Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters you recognize from the books and movies. I do, however, own Lila and this plot.

Giving Up

Chapter One

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else." - Anonymous.

The word 'unfair' had crossed my mind, but I didn't dare say a thing. It would have been childish, and if I did that I might as well pout and stomp my foot. But I thought it, because really, it was true. This was all unfair and I threw an internal tantrum, even if it didn't make me feel any better in the end. It left me feeling foolish, childish, and like I had been kicked while I was down.

But I never showed it to any of them – let alone to him. Maybe he would have understood and apologized, or just given me a 'poor Lila' look without any words to back it up. Because really, what could he say to make any of this hurt less? Nothing. There was nothing he could say to make any of this feel even an ounce better than it did. I couldn't think of one damn scenario that turned out in my favor.

Well, except the one where he miraculously remembers that it was me he loved first…not Tonks. In that wonderful daydream that I had entertained for a moment, everything turned out wonderful. I wasn't the one left heartbroken and tossed aside, and whatever it was that hurt so bad inside of me was alleviated immediately.

But it didn't.

When that pink haired witch had come bursting into the room with the wonderful news and a wide smile – they were engaged – everyone flocked around and congratulated her. I probably should have followed suit, even if it would have killed me to smile and tell her how happy I was that she was marrying him. It was painful to even think about that, and I probably would choke on any words. She was marrying the man I was absolutely and irreversibly smitten with.

I should have been the bigger person and put on a brave face, but I didn't. I couldn't even bring myself to do that. Instead, I backed away from the crowd of cooing women and smiling men and slipped out of the room and into the kitchen.

Several minutes had gone by and I found myself still standing over the sink and gripping the curved edges, just coming to terms with what was going through my mind. Remus had turned me down after years of pining over him, and he was now marrying Tonks. I had never been the jealous type (to my knowledge), and the murderous and horrendous things that flashed through my mind shocked me. The water was running, just so that I wouldn't have to listen to the people talking in the other room, but the sound seemed to make it harder to make sense of my thoughts.

The Weasley house had thin walls – we all knew this – so the tap had been cranked onto its highest setting so that all I could hear were murmurs and the occasional booming laugh. A few droplets splashed onto my hand and it felt like I had just been jolted out of a daydream. My hands flew away from the sink and I recoiled like I had been burned, but really, I was just shocked. I was still in shock; I didn't want to let the information settle in because an engagement to Remus was something that I had dreamed about (where I was in Tonks' position, of course).

My stomach churned and in a split second I was searching the kitchen for the small trash can that I knew was there. It was probably the sound of me heaving up my lunch that brought someone into the room, and my body immediately tensed up the moment I heard the door squeak. My fingers felt numb and my knuckles were white, but I still gripped the edge of the trash can like a lifeline and I was briefly aware that I was now on my knees in the corner of the kitchen. My ears were ringing, but over that I could hear someone's footsteps.

Boy, this must have looked weird to whoever walked in. The horrible taste of puke made me gag again, and it wasn't long before my head was once more in the can as I threw up.

I jumped when something landed on my shoulder, but my senses felt like they left me again when I began dry-heaving, now that my lunch was long gone. Someone's fingers were pulling the hair out of my face and over my shoulder, and despite the fact that the hand rubbing my back was obviously trying to provide comfort, all I wanted to do was shrug it off and tell whoever was there to leave me alone.

I took deep, gasping breaths when the dry heaving was over and I tried to spit as much as I could into the trash can, determined to get rid of the putrid taste and smell.

"Let it out, honey." That was unmistakably Molly's voice. I stayed and spat into the garbage can while she got up and rummaged through the cupboards and filled something in the sink before finally turning off the tap.

So that had been the noise ringing in my ears – I just didn't turn off the water.

"Here. Rinse out your mouth," she instructed with another hand on my shoulder and nudging my hand with the glass. My knuckles remained white even after I grabbed the water and stared at it for a moment, still surprised that nothing except emotion had made me physically ill and sending me to the bin.

"Thanks," I said to Molly when my knees finally felt stable enough to hold me up. I inspected the glass for just a moment and took a large drink of water. I swished it around in my mouth thoroughly before spitting it back into the sink, repeating this several times and well aware that Molly was leaning against the counter and watching closely. When the glass of water was empty and I couldn't smell that acidic bile anymore, I refilled the glass and turned to finally face Molly with a sheepish smile.

