The Great Hogwarts Escape
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter!
A/N: Props and apologies to Bag of Moon Frogs, whose friend's inner squirrel I used without permission. Here's to hoping you don't sue my ass off.
Summary: OC centric one-shot! Hoshi DOES NOT want to be here. With a little help from Luna, Fred, George, and…Snape? With a little help, he can break away from the school…can't he?
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Attempt One: The Human Canon Ball
"Okay," Hoshi said to his comrades as they crouched in the broom cupboard, "This is the plan: we get Hagrid to smuggle a circus canon up to the Astronomy tower tonight, and I blast off to Hogsmeade and hitch a ride from there back to Japan!"
"What about your luggage?" George frowned.
"What kind of moron would give you a ride to Japan?" Fred snickered.
"I think my foot fell asleep," Luna said, "There must be a hob goblin in here!" she began batting at the air, and accidentally poked George in the eye.
"OWW!"
"Sorry," the loopy moon goddess said, "It must be the hob goblin."
"It must be your insanity," Fred muttered.
Hoshi cleared his throat. "Does everyone understand the plan? Fred, George, you get the safety gear, Luna, you pack my stuff."
"And what'll you be doing?" George asked.
"I'll be uh, earning money to pay for the canon."
"I hear Colin is looking for naked pictures of Harry again," Fred supplied helpfully, "Does that spark off any ideas?"
"Duly noted and yes, ideas are sparking."
"Daddy's got a wonderful Cuban gore cream that'll put those sparks right out," Luna offered.
"No thanks Luna, maybe some other time."
"I love this guy," George said, "He's a bloke after our own heart, eh Fred?"
"Ow! Stupid bugger, you elbowed me!"
"Ow! So you have to poke my bleeding eye!? Take that you arse!"
Hoshi felt around for the door knob and ended up with Luna's hand. "Let's get outta here before we get caught in this," he led her away.
"Ow!! My spleen!"
-later-
"I dunno, Hoshi," Fred fretted, "That doesn't look very safe to me."
"Yeah," George quipped, "Did you know this thing was made by Muggles?"
"Daddy says Christina Warbeck's latest single is based off the Crumple Horned Snorkack's mating song."
"This is totally safe Fred, no shit George, and Luna? I don't know what to say to that," Hoshi said, "Now, light the canon!"
"Lighting the canon!" Fred hollered.
"Step back!"
"Stepping back!" Luna complied smartly.
"And watch me defy gravity!"
"Watching you…uh…" George trailed off as the canon swung downwards at the last moment, shooting the boy into the Whomping Willow. "And watching you get beaten up by a angiosperm," he winced.
Luna sucked on a sugar quill thoughtfully. "It looks more like a gymnosperm to me."
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Attempt Two: Gravitational Pull
"Okay," Hoshi said, "That was a spectacular failure, but I've got a new plan!"
"You're still paying us, right?" Fred asked.
"Yes, Fred, I'm still paying you," the turquoise eyed boy said, "But here's the new plan: I saw this spell in the restricted section of the library during detention to create a black hole! So what we do is, one you casts a black hole, another makes a white hole. They'll merge to create a space time continuum, and if we cast the spells properly we can key in the coordinates so that when I jump in I'll go to Japan six months ago!"
"That sounds complicated," George commented.
"That sounds impossible!" Fred snorted.
"I have a very suspicious scar on my navel. It's like a little hole except all puckered up; I think I'm infested by Nargles."
"George, it's easier done than said, Fred, it's more like improbable, and Luna? That's your belly button."
"So if I press it I'll throw up?"
"Something like that."
-later-
"Blackium holium!"
"Whitius holius!"
"My belly button doesn't work…"
"The continuum is forming!" Hoshi hollered, "Boys, keep her steady!"
"Hey," George said suddenly, "Why does Fred get to cast the white hole?"
"Because I'm better!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yeah-uh!"
"Shut up, carrot top!"
"You shut up, bed wetter!"
"I ONLY DID THAT ONCE!!"
"People!" Hoshi cried, "Can we please fight after I'm gone!?"
"Take that, you name caller!"
"Ow! Take that, you son of a frog!"
The continuum furled in on itself, and imploded. A three foot Tyrannosaurus Rex poofed into its place, and glared ferociously at the four teens.
