Note: Some things are different... but hopefully you'll catch on (:. BTW, I don't own whatever it is someone may try to sue me for.
Random sidenote: If you just watched the movie 23, I hope my title didn't just scare you ahah. It actually has to do with my story. IDK but now I twitch every time I see that number cuz of that movie :s
Anyways, Enjoy (: [I re-uploaded it because for some reason it cam out all italics]
I hate the smell. All fresh and breathable. So fresh, I don't even need my allergy pills anymore.
I hate how the beach is only a 10 minute walk away. So going to the beach isn't this huge thing I have to plan a week for, I can just... go. Anytime, any day. Surf the night away. Or just lie in the soft and perfectly heated sand.
I hate the people. They're just so darn nice. And I hate how I don't look like a freak anymore in all my surfer gear considering this place is full of surfers.
And my mom. If she says "Why haven't we been living here forever?!" one more time, I may have to commit something that'll get me sent to prison. Or whereever a miserable 17-year-old girl too hateful to notice her great environment gets sent to for killing the person that sent her there.
But I would learn to deal with all that. I really would. I'd toss my pills, I'd spend all day at the beach, I'd smile at strangers, and even tell my mom I love her more often. I'd do all that if I didn't have to miss you the whole time. Because above all else, I hate how much I miss you.
I mean, when I moved here I figured I'd miss my best friend since pre-school. I'd be playing stupid to think I wouldn't. We're across the country from each other for goodness sakes! But what I didn't realize was exactly how much I'd miss you. Honestly, I doubt it's normal.
--
You didn't try to stop me. Well you sprung a few words here and there about how you wished I was going to the same state school as you back in New York. How it would make things so much simpler. But then when I'd feign agreement you'd pull the whole "Lilly! Malibu Private is an amazing school, and Malibu, you'll love it! Not just anybody gets in you know…" and so on. Things I hear from everybody else but have no meaning unless I heard them from you.
But you didn't know the catch. Oh, dear sensible Oliver there's always a catch with me, haven't you learned? Apparently not, because your face when I told you that not just I, but my mom and brother were moving too… I couldn't think of any consoling words. You thought it was just a temporary thing. That we'd plan days to both visit our families at the same time and all that fun stuff but that's not going to happen.
From then on, the days leading up to my leaving just dreaded on by. Being seniors, not one day passed when the "where are you going for college" question showed its ugly face and we had to go through that same routine of appearing excited. But we were dying inside, or at least I was, I don't know about you. Actually, I'm sorry but I do know. You're not that skilled at hiding your pain, especially though those eyes of yours. The enthusiasm I used to spot targeted towards our college days? Gone. And I hated the fact that it was my fault. I silently wished I wasn't intelligent enough to get into Malibu Private. Would that have been a satisfying enough reason to stay?
You managed to make the best of my last days in the East Coast, though, and I thank you for that. The problem is, at the same time you gave me something greater to yearn for. You.
--
Right now, I sit on the bench of my bus stop as I have been for the last month. I still can't believe it's been a month. I projected that I would have moved on by now, you know, made new friends and such, but I haven't. I mean, sure there are those few students whose names I struggle to remember but if you were here you'd recognize the difference.
You'd ask me insensible questions like "do you need to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital or something?" when you'd notice my unhealthy addiction to my phone. It would take you a while to get it—or knowing you, you'd probably never get why I would scroll through my contact list a dozen times an hour and just stare at your name. Or how I've read and re-read all our texting conversations so many times that I've basically memorized them. No, you wouldn't get it.
I have exactly 23 minutes until my bus comes. In my mind, that translates to you have exactly 23 minutes. Just like every other day, it's the same routine. Sometimes I do wonder why I don't just text you first. It would be easier to just strike up a conversation. But it's not because I've realized how much I miss you that you need to know it too! No, I just tightly hold on to my phone and then glance at it every few minutes just in case I momentarily went deaf and didn't know it, thus missing my ringtone. Oh, vibrate! I could put it on vibrate. There are less chances of me losing my ability to sense too. There, now everything's set, all that's left is you.
--
All that's ever left is you.
The beach, I don't care much for it because I don't have you to out skill with surfing. The strangers, I don't have you to secretly laugh at them with me, or to put on a manly personality "just in case they're a rapist". And my mom, well, we both know you're the only one that can get her to shut up. She actually likes you.
Malibu, it's beautiful, you'd love it here. And that's how I would know that I'm supposed to love it too. I've been accustomed to seeing beauty through your eyes or else it doesn't calculate in my mind.
Making friends is not the same if I don't get to say, "And that's just Oliver Oken. He'll tell you to call him Smokin' Oken, but for your sake don't. Trust me." Now I don't feel like I'm worthy of anybody's trust anymore. I don't have anything to fall back on. No, it's more like I don't have anyone to fall back on. Simply enough, I don't have you.
I can live without you. I've done it before. Summer trips to Europe, winter ones to Canada. We've been; there done that. Sometimes we didn't even bother to keep in contact. We knew we'd see each other again eventually. The problem is back then, we knew exactly when eventually would be. Now… well, who knows?
