*A/N: this story contains numerous sexual inuendos and other such jokes along with general crude humor and swear/curse words of varrying extremities. The humor type goes from childish to downright offensive on almost every level, so dont say you werent warned.
There is no sex, no alcohol, no excessive violence (just a tad of it as people are thrown out into the snow) and no homosexual relationships-just to warn those who were hoping for it. They shall be disappointed.
*Only the characters from the TV show "Teen Titans" appear in this story, despite that the parental rating system was shot to death in the name of Christmas humor. Jesus does not care for all the jokes in this story, but he was the one who shot the parental rating system that usually restricts this show, so despite that some of the humor is not his cup of tea, he does condone this story.
An indicator of the content in this story: if you cannot handle that teeny "Jesus joke", you shouldnt be reading this at all. It only gets worse.
~0~
~story title~
"A Teen Titan Christmas Carol"
~part one~
~0~
You sit at your computer on Christmas Eve rather than spend time with your family.
Suddenly, the light from the computer screen begins to grey and you wonder what else could be wrong with your troublesome technology. If it's not new junk that's so cheaply made it has problems, it's old junk that's so outdated you cant move an inch without something crashing on you.
But as you look to your left and right, you notice that it's not the screen, it's the walls, the surface on which you sit, and the very air around you. Everything is turning grey until it fades out completely.
Your senses return to you and you don't seem to have a body. The world is still grey around you, but there's a voice speaking clearly.
/Hello and good evening, my friend lost in time~!\
You can tell it's as disembodied as you are but despite that, is as audible as you own voice. If you had a voice.
/What happens when we are filled with ill-spent greed? Living out mundane lives of nothing but petty pilfering of other's livelihoods?\
You find yourself with a chill up your spine when you hear this voice, but with nowhere else to go, you listen intently.
/Right now, we are about to enter the world of the most historical tale ever told. Never fear, I will be your guide. You shall not be alone.\
The world around you begins to fill with color, rushing in like water from a broken dam. It seems to be a place of some business with numerous people at desks scrawling away in thick books with quill pens. Not a computer in sight. Though they wear different colored clothing from what your memory tells you, you recognize these people! A woman you know as Bumblebee, two children known as Mas y Menos, a doll-eyed boy named Aqualad and an energetic youth you recall to be "Speedy". But the last, a boy you do remember quite well, stands to open the door for a tall man to enter.
/That man immediately stops and almost growls at the boy. Everyone jumps at the mere sound of his voice, but the boy, so used to it he was that he was calm as ever. He waited for the man to speak his discomfort\
"Robin Cratchet! Who in daisies is THAT and why the hell are his sideburns darkening my door?!"
There was someone in the opposite doorway who escaped your view until now. Yes, unfortunately, you do remember this boy...
-Robin Cratchet: "That's Control Freak. He's here about you evicting him from the TV station."
-Control Freak: "How can I get rid of reality TV if you wont let me control cable programming? All I ask is a bit more time... uhh..."
You see Control Freak lean over to the man's desk and squint to read his nameplate, but the first name is blurred from old age.
/So cheap was this man that he wouldn't pay for a more legible nameplate on his work desk.\
-Control Freak: "Ehhhh-um-EEhhhberrr-ssscrooge-?"
/Annoyed by someone being so rude as to come to his call without first knowing his name, the man snipped,\
"It's EBINEEZER, not that you may call me-"
-Control Freak~smiles): "Gesundheit!"
You see everyone in the room but the poor clueless Control Freak cringe and huddle their shoulders in fear as they seemed to brace themselves for something terrible to come. Then you notice the tall man clench his fists.
Without much warning at all, the tall man throws Control Freak out the window, which Robin Cratchet-the only person besides the victim to fail to cringe-had opened in preparation.
/The terrified employees of the heartless man averted their eyes as he strolled into his office muttering,\
"This is why I changed my name to 'Slade', dammit...!"