"I hope there's tea on this spaceship!" it snapped, "The last one was an absolute nightmare!"
"Hoshi," Luna asked, "Can we keep him?"
And so it was that Misha the Tiny T. Rex was brought into this world and placed under the care of one Luna Lovegood.
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Attempt Three: Agitate the Squid
"We really need to find a bigger broom closet," Fred complained as he jostled with his brother, a mad woman a T.Rex and a Japanese con artist for room, "This is so uncomfortable it should be illegal."
"Don't start whining," Misha warned, "You might just wake up my inner squirrel."
"Ooh," Luna squealed, "Don't awaken the inner squirrel! It's like a kappa on cocaine!"
"And you know what's frightening?" George muttered, "That's the sanest sentence I've heard from her all week."
"If you people are done," Hoshi called out cheerfully, "I'd like to get to the plan!"
"What're you so gleeful about?"
"Third time's the charm, and all that. The last plan was too complicated, you were right Fred—"
"George."
"Potato, poh-tah-toe," Hoshi waved away the boy's objections, "This is the new plan: we piss off the squid into chucking me over the Forest and into Hogsmeade!"
"That's like the first plan," Fred observed, "Except stupider."
"Some would say that. But those people would get their asses bitten off by Misha," Hoshi grinned sinisterly.
"My invisible friend eloped with my intangible hamster," Luna sighed, "And now I have no one to play squash with."
-later-
"What is this?" Hoshi asked Fred as he smeared some awfully good smelling stuff all over the boy. Standing in just his boxers and having Fred touch him was not making Hoshi happy, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do, and he supposed he should be pleased that he had a friend straight enough to be able to slather stuff onto another male's body without blushing.
"It's water proof squid bait," George explained, "Except we messed with the ingredients a bit so instead of wanting to eat you, the squid'll want to hurl you like a virgin throwing up her first Bloody Mary!"
"Charming," Hoshi murmured, "Where's Luna?"
"She's teaching Misha the concept of not eating human beings."
"Okay," Hoshi said, "Giant squid, prepare to be angered!!"
Fred and George exchanged glances and wisely backed away. There was a feeling in their guts that told them this wasn't ending well. The giant squid, deep underwater, opened an eye as it smelled something very...fuzzy. Hoshi screamed as a tentacle wrapped around his ankle and the cephalopod broke the water with an enormous wave, thunderglomping him for all it was worth, cooing over his hair in the splashy tongue of squids.
Misha watched disapprovingly as the Japanese male was huggled by the water dweller, and sighed. "You know, in my day, bestiality was frowned upon."
Luna chewed on a stick of licorice and licked her fingers happily. "Love is as limitless as space itself," she quoted.
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Attempt Four: Pickled in a Potion
"Hoshi!" Fred called out to the Asian, "Snape wants us!"
"Tell him I charge a thousand galleons to look, and he can't even afford a touch," Hoshi said disgustedly, "That pederast."
"Not like that, you brainless git," George shuddered, "He's asked that you, Luna, Misha and we meet him after class hours."
"What?! He knows about Misha?!"
"Hoshi, everyone knows about Misha. How do you keep a three foot T.Rex a secret?"
"Hit him on the head!"
"That's the joke answer," Fred informed him, "To a different joke."
-later-
"Do any of you know why you're here?" Snape hissed silkily.
Luna ventured an answer. "You're gay, and you're coming out to us because you feel we could understand your undying love for Professor Dumbledore?"
"What!? No!"
"You're finally admitting that Gryffindor pwns Slytherin's punk ass?" George suggested.
"Never!"
"You want to write a tell-all book on your and You-Know-Who's lusty love affair?"
"You want to know my grandmother's secret dango recipe!" Hoshi gasped.
"You want to molest the children!" Misha accused.
"No, no, and no." Snape was close to breaking bones, "I want to help the Hoshi brat get the hell out of here!"
"You do? Why?" the Hoshi brat in question asked suspiciously.
"Because I hate you and want you to be gone!"
"Meh, works for me," Hoshi said, "What's the plan?"
"I will brew you an intangibility potion. You can just walk right out of Hogwarts, and we'll mail your trunk to Japan."
"Osaka," Fred specified.
"Bless you," Snape said.
"No, Osaka in Japan."
