A/N – So this is the sequel to the musical and be warned – it isn't funny. In fact I only wrote it because Charli forced me into it, so yes – it is forced. It may not make so much sense if you haven't read the musical, so if you haven't click on my name and look up the musical, read it and then review it. Then do the same for this, read – then review. Kudos to Hna for helping with the 'To be or not to be' speech. Also many thanks to everyone who reviewed on here or gave me comments on the Carby Board – without y'all I couldn't do anything. If you haven't read any Shakespeare, or a Midsummer Night's Dream – you may not get the most of it. Well it's your fault, this must be the only merit of having to read that book, understanding what I write. Not that anyone ever does.
If you for some reason are unsure of the plot in 'A Midsummer Nights Dream', here it is: two lovebirds are due to get married, and a group of actors are rehearsing a play for their wedding. A fairy called Puck tries to make two others fall in love, but ends up making them fall in love with other people instead, and much Shakespearian hilarity ensues until he reverses the spell
Psst..many thanks to Charlie for once again being a smashing beta. Also thanks to Freebie, coz just having her name in my A/N will make her day ;)
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(The ER writing crew sit in that same conference room. Mugs, t-shirts carrying ER logo. All is boring till a bird flies past.)
Orman: (sits up suddenly, in the style of Einstein at the point of a 'Eureka'): I'm…inspired!
Crichton: (throwing hands up in the air) Again?
Wells: There really is no stopping him – is there?
Orman: (pouting) No – guys. Listen to me. Please?
Wells: I guess we could listen to him. It wouldn't hurt. (Orman nods repeatedly)
Crichton: Why do you always say that? And why does he always get his own way?
Orman: No guys this is different. Very different!
Crichton: (resenting the fact Orman has replaced him in John's affections, and wistfully remembering a time when it was just the two of them.) This is going to be like 'skating away' isn't it? Look Jack – no one wants to see ER on ice. I'm sorry.
Wells: You're being a bit harsh on the poor man…
Orman: Yeah – you are, and it's nothing like 'Skating away'.
Crichton: Lord have mercy on us…
Orman: Its 'Thy will be done-eth'. ER in the style of Shakespeare.
Wells: (at a loss for words) That's…interesting.
Orman: C'mon guys, please? Please, please, please, please, please? (he stomps his foot like a little toddler not getting his own way)
Wells: I guess it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.
Crichton: No! No! You don't get it. Shakespearian – that's back in the day. Back in the day before modern technology, back in the day before hospitals!
Orman: I'll find a way past that. You know I will – please… for carbies everywhere.
Wells: The man has a point…
Crichton: No he doesn't! (He clutches nervously at his "Luby Rocks" T-shirt - which on the back has, spelt out in Croatian…"Love Thy Luka". Seeing him do this, Orman 'by mistake' tilts the great coffee cup of carby ever so slightly and the coffee flies into the shirt, ruining it. Think about the pure symbolism here)
Orman: Oh just shut up you lump of goo. I have more supporters than you.
Crichton: When did this happen?
Wells: Guys…
Orman: I get fan mail. I get letters from delusional Carbies telling me how they love me, I am better than you. Like it or not.
Crichton: No, no I'm more popular damnit. I invented it! THIS IS MY SHOW!!
Orman: Dream on…
Wells: Look let's just try the idea - that way you can laugh at him when it doesn't work out.
(SCENE 1 – the ER. Well not really the ER as we know it, Ye Olde ER - it seems to be in a castle in the middle of nowhere with a room where people sit and wait. The doctors mingle, no one gets helped – some things never change)
Carter: (dramatically, hand on heart and all that crap, with *that* fake English accent) Welcome to the scene, oh noble one. Cometh and follow the adventures of the time.
Frank: (on the phone) Hello – Eeyare.
Susan: (Talking to Abby who sits on the stone desk.) Why – if I had drunk one more glass of mead last night I may have fallen over and exposed my ankles.
Abby: Susan dearest, do not be so crude – some in the vicinity may have just eaten their breakfast.
Kerry: (entering) Why is no one working?
Gallant: Dr Weavereth – oh wise one, a spell has been cast upon this here castle. Twas the fairies from the wood methinks.
Kerry: Little Lord Gallant – why have you suddenly developed a lisp? It's Wea-ver… no 'eth'.
Susan: But Kerry – it's a Shakesperian comedy – when in Rome do as…
Kerry: Romans do – am I the only one here in the slightest bit concerned by our travel back in time? Where's Carter?
