I love her

by Sane24

Karma and Amy have been best friends for years until feelings that both of them don't want to have threaten to end a friendship that none of them wants to ruin. Amy, who couldn't any more deny, confessed to Karma in ninth grade year only to have Karma reject her. But, now two years later, in their junior year, Karma can no longer deny her love for her best friend.

1. I love her

Chapter 1

Amy:

"And I tell you, again, I'm in love with you –

Do I want to? No, I do not want to,

But what to do when all I want to do, is act a fool –

For you, great love of the loveless life that I live through.

Even though it's filled with rue, I love you, I do.

I don't want to love you, but my hearts refute,

So, I find it easier to fall in love with you

Then to deny the greatest plague that is the truth;

- That is the cruelest, sheer factoid that I'm in love with you..."

Yes, I fell in love with my best friend.

Listen to me guys, it's not that I've wanted to fell in love with her and I have never anticipated that such a thing could ever occur. It just happened. I did not have an option to choose whom I should fall in love with exclusively for I could never imagine myself fall in love with a girl. Then, I had to consider if I only love her or am I skipping out on an entire species? But, it turns out, after several one night stands, many brief hook-ups, and a failed relationship, I am hundred percent gay!

I didn't know what to do for my mother did not prepare me for that. My mother did not rear a little girl to act a queen for another queen – but for a king, yes, a little girl had to walk like a queen. My mother prepared me for a king, not a queen. It makes more sense. Or, it made more sense… Now, I find myself, at times, not minding the idea of wearing a king crown to woo her into becoming my queen. My one and only queen who, at her disposal, would place the entire world and behead anyone who decides to overlook her every wants, whims, and desires. A man is the only race that should have this kind of thought but, I relish as I am embarrassed to think in that abnormal manner, listeners, as I marvel at the idea of being her king. I love her. I love her so much as to indeed feel poetic every dreadful morning as I wake up to longingly hope to feel her neck pulsating against the realms of my lips. She has no idea the trepidation that bounds my heart at the unwelcome, indecent thoughts of her in my mind. I hear my phone ringing, and when I look at the caller I.D, a smile creeps up on my face. She has no idea how I feel when I hear her voice.

"Hello! What's up?" I try to ignore my sweaty palm that seems to be only existent when I am talking to her.

"Hey, I'll be late. I missed the school bus this morning." Her voice sounds so sexy.

"Why?" I ask, "Did you wake up late?"

"No, my dad offered me a ride. He says he has something to tell me."

"It's alright. I'll see you at school then."

"Yes, see you at school. By the way, do we have homework for first period?" she asks, probably just now remembering we had to take an assignment home.

"No, it was just a chapter that we had to read. We have a quiz on it today."

"Ugh! I forgot." I whine.

"Since when do you ever remember anything?" I laugh.

"Fuck me!"

"Don't tempt me!" my voice gets breathier. You can't be fully best friend if you don't make any sexual advances towards each other.

I gasp, almost dropping the phone from my hand. Friendship is dammed! She switches to that seductive tone that always paralyzes me, "Is it working?"

"Come find me and we'll find out." I breathe.

"Where we always meet?"

I nod, "Yes, where we always meet."

Karma:

I know I lied about missing the bus because my dad had something to tell me, but, nowadays, I find it more and more difficult being alone with her. I walk over to where Amy was sitting at; under the tree, at Hester High, where we spent most of free periods together. It has been about two years since freshman year, she let me know of her feelings for me and I have avoided the matter as much as I possibly could so that it wouldn't become too big of a problem in our friendship. Yes, I emphasize friendship because, that is the purely platonic relationship that we have together – nothing more, nothing less. That's what I want and that's how it should be, right? I can't risk reciprocating feelings that will eventually lead to discomfort and uneasiness. I don't want to lose Amy. She's the most important person in the world to me. I love her but not in that sense, or…No… I refuse to think about it. I can't think about it that way. I can't let it go there. I can't look at Amy in that way. I'm not gay. Who am I kidding? I have been having sex dreams about the girl for months now. And it burns me up that she is dating that Reagan. Ugh! Reagan, I fucking hate her for being the girlfriend of my best friend that I heartlessly pushed away because I thought I didn't reciprocate the feelings but now finding myself glancing her way in a not so platonic manner.