"Oh, right, whatever. Come, I will need all of you to help brew the potion."
"Maybe I should get a tie-dye version of Misha air brushed onto my nails," Luna mused, "Show the world how much he means to me."
"Tattoos are more permanent," Fred said with a nasty grin.
-later-
"Here's the potion," Snape said.
"Here's the cantaloupe," George said.
"Why a cantaloupe?" Hoshi frowned.
"Because I wanted to give you something symbolic to remember us by."
"Uh, okay," the other male said, "Thanks. Well guys, I guess this is it. Bye," he said, and gulped down the slightly sour liquid. For a few seconds there was nothing, and then…
"What's happening to him?" Fred sounded horrified.
"He's going all shimmery!" Misha gasped.
"He's going all green!" George cried.
"He's…a pickle?" Snape gaped, "That's not right."
"NO SHIT, DUMBFUCK!!" pickle-Hoshi screamed.
"My grandmother used to make the best pickle-broccoli-kerosene strew," Luna said, "Of course, that was before she died in a fight with a troll over an extremely rare Pokemon trader card."
"You get used to her," Misha informed the dumbstruck Snape, "But how do we fix the boy?"
"I have an antidote, but it will take a few days to make. He can stay here until its done; its not good to let word of this get out."
"But people will think I'm your sex toy!"
"Hoshi," Fred pointed out, "You're a pickle. No one would recognize you. we'll cover you in class; say you're sick or something."
"Say you've gone on vacation with the giant squid. It time that relationship went to the next level," George guffawed.
"If I wasn't a fucking pickle, I'd be kicking your ass right now."
"I feel like tacos," Luna said absent mindedly as they left.
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Attempt Five: Balls of Fire
"Hoshi," George sighed, "Aren't you ready to give up yet?"
The Asian, who was still a little viridian around the extremities, glared at him. "Ao Hoshi does not give up! It's not my ninja way!"
"You're not a ninja though," Fred observed.
"And here I was thinking you're a complete idiot. But I will get back to Japan! On my word as a scallywag and swindler!"
"Daddy knew a geisha named Hoshi. He said she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen, and the most flexible."
"What's the plan?" Misha pointedly ignored Luna's disturbing revelation.
"I'm gonna leave with a bang! I'm flying out on a dragon, and it'll be breathing fire so that no one can get close enough to stop me! The overstated melodrama will get me expelled if nothing else!"
"The overstated melodrama will get you killed if nothing else," George scoffed.
"Yeah, what makes you think a dragon's gonna just let you hitch a ride on it?" Fred raised an eyebrow.
Hoshi smiled an unkind, eerie smile. "One word for you: Norberta."
"I know her!" Luna exclaimed, "I bought a straw kiln from her at a Dead show!"
-later-
"Thanks for the favor Charlie," Fred and George grinned at their older brother. The eldest of the Weasley children glared at them. "Favor my ass. You were gonna tell mum I slept with Auntie Muriel!"
"Well thanks for writing that tidbit in your diary then."
"Farewell, friends!" Hoshi hollered, "I'm heading back to my homeland!"
"Hey Hoshi!" Luna stopped him, "Here—" she stuffed a piece of paper into his hand, "My grandmother's pickle-broccoli-kerosene recipe! Send me the dango recipe, okay? It may not be good, but I'll still like it. Probably."
"Got it," Hoshi said, "Bye!" He clambered onto Norberta, who was blowing out great balls of fire, true to his idea and Charlie's word. Charlie slapped her flanks with a long length of chain, and she soared into the sky—
…before nose diving into Hagrid's hut.
Hoshi lay on the ground, having been thrown aside when the dragon and her 'mommy' were reunited. Four faces, three freckled and one framed by silvery blonde hair peered down at him.
"You okay, mate?" Charlie asked, "I'd forgotten, she really likes Hagrid, doesn't she?"
"You have GOT to be kidding me," Hoshi groaned, and promptly fainted.
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Success: Gone with the Wind
Hoshi's rather pathetic attempts to escape Hogwarts had not gone unnoticed. In fact, with the exception of poor Professor Binns (whose primary concern was that his left shoe was looking a lot paler than his right) it was the gossip fodder for all the teachers.