Pratt: I am here oh wise one.
Kerry: No – you're Pratt.
Pratt: You must be mistake oh wise one, I am Carter through and through. (whispers) Catch up Kerry – its Shakespeare, it's a comedy… there has to be one appalling case of mistaken identity.
Kerry: (rolling eyes) Oh Lord…
Luka: (entering) You called? (several 'ladies' faint at the appearance of Lord Luka, whilst the tougher ones smell at their smelling salts.)
Kerry: Luka, you're late.
Luka: Had several dragons to slay – no…is that the wrong time period? I uh, had several lordly duties to attend to.
Jerry: Luka! Now you're here one must ask thee something.
Luka: What may that be, wise Jerrard?
Jerry: I would like to ask one to be in the play at the wedding of Duke Carter and Duchess Abby. We need a weaver, a bellows mender, a tailor and a tinker. You liketh to bellow - no? So you shalst be the bellows mender.
Luka: And the others?
Jerry: We have a weaver, tis like fate. The tinker shalst be the noble Rocket Romano and the tailor shalst be none other than Little Lord Gallant.
Luka: When shalst we meet?
Jerry: Tonight, at the twelfth hour – in a hut known as 'thee lava loungeth'
Luka: And of what is our play?
Jerry: Thou shalst find that out one thou comes tonight. Until then, the word shall be hush.
Luka: Of course. Till then… (he exits, grandly, picking a random peasant woman from the crowd)
Kerry: (irritated) Luka! You can't just leave! It's your shift! Get your ass back here or you're fired! Carter, go after him!
Pratt: Shalst do oh Dr Weaver.
Abby: (stepping towards him) Oh when will I see you again my love?
Pratt: On our wedding night my dearest.
Abby: But I cannot wait till then.
Pratt: You shall have to my dove (he kisses her cheek before leaving and she blushes)
Carter: (watching in good ol' fashioned dismay) Hey! You can't get my girl!
Susan: (turning to Carter) Pratt – get back to work, now!
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(SCENE 2 – 'thee lava lounge'. It looks as shady as ever, but is empty and looks slightly more Shakespearian. Jerry sits alone, waiting – Weaver, Romano and Gallant enter and go to sit with him. There is silence until Luka dismounts his horse and enters, casting Kerry the Great Look of Disapproval, for whining at him when she had left her shift early too)
Jerry: Is all our company here?
Luka: Yes, but thou must call them, for audience clarification.
Jerry: Of course, of course! As I call thee, I shalst tell you what part you have been given.
Luka: What play do we do- eth?
Jerry: It is a well known tale.
Luka: Oh?
Jerry: That of the future. It is name 'Thy will be done-eth'
Luka: Sounds excitable.
Jerry: Yes, so now I call out the name.
Luka: Of course.
Jerry: Luka, the bellows mender to play Barter.
Luka: (excitable) Is he an endangered crook?
Jerry: (stunned Luka doesn't get the incredibly obvious connection between Barter and, well, some Dr called Carter, perhaps?) No, he is a man of love.
Luka: Ah, each to their own.
Jerry: Next, Romano the Tinker to play Fabby.
Luka: Is she a rich woman scorned, with money to give to my character?
Jerry: (acting the story out with apples and a glass of mead) No, she is a meager peasant. Whilst Barter is a rich noble man and must attend a ball. His escort cancels and so he must ask his 'friend' – Fabby. They dance at this ball, where they meet Fabby's old lover ….Pritchard. Kerry the Weaver, you do play him. Pritchard has a new love – Aferrari and he does scorn Fabby in the eyes of this girl, Gallant the tailor you must play her. Barter and Fabby go outside and they do steal a horseshoe, from the horse he rides. I shall appear as this horse. They then leave as friends.
Luka: It sounds most interesting. And so this begins the tale of Barby? Does Fabby have a new love?
Jerry: There is a young 'Puka', mentioned, yet never seen. Now we shalst get into practice, once my assistant director makes an appearance.
Luka: It is not Elizi-Mac-beth?
Jerry: No, it happens to be…
Susan: (entering) Yo, yo-eth. Susan in the hut.
Jerry: Now we shalst begin?
Susan: Of course.
Jerry: Luka, do enter from stage left.
(Luka enters, from stage left)
Susan: No, no it is all wrong. This man is in love, you do not play out the love, Lord.
Luka: But what can I do?
