He picks up the notebook from the floor and the pen from his back pocket again and he starts to write. At first it is nonsense and the first ten pages of the red book are filled with his jumbled thoughts. After a while it becomes more structured and more like him and more her. He writes about her because she's the only real thing he's ever known. He hopes that she would be proud of him for doing something productive. Working at a publishing company, writing something of his own – who cares if it never gets published – and making a name for himself.
He first used that notebook after Liz's wedding when he couldn't find a way to deal with her rejection. The only way to make sense of it was to write and write and write. He ended up writing everything he knew about her (which he then realizes isn't a lot) and fills the whole book in one night with stuff about them. Talk about burning the midnight oil. He knows she fancies herself superwoman so that's how he writes her. The strong-minded, power house with tons of gumption. And he is the punk ass kid who thought he didn't need anybody until the power house with big doe eyes came along.
He writes the dedication page last and it proves to be harder than writing the actual book. 10 words took more than a week to write. Thanks for believing in me when no one else did. He knew she would end up hearing about his book – most likely from Luke – and if she heard about it she would find it and read it. He wants her to read it (he's just too scared to tell her about it himself) because it was everything he's ever wanted to say to her and all the things he wanted to do with her. Wild adventures – if wild constitutes reading and listening to music together – that he wanted for them because he liked the idea of them.
When the book is finally finished, dedication page and all, he feels a sense of pride wash over him. It's great and it's welcomed and he wishes he had someone to experience it with.
He goes to Stars Hallow to tell Luke personally. He feels like he owes it to the guy.
"Jess, that's great," is all he says, save for a few wows here and there but the smile he wears speaks a thousand words. And even though he doesn't say it, Jess gets the feeling that Luke is proud of him for finally doing something with his life and his whole body feels warm with love. Now that he sees that look of satisfaction of Luke's face he is even more determined to pay him back.
He gives Luke a copy even though he knows he won't read it. Luke, unlike his nephew, doesn't find pleasure in leisurely reading but ends up reading it anyways because it's something Jess worked hard on and he's proud.
On his trip to the town that suffocated him when he was seventeen he manages to squeeze information on her whereabouts from Luke. And when he finally learns that she's living somewhere other than Yale he knows something isn't right.
He was sure Lorelai had a sixth sense or something that went off when someone was talking about her daughter and that was the reason he ran into her outside of the diner – he forgets the fact that she is engaged to the surly diner owner. She's civil and he feels guilty because she obviously knows all the crap he put her through in extreme detail. He's tempted to run away when she says hello to him but instead he nods and greets her back – then he took off running.
She's looking at him and he notices that her eyes are sparkling. She is fascinating and intoxicating and Jess has no clue how he ever left her all those years ago. But he's better now, more mature with a pretty decent future ahead of him and he wanted her in it.
She's talking to him, something about the pool house, but his eyes seem to linger on the pink dress and how it's so not her and neither is the room she's staying in or that she's fighting with her mom or that she's taking 'time off' whatever the hell that means.
And he's so glad that she's nervous too because he thought he was the only one with sweaty palms and all that other stuff that comes with almost freaking out.
"You wrote a book!"
He tries to play it down but he loves hearing her praise him because her opinion was the only one that mattered.
"I knew you could do something like this. I knew it..."
He doesn't hear what she says after because those words are ringing in his ears.
I knew it.
And he knew she knew. And she would know that he knew she knew once she read the dedication page – the whole book for that matter.
He wants to see her again and she doesn't reject it. But when he sees her the next night, there is this douche of a guy with blond hair and an expensive car rolling up the driveway. Logan. The biggest prick in all of Yale (pretty big accomplishment if you asked him). This Logan asshole tries to make him feel like a dumb ass just because he doesn't go to an Ivy League school and doesn't have a big trust fund from mommy and daddy.
He is sick of it after two minutes and he can't believe Rory puts up with that (then again, she put up with you, he thinks).
Outside of the pub he feels like screaming everything he's been thinking for the past few years and everything he feels about the idiot inside still inside and how she's better than Logan and she deserves to be treated with respect by her boyfriend.
Instead he tells her that she should be at Yale – how could her boyfriend let that happen? – and wishes her a happy belated birthday.
He leaves, heading towards his car, with a feeling that he'll never see her again and it's never been so hard to walk away.
