
"Quick, Link, behind Mido's house!" The two dart to the aforementioned house and hides behind it, Navi backing into Link in fear. "Hey, what do you know…" A horrified laughter passes through her. "Five rupees." Slowly, Link walks to the rupee. However, before he can pick it up, it disappears and reappears over his head, and that's when Link notices it.
'What the hell is that?' Navi follows his finger, which is pointing downward, and gasps.
"Link! That's the amount of money you are currently holding!" Her eyes then travel up and she tugs on his arm. "Link! You have hearts floating above you!" Her eyes then travel opposite the hearts. "Link! You have…um…yellow arrows and…um… a red button…above your… head?" As she speaks and points, Link's eyes followed her movements.
'What the hell is this?!' The author, realizing what is going on, decides to use a smoke bomb, graciously given to her by Ayame from Tenchu, and when the smoke clears Link is holding the Kokiri sword with a Deku Shield on his back. 'What the-'
Yay glitches!
Navi drunkenly sways to the side and bumps heads with her charge. "Link? What happened? Where are we?" Link shakes his head, massive pressure making him stumble forward, and frowns.
'I…I don't know. One minute, we were behind Mido's house and-and we looked up and-' Suddenly, a misty like smoke permeated the air, and Link and Navi found themselves standing before Mido.
"Hold it! I can't let you in here without a sword and shield!" Link begins to drool.
"Hyaa?"
"What's that?" Mido looks at his back. "Is that a Deku Shield? And what's that?!" His eyes widen as he looks at the legendary Kokiri sword strapped to his back. "Is that the legendary Kokiri sword?!" Link nods slowly.
'Yes ma, I cleaned my underwear.'
"Oh well, you still won't make it! Shoot! How did you get to be both the favorite of Saria and the Great Deku Tree, huh? Grumble, grumble…" Mido crosses his arms together and stomps to the side; it is here that we realize that Mido is a bowlegged elf.
How cute.
"Link…I don't feel so good…" Navi floats up from the ground where she had fallen after her brilliant flash-over, and laid forgotten in the dirty grass that many a forest child like adult had urinated and made fecal matter on for they held no toilets in their homes. Navi sniffs herself. This can't be good. "No really, Link, I don't feel so good." She tries to fly into his clothes, but Link refuses and jumps to the side whilst holding his nose.
'Oh Goddesses, you smell like shit, Navi! No, don't touch me! Ew!'
"Link!" She tries to grab onto him again and he squeaks.
'Ew, gross!' He runs into the grove to get away from her, though she merely follows. On the path to the grove three sticks with blue roses stick up in the air and spins around whilst clattering their teeth…Link doesn't notice them, or rather, he runs past them, and they quickly fall back into rose buds as Navi's sickly form follows through. They sniffle.
They are unloved.
"Link," the Great Deku Tree begins as the young Kokiri runs into the clearing. "I-Hot damn! What is that God awful smell?!" He begins to choke as Navi floats into the clearing.
"Great…Deku…Tree…" She coughs. "I have done…As requested…" The Deku Tree throws a stick at her.
"Goddesses above, Navi! You smell like shit!" Navi sniffs herself.
"Um…" The Deku Tree throws another stick at her.
"Go! Get out of here! Go wash up!"
"But Great Deku Tree-"
"Get going!" Sadly and sickly, Navi floats back through the forest. The audience scoots to the side so as not to catch whatever it is she has. That, and she smells. This leaves Link and the Great Deku Tree in an awkward silence. At the current time, Link is rubbing his arms, and the Great Deku Tree, while not moving, has steadfastly refused to look at him. Though Link can't tell because the tree's eyes are so squinty. Link, deciding to break the ice, coughs.
'So…Great Deku Tree…'
"Hm?"
'Why didn't I get a script?' Another awkward silence descends.
"Well, Link, you see…This story dates back to the ages of your movie."
'I have a movie?' Link's eyes grow wide. The Deku Tree cringes.