Following each escape plan, Hoshi had been handed detentions generously under Minerva's supervision. The fact that the cat woman had no time to attend his tea parties, along with the lovelorn giant squid, the rumors of a haunted broom closet, and the spectacularly outrageous story of how Severus Snape had been seen shagging a pickle brought it to Albus Dumbledore's attention that Hoshi wasn't entirely satisfied in his school. So one fine day he invited the boy and his accomplices into his office for tea and biscuits.
"Lemon drop?" he offered the teens and T.Rex. Luna beamed at him and accepted it, Misha snorted and reminded him that he was carnivorous, and the twins just mumbled something about being citrus intolerant on Fridays.
"Am I in trouble?" Hoshi asked.
"That depends. Have you been caught breaking rules and have yet to be punished?"
"Uh…" Hoshi looked to the twins for assistance, who shook their heads vigorously. "No."
"Well you're all good. It seems you're not too keen on continuing at Hogwarts this year, is this true?"
"Uh…" Hoshi looked once more to Fred and George, who nodded. "Yes."
"Why is that?"
"I wanna go back home! I only came here because my parents were really excited about this; who the hell wants to be a wizard!? I miss my stupid sister, I miss my dad's cooking and my mom's knock-knock jokes! I've put up with this for six years, I've had enough!"
"It took you six years to be fed up with this place?"
"Well, no. but it took six years to screw up the courage to leave. Everyone thinks Hogwarts is THE shit, y'know? It's a lot of peer pressure on a guy."
"My daddy always said that peer pressure should be fought with pier pressure," Luna said sagely. Fred and George hushed her; Misha eyed Fawkes with an unmistakably hungry air.
"I see." Dumbledore was unfazed, "Well, you know Hoshi, if you wanted to leave so badly, I could've talked to your parents and made them see that you were happier as a Muggle."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"
"Hoshi, language!" Fred hissed. George face palmed himself, Misha surreptitiously ate Fawkes and Luna plucked a lemon drop out Dumbledore's hand. The Headmaster looked as if he would like to slap her, but reined in the impulse and looked at Hoshi, eyes twinkling annoyingly.
"No, I don't fucking kid with people. I do crack the occasional raunchy joke though."
-later-
"So you say the spell," Hoshi repeated, "And my body dissociates into atoms and rematerializes in Osaka?"
"No, in Japan."
"That's what I said."
"Then that is correct in its essentials," Dumbledore nodded. Hoshi turned to his companions. "I guess this is good bye for real, then," he kissed Luna on the cheek, "Good bye."
"Bye," she smiled, "Go with the wind, fly to Osaka, and have fun. But don't mess up your hair, and watch out for air termites. They'll eat your brain in twelve seconds flat."
"I'll keep an eye out for them," Hoshi said solemnly, and waved to Misha, uncertain. The dinosaur tackle glomped him, sobbing. "Don't go kid! Don't go!"
"I'm sorry Misha. I have to."
"How about you spend a month with him and a month here?" Dumbledore suggested, "That way you have the best of both worlds."
"Fair enough," Misha nodded, wiping away his tears. Hoshi turned to the twins, who harrumphed loudly. "Okay dude, you go screw some hot Asian chicks for us, okay?"
"Yeah, live large, and uh, stuff."
"Buffoons," Hoshi rolled his eyes and hugged them, "I'm asexual."
"Oh. Right."
"G'bye, giant squid!" the boy yelled in the direction of the lake. A lazy tentacle splashed water angrily over them, and Hoshi sighed. "I'll send it flowers or something," he muttered, "Well Professor, I'm ready."
"Fine," Dumbledore said, "Misha, hold his hand. Ready? Okay! Disappearus on the windio!"
The company present watched them disintegrate into the breeze, and collectively exhaled. The students of Hogwarts would never again be artfully gypped out of a knut.
"I pity the school asked to take him in," Dumbledore said finally, heading back indoors.
"Yeah," Fred agreed, "Hey George, Luna, wanna go bug Ron?"
"And then let's blow up the prefects' bathroom!"
"YEAH!!"
"Daddy has an exquisite collection of porcelain toilet seats!" Luna said enthusiastically, and they walked back to the castle arm-in-arm.
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For those who didn't know, dango is a Japanese sweet treat. Round balls of floury sugary goodness that can be custom made to suit every taste. Yum.