When she comes to Philly his heart almost stops beating in his chest and he's scared for some reason. Even though he invited her he wasn't sure if she'd actually show up. But then she is there and her hair is long and straight and she looks so lovely standing there and he's almost seventeen again.
They laugh and she meets April – who is such a ball buster – and it's good.
She seems good, he is finally good. They are good.
When he kisses her it all comes back it flashes. Sitting on the couch in Luke's apartment, leaning against the gas pump that first night, her fast talk that he could never understand but enjoyed none the less. Everything they ever did comes back. The accident, New York, the phone calls when he never spoke, when Dean – he cringes at the thought of him – was right at the Dance Marathon. The flashes are wonderful and he could get used to the light when he closes his eyes.
But she's pulling away and he can't think of any logical reason as to why she would stop something as magnificent as that.
"I can't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me."
Then he's instantly angry that someone hurt Rory – even though he did so himself – and he wishes that she was done with that spoiled, rich kid because she deserved better than someone who hurts her.
He says he doesn't deserve her treatment and he knows he should feel like an asshole because he treated her far worse than this. But he can't stop the rejected and defeated feelings that spring up in his chest. The bad things that happened with them flash before his open eyes and he liked it better when she was that light in the darkness. That shining beacon that would lead him where he was supposed to be. He sees himself leaving – more than once – and the way her voice cracked when she said she might have loved him and when he told her he loved her and she didn't say anything and when he drove to Yale after the wedding, asking for her to run away with him. It's so clear and he doesn't like the feelings it brings on. He knows she's feeling something akin to a thorn in her heart but it's not about him. He thinks she's not capable of feeling anything towards him anymore. She's feeling because of Logan and all Jess can think is that Logan's a loser who cheated on the best thing that'll ever happen to him.
Jess hears his own desperate pleads that night at Yale.
Come with me.
It's ringing in his ears and he hates it.
You're ready. And I'm ready.
Her eyes are darting and he knows that what she's thinking. 'Flight, flight, flight.'
You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now.
She starts walking away and he tries to say something to make her stay. But nothing comes out.
Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too.
In a last-ditch attempt he says something and it's stupid but he hopes it makes her feel better. She's gone ten seconds later and – damn, I'm hopeless, he thinks.
The whole of Stars Hallow is buzzing. The marriage of one Luke Danes and Lorelai Gilmore was set to happen in the next few days ("should've happened years ago" is the collective agreement around town) and he has never seen his uncle happier.
He sees her then, too. It is inevitable really. She's the maid of honour and he's the best man.
She finds him in the diner after the rehearsal dinner. When the bell above the door chimes he lifts his head from the book he was reading – Howl – and he wants to smile but he hides it.
"What are you reading?"
He lifts up the book for her to see and she smiles.
"Haven't read that one in a long time."
"Me either. It was the only reading material up there, unless you count the oven manuals. I must have forgotten it or something."
They spend a few moments just staring at each other. She is still by the door and she's biting her lip, a tell-tale sign that Rory is nervous. He reaches behind him and grabs the coffee pot and a mug and pours. She walks to the counter and her summer dress sways. Is it weird that he misses her blue jeans and sweaters from when they first met?
"I think congratulations are in order," he says once she's seated and has taken a sip of the coffee.
Her eyebrows knit together and he smirks at her confusion.
"Campaign bus, the future president of our country, stories with the byline Rory Gilmore being written? Doesn't ring a bell?"
"Oh!" Her cheeks redden and she looks down into the steaming cup. "It's nothing really."
He laughs because she doesn't realize just how big an accomplishment like this is.
"What's it like?"
He catches her looking over at the donuts and walks over to the case and pulls out her favourite (which is one of the few things he actually knows about her).
"It's alright. The writing is fun but the travelling and all the sitting on fold out chairs makes my butt hurt and…" She sighs and takes the donut he offered her. "I guess I miss home."
"Understandable."
They fall into a comfortable silence and it almost feels normal, just like it used to. He's looking down at the book in his hands but the words seem fused together and he can't concentrate because she's right there. And her eyes catch on the writing in the margins and the corner of her lip rises at the memory it brings up. Somehow – neither cares to remember who started it – they fall into easy conversations. They spend the next half hour chatting mindlessly about their lives after Truncheon because it's been a while. She glances at her watch and decides to hit the sack once the big hand reaches the eleven. She gathers her purse and he's oddly reminded of the one time he saw Luke and Lorelai like this. And now they are getting married, he thinks.
