Characters are not mine.
This is set between CoB and CoA.
"Declarations of love amuse me, especially when unrequited," he remembered telling her this with vivid clarity, sitting in that café-Java Jones was it?-listening to her friend's awful poetry and feeling amused at her ratty friend's-Simon, she'd say angrily if she could hear his thoughts-abysmal try to tell that he loved her or at the very least had a large crush on her. He had felt an emotion he couldn't identify-now he knew it was jealousy-flare up in his stomach and so he'd drawn her attention to him and had felt so satisfied when she had abandoned the rat and followed him into the alley.
What he'd told her wasn't true- it had been then-but now that he'd felt the sharp sting of unrequited love himself, he couldn't laugh, it was as though the ground was being wrenched out from under him every time the rat made her laugh or slung his arm around her shoulders. The only thing that helped was to fight, to do what he was good at, fighting-winning-made him feel in control of his life. He couldn't control his feelings, couldn't control who had his blood, but fighting and killing demons was one element of his life he was in control of and it helped a lot.
When he wasn't fighting, he was in the library trying to come up with something, some brew, some rune which prevented dreams because every single night he dreamed of her whether they were nightmares or not. Either way he'd wake up gasping. Then he wouldn't be able to fall sleep again, those were the times when he thought and thought and just thought. He would feel like going up to Luke's and telling her he loved her and then just driving a sword into his heart. He'd already written millions of letters explaining that he was in love with her and how he couldn't live anymore because he couldn't just be her brother.
After writing them he would throw them into the fire because what if Alec or Iz found them? They'd be heartbroken and they'd blame her, it wasn't her fault that she was beautiful, witty, fiery and so unbelievably brave. He'd believed to love was to destroy but love was her biggest weapon. People called him reckless but she far bypassed him in that field when the people she loved were in danger. Sometimes-when he was feeling particularly masochistic-he'd allow himself to hope that he was included in them, she'd barged into Renwick's to save him, hadn't she? But then he'd remember that he was her brother and of course she loved him but that didn't mean she was in love with him.
He sighed, hating himself for giving into his thoughts, he flipped over staring at the ceiling of his room in the institute. His eyelids were starting to droop and he fought against the pressing darkness with all his willpower, but he lost-just another thing he was helpless about-resigning himself to another dream about her, he wondered which one it would be this time-would she be lying in a pool of her own blood or would she be smiling at him reaching up to kiss him sweetly on his lips?-then decided it wouldn't matter both the dreams terrified him equally. He gave into sleep, hoping that for once she wouldn't haunt him.
So, first Clace fanfic! Please review. If there are any mistakes let me know. I love you. Thanks for reading!