/Robin Cratchet calmly closes the window, giving one last sympathetic glance to Control Freak in the snowwy streets.\
-Slade Scrooge: "Good work, apprentice. Make sure it's locked up tight. I wont spare a single coal more for the cold air from having to deal with asswipes like that. No ass is worth even a shilling! That's why I don't deal in hookers..."
"That explains a few things about why you're in such a nasty mood all the time, Uncle! You need to get laid!"
The voice startled you, having come in the door so quickly that no one had time to adjust. Except Robin Cratchet, who seemed overjoyed at their cheery visitor, sharing Robin Cratchet's lighthearted attitude.
-Slade Scrooge: "To what do I owe this annoying visit, Nephew...?"
/The child responded,\
"How long is it going to take you to notice I'm a GIRL?! But where are my manners-Merry Christmas, Robin Cratchet and cozy workplace family~!"
/They all nodded and wanted to speak up but only Robin Cratchet had the courage.\
-Robin Cratchet: "Merry Christmas, Terra!"
-Slade Scrooge: "PSH-Merry Christmas...! Every dipshit who walks around saying that should be left bound and gagged in the basement of a politician with every other sexually abused animal and stem cell locked up down there!"
-Nephew Terra: "Much as you have so often confused holiday cheer with porn, Uncle, I will ALWAYS believe in the spirit of Christmas!"
-Robin Cratchet~and the other employees): "Me, too!"
-Slade Scrooge~angry): "Oh, sure, you can believe whatever you want-AS I CONTROL YOUR LOVED ONES WITH NANOTECHNOLOGY TO SEW THONGS FOR THE KARDASIANS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!"
/At the same old threat, the employees returned to their work, recalling what happened last week when they asked for more coal in the fire. The threat of the Kardasian thong is indeed a great one... Even I am humbled before it's terror.\
You hear a noise and turn to see yet someone new coming through the door from the cold outside.
-Slade Scrooge: "what the hell-IS THE PICTURE OF DICK CHENEY ON THE FRONT DOOR NOT SCARING PEOPLE AWAY ANYMORE?!"
-Robin Cratchet: "You wanted to change it to Mitt Romney but didnt want to spend the money on the sign, remember Master?"
-Slade Scrooge: "Oh, yeah... that bastard just isnt worth it even when it's free."
-Robin Cratchet: "On that one I agree."
-Nephew Terra: "We always were of like mind, Robin Crotchet!"
-Robin Cratchet: "It's CRATCHet!"
-Nephew Terra: "Crotchet, Cratchet-tomato, tomahto...!"
-Robin Cratchet: "There's a huge difference between a tomato and a crot-"
You are glad he is cut off midsentence by the new stranger who seems familiar to you...
-Red X Collector: "Happy Christmas, everyone! I've come to collect any xenothium you can spare!"
-Robin Cratchet: "Still trying to scrape enough together, Red X?"
-Red X Collector: "Well, you know, the poor cant very well afford their own xenothium!"
-Robin Cratchet: "That's true... wait-"
-Nephew Terra: "Since I'm on my way out, I'll leave you, Uncle, with an invitation to join me and the fam for Christmas dinner and I'll make my own donation to the poor!"
-Red X Collector: "You have xenothium? Why thank you, honey britches~!"
-Nephew Terra~cheery): "I'm afraid I dont have xenothium, but I can spare a shilling towards your xenothium funds~!"
/She drops a coin in the unhappy masked boy's palm.\
-Red X Collector~mumbling): "... nevermind that xenothium is illegal and cant be bought ya worthless little slut, see if I complement your ugly muffin ever again...!"
-Nephew Terra~on her way out): "Merry Christmas~!"
-Red X Collector~waving fake cheer): "Merry Christmas~!" ~muttering): "... little bitch, see how cocky ya are if someone shaved off all that pretty hair and used it for...-"
-Slade Scrooge: "Something about my Nephew?"
