I wrote this as a joke for a friend who told me to post it.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own the Turtles, if I did I wouldn't be trying to figure out how to meet them now would I?
The Fangirl's Guide to Luring the Ninja Turtles
Introduction
If you are interested in luring a Ninja Turtle or more into your home there are a few steps that you can take to aid in your endeavors. You are likely already aware that there are four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo. They each have their own unique interests and personalities but these techniques are in hope of using their similarities and your own charms to lure them in.
These techniques are not under any circumstances to be used in an evil scheme to do away with or in any way harm the Ninja Turtles. If you and your friends/cohorts wish to do harm to the Ninja Turtles please discard this advice at once.
That being said, I am thrilled you have decided to read this little bit of writing.
Mainly because it means that you have excellent taste, by way of being a Ninja Turtle fan.
And partly because I sincerely hope that anyone who succeeds will be sure to send the Turtles my way.
Blanket Disclaimer:
I do not approve of any illegal behaviors. I do not suggest that you actually follow through on any of the suggestions I provide. If you do, you must deal with any consequences yourself.
Step 1: Move to New York City
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live in New York City. If you live elsewhere in the world it may prove difficult to lure them to your city/town/village without taking drastic, expensive, or illegal measures. The Turtles are crime fighters, illegal measures are highly unlikely to work out well for you.
This being said, if you do not already live in New York City it would be recommended that the first step you take to meeting them is to move there.
If you already live in NYC, continue to do so.
Step 2: Stock freezer with frozen pizzas and a variety of pizza toppings
Most turtles can be fed food purchased in a pet store. This diet can be accompanied by a variety of fruits and vegetables and small fish.
The Ninja Turtles, however, are not most turtles.
These particular Turtles eat a larger variety of food more closely resembling human dietary habits. Namely pizza.
None of them seem especially picky when it comes to pizza toppings so it is possible that any pizza would do. However, stocking a larger variety of pizzas supplies means more temptations to lure them in. Also, having more to eat may result in them staying longer, or making return visits.
Anchovies and insects are not recommended as potential toppings.
Step 3: Become Damsel in Distress
Disclaimer: Step 3 not recommended by author for safety reasons
This step may be particularly tricky for male readers to achieve.
In the cartoon it appears that walking through dark alleys late at night make people easy targets for the Foot, Purple Dragons, and general scum of New York City.
It will be difficult for you to tell if the Turtles are watching the streets you are getting into danger in. They are ninjas, they will not be easily spotted by you so be careful as you consider placing yourself in danger.
When the Turtles come to your rescue be sure to faint or collapse rather run away. This makes it more likely that Michelangelo will want to keep you and that they will take you home to ensure you are alright.
Step 4: Be saved by four very awesome Turtles
Having made yourself seem weak and in danger or having fainted in the close proximity to danger, it will be difficult for the Turtles to resist the urge to rescue you. Even if you are evil scum. They're that kind of Turtles. (Provided they are aware of your impending peril that is. They may not be able to help you if they happen to be in the lair having a movie night and are unaware of your impending doom.)
This step involves the continuation of your near-peril life status. You will be surrounded by flying weapons and bad dudes, minor explosions and falling debris. There is also risk for time/space portals, transmitters, and other types of doors into other worlds or close proximity to angry aliens or demons.
Hitting the Turtles with a purse and calling them freaks is a frequent reaction at this point. Please try to refrain. It's rude.
Step 5: Offer them pizzas as a thank you for saving your life
If you feel the need to drug the pizza and tie up the Turtles to prevent their leaving you, you should be ashamed of yourself. They wouldn't like that. It's mean. And it may result in them destroying your home in order to break free. Also, you could get hurt. By them. And then they'd feel bad.
(The author does not in any way condone non-consensual bondage or drugging.)
Having managed to meet them, please keep squealing, giggling, blushing, gushing, and other annoying fan-girl sounds and reactions to a minimum. You don't want to make them too uncomfortable.
Step 6: Befriend Turtles over celebratory pizza so they will come to like you
Be friendly, amusing, charming.
Do not frighten the Turtles.
Do not threaten the Turtles.
Make them feel welcome. They are guests in your home.
If you achieved Step 4 successfully, you should be gracious to them for saving your life but not obnoxiously so.
Having a moderate understanding of martial arts and fighting may be beneficial in creating bonding conversations.
Having a decent selection of video games, comic books, punching bags, and random technology pieces may increase the effectiveness of any friend making techniques you apply.
Alternative methods including (but not limited to)
*Searching NYC sewer systems for hidden lairs
Wear tall rubber boots. If possible, locate maps of the sewer systems to ensure you don't get horribly lost. Be cautious when entering any lair you may stumble across. It may be filled with enemies or you may catch the Turtles mid-training/attack/sparring match/general brotherly roughhousing/personal or family time. They may at first take you to be a potential enemy so be prepared to dodge attacks. Have valid excuses ready as to why you are in the sewers in the first place. (Having a job working in the sewers would be a logical choice.)
*Become a pizza delivery person
Leave your phone number, home address, etc. in pizza boxes delivered to sewer grates. This may result in unwanted persons/mutants/evil ninjas finding your personal information. This step may require you to switch routes or store locations frequently until you find the one that delivers pizza to the sewers on a regular basis. You may also have to change your information frequently to avoid stalkers.
* Become fellow superhero
Wear a cape, jump off buildings (only if you can fly), beat the shell out of bad dudes. (Not recommended unless you have superpowers, even then it's at your own personal risk).
*Committing crimes causing them to seek you out and end your wrongful ways. (not suggested for safety/imprisonment reasons)
The Turtles fight criminals and will not be thrilled to see you committing a crime. They will attack you rather than aid you and will be hesitant to like you. You may be able to pull off convincing them that they have shown you the error of your ways and converted you into a law-abiding citizen but you may get harmed in the process.
*Build a teleporter
Use this to teleport them into your home. This would have the added bonus of providing you a conversation starter, particularly with Donatello. There are probably many ways in which this could go wrong but they're mostly scientific and technical and such and I don't feel like attempting to explain them.
*Find and stalk April O'Neil
Shredder and co. may have already attempted this. Also, its somewhat illegal and incredibly creepy. The Turtles may not approve of such behavior. This could result in restraining orders, imprisonment, or you being hurt by the Turtles. If they are aware that you are stalking their friend, they may not warm up to you.
Since the Turtles cannot file restraining orders against you, they may settle for taking you out in their own way as a way of protecting their family's as well as April's privacy, safety, and secrecy.
I hope you find these steps useful in your attempts to meet the Turtles.
If you succeed, please remember me and send them my way.
But have them call first so I can stock up on pizzas and random gadgets.