Resident Evil: Deadpool
Written by a jackass
Edited by a self entitled prick
Oh hi there. Deadpool here. I know you're wondering. Why is Deadpool talking to the readers? Well as you know I'm well known for breaking the 4th wall. I even broke the 4th wall inside of a 4th wall at some point. Anyhoo, Anything involving the Resident Evil movie and game characters are not owned by the idiot writing this. Neither am I. Unfortunately, I don't even own me. Well get a move on, you morons. (some prick decided to give me shit for writing stories the way i do. only moving the title and disclaimer the the first fucking story content page to relieve me of this fucking bullshit. those jackasses probably consider this as not story content either.)
Prologue
"Oh hi everybody. My name's Deadpool, but you already knew that. What you didn't know is that I'm Deadpool from the movie, but with a twist. I've been abducted. You wanna know who is the culprit? You guessed it, or you didn't. For those of you who didn't, some dickwad decided to pluck me from between the legs of my future babymomma and dropped me in a place that calls itself Raccoon city. I mean who name's a city after a vicious Raccoon. That's like naming a city after a certain someone." Said Deadpool. Then he looked around conspiratorially, then said to the readers, "That certain someone's name rhymes with pulverine. Now i know what you're thinking. Why is Deadpool in Raccoon City? Well here's my answer. Let's find out then get me back to the delicious pair of tits of my fiance." Then, Deadpool saw some guys rushing around in the streets and eating people. Deadpool dropped down and pulled out his handguns while rolling to his feet and said, "Oh look at all the hungry people." Then some of the hungry people ran at Deadpool and didn't make it two feet near him before Deadpool shot them down. Deadpool said, "Must've been really hungry normal people." Then one of them got back up while he was walking away and jumped on him biting him. "Owowowowowowow! That hurt. No hickies on the first date, mr bitey." said Deadpool for shooting him again and shooting some more before he realized. Oh, that's why they're not dying willingly. They're zombies. Yay! Then he pulled out slicey and dicey and started slicing and dicing.
He killed several of the zombies before he started getting tired and said, "Man, dismembering these guys sure is fun. Unfortunately they're too many. I need to find something to munch on myself and somewhere to go beddy by. Do you guys know anywhere ideal? The local po-po station. Great idea. Lots of guns, donuts, and highly defendable. I could sleep through this whole ordeal." said Deadpool exhaustively. He arrived at the local RCPD station and dispatched some hungry dispatchers and went to sleep in the captain's office after eating some leftover donuts.
Deadpool woke up at night when he heard a loud noise outside. He immediately tried getting up before realizing he was in a chair and toppled off the chair and fell down. Very smooth Wade, very smooth indeed. Then he got up and looked outside the window. Oh my, that guy's big and chasing some sexy blonde. Guess it's time to save the day and possibly get in her pants. Sorry Vanessa, but my big wiener has needs. Then as he was jumping towards the window the girl came through and knocked into him. "Hey, don't knock into a guy trying to help you!" said Deadpool indignantly. Then she ran out the door in a hurry after getting up and Deadpool saw the guy staring at him and said, "Oh shit sticks. Hi. How are you? I'm Deadpool." Then Nemesis used his minigun and shot at Deadpool, but missed all except one bullet which got him in the dick. Nemesis left seeing him as a low level of danger, and Deadpool fell unconscious.
When Deadpool woke up he whined, "Owwwwww." After getting up he felt around down there and realized that he couldn't reattach his one eyed giant because it had exploded he sighed resigning himself to the slow regeneration of his dingus. Deadpool immediately gathered all the ammo he could and ran after the mystery blonde. Man she is very fast and I see why she ran from Mr. Fugly. That guy has no sense of manly dignity or mercy. I'm going to give him a piece of his medicine. Thought Deadpool. He arrived at a school and saw the girl there. He said, "Heya blondie. Remember me?" She looked at him and said, "No. Who are you supposed to be?" Deadpool looked at her quietly for a few seconds and then said, "Seeing as us meeting for the first time by knocking into each other at the RCPD station was immemorable to you let's try again. Hi I'm Deadpool. Who are you?" The girl turned away and got the remainders her group and a different guy Deadpool later learned was named Carlos. After the phone ringed she answered. Then after she had handed the girl the phone she went to inject Carlos with a green liquid. After that she took the phone again and stood listening. Then she informed the group that they were heading out. Deadpool elected to tag along and looked around for the first time and saw the city. "Man, this apocalypse blows. I wish it was the walking Dead apocalypse or the Zombieland Apocalypse." some of the group looked at him and an african american man said, "Dude, you high or something?" Deadpool said, "No, but I wish I was. It wasn't the first time i was stoned and daydreamed about an apocalypse. Though it was an apocalypse of ladies. They outnumbered men and I had one hell of a time." The other guy thought for a minute and grinned, "I wish I had your daydream when I was high." Deadpool looked at him seriously and said, "wouldn't recommend it. I wound up with my willy all raw from the year I spent high as balls. Didn't help that I was in the ocean either."
