When You Feel Like You Don't Deserve Chapter 1, a twilight fanfic

Lyrical Melodrama Story Contest

Name Of Story: When You Feel Like You Don't Deserve

Pen Name: Irish Charm

Song Story is Inspired By: Where I Stood

Artist: Missy Higgins

Category: Newbie

Main Pairing: Edward & Bella

POV: All Knowing

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.

Chapter 1

Bella knew what she had to do, she had to break things off with Edward. Bella was sitting on a bench outside in the hospital courtyard waiting for Edward to come out for his dinner break. Edward had just finished medical school and had been awarded a perspicacious position at Seattle Grace Hospital to do his residency. Bella completed her PhD in English Literature at the same time. She had just accepted a job with Voltora Publishing Company in Seattle as a editor. It was hard work but she loved it.

Once they moved back to Washington Edward purchased a nice townhouse in the suburbs outside of Seattle. As Edward's hours got more and more difficult, Bella found all her old insecurities coming back. While they were in college they had the same crazy hours. While Edward would be at the hospital working crazy hours as a intern, Bella was in the library and at her mentor's office writing her dissertation. It wasn't until Bella was working and had normal business hours that she realized how little she had seen of Edward over that last few years. She always had work that she could take home but it wasn't the same as college.

There was something inside her that told her that she didn't deserve to be happy. But it all came crashing down with one simple phone call. She was waiting up for Edward to get home one night when the phone rang. Looking at the caller id she saw that it was the hospital, thinking that it was Edward she answered with a breathless "Hello." But the voice on the other end was not Edward. It was Dr Tanya Denali, Bella had heard a lot about her from Edward. But what came out of the woman's mouth would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Tanya called out of concern for Edward. She had explained to Bella that Edward was a gifted Doctor that had a brilliant promising career ahead of him. But Tanya explained that there was only one thing missing from Edward and that was his level of concentration. He wasn't giving 100% while working and that was because his mind was clouded by Bella. Tanya explained to Bella that by her loving him they way she did she was going to destroy him. Now why would Tanya do this would you ask, well it was simple, she was in love with Edward too.

Her exact words were "I know that this is hard for you to hear Bella but I am what he really needs. You could never be enough to fulfill his every desire. It takes a strong woman to give Edward the support that he is going to need as a doctor. You would never be able to understand him like I could. Sure he may think that you are all there is for him. But, you do realize that is only because he doesn't know any different. He is just thinking like a boy because you are his first love. And Bella you know that first loves are not meant to last. I could show him what it truly is to be loved." So here was a total stranger tell Bella what deep down she always knew.

Bella knew that Edward loved her with everything that he has. There was no one that could deny the love that Edward felt for Bella, all you had to do was spend 5 seconds in his presence to feel it coming off him in waves. And Edward was her whole life, when she was away from him she felt like a part of herself was missing.

But lately it has just not been enough. To Bella it seemed that fate was finally catching up to her and realizing that she did not belong with Edward. She always had been aware that Edward was too good for her, but she fooled herself into thinking that it could work. Tanya's phone call had just made her realize that she was letting Edward down. She was holding him back from greatness, and that was not except-able.

Whenever Edward was off from work it seemed like Bella was always at work. They times that they did have off she wanted him to worry about himself not her. His only thoughts should be about his residency and becoming the best doctor he could be. But because he knew that she was worrying about them and lonely he wasn't taking care of himself. He was staying up when he should sleep, he was going out when he should be at home studying for his next surgery. Bella had the feeling that she was putting his future at risk and she knew that she wasn't worth that. She believed that he could do better then her, she had always felt that way.

Edward was a wonderful man he always put others needs in front of his own. Everything that he did showed how caring , compassionate, loyal and affectionate he was. He loved with his whole heart and never held anything back. Bella felt like she was always taking but never giving anything back.