--
For a slight, fortunate moment in time, I forget about my phone. I'm starting to wonder where my bus is. It's been 30 minutes! Your time is up, and I kinda need to get to school.
'I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringin'
Roman Calvary choirs are singin'
Be my mirror, my sword, my shield
My missionary on a foreign field'
I try not to giggle at my vibrating leg as I slide my phone out of my pocket. I pretend I wonder who it could be. It could always be my mom… maybe there's a change of plans? She wants me to pick up something? I don't know.
I flip my phone slyly without even bothering to look at the tiny screen but then when I'm left to face the larger screen displaying the ticking time, I start to wish my brain functioned a bit better. The song I'd just heard was Viva la Vida by Coldplay—my calling ringtone. Not texting. As in, you dialed my number and are now waiting for me to actually say something. As in… I think I can't breathe.
"…Hello?" It's probably the third time you say this.
I want to go on in my over-dramatic ways, but I know that if I don't say anything soon you might hang up. "…Oliver?" I know, I know, but seriously, I had to ask. For my own mental state.
"Yeah, hey Lils! How are you?"
Such a general question. "Oh, just dandy." Such a general answer.
"Really? That's great!" And such a general reply.
I want to pretend I do not already hate where this conversation's going. I haven't heard your voice on the phone since I left for Malibu, so I resort to analyzing everything about it. Has it gotten slightly deeper? Why'd you call instead of text, is there more to it? So much I want to know, so of course I ask, "So what's up?"
"Wow. A lot, it's been pretty crazy up here."
"Huh. Well, tell me about it, my bus decided it doesn't want to take me to school today," I laugh. Honestly, I could care less about the bus or my school; I just want to hear you speak.
"Okay, well, there was an amazing party thrown yesterday. Thrown for Cooper, no less! Remember him? Jackson's old friend? Yeah, well it was like a Welcome Back party I guess, pretty amazing. And I'm tutoring a kid in Math for volunteering hours. It's not too bad, then again he is in the 4th grade, I still understood math at that point." You laugh. I love your laughter, though I have no idea what you're laughing about. But I join in anyways. "Yeah, and some guys at our high school are starting a skating club and they want me to help out! How amazing would that be?"
I seriously wish you would stop using the word 'amazing'. If you only called to let me know how 'amazing' life was without me, then I could have done without this call. I could have done without this whole stupid conversation. I could do without you!
"So I guess you're a fairly busy guy now." I let the words dangle out of my mouth. Now I'm anxiously glancing to my left. I actually want the bus to come, so I could have a reason to hang up. I'd daydream about this moment so many times that in the end the actual thing turned out to be a letdown. I missed you, yes, but that was as far as that one went and I should have seen it coming. After all, you are Oliver the donut, what did I expect.
The scruffy old guy beside me stood and glancing to my left I saw the bus make its way. I had about a minute now; I guess I'd gotten my wish. So why did I suddenly want to take it back? As much as I hated you for having the ability to move on much better than I, I still needed to hear you. It gave me the false idea that I was somehow one step closer to you. Yeah, comforting words would satisfy more than gloating ones but as long as they were from you, they would do for right now. You are, after all, also my best friend.
I sigh as the bus approaches the stoplight right before my stop. Now I'm down to mere seconds.
"—I hear it's going to rain soon which I think is an amazing mid-summer treat, though you'd probably hate that."
I have no idea what your talking about. "Um, Oliver, that's great but I've gotta go… my bus is here."
"Oh."
"Yeah… we could always text," I say hopefully. I don't know why I sound like I'm trying to lift your spirits up when mine are headed straight downhill.
"…I guess. I was about go too anyway. I'm meeting Jackson at Rico's."
I hope you know the only way you could say that without feeling humongous amounts of following pain is because I'm not standing next to you to smack you. "That's great, Oliver," I roll my eyes. I hear the brakes of the bus, "I've gotta go now."
"Ok, bye."
It kills me to have to say goodbye to you, because unlike the earlier days I don't have the assurance that I'll see you tomorrow morning. In fact I barely have the assurance I'll ever see you again. "Yeah…goodbye." A single tear. I'm not too over-dramatic, but I can't stop the natural from occurring. I smile up at the driver as I start to board.
"LILLY?" Even though, I've lowered the phone as to hang up, it'd be impossible for me not to hear that. I put it back up to my ear, but I don't say anything. I don't know if you know I'm listening because you just whisper and then hang up, "I miss you too much."
Five minutes and forty seconds of conversation. And all I needed to hear where those last five words. Oliver dear, you have no idea.
Not my best work and I wrote it all in one sitting at 2AM. The odds are against me on this one. It's mostly me just ranting but yeah... It's down and I'm glad it's out of my head (: xoxCamy
PS. How weird, my playlist has only been playing sad songs for hours now and when I finished it played a happy song! Huh.
PPS. Malibu Private is not a real school. At least not that I know of!