Unable to Feel
disclaimer: I do not own weiss kreuz, 'nuf said! d;-)
chapter one:
"Look at me, Aya,"
"No."
"Dammit Aya, I said look at me!"
"No, I won't."
"Look at me, you stubborn prick! Look. At. Me."
"NO, I WON'T!" The once soft amethyst eyes hardened with the fury that was furiously flowing in the redhead's body; the fury met with pain. The blonde standing in the doorway of Aya's room took a few steps toward the redhead.
"Why, Aya?" came the softly mumbled question. Silence. It was met with silence.
"What are you so scared of, Aya?" mocked the voice. Again, silence.
"Aya,…" the blonde trailed off. "Stop."
"Nani?' came the slightly surprised reply. "Youji, stop."
"Why, Aya, why should I stop? I'm not getting the hell out of here until I get some answers. Why did you save me? Why did you risk your life for me? Tell me or I'll have to get it out of you even if it kills me." threatened the blonde.
"What do you want, Youji?" The voice was dangerous. Youji was not backing up. "Tell me the truth, Aya." "What truth?" came the soft reply, so soft that Youji barely heard it.
"About you, Aya. The truth about you. The truth about what you feel." The blonde answered slowly, jade eyes fixed firmly upon the back of the unmoving redhead.
"About me?" came the reply punctuated with a derisive laugh. "Why, Youji? You want to know why I don't show up at the Koneko anymore? You want to know why I never set foot in a room with you? You want to know why I can't even come near you? You want to know why I avoided you like the plague and yet saved you? You want to know why, Youji? Why? I ask you the same question. Why do you want to know?" the smoldering gaze came to rest upon jade eyes.
"Because I lo…" the words trailed off. Youji was rudely cut off by the redhead.
"Enough. You can't say it. You do not know for sure and I won't accept it. Leave." Aya said icily.
"No, Aya, please, I lo…"
"Enough I said. Go. Leave. I don't need any of this, I don't need you. Leave." Hurt registered in the jade green eyes of the blonde. The lanky build stiffened, moved away from the redhead and made its way towards the door. When he reached it, he stopped, looked back and whispered softly/
"You know it's true, Aya. I ask for nothing more than the truth and you give me lies. You know what I feel is the truth, at least I came here with the strength to say it. You won't even allow it, much less accept it. Stop denying yourself Aya, you're hurting yourself even more." The door closed. Aya was engulfed in the darkness that he had grown to despise yet craved for. The darkness surrounded him and finally he was able to let go.
A tear glistened in the pale face of the hardened assassin and he quickly wiped it off. He never cried but the stoic expression, the cold demeanor was gone. In it's place stood pain and jarring heartache. He lost. Aya had lost. Youji was gone, driven away by his own doing. Aya had totally, completely lost. A sob clenched tightly at his lungs, tears falling freely from his eyes forming rivulets of water down his cheeks going down towards the neck of the horrid orange sweater that he always wore, the sweater which put him on the receiving end of the blonde playboy's taunts. But not anymore. The blonde was gone. Youji was gone. He couldn't do anything. His hand went to his injured shoulder. The shoulder wounded by Crawford's gun when he had gone in front of Yohji and took the shot. You want to know why I saved you Youji? I saved you because I love you yet I'm too scared to say it out loud. I'm scared that you won't be able to stay, that you'll leave me. Just like they did. I can't live with that, Youji. If I surrender myself over to you, I don't know what will become of me when you're gone. I won't admit it to you Youji, not when I don't deserve it. I can't taint you Youji. I don't deserve you.
The only thing left to do was cry. Aya never cried but this once he stood at the window of his room starring into the sky one hand holding on to his injured shoulder and he cried. He cried for the only person whom he had ever loved aside from his sister. He cried because of his own weaknesses, his own denials, his own frailties, his own fears. He cried because he had lost the only thing that he loved and loved him in return. He cried because he did not have the strength to freely admit what he was feeling. Yes, during those few moments Aya Fujimiya cried.
Youji was furious. He had come over to Aya's room to settle everything, to tell the man how he really felt. He did not come expecting such a cold brush-off.
"Dammit!!!" he kicked the wall of his room and slammed his hand into the same wall.