But what Bella was unable to see and accept was that they were perfect for each other. Bella didn't realize that she was the most selfless person that walked the face of the earth. Everyone around her saw the warm loving woman that she was. Sure she was shy and a little bit of a loner, but for the people in her life she gave 100%. She gave all of herself and never asked for anything in return. If anyone ever needed help with anything Bella was the first person there for them. But she never saw that about herself. To her it was just the way that it should be. She couldn't comprehend that there were people that wanted to be there for her in the same way. Bella felt that she didn't deserve his love. Bella felt that she didn't deserve any love.

To be able to understand why Bella felt this way you have to be aware of how she grew up. You see Bella has not had a easy life. Her parents were never parents, Renee and Charlie just didn't have it in them. Bella thought that they maybe loved her deep down, but they did not know how to love.

Her parents became pregnant with her while they were in High School. There parents forced them against their will to marry. They tried to make it work for Bella, but they were just kids themselves. Then one day when Bella was only 10 weeks old Charlie returned home from work to find Renee gone. Charlie did his best to raise Bella on his own. Charlie had just joined the police force in Forks Washington it was a good job that allowed him to keep an eye on his young daughter. Bella never heard from her mother, it was like she didn't exist. Bella didn't know how to process that. She didn't have a mother, she could never understand what she had did wrong.

Charlie and Bella were lucky to have the help of his some of Charlie's long time friends from the Reservation in La Push. They helped looked after Bella when Charlie had to work and they had became her second family. Bella was never given much physical affection Charlie was not comfortable with showing emotions. Bella tried to do everything in her power to make herself useful so that she was worthy of Charlies love.

One day when Bella was 9 Renee showed up out of the blue with her new husband, Phil. When Phil had found out that Renee had a daughter he wanted her to come live with them so they could be a family. Charlie, who had never gotten over his love for Renee, just let them take Bella away without a fight. Charlie couldn't deny Renee anything and thought that maybe it would be good for Bella to be with her mother. Bella was growing older and Charlie thought that all girls needed there mother. So Bella was torn from the only family and home that she had ever known and was taken across the country. It was hard for Bella to be made to live with a mother that she didn't know.

Renee was a little disappointed when she saw her daughter again, Bella's mahogany locks and soulful brown eyes were not what she remembered. She had hoped that Bella would of kept the blue eyes and light hair that she had as a baby. But Renee felt that with the right help she could make Bella looks work for her. She did have a beautiful heart shaped face and she was thin with slight curves. Again this made Bella feel like she wasn't good enough.

For the next 6 years she lived with her mother and step-father in Jacksonville, Florida that is when they were home. Phil was a minor league baseball player and her mom always traveled with him so there were weeks on end that Bella was left in the care of Phil's Aunt Jane. Jane was not happy with being stuck caring for Bella, she had no time for a little girl. So Bella found comfort in books. Bella was a shy, quite little girl that didn't have many friends other then her books.

Renee didn't understand Bella, she was always outgoing with a lot of friends. So Renee took it upon herself to help Bella come out of her shell. She would invite kids over for wild parties and force Bella into crazy revealing outfits. Renee thought it was a phase that Bella would grow out of, but when all her attempts failed she was forced to see that Bella wasn't going to change. So at the tender age of 15 Renee put Bella back on a plane to Forks, Washington.

Bella was completely lost at this point. She withdrew further into herself. She felt like no body wanted her and she felt like it was her fault. Bella believed that it was because of her that her mother had left her as a baby. She believed that she didn't do enough to help her father, why else would he have just let her go without a fight. Then she felt like she was a failure as a daughter when she couldn't be what her mother wanted. Bella had tried to be what Renee wanted, but the harder she tried the more her mom wanted from her. She felt that she was a horrible person unworthy of love. The whole summer Bella sunk into a deep depression, where she did nothing but cook, clean and read her books. She hardly ever left the house and when she did it was only to buy more groceries. She thought about killing herself but she didn't want to put Charlie through the hassle of her funeral.

When school started something miraculous happened, she meet the Cullens. Alice was a small energized girl that had light green eyes are wild black hair and she was just what Bella needed. Alice didn't mind that Bella loved books she excepted her for who she was. Alice and Bella had first period together, and they spent the whole class talking.