I take a sit right next to her, where I interlace my arms within hers and lay my head on her shoulder. She turns around and smiles pleasantly at me, acknowledging my presence and I return her smile which I find enchanting. I couldn't help but detach my eyes from her lucent green eyes to rest on her lips, displaying the whitest of teeth. Has she always been that strikingly entrancing? It took me a whole lot of willpower to not drift away in that fantasyland of no return in which her smile wanted to steal me. But, I couldn't say the same for her eyes, I was already gone the minute I saw her, ten years ago, in kindergarten. I only recently realized that, just as she has been in love with me since the day we met, I had been too. But, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't ruin our friendship. I couldn't ruin her happiness. She was with Reagan and she is happy and because, I am NOT gay, am I?

I look down within her hands to find her notebook opened on her thighs. I try to peek at her writing but she quickly closes the cahier. I frown at her but a light grin perks up her beautiful features. God, she's beautiful.

"What are you doing buttface?" she lightly nudges me, "You know I don't like you peeking when I am not done."

I pout, "You never let anyone read your stuff and I know it's extremely good."

"If you say so..." she sighs, "The weekend is around the corner, what do you want to do?"

"Don't you have plans with Reagan?" I ask, hoping that she negates my question.

She looks down at her notebook for a minute, "I don't think so. I haven't spoken with her regarding any plans for this weekend."

I smile, "Well, movie marathons and boring documentaries, if you want?"

"Boring documentaries? Sound like a plan to me." She grins, "We haven't done this in a while."

"Yeah, it's true." I say. Ever since Amy started dating Reagan, we barely hung out together. Apparently, Reagan didn't like the fact that we were close and gave Amy an ultimatum. It's either we reduce the amount of time we spend together or it's over. What kind of a girlfriend put an ultimatum like that on someone as innocent as Amy? But, who can blame her? I'd be more than territorial than her over Amy, I'd put her on a fucking leash – literally. I wouldn't want her to drift away from me – ever.

"Karms?" she gently shakes me, "What are you thinking about?"

"About you, er…huh…I mean, what were you writing?" I mentally slap myself.

She looks away, "Nothing special…"

I swear I could see her blush, "Who are you writing about?" I grin.

She grabs her notebook before I could reach for it. "Were you really going to take it Karma? You know I can't let you read my works when they're not finished."

"I know but I really, really want to see what you were writing about. And I peeked, briefly, but I could see it was beautiful."

Amy loved writing poetry and she had a deep, obscure, depressing poetic side that draw me further into her when she's all mysterious and pensive.

"Please, please, pretty please…" I pull my puppy dog face and I knew that she was gone.

"Fine, here…" she says, silently hating herself for giving in so easily. I love the fact that I have that power over her. It makes me feel, I don't know, special, in a sense.

I open the notebook to the most recent page until I land to the poem she began scribbling within the pages. I started reading mentally, slowly taking in the perfectly formatted words of my best friend. I read her feelings, beautifully place on the sheet, bringing to me a feeling of morose, nostalgic regret. "…and, as I rested those wanton lips of mine upon yours, I have tasted love, bittersweet, yet forbidden love. Yes, love, you have the taste of a forbidden fruit – for I find myself desiring of you, way more than I could ever desire of her…"

"It's beautiful…" I say, not able to look at her in the eyes. I give her back the notebook and shudder as I feel the tip of her fingers slightly brushing against mine as she take the cahier away.

"Thanks," she says, "I am a bit stuck."

I cough, "I think I heard the bell. We have English next Amy Raudenfeld, let's go." I get up and I grab her by the arm puling her on her feet.

She groans, "I don't want to go to class just yet."

"English is your favorite subject. What's up with the dread?"

"I don't like the new teacher." She pouts, "She's mean and rude and I dislike her very much."

"That's weird because she seems to like you way more than anybody else in the classroom."

"So what? That only means she gives me way more work than any of you." She frowns, "I think I'm going to skip her class for today and head home early."

"That's bad Amy. You don't usually just skip classes for no apparent reasons, what's really the problem here?" I raise an eyebrow, obviously awaiting her explanation but she made a vague dismissive gesture with her hands.

"There's nothing going on, I'm just not in the mood to do any work right now." She looks away from me; she's never been good at lying.

"OK, fine but I'm coming with you." I say, grabbing my backpack off the ground.

"No!" she quickly yells, "I mean, there's no need for you to come with me. I'm fine."

She's obviously hiding something from me. "Amy, what is up with you?" I ask, annoyed that I wasn't getting anything from her odd behavior. That's so not like her to be so difficult.

I see a frown creeping up upon her forehead and I find her eyes mark an expression of impatience and uneasiness.

"Just drop it Karma," she sounds cold, although, clearly not wanting to sound that way, "I know you are worried but, just for today, don't worry about me, alright." She takes a hold of my face in her hand then gently cups my chin, "I promise you that there is nothing to worry about."