The stool scrapes against the floor and the sound hurts his ears because she's really leaving. She's turning to leave so quickly and without thinking, Jess calls out to her.
"Rory! Wait," he says as he takes the pen from beside the register and writes his email and cell number on a napkin. He moves from behind the counter and holds out the lifeline of their sort of friendship. "Take it," he says before shoving the napkin into her hand when she doesn't move.
He turns to walk around the counter but her voice stops him.
"Hey, Jess? Don't be a stranger."
"I won't."
They try to keep in touch and he's glad he had that moment of insanity and gave her his email and phone number. Emails are sent back and forth (there is the occasional phone call but those are harder for Jess), mostly about books and which one the other should read next. Notes on the novels are included, pleasantries are exchanged and the customary phrases are passed around. It's not warm like a friendship should be but it's something and he loves that it's something. It's better than nothing and at least they will always have something to talk about with their love of books, music and the recent marriage of Luke and Lorelai.
His emails don't have subject lines or even a 'hello Rory'. He goes straight into the book he's currently reading or the newest kick ass record he bought. Hers are always bulkier in size and written like a true journalist. Proper paragraph form, good sentence structure, perfect grammar and all her little writing quirks that make him smile.
It's not much on the communication front but it's something and that's good enough for both of them.
I'm going to be in Hartford on Saturday night. Wanna meet up?
– Jess
He clicks send and starts to pack his satchel with the books he has to try and sell to different bookstores that evening. The five o'clock shadow on his jaw is itchy and he leaves before he can regret his decision to email her. At least the urge to scratch will keep his mind away from her – yeah right!
When he gets back to his tiny apartment a few blocks down from Truncheon he is thankful that he has no roommates. All he wants to do is scream or maybe punch the wall. The bookstores had assholes working and only one place bought copies of the book he was promoting. At least it wasn't his own book so he wasn't that upset about it.
He flops on to his bed; not bothering to take his shoes off, but his fantasies of sleeping off his anger is interrupted by the ping of his laptop.
"Who the hell is emailing me at," he looks at the clock on his nightstand, "eleven thirty-seven?!"
Groaning he gets up from the bed and grabs his laptop from the kitchen table. Not wanting to sit on the wooden chair he brings the infuriating piece of technology to his bed. When he lifts it open he is sure he'll be awake for hours. Email from: Rory Gilmore. For a moment he forgets that he emailed her first and is so confused that his head starts to hurt.
Jess,
Saturday works for me. I was about to go stir crazy because I haven't been out in ages! I guess work can't wait for me to have a social life. Does dinner at 7 work for you? I have this awesome CD you have to listen to and a good book to recommend but I guess we can talk about that when I see you.
– Rory
He couldn't help but smile and almost immediately clicked the reply button. Another moment of insanity was paying off for him.
Dinner sounds good. You know Hartford better than me so you have to pick the place. Almost forgot… Luke invited me for dinner with him and Lorelai, you gunna be there or am I to face them alone?
–Jess
They spent all night exchanging emails until he didn't get one in return. He assumed she fell asleep in the middle of writing the biggest email about some Russian author he thought was boring but she thought was amazing. Sighing, he shuts his laptop and places it on the bedside table. Wonderful sleep overtook him in minutes and the dreams he had weren't all that bad.
On Saturday he drives into downtown Hartford with Rory's directions to the restaurant on the passenger seat. Once he finds the place and parks he makes his way to the restaurant. His jeans and sweater are perfectly in dress code and he's glad he looked up the place online. The hostess tells him that the other member of the party has already been seated and she leads him to a booth in the back.
When he's settled in and their drink orders – "two cokes, please" – are taken and they are left alone she smiles.
"You have to try their chicken quesadilla! They have good burgers too but the salad is atrocious so get fries as your side and –"
"Whoa!" Jess throws his hands up to stop her ranting. "How many times have you been here?"
She laughs and he's smiling too.
"Just a few," she mumbles because she knows it's been more than that.
"Hmm, I wonder why I wasn't notified that a few got a new definition…" He trails off, tapping his forefinger to his chin.