Bella had been dreading lunch, she was ready to hide in the library the whole period, but Alice made her sit with her and her family. So that day Bella met Alice's older brother Emmett, he was a big muscular guy and at first sight he was very scary looking, but his light brown hair and blue eyes and his constant jokes made him more like a teddy bear. At the table was also Jasper Whitlock who just so happened to be Alice's boyfriend. Jasper was a very serious tall lanky boy with Blond hair and honey colored eyes. Jasper was the exact opposite of Alice but they were perfect for one another. And then there was Rosalie Hale. Rosalie was everything that Renee wanted Bella to be she was tall, blond and gorgeous. Rosalie was a little standoffish and seemed cold but deep down she was a good person. Emmett and Rosalie were also a perfect couple Rosalie kept Emmett in line and and he put a little fun into her life.

It was funny how every person at the lunch table was so different but at the same time they all just seemed to fit together. Alice explained that she had a twin brother Edward but he didn't attend Forks High he was a serious student who went to a science intense charter school. Edward had his future all planned out he was going to follow their fathers footsteps and become a doctor. Alice couldn't wait until Bella met him. She just knew that Bella was her brother Edward's other half.

Bella and Alice became fast friends they were inseparable. Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie all treated Bella like they had known her all her life. For the first time in her life Bella felt like maybe she could belong. But there was always the fear that they would realize that she was nothing and leave her just like everyone else. Alice kept trying to get Bella to come over her house but Bella always had a excuse. But nothing would stop Alice from spending every minute that she could with Bella. She would spend hours at Bella's house doing homework and helping Bella make dinner for Charlie before going to her own home.

Alice was just buying her time before she could get Bella and Edward together. Alice ended up having to wait 2 weeks until she could introduce Edward and Bella, but it was well worth the wait. It was at First Beach in La Push, Charlie with the help of Alice and his friends from the Reservation through Bella a Sweet 16th Birthday party. Bella was sitting on a piece of driftwood on the Beach when she got her first look at Edward Cullen. Edward was walking towards the water with Emmit, Jasper and Alice, he was wearing white board shorts and nothing else. His lean muscular body made Bella's mouth water. At that moment Edward stopped to push a lock of his crazy bronze hair out of his eyes when he caught his first sight of Bella. Emerald green eyes crashed with soulful Brown and that was all it took it was love at first sight. They spend the rest of the day playing on the beach with her friends and Edward and her life felt whole for the first time ever.

Bella could never understand how he could love her. She felt that she was just plain, that there was nothing remarkable about her. She tried to fight it, she told Edward that she was not good enough for him but he didn't listen. Edward went everywhere that Alice and Bella were. He was not going to give up on making Bella his. He sent her cards, wrote her songs on his piano, and sent her flowers. Bella resisted not because she didn't love Edward, but because she thought that he could do better. Edward was brilliant at everything that he did he had a solid 4.0 GPA, he could play the piano better then anyone Bella had ever heard, he was extremely handsome, and anything that he did just seemed to turn to gold. Bella felt that she couldn't compete with that and Edward should be with someone that could. It took Edward a full year to convince Bella to be his official girlfriend. But once he did there was no looking back they did everything together.

Edward had his work cut out for him in their relationship. Bella fought him on everything, he would buy her a gift and she would try to make him take them back. She felt that Edward was everything in there relationship and she couldn't stand to take anymore. Bella felt that she has nothing to offer Edward, but all he wanted was her. They were each others first loves and Edward swore that she was going to be his only. Edward said he would never let anything separate them.

Those two years were amazing for the three couples. The went on many triple dates, and always had the time of there lives. At the end of the year half of there group was off to college. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper were a year older then Edward, Alice and Bella. So it was Edward and Bella's job to keep Alice from completely losing her mind without Jasper. So as a surprise Bella bought everyone web cams so that they could be together even if they were miles apart.

