Summer had started and my parents were away for a month-long cruise. My grandparents were with them. I had no sisters or brothers that were in Florida, which is where I lived. Completely, absolutely, undoubtedly all alone, and my only company was my black cat Mikey.

Life was good, life was so, so good.

As every student who had just gotten out of middle school wanted to do, I wanted to hang out with my friends. Be it a day, night, or even just an afternoon, I wanted to stick close to them as long as I could before I went to the high school miles away from where everybody else would go. At least, that's what my mind-set was before the last day of school. Now all I wanted to do now was bury myself in anime, TV, and manga. And I had all of that in my unsupervised house.

Life was good, life was so, so good.

But like every other teen in the world, I got bored. So, so bored. In fact, I got bored enough to read some fanfiction on Hetalia: Axis Powers, the anime I was almost completely obsessed with. I say almost because I didn't have a cosplay outfit or any merchandise of it except my Nations keychain, which hung on a push pin on the board above my laptop. One fanfic caught my eye: the Unit manual fanfic. I usually read these and just let it go, but being the bored teenager I was I just HAD to find out if I could actually get one. Being ever skeptical, I looked it up on eBay and Amazon and all those websites and discovered that it was the real deal. I browsed through it a bit, looking at the price of them, and saw that they achieved a couple of figures, and were mostly used as…er…'enjoyment' toys. I didn't click anything, and that I can swear to this day is true.

But somehow, at 8 in the morning (Really? I mean, I was sleeping, for God's sakes!) the doorbell rang. Following my step dad's instructions I let it ring and went back to blissful sleep, being serenaded by my clock's ocean wave's music.

Then it rang again. And again. AND AGAIN.

"Goddammit…" I grumbled to myself as I got up, taking a moment to steady myself from falling. Hurrying out of my bedroom, I slammed my door shut, startling my cat. He complained but I told him to shut up.

The rings kept getting more consistent, and I wondered if this was some sort of prank show about pissin' people off in the morning. That thought got me madder.

Finally I made it to the front door, and after checking outside to make sure there wasn't a pedo waiting hornily by the welcome mat I swung the door open. When I looked out I only saw a white van drive speedily away. After deciding not to chase after it like a mad woman I glanced down and saw a box, a normal, Plain-Jane box sitting quietly in front of my bare feet.

Just when I was about to pick it up, it moved. That's right, IT MOVED. I backed away in fear and stared down on it, unsure of what to do next.

"Well, Watson, I'm at a loss," I said in a Sherlock-Holmes accent. Suddenly, shit started happening.

"ARTIE!" An explosion erupted from the box, and it happened to have blonde hair. It also happened to look a lot like America, or Alfred F. Jones. I collapsed, looking disbelievingly at the Alfred F. Jones Unit. That's what I thought it was anyway.

"Huh? You're not Artie." Alfred stated, looking at me with a dejected expression. "You're just some blonde girl!"

At that, I got up in frustration, pissed off for the second time that day. "I'm sorry to inform you that I'm 14, which makes me a teenager." I declared, crossing my arms in a teenager-like manner. Alfred looked at me quizzically.

"But you're so short!"

That was an understatement. I stood up to Alfred's shoulder, which was a pretty good height when you thought about it. I glared coldly at him and noticed for the first time the manual on the box. I bent down and picked it up, ignoring Alfred's nonsensical yammer about how American my house was, saying that all the other houses he went to were so dull and boring and some other bullshit I couldn't hear.

ALFRED F. JONES: User Guide and Manual

Well, he was definitely a Unit, all right. And that meant he was also…I blushed a deep red and shook the thought away quickly, cursing myself for being so perverted. I began to read the manual or whatever it was but barely got past the programming when I heard a big CRASH!

OH. SHIT.

I ran back through the house, trying to pin-point where the loud and horrible noise came from. I ended up in my room, where Alfred was standing with a puppy-like look in his eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to…" He started to say, looking miserably at something. I dreaded finding out what that something was. My eyes finally directed themselves to my tall beauty mirror, smashed to pieces. I saw a hole that went from where the mirror had been to the inside of the wall, and I felt my mouth drop down like one of those Boomerang cartoons.

"Y-y-you, s-smashed m-my mirror…" I breathed, shocked that the hole was in a fist-shaped line. "Why?" That was the only question I could ask, never mind how, since he seemed stronger than Mike Tyson.