Susan: Maybe removing your shoes might help.
(He does as she says and removes his shoes)
Luka: As you wish ma'am. Is it to your liking?
Susan: Enter again, oh Lord.
(Luka enters again from stage left.)
Susan: No, it is not right.
Luka: What can I do, oh sweetmeat?
Susan: (with a glint in her eye) Maybe removing your hat might help...
(He removes his hat and at Susan's directions enters again. She objects again and this process continues until Lord Luka is in his *cough* undergarments.)
Susan: Yes this is better oh lord, please enter and ..mean it.
(He enters stage left, shivering from the cold)
Susan: Oh the manliness of it all! (she sighs, looks queasy and faints. All rush to her side, apart from Luka, he winks)
Luka: (turning to the audience knowingly) Tis the ole Lord Luka charm.
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(SCENE 3- Abby's Aparteament. She has a balcony and is standing on it, brushing her hair.)
Abby: (dramatically) Cartero, Cartero – wherefore art thy Cartero?
Carter: (standing below the balcony) I am here oh dearest.
Abby: I cannot see you, yet I hear your voice.
(Carter appears from the shadows and Abby gasps)
Abby: It is you – Pratt. What a cruel trick to play on a maiden so fair.
Carter: (annoyed) No, it is Carter, not Pratt. See how I can talk without using irritating abbreviations, and walk without a swagger that only the worst of Lotharios adopt? That man has you fooled my dearest.
Abby: I know the man I love and you are not him – oh Pratt. Now leave before I ask Maggie III to call the guards on you.
(Carter leaves sullenly. The camera follows him as he walks, talking to himself)
Carter: Will love find its true way? Am I destined to be alone? I remember those days and I walk alone now.
Duck (A/N: Yes there are other things I could have renamed 'Puck' and, no I didn't bother): This is all the fault of thyself. The course did not run smooth last time I interfered and now I have mixed-eth up these two people. Dearest be.
(flashback)
Duck: (watching them in Sand &Water) I must put some of the magic love narcotic into the coffees of these two will fall in love and not torture audiences with two seasons of almost getting together. The girl first – the girl.
(He places the magic love narcotic into Abby's drink and she falls asleep right there in Doc Magoos. Carter – upset at having bored her to sleeping leaves and, the next person to enter in Luka., he sees Abby asleep and shakes her shoulder. She awakes and looks into her eyes)
Duck (cont.): No! It has gone wrong. The first to see after she awakes was the swine. This may take a while to fix, in fact the only thing to break the spell is one's true love telling one 'I don't wanna be your friend'. This is terrible, absolutely terrible.
(Later, still in flashback – "Never Say Never", the episode where Susan returns in season 8. Carter crouches down to find something, talking…)
Duck: I shall use the magic love narcotic! This is my chance! (He places it in Carter's eye, like an eye drop. Carter falls asleep for a second, but is woken by Susan's voice. He looks straight into her eyes and falls…) Gods be, it has happened again. And with the man it is harder to break the spell. Only after he believes his new love to have cheated on him, by staying the night with a 'friend', will he break the spell.
(Cut flashback to 'The Letter'. Carter and Abby are sitting out back. )
Duck: This is my chance, my perfect chance to finally do something. I shall use my powers! (He uses his powers and magically Abby's hand is drawn to Carter's face. A kiss looks prominent. Yet again Duck's magic rebound and Carter looks out of her eyes, noticing the situation)
(End flashback and thus explanation of Carsan and Luby.)
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(SCENE 4 – back at the ER.. Little Lord Mikey and Susan are alone together.)
Susan: Mikey, there's something I need to tell you.
Gallant: After your crude undressing of Lord Luka today, nothing shall come as a surprise to me.
Susan: Mikey – it wasn't like that. Nothing like that at all. And anyway – what right do you have to be jealous? It's not like we're an item.
Gallant: She left me again Dr Lewis, Charlie left me again. I don't want to keep crawling back to her for more. I need a new start.
Susan: oh?
Gallant: (boldly) Susan, would you do the honour of …
Susan: (ecstatic) Yes Mikey – yes!!
Gallant: Would you do the honour of helping me get Charlie back?
Susan: (seriously pissed off, and adopting a new tactic, The Cold Hard Truth) Again? Dudeth – the girl does not love you.
Gallant: She's just playing hard to get.
Susan: You really think so?
Gallant: (pouting adorably) What's that supposed to mean?