But their biggest problem came when it was time to apply to college. Bella was only planning on applying to community college, but Edward refused to apply to any school that Bella wasn't applying to. Bella could not let him do that so after many hours of fighting Bella agreed to apply to all the same collages as Edward. Bella only humored Edward by applying she never thought that she would get in anywhere.

So 2 months later when the time came for the acceptance letters to come in Bella was prepared to comfort Edward and convince him that he had to go to the college of his choice and not worry about her. She was even thinking that she would attend a community college near his college of choice so they could still be together. Alice had made everyone wait to open there letters until they could do them all together, she called it there Acceptance party. What she was not expecting as she was sitting in between Edward and Alice was to be accepted into every single college that Edward got accepted to.

So now it was decision time, where to go. Bella was screaming that there was no way that she could go to an ivy league school when Charlie decided to crash there party. He told Bella that she was going anywhere that she wanted because he had been saving for years and with the grant Bella had received thru a essay contest she had plenty of money to go anywhere.

So after much debate Edward and Bella settle on Dartmouth College. Jasper was already at Harvard University so as soon as Alice opened her acceptance letter she was going there to join him. She didn't even open her other letters. With Emmit and Rosalie both attending Yale University, it looked like the whole gang was going to be within a few hours of each other. They got together every few weeks with the gang and even though they were all at different colleges they were still never far from each other and there bond stayed just as strong.

Dartmouth College proved to be just what Bella needed. Getting accepted gave her a moments of self worth. She believed that maybe she was good enough for Edward. Bella knew that Edward would never cheat on her, and she also knew that he would never leave her. Those 8 years were full of ups and downs. There were still girls that were smarter, more talented and more beautiful, but it didn't matter. Those girls were always throwing themselves at Edward but he never payed them any mind. Whenever Bella would bring it up Edward would always just laugh and tell her that it didn't matter because she was it for him.

When they achieved they bachelors degree they were faced with another life changing decision. Edward's next 4 years were set in stone, he would be attending medical school. Bella had no idea what she wanted to do. She didn't want to be away from Edward for 4 years. She looked into apartments and jobs near campus, but nothing worked for her. One night Edward came home with books for Bella to look at. They were about the masters degree program, he figured that it would give them another 1 ½ to 2 years to figure something out. It turned out to be the perfect solution.

Two weeks before she was scheduled to graduate with her masters her mentor Professor Siobhan, pulled her into her office and suggested that Bella should continue with her education and receive her PhD. Bella was blown away. After leaving the office she called Edward and asked if they could meet. They met at the coffee house next store to the hospital. She waited for almost an hour before Edward could get away. Bella never looked at Edward when he sat down, she jumped right into her story. When Bella finished explaining to him what Professor Siobhan said she finally looked at him. Edward just stared at her with his mouth wide open. Without any warning Edward grabbed Bella and lifted her into his arms.

During there 8 years at Dartmouth Bella came to realize that maybe just maybe she was enough for Edward. And when she realized that things got better, and she allowed there love to grown and flourish. Bella was finally secure in herself and in Edward's love. She still had moments where the voiced in her head would tell her that this wasn't going to last but they were coming farther and farther apart. And when they did all it took was one look from Edward and they shut right up.

The feelings of security that Bella had while they were in college had disappeared. The happy little bubble that they had created was slowly leaking. Bella heard those little voices again telling her that she wasn't enough and she never would be. She just kept thinking that Tanya was right, she could love Edward more then Bella did. That Tanya was the women that he needed in his future. Bella believed that she was his past but that Tanya was his future.

Without Edward there all the time to chase away the thoughts Bella started to listen to them. Then it didn't take very long until Bella started believing them. Bella concluded that she had to leave Edward, it was the only way to protect him from herself. She was going to destroy him and pull him down until he had nothing. And there was no way that she would let that happen. Edward meant to much to her for her to let that happen. She was going to leave so that he could find real happiness with someone more deserving. But now she just had to think of a way to do it. Edward would not let her go easy. He was way to loving, and loyal to her not to. Edward deserved to have it all and sadly that was Not Bella.