-Red X Collector: "It's a BOY? Best surgery job I ever seen-sorry, I meant-XENOTHIUM!"
-Slade Scrooge: "FUCK OFF-sorry, I meant-FUCK OFF."
-Red X Collector: "Awww, but the poor need xenothium! Have a heart man-!"
-Slade Scrooge: "You make no blasted sense! They would need safety measures for such an unstable chemical; a decent storage unit and proper handling devices."
-Red X Collector~having never thought about it): "..." ~after pause): "Yes. Yes they would. How much of that will you be donating?"
-Slade Scrooge: "Bug Humbar. None."
-Red X Collector: "You mean 'bah humbug', dont you? And why should the children not get their precious xenothium?"
/Without a word Slade Scrooge coldly points to a mural on the wall next to his desk that had a picture of a red crab-like person painted on it and the sign said "what have children ever done for ME?"\
-Slade Scooge: "Do you have any idea how many boots I lose in breaking it off in the asses of people like you all day? Get the hell out of here before I'm out another boot! If I wont pay for the ass of a hooker, why would I pay an ounce of anything that involves YOUR ass!"
-Red X Collector: "How did YOU know my other job-"
-Slade Scrooge: "Apprentice Cratchet!"
-Robin Cratchet~grabbing Red X's collar): "All right, he's foul enough without you pissing him off MORE! Out ya go! Scam the orphanage down the street!"
-Red X Collector~being dragged to the door): "Already did, they dont have anything left...!"
/The poor boy was shoved out the door without a drop of precious xenothium. With a question on his masked lips, he turned to Robin Cratchet and said,\
-Red X Collector: "Does it bother you that your name is so close to 'Crotch-et'?"
-Robin Cratchet~aggitated): "Don't EVEN get me started on the Crotchet Family Feud-!"
/Shaking his agitation, Robin Cratchet renews his Christmas spirit to smile for his shivering co-workers. He needed to keep his cheerful demenaor for their sakes.\
You hear a voice from outside come trickling in mid-verse of a song. You're very glad to hear a bright tune amid such drab rooms, but knowing the man within those rooms, you begin to worry what he might do...
"Iiiii want a hippoopotmus for christmaaaaas~! O-nly, a hippopotamus will dooooooooooo...~! Don't want a doll! No dinky tinker toooy~!"
/The whimsical tune lightened the mood and everyone's stress began to ease. However, Slade Scrooge beat Robin Cratchet to the door as the boy had been going to kindly stop the joyous caroler before...\
As the door is flung open you saw a short boy covered with green skin and long elf-like ears. You most definitely remember him as Beast Boy. But... you don't recall his hair being slicked down on both sides as it appeared now... and-is he singing in a British accent-?
-Beast Boy ChildBard: "Oh what joy and what surprise~! when I open up my eyes to see a-GAAAAAAHHH!"
/The mere sight of Slade Scrooge as Beast Boy opened his eyes on cue with his merry song wrought a terrified shriek from the poor boy standing in the cold.\
-Beast Boy ChildBard: "uhhhhhh... shilling for the song, guv'na?"
-Slade Scrooge: "What makes you come to this address?-!"
-Beast Boy ChildBard: "Why, a kind ol' gent in a cape an' skull mask told me a gen'rous ol' fellow was 'ere!"
-Slade Scrooge~leaning in): "Ah, there WAS. But generosity gave him syphilis and he died."
-Beast Boy ChildBard: "Rotten luck, that is! I got me an Uncle 'oo passed from that-"
/The door was uncerimoniously slammed in the green boy's face, who did not recieve a donation for his heartfelt holiday jingle.\
The look on Robin Cratchet's face humbles you as he tries to speak to his boss while the cruel man angrily stormed back into his office. Robin Cratchet seemed like he was about to fight a losing battle. Some of his colleagues stood and came beside him in the doorway to Slade Scrooge's office.
