A/N: This idea just randomly popped into my head, and even though it seems kinda serious at first, it isn't. It is pure humor. And as for why it's Tsume and not someone else . . .well, you don't see a lot of her, and she's not that much older than Kakashi, so why not? Besides, I don't really know where this story is going anyway.
"No," Kakashi said, backing away from the Third Hokage, from the three crying babies next to the old man. "I cannot do this."
Sarutobi sighed, observing the demolished village through the wide window. "Kakashi, you have to do it. You are the only one who can do it. You happened to know all of their families—and you were there when all three of them were born."
"Hokage-sama, I'm not cut out for this! I don't have anyone to go off of; I wouldn't know what I was doing!" Kakashi argued, vainly trying to block out the sounds of crying from the three orphans.
"Kakashi," Sarutobi said, turning to smile at the young man. "You can do this. Sakumo was a great father, and Minato taught you everything you would ever need to know about this. And, I've assigned someone to help you. Tsume!" he called.
Tsume Inuzuka trudged into the room, a baby cradled in her arms, her daughter trailing behind her. "I'm here. What do you need, Sarutobi?"
Sarutobi glanced sharply at her, while Kakashi gawked at the woman in front of him, horrified.
"I have a mission for you. Teach Kakashi all he needs to know about being a parent." The Hokage said.
"I'm nineteen!" Kakashi interrupted. Sarutobi ignored him.
"Why do I have to do it?" Tsume questioned, shifting the baby in her arms. "There are plenty of other women who can do it."
"Because you are a wonderful mother, and you can teach him better through demonstration with little Kiba." Sarutobi answered choosing not to see that Kakashi was waving his arms in the air trying to get his attention.
Kakashi gave up when the ANBU stationed outside the window—he thought he knew him, even though he was wearing the mask—looked at him with steely green eyes. The Hokage was not going to listen to him, no matter what he said or did.
Tsume gazed down at her children for a long moment, and then shrugged, glancing back up at the old man. "Why not? This could be fun."
Kakashi clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from blurting anything that would get him into trouble, and hesitantly took the baby Sarutobi handed him. He had gotten the blonde, who he knew was Minato-sensei's kid, and the dark-haired Uchiha went to Tsume. She adjusted Kiba in her arms so that she could hold both of them with no difficulty. The pale-haired Sakura Haruno was given to a young Hana, and she carefully held Sakura the way she had seen her mother hold her brother.
"Oh! Before I forget, how is Isamu?" Sarutobi wondered, finally sitting down in his chair.
Tsume growled low in her throat, surprising all four babies into startled silence. "Don't mention that coward's name to me. He ran away again! I swear, if he comes near me again, I'm gonna murder him! Courage, my ass . . . he should have been named Hitoshi (1)!"
Sarutobi smiled gently at her. "I'm sure he had very good reason to leave, Tsume."
She snorted. "Whatever. Come on, kid." She said to Kakashi, who nearly dropped Naruto in surprise. "You're coming with me."
/
You know that feeling you get when you first hold your new-born son or daughter?
Yeah, Kakashi didn't have that feeling. And there were two reasons why: one, he wasn't even related to the three kids—well, in a way, if you think about it, Sasuke sort of was, but only through his eye. Obito was like, a cousin to Sasuke, so that would mean Kakashi's Sharingan eye would be related to Sasuke. But that was too complicated for even Kakashi to understand, so on to the second reason: he had never really wanted kids.
Because he didn't really have anyone close to him anymore—Rin had died years ago, Obito was gone; Minato-sensei and Kushina were all dead—he had mostly focused on missions. Missions to help the village, missions to stop the war, you name it, he had done it. Therefore, he hadn't been thinking much about his future, and now he was paying the price.
Tsume was completely fine with having three extra kids in her house, plus Kakashi. She was acting like this was completely normal, and frankly, it was freaking Kakashi out.
The young man didn't know what to do, so he stood awkwardly by the wall until Tsume glanced back at him.
"Oh, don't stand there like an idiot." She scolded him, arranging blankets on the floor with Hana's help. "Bring the children over here."
Kakashi handed her Sasuke, who was sound asleep, and then Sakura and Naruto, who were cooing quietly to each other, like they were having a conversation. Kakashi didn't know if that was possible—Naruto was five days old, for God's sake!—so he dismissed it and stood in the corner while he waited for more directions.
"Oh my God, if you're just going to stand there like an idiot without doing anything, at least go back to your apartment and pack a bag." Tsume ordered. "You're staying in the guest bedroom."
Kakashi was halfway out the door before he registered what she had said, and turned back around to stare at her. "Excuse me?"
"What?" Tsume asked, not looking up from the children. "Did you really think I was going to let you go home with three children when you have no idea what you're doing?"
Kakashi sighed. "I guess I should have seen this coming."
He turned around and trudged out of the house to his apartment.
The moment he was out of sight Tsume turned to her daughter. "Hana, go clean the guest room quickly."
Hana was two steps ahead of her mother, already hurrying up the stairs.
A/N: Finally finished. I love reviews, and if you would leave me one, I might update faster if you like the story.
(1): Isamu means courage, and Hitoshi means motivated person. What Tsume is saying that because Isamu left her, again, that he wasn't brave, but he was a very motivated person in the way that he was motivated to leave her. Does that make sense?