Susan: It's supposed to mean that she doesn't care. She doesn't want you Mikey.
Gallant: She does…
Susan: No – you need a new woman.
Gallant: You think Charli's free? 'E' stands for evil, and fair Charli has no 'e' in her name
Susan: And repeat history? Oh Mikey, I care too much to let that happen.
Gallant: You do?
Susan: Yes – I care. I care about what you do, I care about who you see. I don't want to see you get hurt Mikey.
Gallant: Susan?
Susan: Yes my dove?
Gallant: Don't call me Mikey.
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(SCENE 5 – THE WEDDING HALL. A large crowd has arrived and the cast are ready to put on the play.)
Jerry: (Standing on the stage at the front) My crowd, before the wedding is to begin here, we must put on a play. That of love, that of comedy, that of…'Thy Will Be Done-eth'.
(He leaves and the crowd applaud. Luka enters, slightly undressed. The men hide their children's eyes, the women faint, Kate wolf-whistles.)
Luka(playing Barter): It is I, Barter. My escort to the ball has cancelled and so I must ask my best friend- Fabby. Oh I hope-eth she says yes. Here she comes.
(Romano enters, dressed as a woman. He has been practicing rolling his eyes and has got it down to a 'T')
Romano (playing Fabby): (with a certain amount of shame at what he's been reduced to – he may have taken part in a musical, but this tops it. He wanted to be Pritchard) Oh Barter!
Luka (playing Barter): Fabby, I must ask you a question of great importance.
Romano (playing Fabby): Pray continue.
Luka (playing Barter): My escort has cancelled. Will you accompany me to the ball? (flashes a nipple at Fabby when she looks unsure. Susan perks up. That wasn't in the script)
Romano (playing Fabby): (ignoring his nipple-revealing) Of course oh dear friend. I must as today you killed a jester.
(They run offstage and the backstage crew i.e. the nurse – shift the scenery. The scene is now set at Fabby's apartment. The band plays 'Swinging by a Balcony' as she gets ready. A knocking sound is heard.)
Romano (playing Fabby): Pray enter.
(Barter enters, wearing tights and sparkling new shoes)
Luka (playing Barter): Why hello oh friend of mine.
Romano (playing Fabby): You are wearing tights! I only have bare feet, I feel a peasant. I must change to tights now oh Barter.
Luka (playing Barter): You look fine although tights would be nice.
(She disappears behind a screen and changes. Barter catches a glimpse of her ankles and is shocked and looks away.)
Luka (playing Barter): I brought you Cherries oh dearest friend.
Romano (playing Fabby): I prefer prunes, they are so much better in flavor.
(She emerges, stunning in her tights. He puts the cherries on the side.)
Luka (playing Barter): Keep them there for a while and the stage manager will get the hint and exchange them from prunes.
(Once again the scene is changed to the ball. This goes without a hitch, although Malik and Chuny both look slightly ruffled. Must explain those noises from offstage. Barter and Fabby enter, there are many people there.)
Luka (playing Barter): You look most wonderous, will Puka not be jealous?
Romano (playing Fabby): Puka doesn't get jealous.
Luka (playing Barter): But let us dance, surely you can dance.
Romano (playing Fabby): No, dancing is not my 'thang'.
Luka (playing Barter): It is now.
(He drags her away for a slow, romantic dance. After the dance, they walk away and Pritchard and Aferrari enter.)
Romano (playing Fabby): Hide us, for it is Pritchard. My old lover.
Luka (playing Barter): Oh dearest.
Kerry (playing Pritchard): Hello there Fabby. This is Aferrari (motion to Aferrari)
Gallant (playing Aferrari): Hello my doves.
Romano (playing Fabby): This is my friend Barter.
Kerry (playing Pritchard): Don't I recognize those tights Fabby? Did you not wear them to the spring apple picking festival?
(Fabby rolls her eyes, grabs Barter's hand and leaves. The scene is changed to outside, where all the horses/carts are parked)
Luka (playing Barter): What are we looking for?
Romano (playing Fabby): His horse – maybe he has hers. What kind of horse do you think she'd have?
Luka (playing Barter): A Ferrari. Ha. Get it – oh dove?
(She rolls here eyes at him, all too aware that joke works even less well when using it about horses. They continue walking until she stops and sees his horse (Jerry dressed up.))
Romano (playing Fabby): Ah! That is his horse! How many horseshoes shalst we steal? Two would be fair.
Luka (playing Barter): One would be fair.