Once again, I lost myself within her green eyes, trying to find a way out but all I see is an entrance with no exit.

I feel myself relaxing underneath her touch, wishing for her to just grab me and pull me in a tight hug and she grants me my wish. I sigh inwardly, finding peace and security within her embrace, totally appeasing my inner battle of confusion and wariness.

And within the crook of my neck, I hear her breathe, "I love you."

"And I love you," I sigh, but more than you will ever be aware of Amy Raudenfeld.

She releases me and I couldn't feel any colder than I was ever even aware of before memorizing the way it felt to be held by her now that I know of my feelings. I watch her walk away from me and I couldn't help but dreading the prospect of that ever happening in a situation where she wouldn't ever come back to me.

"I'm not gay!" I can't be, can I?

Amy:

"I pulled away from her, I held her and I pulled away.

All I've ever wanted, was to hold her, but I pained –

For, the ache, insupportable as it is, is enough to surrender;

Surrender? Haven't I already given in? I love her.

She's my forbidden fruit, and I have tasted it,

But I don't cave in, for the love resting upon my lips –

…has already betrayed, the one woman who kisses me."

Karma:

I reach my house as soon as school finished. I did not want to stay any longer with that nagging feeling I have been having since Amy left. I worry. I worry about her and I hate the fact that I do. Ugh! Where did she go? What is she up to? I go upstairs, quickly making small talk with my parents before I lock myself in the room, waiting for Amy to give me a call, or even just a text. A few hours went by and I still don't hear from her. So I decide to text her.

"Hey Aims, I worry about you. Give me a call so that I know that you are alright. – K."

I hear my parents call me downstairs to announce supper but I didn't really feel hungry. I try to take a nap but, in vain. All I kept thinking about was Amy. I glance in my phone again, there were no reply, and I waited for the notification to let me know that she read the message but, it is still, apparently, unread. I go up, grab my guitar and I try to come up play with some new tunes, trying to forget that I, even remotely, am a bit jealous of the fact that she might be with…Reagan. I shut my eyes; slap my face, erasing the thought of her being with her. It's been that way for months and I can't stand it. I don't know what triggered my realization that I was even in love with her but it just happened. I hate it. Of course, I still can't fully trust her with the entire Liam dilemma. But, I want to do her so bad, it's frustrating. I bite my lips at the latter realization. What the fuck am I thinking about?

But, seriously, I feel this pain in my chest every time the thought of her being loved by Reagan cross my mind for even a second. It's funny how I feel just as much pain away from her every minute as I do when I am with her every second. The control that I let her have over me is overwhelming, to say the least. And I prefer to believe the pain has to do with the fact that I am just getting over the reality that I have to share my best friend with someone else than to admit the truth that I am missing her in a way that is absolutely not platonic – not in the least bit. I hear my phone ringing and I take it to look at the ID and I jump when I see that it is Amy. I quickly answer. I look at the time to see it reads about ten after midnight.

"What the hell Amy? I've waited for hours." I could feel her frowning at the end of the line.

"What did I tell you about worrying about me? I am fine." She assures, "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am coming over."

"Why?" I ask.

"I need a reason to see my best friend now? Harsh!" she feigns offence.

I chuckle, "It's not that buttface, I thought, maybe, you had other plans." I say, trying to hide the uncertainty in my voice, not really comprehending why.

"No, I just got back from a date with Reagan." She says.

"You skip school to go on a date with Reagan? Since when do you even skip school for anyone?" I say, trying to sound as neutral as possible. I failed miserably.

"Are you jealous?" she says, trying so hard not to enjoy a jealous Karma.

"No I am not," I protest, "I just think she's having a bad influence on you."

"I've only skipped a class Karma, not an entire day of school." I could tell she rolled her eyes at that.

"So, it's only a class. How long before it's an entire day, then several days until you ultimately drop out of high school?"

"OK, you are seriously over thinking this. Reagan has been nothing but good to me." She argues, "And I can think for myself Karma. That's why I didn't want to tell you anything this morning. I knew you'd be acting like this."

"Well, if you could think for yourself Amy, you wouldn't have skipped a class to be with her." I mindlessly counterattacked.

"Oh, I see. Is that how you feel? I think we should talk about this tomorrow morning, at school."

"Aren't you coming over?"

"I changed my mind." I hear the click sound, signaling that the conversation has reached its end.

Amy:

"Sometimes, my forbidden fruit's taste might have gone stale,

Yet, I always run back to the tree from which it swells.

How could I refuse her my love? For she is a belle;

And I know how addictive her bosoms upon which I dwell."