They ordered their entrees, burger for Rory and a quesadilla for Jess, and chatted until the food came. Her tolerance for greasy and unhealthy food never ceased to amaze him and when she ordered a piece of chocolate cake for dessert he couldn't help the laugh that escaped him. He didn't care that it was loud and probably obnoxious or that half the restaurant turned to stare at him because that girl was like nothing he had ever seen before.
He has evolved from the red notebook to a laptop in a few short years but for this particular idea swirling in his brain he goes back to the notebook that started it all. All he can write down on the paper is her, her, her and he doesn't like the way she's stuck in his head. It's distracting but pleasant at the same time and oh so very confusing.
Ever since they had dinner in Hartford and almost kissed as he walked her to the silver car parked on the street he hasn't been able to stop her laugh from echoing in his ears or her cerulean orbs from appearing when he closed his eyes.
When he starts to write he doesn't think about whether this one will be published or if he'll burst into the writing scene as the next great American novelist. All he really cares about is putting it down on paper so he can finally have a way of telling her how much it all meant – still means – and just what he was feeling during their days in Stars Hallow and all those after.
The last remaining rays of sunlight cast shadows all around them in the park they were seated in. The bench was chilly against his arms – he had taken off his sweater – but somehow sitting beside Rory made him forget the cold.
The lull in the conversation provided Jess with the perfect opportunity.
"Rory," he rotates his body so he's sort of facing her and finds the courage to look into her eyes. "I'm so sorry. For everything."
Everything translates into: being a jerk, leaving (twice!) without a goodbye, not giving you the treatment you deserved, breaking your wrist and ruining your car, being a crappy boyfriend, not saying anything during those phone calls, telling you I loved you because it only messed everything up, asking you to run away with me because you didn't deserve that, yelling at you and all the other shitty things I did along the way. But unless she recently acquired the ability to read minds, she would never know.
"I know, Jess. I forgive you," her smile is tight-lipped and she turns to look straight ahead rather than at him.
"Spill it," he says.
"Huh?" She's looking at him again and he doesn't like the look in her eyes.
"Something is bothering you. Don't hold it in R –"
Then suddenly she bursts into tears and he's holding her while she cries into his shirt. He doesn't like that her tears are soaking his shirt or that he can feel the sobs raking through her body. Not because she's running a nice shirt – she's not – or that it's an uncomfortable position – he loves the feel of her against his body – but because he doesn't like to see her upset. Even when it was him making her cry he hated it.
"Rory," he says once the sobs have subsided. "What's wrong?"
He smooths out her hair and she relaxes against him.
"Nothing is right anymore, Jess!"
Tears are welling in her eyes again and he wipes the old ones off her rosy cheeks.
"What do you mean?"
"Mom is great. She has Luke and he's stable and she is happy. She has her life together now! All aspects of it and I can't help but feel that I don't have it together. I used to, save for the romance section but that doesn't matter! I – I lost my job at that online newspaper so now I have no source of income and none of the papers I looked at are hiring. I'm going to have to sell my apartment and move back to Stars Hallow and I don't want that! I love that town but I need to be on my own and making something of myself without the prying eyes of the Stars Hallow citizens. I just –" she takes in a shuddering breath and his face is contorted with sadness. "You have it together, Jess! You did something with your life. I thought I was on that track but now… I don't know! I don't know anything anymore."
"Rory, c'mon! Even though you don't have it together now you will someday. Remember when you dropped out of Yale?" She looks down at that but his fingers are on her chin then, forcing her to look at him. "I know you and you were probably thinking 'I will never be able to go back after taking a year off' or 'I can't do anything now because of that one crappy decision' right? Well look at you! You went back, you graduated with top honours, I bet, you reported on Obama's campaign trail and you had a job. You'll find something, Ror."
On impulse she leans up and kisses him. For a moment he is too stunned to respond because the light is back behind his closed eyes and the feel of her soft lips takes him to the edge. Then it's over too soon and she's pulling away with a blush on her cheeks.
"Sorry. I – uh… Shouldn't have done that…"
"No!" He shouts a little too frantically. "Don't be sorry."
He starts to lean in, going slowly to give her time to back out and when she doesn't he crashes his lips on hers. It's not soft and sweet like you see in the movies, it's frenzied and there is lip biting and teeth scraping and if it hurts they can't feel it. They kiss until oxygen is necessary. His breaths are labored and her chest is rising and falling rapidly. The image of her with her hair mused from his fingers and her lips bruised red from his lips and the small smile will forever be ingrained in his mind.