(Fabby removes the horseshoe, the horse does not like this and knees her in the head. She winces in pain and Barter picks her up and carries her away. The horse follows. This is the bad ending of the play. The audience are unsure whether to clap, and only do so once Jerry runs on with a sign, saying 'THE END'. There is the some scattered clapping)
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(SCENE 6 – the wedding hall, the wedding is taking place. Pratt and Abby stand at the altar.)
Priest: Do you, Abigail Lockhart, Take John Truman Carter III to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Abby: I do.
Priest: And do you….
(The scene fades to outside. Carter is hurrying along, trying to get to the wedding in time to stop it. Duck appears from the bushes.)
Duck: Stop- oh wise one.
Carter: Who are you?
Duck: I am Duck, and you are John Carter I presume.
Carter: (awed) How can you see-eth past my identity, oh fairy apprentice?
Duck: It is I whose fault this is. (sees Carters severly pissed off expression) But let us speak no more of that – you must fix it, before the wedding is to begin. You must say these words 'All it has been a fix, two identities a fairy did mix and all I shall save the day, for the love of my darling I say.' And they will see your true identity, now hurry!
(Carter hurries along and finally enters the building, inside no time seems to have passed..)
Priest: … John Truman Carter III take Abigail Lockhart to be…
Carter: (interrupting) No! No stop this wedding!
Abby: Pratt! – Pratt stop with this right now.
Carter: No, I shalst not. All it has been a fix, two identities a fairy did mix and all I shall save the day, for the love of my darling I say.
(Suddenly everyone sees their true identities. They are all shocked to see that it is Pratt that Abby was about to marry. Abby looks on the verge of fainting – Carter strides towards her and keeps her standing, whilst Luka strides in on his horse.)
Luka: (never one to miss an opportunity) I will save the day. I will beat this scoundrel to his death. (He grabs Pratt and drags him away, riding out. They all cheer. Abby looks at Carter with much love and affection.)
Priest: So should the wedding continue?
Abby: Yes priest – let it continue.
Priest: Very well, Do you John Truman Carter III take Abigail Lockhart to be your lawful wedded wife. In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?
Carter: I do.
Priest: Then I shall pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride. (Carter kisses her shortly on the lips, the crowd gasp at how bold this gesture is, yet they cheer and rejoice, bringing the scene to an end. The scene clears and Duck walks in to finish it all off.)
Duck: And so they wed and so the scene did end and so they lived in great glee for many years to come.
(Cut to the inevitable fight – there's always a fight, and thus this play must have one too)
Luka/Spamlet1: (entering just as dramatically as his speech is when he begins) To be or not to be…
Carter/Spamlet2: (entering) That is the question…
Luka/Spamlet1: (Irritated that Carter has once again stole his moment) Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes
Carter/Spamlet2: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them…
Luka/Spamlet1: (speaks in Croatian)
Hna (offstage): Luka! You're ruining it all… don't you get it? No one wants to hear you talk in Croatian – it's not really all that cute and it's not even that sexy. Stick to English my dove and I will worship you.
Luka/Spamlet1: Not that sexy? But I'm…
(The whole cast groans at this. Romano enters)
Romano: (Still being Orman's bitch) And so the love was pure and gentle and sweet and was to fill our screens forever.
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(The camera pans out, bringing the Shakespeare to an end. Cut back to the conference room…)
Wells: Well that was…different…
Crichton: (huffily, and somewhat gleefully) Crap really
Orman: Oh really? Well I don't see you trying to…
Crichton: I have ideas! Why, only last week I was planning out an episode to bring back the love and warmth that was Luby!
Orman: (looks doubtful)
Crichton: "Secrets and Flies"! Where Carter gets eaten by a swarm of flies after keeping a...secret, and Luby get back together.
Orman: (sarcastically) Oh, goooooooooood idea. (turns to Wells, more seriously) The men of ER become Drag Queens?
Crichton: Flockdown?
Orman: Tell Me Where It Skirts!
Wells: Enough! Save it! Both of you! Crichton, stop being a meanie and Orman – keep such far out ideas for our movie.
Orman: (all thoughts of a movie dispel his unhappiness) Movie!! Movie? Movie!
Crichton: Oh my god…
Wells: Movie? When did I say anything about a movie?
Crichton: But you…
Wells: (Whispering) it's off the record…I was only saying it to keep him happy. No the Shakespeare can be saved for the stage show…
THE END
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