The man looked at him weirdly subconsciously moving his hand to his crotch and said, "Dude, you're a strange motherfucker." Deadpool gasped sarcastically and said, "There are kids present. Watch your language." Carlos passed him and said, "Hypocrite." Deadpool said indignantly, "Hey I'm not a hypocrite. I was being sarcastic when I chastised this man with the golden guns." Carlos ignored him and kept moving on. When they arrived at the helipad they moved stealthily. Deadpool whispered, "Leave this pooper scoopers to me. Watch how the pros do it Senior Carlos." Deadpool heard Carlos hiss, "I'm not mexican and you're a sorry excuse for a soldier." as he sneaked like a cartoon would. Deadpool quietly pulled out one of his si's and then turned to the readers and whispered, "Yes, the writer is bringing some things from my game to me for the story." then he stabbed one of the guards in the neck while holding his hand over a guards mouth. The other guard looked to the left and back, then quickly looked back just before Deadpool cleaved his head in two with dicey.
They made their way helicopter after all the guards they could see were there. Deadpool saw some guys appear after the girl went into the copter and asked Carlos, "What's the blonde badass chick's name? Is it Xena? Seems like a Xena. Maybe she's the fifth element. Just needs to be a ginger for that to be true. Then again maybe not." Carlos said, "Her name is Alice and shut up. We have to get on board." Deadpool said. "Sure, I'll shut up. When I'm dead or asleep, also we'll be captured in a few minutes. Just thought you'd like to know." Carlos immediately looked and before he reacted they were surrouned and before he could warn Alice a man in glasses dragged the girl they were to rescue and pulled her with him. Alice then got out and went to the middle. She looked around and saw everyone captured. Jill, Carlos, the gangster wannabe and the loudmouth. Then after Nemesis showed up the man in glasses said, "The two of you showed such promise, but we had to see you in action. And most impressive you've been. You're like brother and sister. Heightened speed, strength, agility, the same killer instincts. Parallel strands of research. And now… Now we'll discover which is superior. Fight him." Alice said, "No" The man in glasses replied calmly, "Fight him, or they die." Alice replied coldly, "What makes you think I care?" The man turned and shot the guy in a wheelchair and killed him. The little girl cried, "Daddy! Daddy, no." Alice looked with distraught on her face and said quietly, "No." The man in glasses calmly said, "He was a valuable asset to the corporation. Begin" Alice looked back and saw Nemesis. They fought for quite a few minutes, till Alice pushed Nemesis onto a sharp metal brace that Nemesis broke a piece from. Alice said, "I'm sorry. Oh, Matt. I'm so sorry." The man in glasses was about to say something when Deadpool rolled his eyes and said, "Bored!" Then he freed himself and punched at the nearest guard and threw a si at Carlos's bonds freeing him. Deadpool immediately sliced and diced the umbrella corporation's soldiers while jill and Carlos fought. Then Deadpool freed the man with the golden guns while he was swinging his sword and said, "Dr. Doolittle go get to the chopper!" Then he turned when he saw Nemesis pulling itself free while the man in glasses ran back to the copter. Deadpool was about to go help alice when he saw Nemesis shoot at the umbrella corporation soldiers on either side of her instead.
Then he got shot in the back and he turned around and said, "how dare you shoot a man in the back! Do you want to know why I wear red leather?" Then the man shot Deadpool in the chest with full auto while Deadpool said, "It's so the bad guys don't see me bleed. I hope you got your brown pants." Then Deadpool rammed into the guy turning him into a human shish kabab. Then he heard an explosion and saw a helicopter blade coming towards Alice and Nemesis. Just before it made contact Nemesis pushed Alice to the side. Deadpool ran to her and said, "Excuse me your ladyship, but Mr. Fugly didn't sacrifice himself for you, just so you could become some douchenozzle's plaything. Now let's go destroy Umbrella. They deserve to die for what they did to you and your fugly friend. You should be grateful he's dead anyway. He shot my dick off so I was going to return the favor." Alice glared at him and kicked him in the manberries before running to the copter. Deadpool groaned and muttered, "One of these days, I'm going to learn to think before i speak." Then he looked at the readers and said, "What?! I am capable of learning from my mistakes. And all of them happen cause of me either not thinking before I speak or for not thinking at all. So, logically I'll learn to think before I speak, but can't help with the not thinking part. You don't believe me? Yeah, you're probably right." Then he hurriedly ran to the copter before it took off and watched the Zombies eat the man in glasses alive and said, "Whoa that dingbat has become someone's happy meal." while flying away with the others. They thought they had escaped till they were shot down.
See you guys next time on Resident Evil: Deadpool. I wonder what you guys will see or rather read next. Don't forget to leave reviews and tell your friends, girlfriends, and other dicksnippers about this story. Also, don't forget to read Soron66's Supernatural: Legend of the Rider. Though, you guys should mainly read me. Till next time. ciao.