"What was that?" She whispered.
"A kiss," he responds cheekily.
She looks at him then, her eyes show she's not amused and he apologizes softly.
"This probably isn't the best time to start something between us but I – I feel like it's right, you know? Jeez, why do I feel like a school boy?" He mutters the last part and he's not that cool and collected Jess she knew as a teenage anymore. He's flustered and nervous and his palms are sweaty against her shirt covered hips.
She looks down and whispers, "Jess."
He's immediately prepared for the let down just by the tone of her voice. So he detaches his arms from around her waist and turns his face away from hers so she doesn't see the defeated look on his face.
"Yeah, I guess we shouldn't," he mumbles, wishing he wasn't feeling like this.
He sees her head snap up in his peripheral but he doesn't turn to look at her, he can't now. He doesn't want to see her face when she rejects him. He could deal with the words haunting him forever but seeing her face as she tells him that it doesn't feel right, that she doesn't feel that way about him anymore would be too much to stomach.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we already tried and it's no big deal. Really, I – we'll just be friends."
"Jess I –"
"It's okay. I get it. You don't have to be nice just to spare my feelings, Rory." He says a little too bitterly for her liking and she pushes him to the other side of the bench.
"You idiot! I didn't even get to talk and you're jumping to conclusions? Maybe you're right! Maybe we shouldn't try again since you won't even let me get a word in. I can't do this again, Jess! I thought you changed but you just – goodbye, Jess."
She starts to get up and walk away as fast as she can and he's frozen for five seconds before his heart goes into overdrive and then he's running after her. Oddly similar to that time in Stars Hallow, something with a 'what do you have to say to me?' and an embarrassing 'I love you'.
"Rory, wait!" he grabs her arm and turns her around. "Talk, please. I'm ready to listen."
He's afraid he's lost his chance when she crosses her arms over her chest in a defiant stance and exhales heavily.
"If you would've given me a chance to voice my thoughts on the matter you brought up, I would have said that we should take it slow and get to know each other again because it's been so long. But you seem pretty adamant that we should stay friends so –"
"Rory that's not…"
He doesn't finish his sentence because she fixes him with her best withering stare and he can't help his lips from curling upwards. Suddenly, they are back in New York when she decided to ditch school and visit him and then they're in the record shop and she's so excited and he can't believe she came to see him and –
"Jess!"
He snaps out of it quickly, he stops laughing – when did he start? – and apologizes.
"What are you laughing at? I don't find anything I said funny unless that whole 'uh uh it feels r-right' stuttering bit you pulled back there was a joke," she says with an attitude.
She's being sassy and he should be getting angry but he can't stop smiling.
"After all these years, I finally got to see your withering stare! I must admit, it is pretty good."
Her anger is gone in the blink of an eye and then she's smiling too and it's great and he just wants to kiss her until the sun comes up again.
"Rory, I was serious." He takes a few steps towards her, not being near her was so difficult. "You deserve way better than me but I feel that we aren't done yet. There is still something between us and I think you can feel it too, well I hope you do, and I think we should try again. We can move slowly, get reacquainted like you said. I have no problem with that just please tell me you're willing to see what we can do together because I know it's going to be great."
She is just standing there with her arms still crossed and her blue eyes boring into his and he hates that he can't see what's swirling behind them. He used to be so good at gauging her reactions through her eyes but they've been apart for so long.
"I've never seen you so flustered," she trails off as he wipes his palms on his jeans. "Okay, Jess. Dinner tomorrow?"
"Huh?"
"Dinner. You know, the time in the evening when you take food and put it in your mouth then chew and swallow?" She says it slowly, like she's talking to an idiot and he would be offended if it were anyone other than her.
"So, does that mean you're ready to try?"
His famous smirk is plastered on his face and he takes a step closer to her.
"Depends on if you're planning on buying me ice cream tonight."
Her arms wrap around his neck and his hands land on her waist. She smells of vanilla and the burger she had for dinner and somehow it's very attractive.
"I think I can give you something sweeter."
The smirk turns to a genuine smile as he kisses her. She laughs against his lips because of how terribly corny his line was but she liked it and him so she let it slide – this time.