"Are you alright?" There was no mistaking the worry in her voice, but there was also a bit of pity that made me feel like I wanted to run away and hide. I couldn't meet her gaze when she was looking at me like that, so I smoothed out the wrinkles in my jeans and messed with the hem of my shirt, just for something to do.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, trying for another smile that was very obviously seen through by years and years of being a mother. "I'm not sure what just came over me. Maybe I ate something weird earlier." We both ignored the fact that I had eaten her food earlier that day…because that clearly wasn't the problem. I could see the disapproving look she shot me before she folded her arms and looked around her kitchen.

I wanted to run over and hug Molly when I saw her take a deep breath and let it go. At that moment, the last thing I wanted was someone to play shrink and pry. A hand went to her hair for just a second before it fell to her side and she looked to the door behind her, clearly not accustomed to not prying.

"Well, the meeting should have started by now," she said with a kind smile, motioning with a tilt of her head to the door leading into the living room. "Why don't we join them?"

I forced a smile in return and nodded, the cold glass of water still in my hand as I followed her into the other room. By now, everyone who had stood up to congratulate the newly-engaged woman had either sat down or moved to the edge of the room. Kingsley, one of the few standing alongside the wall, took a small step to the side and smiled, silently inviting me to stand between him and one of the many people I knew by their face, and not their name. Molly went to sit next to Arthur and Tonks (who, I noticed without a hitch, was still beaming despite the rather rough topic they were currently talking about).

"Are you alright?" Kingsley whispered, tilting his head down to me and eyes flashing from the water in my hand to my face, and whatever it was giving away.

I nodded and took a sip of water, turning when Arthur's enthusiastic voice caught my attention. From that point on, I didn't say a word. I wanted to pay attention to what everyone was talking about (I really did), but I couldn't focus on what anyone was saying to save my life. Their lips were moving, but all I could hear was Tonks exclaiming that Remus had proposed and the satisfying sound of fantasy-me dumping my glass of fantasy-water all over fantasy-Tonks' head.

Everybody murmured something and I looked up from inspecting the split ends of my hair.

That had been a horrible idea. There, standing against the wall, was Remus. He was right beside the door to the kitchen, and I felt my stomach do another flip. Could he have heard me puking? Molly coming up and helping me?

I looked to who was talking immediately like I had just been shocked, but only a few words of what Molly was saying actually made sense to me. I took a split second to glance over, and like the polite person he was, he was listening to what people were saying and his warm eyes jumped around to watch each individual talk. Then, it felt like I had been struck by lightning again and either my heart was being too fast or too slow; I only tell that something in my chest was definitely not right. He glanced up just briefly, enough to see that I was staring at him and the fact that I reflexively looked away didn't help my case at all.

"That's not a great idea, Moody." Kingsley's deep rumble of a voice distracted me for just a moment, and it was what I needed to calm down. Apparently, taking on Moody during this conversation was a gutsy move, because many people who had been sitting down shifted to turn and look at him as he continued speaking. I turned to watch him talk, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. My heart was finally beginning to beat normally again and I was debating whether or not to look back over to the other wall where Remus was standing. He could be looking back and whatever had tipped Kingsley off to something being wrong would surely tip him off as well.

"I'm with Moody on this one," Tonks said boldly and with no excuse other than pure jealousy, I wanted to look up at glare daggers at her. But I didn't, and within a second everyone's attention shifted to someone else as the conversation continued around the room, jumping from person to person.

It still hurt. Whatever it was that hurt so much that my stomach gave a physical reaction still felt like there were needles stabbing at it, but the pure shock of it was finally fading and it became a dull throb. I normally offered a bare minimum to the conversations at the Order's meetings, and now I wasn't even able to offer that much. My eyes darted to the door and then briefly (very briefly) to Remus before I took a sip of water so that I would be doing something other than standing and staring down at my own two feet. I could probably leave without being noticed. But that would mean walking past him, and I would definitely have to at least look up at him while I left. I think it was that, and that alone, which kept me glued to my spot by the wall.