"Yes, Link, you have a movie. But, let's just say that it wasn't that good and stick with that. Ahem, as for your script, well, I still have it." Link's eyes, if possible, grows wider.
'Then give it to me!'
"No, Link, I don't think you want it."
'Then can I at least read it?' The Deku Tree's moustache twitches before a sigh comes and goes.
"I suppose there is no harm…" Suddenly, a thick book falls from the Deku Tree's canopy. Link picks the book up and slowly begins to leaf through it. As he begins his face is set in euphoria, however, by the time Navi has come back, the sun has sunken and arisen again, the audience has left and come back, and the author has watched a few episodes of Judge Mathis, Link's face is set in horror.
'What the hell is this shit?!' He throws the book to the ground. 'This is my script?! And what the hell is het? Who's Zelda? How come she has a name in the title and I'm doing all the work?!'
"You will find out on your own, Link." The Deku Tree sighs. "But for now, we must get on track." He coughs and an ominous music plays in the background, signaling to a mildly annoyed audience that the show was finally continuing. "Link…Come forth…" Link stands up and walks towards the Great Deku Tree slowly, discreetly chucking the Book of Script on his way.
'Yes?'
"Link…my water is boiling out…" The Great Deku Tree sighs as an immediate look of confusion dawns on Navi's face.
'It means he's dieing, Navi.' Link explains patiently. Navi gives a false chuckle.
"Silly…I knew that…" Clearing whatever throat he manages to have, the Deku Tree catches their attention.
"Link…I haveth been cursed by a…black man…" Link gasps.
"Black?!" Both Navi and the Deku Tree stares at him in shock.
"Link?" Navi floats to him. "Did you just speak from your mouth?" Link blinks at her.
"Ho?"
"Nevereth mindeth!" The Deku Tree coughs, looking at Link suspiciously. "Link…A black-" Link cringes; the audience gives him an suspicious look. Navi and the Deku Tree goes silent. "Is there something wrong, Link?" The Deku Tree asks as Link puts his hands on his ears and stomps his foot. He begins to mutter something from his lips.
"What's that?" Navi floats to him. "You've got something against blacks?"
"Won't…won't…" Link, much to everyone's shock and confusion, is saying this with his mouth.
"Won't what?" The Deku Tree questions. Link merely shakes his head.
"Won't believe in it…No such thing…Perfect world…" The audience scowls at the author, and she takes the moment to let the world know that she thinks it's funny. So if the audience has a problem with Link being this way and wants to flame, there is a nice little review button and they are welcomed to flame at anytime. After all, the author herself is African American, and she has no problem laughing at a few color jokes against herself. So the audience can go -- themselves if they have a problem with it.
Moving on.
"Link!" Navi scolds. "I can't believe you! What's wrong with being black?!" Link grabs his throat.
'Nothing wrong!' He screams in his mind. 'Just not right!'
"AHEM! AHEM!" The Great Deku Tree clears his throat. "AHEM! Thank you…" The ominous music is back. "Link…I haveth been cursed by a-" Link shuts his eyes. "An elf of bad nature…" The annoyed Deku Tree grounds out. Link nods and opens his eyes again.
'So?'
"So…" He takes a deep breath. "So…in order for me to live, you must go into my bark and break the curse put upon me-"
'What happened to the "eths" in your speech?' Link cuts him off. He sighs.
"Link…I can't even look at you right now. Just…hop into my mouth, break the damn curse if you can…" Suddenly, a mouth opens from beneath the Deku Tree's moustache and the audience goes "oh!" as they see that yes, he does have a mouth. "Seriously, I outta kick your ass for the way you think. You're one of my children…Papa didn't raise no fools!" Link sighs and stands up, inching his way to the Great Deku Tree's mouth . Before entering, he scowls.
'It's not that I don't like black elves…It's just that they always cause trouble…' And, as he enters the cavern of hot sap, Navi and the camera crew dogging his heels, Link knows that Mido was somehow in on all of this. The bastard.
:D /Waits for the flames/