/...and a battle they did have ahead of them. The mere mention of Christmas or money brought forth Hell from Slade Scrooge's very eye on a daily basis, and they were about to address both. Or rather, Robin Cratchet was about to address both. His fellow employees stood well behind him in the arched doorway, virtually cowering together.\
-Robin Cratchet: "um... Master?"
-Slade Scrooge~without looking up from his work): "No. I will not cancel your weekly beatings in the name of Christmas."
-Robin Cratchet: "Er-well, technically that's not what we meant..."
-Secretary Bumblebee: "The hell we didn't!"
When Slade Scrooge's head snapped up, she darted behind Aqualad the Inkhandler and shoved him forward as if he was a human sacrifice. Aqualad glared at her.
-Robin Cratchet: "What she meant was, well, tomorrow IS Christmas and since everyone's going to be home with their families you'll have no one to terrorize, sooooooo... maybe give us the day off-?"
-coal shovellers Mas y Menos: "Robin Cratchet ha dicho, y no nosotros!"
-Slade Scrooge: "Dammit, you're right! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH ANY GODDAMN SENSE IN THIS SHOW?!"
-Speedy Typer: "Um... fourth wall, anyone-?"
-Slade Scrooge: "Shut up and get ready to go home, but Hell save you from me if you're not all here all the earlier day after tomorrow!" (storming out)
-Aqualad Inkhandler: "Hell? I thought global warming was responsible for the 'Day After Tomorrow'...?"
-Secretary Bumblebee: "Don't look a syphilis in the mouth, y'all, we're allowed to go HOME!"
/The very thought of being home within the hour brightened their souls and their faces with smiles as they went about the task of filing their paperwork to leave for the day. What delighted them the most was that Slade Scrooge was gone from their presence for not only today but the next two days!\
The scene before you fades to grey again and you begin to think that was it... they all went home and enjoyed a very Merry Christmas out from under Slade Scrooge's shadow for the time being.
~0~
~end chapter; to be continued~
~look for "part two"!~
~0~
A/N:
this... caught me off guard, too. ^^;
My mom loves Christmas movies and O.D.s on them every season. She's been driving me nuts with Muppet's Christmas Carol, but I do love the music. I never liked A Christmas Carol. I dont know why. The original was fine enough but for some reason I usually dont like the movies based on it. I like "Scrooged", "Micky's Christmas Carol" and the Muppet's but only really because I love the soundtrack. Seriously, I get that "it feels like Christmas" song stuck in my head and I love it... along with the "Scrooge is getting worse" and the one Scrooge sings after his heart grows three times it's size.
But, yeah, this story... it just popped into my head and started running XDD
I was going to make Terra "Tiny Tim" but decided to use someone else. I thought "hey, she's supposed to die in the real story and since Tiny Tim is supposed to almost die..." but I changed my mind. She fits as Scrooge's nephew since she's connected to Slade from having been his choice for apprentice in the show. And doing that brings up numerous jokes at the expense of her gender X3
For those of you who recognize the "Bug Humbar" joke, I love you. Yes, that will be addressed again in part two.
And there will only be two parts to this. Maybe I'll write another one with more creative efforts later, but not in sequel format.
*NOTE: the part 2 is coming out Xmas 2013, even though it was initially posted in 2012, because somehow this got away from me ^^;
~further a/n~
*final note: this story is presented in a combination of "storybook" and "script" format specifically to enhance the jokes. The format of a literature work is part of the "artistic presentation" and lit works ARE art. I won't have someone coming along and saying "hey! that's not allowed!" well, being a writer is being an artist, and if I think that my work is enhanced by combining it with script format, dagnabbit, Imma use script format.
I do not use script format as a regular, only here and there as I need to. In this case, using script format keeps you into the "Christmas Carol" feel. If I didn't use script format this way, you'd forget it was a Christmas Carol and revert back to thinking it "Teen Titans" without the parody. And the parody is the POINT. So, quippers, spare me trying to tell me that "script format" is wrong. In the name of art, nothing is wrong!