"Dammit, Aya! For once why can't you just admit that you love someone??!!!" he shouted into the cold air that hung in his bedroom. His mind went back to the previous week when he had come to see Aya after a mission. The mission had struck too close to home. During their fight to free some battered teenagers being sold by a shady organization and to kill the head of the operation, they had come across Schwartz. It was one hell of a fight. But the police came and that was when Schwartz decided to go but not without one last parting shot from Crawford, headed for Youji. The blonde was too busy fighting off Schuldich to notice but Aya did and Aya lunged himself in front Youji and took the hit. He crumpled immediately, Youji turning towards him seeing what he had done. He had knelt next to Aya who was quickly fading from blood loss since he had already taken another bullet in his thigh.
"Aya," he had whispered the name so quietly, scared for once in his life to see the man nearly fading away. That was when their gazes met. That was when Youji knew that he had fallen for the other assassin. That was when he accepted that fact that he had fallen for the younger man. When their gazes met, that was when Youji knew that he loved Aya. The leader of Weiss, the icy Aya. That was when Youji accepted the truth that he had been denying for so long, ever since the first time he had laid eyes on Aya. He was in love with Aya. Aya Fujimiya. Youji couldn't tear himself from the purple void that was Aya's eyes.
"Youji, I…" Aya said, softly.
"Aya, hold on." Youji begged.
"Youji, I lo…"
"What, Aya?" Youji held his breath, waiting for the words he thought would come. Aya's face crumpled s he lay in Youji's arms. He looked at the blonde one last time and whispered,
"I'm sorry, I can't." then drifted off.
Youji had come into the redhead's room then, watching the sleeping form of his younger teammate and marveling at the sheer beauty of the man. It pained Youji to watch him like that, suffering because of him. His memory came back to the words that Aya had failed to utter. Anguish rushed inside the blonde. Why can't he say it? He asked himself. He had felt hope during those moments that he thought Aya would finally confess but once again the hope he felt proved fleeting for Aya never did finish it, he never said it and now Youji was left all alone, guilt coursing through his body amidst the pain of knowing that the man whom he loves will never be his. Aya had once again proved to be unable to feel. Cold as ice.
"To hell with this all." Youji softly murmured. Quietly, he padded towards the bed and lay down, drifting into a fitful sleep where he could dream of nothing but the cold and calculating gaze of the swordsman and the words he had never said.
"Ohayo, Youji-kun!" Omi greeted brightly. It was a school day and Omi was just waiting for Youji to turn up and open the flower shop so he could go to school.
"Morning," Youji mumbled and went straight to the coffee machine.
"Good thing you're up already Youji-kun."
"Yeah, well Omi that was one hell o a wake-up call." The blonde said sarcastically. Earlier in the morning Omi had sent Ken to wake Youji up and Ken did, making enough noise to wake the whole neighborhood, pounding on Youji's door. It almost fell from its hinges. Almost.
"Sorry about the morning shift Youji-kun but I have an exam today and Ken has a game to go to. Aya-kun will be down a little later and maybe you could open shop now? I've really got to go. I'm sorry I won't be able to help you." The boy said, apologizing profusely.
"Aya. Yeah, Aya. This is going to be one fucking hell of a day." Youji muttered.
"Is something wrong Youji-kun?" the boy asked, concern written all over his face. "Did you and Aya-kun have a fight?" "No it's nothing, Omi."
The blonde dismissed the boy easily. "Go to school, I'll finish opening up. Go on. Good luck on the exam." Youji flashed the young boy a smile, who easily grinned back at him.
"Arigatou, Youji-kun." Then the boy got outside to his motorcycle and drove off. Youji started the task of opening up shop and was nearly done when Aya came into the shop. Youji glanced at the redhead and was surprised to see the red-rimmed eyes of the man. He was mildly shocked to see that the man hadn't had enough sleep since it was a bit later than his usual time of getting up, at least that was the reason he thought off when he saw Aya's eyes. Brushing aside the thought, he carefully hauled the rest of the flower pots outside the shop. When he went back inside, he saw that Aya had settled himself at the cash register. He did not look the least bit unruffled by Youji's presence. Damn him. Youji thought. They spent the rest of the morning shift quietly, avoiding each other, Aya never leaving the register. Stubborn prick.
During noon, the two younger Weiss boys arrived at the Koneko No Sume Ie unaware of the tension between their two older teammates. Ken immediately went to the counter setting down his purchases of different kinds of sandwiches and anticipating the beginning of a hearty lunch. Omi was on his way up to their apartments when he suddenly heard Ken's voice and Youji's sarcastic reply that sent him running back into the shop.