Alfred kicked at my carpet guiltily. "I thought I saw a ghost in the mirror, so I punched it so it wouldn't get me."

I didn't even want to START at how stupid that sounded, how absolutely absurd and retarded that idea was. Instead I made eye contact with him and made the angriest face I could, which must've been pretty good since Alfred was trembling in his leather jacket.

"GTFO." I announced, pointing to the outside of my door. "Now, before I pull your Nantucket so hard you'll have to get a new Articles of Confederation to put it back on!"

Alfred stopped shaking and suddenly, to my ultimate dismay, struck a hero pose. "The Hero has recognized an evil villain," Alfred started, in a very, very loud heroic voice, "but the Hero will triumph and escape this cynical hag!"

I wanted to say, 'Whatcha say bitch?' in my ghetto voice but was too shocked to reply. Too shocked to move, in fact. I watched in horrified wonder as Alfred laughed an earsplitting laugh and left my room, gaining more of an ever-increasing ego. God help me.

God help us all.

After recovering from Alfred's dramatic and idiotic declaration, I forced myself to deal with him in the best way possible: feeding him popcorn and letting him watch comedies on my flat-screen (it's not really mine, it's my step dad's, but what the hell). I read the manual in-between his gigantic laughs and wondered where the TONY unit was. I checked the box and didn't see one, and was kind of happy about that because I didn't want an alien calling me a 'fucktard' all the time.

Alfred went through movies fast; since we have multiple movie channels, he'd watch the beginning of one movie, get bored and switch, watch the ending of another, get bored and switch, then go onto another until he found one with a famous, hot lady actress that had an American sounding name (sorry, Eliza Dushku). I sat down to watch one with him at one point but couldn't handle the laughter and had to leave before I needed a hearing aid (actually, I'm 86% sure I need one right now).

When it came to around midnight I bid him a quick good-night. I lay in bed, speculating whether or not he would destroy the house while I was sleeping. My ominous question was answered when he came in fifteen minutes later holding a teddy bear that magically appeared.

"H-hey girl?" Alfred tentatively asked, and I was about to yell at him when I remembered I hadn't told him my name.

"My name's Erica," I corrected him sleepily.

"Yeah, Erica, can I sleep with you tonight?"

? Excuse a moi, but I think I heard a 19-year-old clone tell me he wanted to sleep. With me. While I'm alone in my house. I blushed so deeply I thought someone would have to get a fire extinguisher to cool me down. My thoughts went pretty dirty from there, and I felt my heart pound even quicker. I thought to myself, He's cute, actually he's hot, and he happens to be a sex toy, and not just any sex toy, oh no, no, an America sex toy, and he wants to sleep with you. Not tomorrow, not next week, not never, tonight. GET IN THERE GIRL!

"No, no, no, no, NO, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO!" I protested, covering my ears to stop all the nasty things racing through my mind. "I wanna stay a virgin, I wanna stay a virgin, I wanna stay a virgin!"

Alfred looked at me, confused. "What? I don't wanna have sex with you, if that's what you think, I mean I wouldn't mind if you wanted to-"

My perverted, horny little teenager mind exploded.

"-since I'm your unit, after all," My mind rebuilt itself. "But I saw the movie Paranormal Activity and got really scared and don't want to sleep alone tonight!" He finished in a panic, his blue eyes darting from left-to-right.

I sighed, suppressing the urge to laugh my ass off, and answered, "Sure, but you're sleeping on the floor since my bed's too small for two people. Get the blanket from the floor as a mattress, get the pillow too, and use my comforter as a blanket." I watched with minuscule interest as Alfred did this at break-neck speed. I heard my friends talking about how scary it was, but man, I didn't think it was this scary. Either that or Alfred was a big pussy. I bet on Alfred.

After a few minutes Alfred had set up a mini-bed, a term I use loosely because it was really just a blanket on a floor covered by a small pillow and a giant comforter. Alfred seemed snug as a bug in a rug, though, so I just let him think how comfortable it seemed to be. He took his glasses off carefully and handed them to me, and I begrudgingly put them on my nearby night-stand.

"Thanks," He said, before falling into a deep, snore-filled sleep, "Erica."

"No welcome," I automatically responded, and drifted into my own slumber.