I really don't know how much time had passed, but every once in a while I would tune in enough to nod and act as if I was listening and maybe sip my water. By the time my glass was empty, I really had no idea what time it was or what (at all) had been discussed. I would have to gather some information from Molly later, even if that meant explaining why I had been distracted through the entire meeting. She probably knew already, anyway. I reflexively went to take another sip of water and realized that the glass was empty. My cheeks burned a little pink when I saw from the corner of my eye that Kingsley had noticed, and I lowered the glass to my side, looking up to see that Molly was talking again.

"Can I get you some more?" Kingsley whispered, holding a hand out and glancing down at the glass.

"Um, thanks." I smiled politely and gave him my glass of water. Nobody seemed to notice when he disappeared from the room for a moment and reappeared with a full glass moments later. I nodded and thanked him once more when he handed me the water, and he turned to pay attention to the conversation again. If only I could do that. I listened to Arthur argue momentarily with Moody before several people joined in and within a minute, Moody's suggestion was deemed "unnecessarily fatal".

Remus began talking and I took another sip of water when my mouth went dry. It was only a sentence or two that he said, and I wasn't even paying attention to what he said, but my stomach began aching again. It wasn't as if I was going to throw up since there wasn't much more that I could throw up, it was just hearing him talk. He would be talking to Tonks – I would eventually have to hear them, after all. He would then inevitably tell someone how happy he was with her, and say his vows, and I really had to get out of here.

I wanted to run out of the room, even if it meant going past Remus, and maybe apparate home so that I could scream into a pillow. My couch would make a good kicking-post and a bucket of ice cream would give me some much-needed comfort. But first, I had to get out of here.

If Kingsley could leave so silently and unnoticed, then maybe I could too. I took a deep breath and listened to my heart pounding in my ears. If I didn't leave now then I wouldn't leave until the meeting was over, and who knew how long that could take, because I didn't even know how long we had already been here.

I took one step away from the wall and had to keep walking. I kept my gaze low until I was through the door and into the kitchen. I shut the door behind me and saw that my hand was shaking, and still gripping the doorknob. Even the water in the glass was sloshing around, so I went and dumped the rest into the sink and set it on the counter.

Merlin, I should have run through the back door and gone home while I still had the chance. The door opened up behind me and I felt my muscles automatically tense up, ready to choose between fight or flight.

"Are you okay?"

I wanted to cry. Of course, this was my fucking luck.

"Yeah," I lied through my clenched teeth and kept my back to him, aware that the moment I turned around I would get the pitying stare that Molly had given me before. Either that, or everything would pour out of me like a leaky faucet and whatever miniscule chance I had at maintaining our friendship would be down the drain.

"You were throwing up before, are you sick?" I turned my head to the side but decided against facing him entirely.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go home early. Tell Molly her lunch was wonderful." I had to turn to him in order to get to the back door, but I kept my gaze low, only glancing up far enough to see that he was wearing the same tattered robes he always wore, and even that felt like too much. I didn't want to look at him because whatever it was that was aching so painfully would only hurt worse. I didn't want to look at him or hear him speak, so I walked quickly to the back door as fast as I could and shut the door behind me. I took a deep breath, and the icy cold air made my nose sting and my eyes water, but I didn't waste time getting used to it before walking into the shadows of the Weasley's backyard.

Twenty yards away, and I could apparate home. From inside the barrier I could see the faint lavender glow of the protective force field and could hear the gentle hum it gave off. I walked quickly, both because it was cold (and damn, I had left my jacket inside), and because all I wanted to do was break down, kick something, eat something, and cry. The dew on the grass made me slip and it felt like my heart skipped a beat, but I regained my balance quickly and continued on at the same pace. Something that had been bottled up ever since Tonks had walked into that damned room with that damned ring and that damned smile was beginning to shake and I knew it was only a matter of time. Something was going to break.

I could feel it when I passed through the boundary that surrounded the Weasley house, and I immediately apparated to the alleyway a half a block away from my flat. The air out here was colder than it had been out in the county, and the streetlights made it easier to see the road around me. I held my stomach, something that was still aching, and ran down the street and up the steps to my small home.

Seconds after I had reset all of my locks and put the usual spell up on the front door, that thing broke. My hand flew to my mouth in a useless attempt to keep it all inside but it only lasted for a second. I needed a breath of air, but it came in as a choked sob and it was then that the dam broke loose and it all came out.

The man that I had loved for years was getting married.

Beta: Sunshine After the Rain and Shira Lansys. Thanks, you two!

Song for this chapter: "Lightspeed" by Grieves.