"Oi Aya! Where are you rushing off too?" Ken asked innocently, bewildered gaze set on the redhead who was intent on reaching the door and going out.
"Leave him, Ken. That's what he always does, run away from things." Ken looked surprised at the serious tone of the blonde playboy. Aya stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face the unrelenting jade green eyes with his own smoldering violet gaze.
"Say that again Kudoh." The silent command of the Weiss leader echoed throughout the suddenly quiet shop.
"I said that you're so used to running away from everything tat this doesn't make much of a difference, does it? You're so used to running away from me so why does this move have to be any different? Face it, Aya. You're not running away from me, you're running away from yourself." Youji spat out the words spitefully overcome with such venom for the unrelenting redhead. The anger in the violet orbs flared, the lines of tension in the pale man's face visible as wave upon wave of cold fury washed over him.
"Shut up, Kudoh. You do not know anything." Aya turned and made to head for the door when he heard the silent reply.
"Yeah, Aya, run away. That's what you do best, isn't it?" For the second time, Aya spun to face the hard jade eyes with a cold fury reflected in his own purple gaze. A few tense seconds came and went, raising the tension in the room even higher. The youngest Weiss member broke the silence unable to stand the animosity present between his teammates.
"Aya-kun? Youji-kun? Maybe, umm, we could…" the blonde boy stuttered hopelessly.
"Enough Omi," came the order from the redheaded assassin. Omi quickly clamped his mouth shut, unable to say anything to diffuse the situation.
"Umm guys, maybe we could stop this now and, umm, cool off for a while," came the timid voice from the counter, coming from the other brown-haired assassin, food and drinks currently forgotten.
"Stay out of this Ken," growled Youji. Ken wisely kept his mouth shut. After a few more tense minutes, the younger men couldn't help it anymore.
"Ummm, guys…" came the timid sound of Ken and Omi's voices. "Stay out of this!!!" shouted the older assassins, neither one breaking their locked gazes.
"Ken-kun, I think we'd better go. " Omi muttered feebly. "But, Youji… Aya…" stuttered Ken, shocked by the palpable display of hatred. "Its best if we leave them to it, we can't do anything and we won't be able to stop them. Let's just go," whispered the younger boy. The other boy got up to his feet and followed the youngest assassin out the door.
"Is this what you want Aya? " Youji asked silently. "Do you want to run away from everything all your life?"
"I'm not running away from anything, Youji. I'm merely letting go of something that won't ever happen, something that you can't even accept will never happen." Aya replied, gazing intently at the lanky blond man.
"Is that it Aya? Is this what this is all about? You and your fucking twisted reasons? You letting go of something that just might hint at our happiness? You letting go of something we could hold on to in this damned fuck of a life that we live? You throwing away all our chances at real happiness? Is that what this is about Aya? You denying you love me for all the wrong, damned, fucked up reasons?!" exploded the blonde.
"Were assassins Youji. We take lives for a living. We don't deserve to be happy," Aya slowly tore his gaze away from the blond. Youji smashed his hand into the countertop, making a few of the arrangements on the table fall.
"Damn you Aya! Damn you and your righteous morals and rules about "assassins" and the "dirty work" that we do! We kill for a living but were only human, Aya. We deserve to be happy at one point or another. Why can't you just accept it, Aya? Why can't you just let me?" Youji's voice desperately pleaded with the red-haired assassin.
"I can't, Youji…" came the softly muffled reply. Aya turned his back from him for the umpteenth time.
"Why, Aya? I've been asking you that question over and over again. Tell me why the fuck you can't!" Youji shouted. Aya flinched at the sound, stung by the heat of the words. Here was Youji offering nothing but comfort and security in his arms and the chance to be loved, and Aya not relenting hurting the blonde in the process, hurting himself.
Aya slowly walked towards the door. When he reached for the knob, he abruptly stopped and whispered quietly, "I'm sorry Youji. I can't. You deserve to be happy Youji but I don't. I can't because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you." He exited the shop walking away from the shop leaving Youji standing at the door calling his name. Aya did not dare look back, did not dare look at the pain written in the jade green eyes he had come to love.
Most of all, Aya did not dare look back for fear of the blonde seeing the tears falling silently from his eyes.